In limbo

[summer15]

Hi ladies,
I just thought I'd post an update as I found it comforting and informative to read other people's experiences whilst I was in 'limbo' but found it frustrating when I googled and found somebody in my position then never found out how their journey ended. So for the benefit of any future ladies who are unfortunate enough to have found themselves in this position, I'll round up my experience:
On Friday I discovered that my hcg had dropped, from an already low 77.7 48hrs prior, to 54.0 and a gp confirmed imminent miscarriage. At that point I had no cramping or bleeding so I was just dealing with the mental devastation and it gave me time to prepare for the physical aspect. At only 5 weeks 4 days - a very early stage I assumed the process would be similar to a bad/heavy period.
I was fortunate enough to have my husband home to take care of me so when cramping started on Saturday I set up camp with hot water bottle, blankets and some good comedies to see the process through. I read stories of brave women who decided to miscarry naturally at home a lot further on than me (12weeks +) and managed through the pain. I knew I would not have to deal with the awful experience of being able to pass an identifiable foetus.
By Saturday night my cramps had reached a moderate level of pain, I was needing to move position every few minutes to find relief, but I was still not bleeding - I dosed myself up on paracetamol and managed to get a good nights sleep.
Sunday morning all I had to show was some very light brown spotting. By Sunday night the my cramps had intensified again to a moderate/high level I needed to move around and rock and paracetamol wasn't quite taking the edge of as it had before. I found it frustrating that despite this level of discomfort I was still not properly bleeding - I had graduated to some sparse red blood like a very light period, nothing more.
I went to bed at about 11:30pm Sunday night but struggled to sleep due to the cramping - I went to the loo several times expecting to see a progression in flow but it was still sparse, my pad was mostly dry and blood only came out when I had a bowel movement.
At 2am I went to the loo again,I had a real urge to push but nothing was coming out. At the point the cramps intensified very quickly and I began to feel very nauseous and lightheaded. I went back to the bedroom and told my husband I was struggling to cope with the pain. Things get a bit hazy there for me but my husband decided he would take me to A&E. However apparently I began writhing around in pain, my skin went very white and cold and I became quite delirious so he phoned an ambulance instead.
I was taken to the hospital on gas and air and a gynaecologist was called immediately to assess me. I had a clot slightly larger than a golf ball blocking my cervix so although I was bleeding heavily it was collecting in my uterus and not coming out. Fortunately the gas and air worked wonders for me and I was able to pass the clot before any invasive procedures could be arranged. As soon as I passed the clot my pain level went from a 10 to a 4. The cramps were no more than bad period pains and I began bleeding freely. The gynaecologist gave me an internal examination and took some swabs/blood (just general procedure to check for infection etc.) She said that although she believes I will bleed for about 7-10 more days she couldn't se any more large clots or material that was likely to cause a blockage.
I must say from the ambulance team to the nurses and specialists - they were wonderful.
So I came home with the worst of my ordeal over. I'm still bleeding of course and I have some minor cramping but it is very manageable and I'm just taking it easy, hubby has taken the day off as we are both just exhausted from the traumatic night we had and need to get some sleep.
I apologise if I have shared to much detail, I don't want my experience to scare anyone. But I thought it was good to share that whilst most early stage miscarriages do pass with a manageable amount of pain, occasionally complications can occur, and whilst excessive bleeding may need medical attention, a lack of bleeding may also indicate a problem.
Although it's not quite over yet I am no longer in limbo, and I just want to say a huge thank you to all the ladies who spoke to me on this thread and shared their experiences, well wishes and advice. I will of course be keeping an eye on your journeys and I'll still check back on this sad section of the forum incase any unlucky ladies in the future need similar support. But in the nicest possible way - I hope I never see you here again! Instead I hope to see all of you in the happy and healthy pregnancy threads.
'Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls'
Much love to all,
xxx

 

[kaz1983]

So sorry to hear what you have gone through over the weekend on top of the mental aspect of preparing to deal with a mc

I do think sharing experiences gives a lot of comfort and is of great help to those who are unfortunately going through the same thing.

The pains I had the few days before I went in for medical management were awful and like yourself I had to keep moving position. They were bearable (just) but I thought (in the best way ) great this is things starting on their own as I was petrified of the unknown of what medical managemetn would be like...all I knew is was that I had it in my head I was killing my child and that was the hardest part to get round as I know now there was nothing to kill

Looking back once I had had the oral tablets after the pessaries hadnt worked there was no pain but walking about the hospital obviously moved things as I felt a pop and a gush. I got back to the ward and went to the loo to a horrific sight and feeling due to the blood loss. The like yourself I started to feel sick and dizzy thought I was going to pass out could hear my husbands voice getting further away yet he was standing right in front of me. This is going to sound disgusting but when I retched to be sick thats when I passed the baby and it was horrible but I felt relief cos I knew that was the worst physical part by or so I thought until they said they didnt know if I had passed everything. They fasted me and brought in a theatre gown that night which threw me into a panic as I was adamant I wasnt going to theatre. Luckily the doctor agreed to remove the rest in the ward and I was allowed home.

Once I got home thats when the hardest part began I felt empty lost and just kept myself occupied which has subsequently led to a build up of emotions so please whatever u do dont keep ur feelings in let them out by crying screaming shouting pumnching things just dont hold them in.

WE are all here for you so please anytime you wana chat just send us a message - if you want can give you my mobile number or if youre on facebook you can add me xx

 

[Melily24]

I'm so very sorry to hear that you had to go through this Summer. And thank you for the courage to write it down for us so that we also know how things ended. Like you say - Google can be very frustrating at times.
I'm very glad your husband was around to help and support you.
Wishing you and hubby loads of strength. Do whatever it takes to help you heal. Heal in your own time and in your own way. Everyone is different. Big, huge hug. xxx

 

[Melily24]

I'm also very sorry to hear about your experience Kaz1983 Big hug. xxx

 

[kaz1983]

Thanks Melily

I agree that it was very courageous of Summer to write all this down I know how hard it must have been to get it all down on paper so to speak xx

 

[RhondaLou]

Yes ir was brave. It's been just over a year since my loss and it still hurts to talk about it. Pregnancy loss is skimmed over far too often and I think more people should be open and honest about it. It's not a one size fits all thing and it happens differently for different people. At the beginning of this pregnancy I told my story to a doctor who said what happened wasn't possible. But it happened so it must be possible. Yet because it hasn't yet featured in a text book she questioned me.
Anyway sorry to ramble.

Very sorry to all on here who have lost. It's not easy and affects us in different ways xx

 

[summer15]

Thanks guys, to be honest I find it therapeutic to write it down. Only my parents, brother and best friend know and they're so lovely and supportive but You're right kaz sometimes you can convince yourself to get over it too quickly and feelings end up getting bottled up. Thank you for sharing what you went through - it sounds awful to say I'm glad I'm not alone because I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but it's nice to feel someone understands first hand.
I also know exactly what you mean about not wanting medical intervention because you felt like you were harming the baby - even though it's already lost. I had the miscarriage confirmed by blood results on Friday and my best friend took me out for lunch to try and cheer me up. We ordered my favourite starter but it contained brie and I couldn't bring myself to eat it. Then when my cramping started on Saturday my husband was trying to massage my ankles and telling me to take a hot bath to try and help the miscarriage along - but even though I was desperate for it to be over with I couldn't do it! So silly.
I'm a teaching assistant and this has happened whilst I'm on half term, I'm not due back until next Monday so I've got a week to recover, but I'm already thinking about when I go back colleagues are all going to ask 'did you have a nice holiday? What did you do? Etc.' and how can I say 'no I had the most heartbreaking and horrific experience' (nobody knew I was pregnant in the first place) I'm quite a private person - I don't really like attention or sympathy and I HATE crying in public - I guess its just one of those things you have to decide whether it's harder for you to tell or not to tell - and its a very personal choice. That's why it's so wonderful being able to vent on here.
I know many people refer to their early pregnancy as a 'bean' my husband referred to it more specifically as a 'jellybean'. He has just bought me a sterling silver jelly bean charm and it means the world to me. I have a charm bracelet and every big event in our life or country we visit I get a charm to add to it - sort of a collection of my life adventures. He was unsure whether to give it to me because he thought it might upset me and be a constant reminder of a horrible ordeal. But I'm so glad he did because it's something tactile to keep. As awful as things ended it was our first pregnancy and I'll never forget the moment I told him I was pregnant and the look of sheer happiness on his face. And although our happiness only lasted a short while it was a monumentous event in our lives and today I felt so 'empty' (like you were saying kaz) that I have nothing to show for it. Now I feel I have a little keepsake that is subtle and no-one except me and hubby know what it means but it's something. It might not work for everybody, some might view it as a painful reminder but for me personally it's helping.
Rhondalou - what did the doctor mean wasn't possible??
Xxx

 

[Haylea23]

Oh Summer..Your story is heartbreaking but thankyou for sharing.
Big hugs to you and Hubby and i wish you all the health and happiness for your ttc future xxx

 

[kaz1983]

I have charms on ma bracelet too as a keepsake ....a dangly angel the infinity sign thru a heart an a personalised one that says "in memory of mark 2

Dont thinkabout work i think looking bak i went bak too soon as had 3weeks off in total which after i came out of hospital i had jus over a week off which i now know wasnt long enough by a long shot but im very slowly gettin there xx

 

[summer15]

I have charms on ma bracelet too as a keepsake ....a dangly angel the infinity sign thru a heart an a personalised one that says "in memory of mark 2

Dont thinkabout work i think looking bak i went bak too soon as had 3weeks off in total which after i came out of hospital i had jus over a week off which i now know wasnt long enough by a long shot but im very slowly gettin there xx

Aww that's sweet. You're right I shouldn't think about work yet - just take each day at a time and see how I feel next week. 3 days until your appointment right? How are you feeling today? Are you worried to take a pee test beforehand incase it's a false result? Xxx

 

[Becky1]

What a horrible, heartbreaking ordeal you've been through. Your husband sounds so incredibly supportive. After my mmc we were fortunate enough to be able to book a last minute holiday which did us the world of good as it gave us something else to focus on and look forward to. I know you mentioned your a teaching assistant but perhaps you'd be able to book a weekend away - It was so good for us to spend time together and helped us to move on. xx

 

[kaz1983]

I have charms on ma bracelet too as a keepsake ....a dangly angel the infinity sign thru a heart an a personalised one that says "in memory of mark 2

Dont thinkabout work i think looking bak i went bak too soon as had 3weeks off in total which after i came out of hospital i had jus over a week off which i now know wasnt long enough by a long shot but im very slowly gettin there xx

Aww that's sweet. You're right I shouldn't think about work yet - just take each day at a time and see how I feel next week. 3 days until your appointment right? How are you feeling today? Are you worried to take a pee test beforehand incase it's a false result? Xxx

Thats best way take each day at a time

Yeh thursday at 12.20 totally bricking it i nearly took a pee test but bottled it im looking at it fae both sides....its all i wanr to b pregnant but have to also think it might not be - luckily the gp im seein asks u wat u want him to do so theres no question that he will take bloid from me to check levels xxx

 

[Melily24]

I bought a charm bracelet when I had my mmc, it means so much to me. Something I can "touch" in relation to my baby. I've added on 2 new charms for my LO's and need to at some point (when I'm ready) buy a charm for my mc this year. Can't quite do it yet and have taken the bracelet off (been on my arm ever since I bought it). I hope I can do it soon.

Wishing you all the best for your app Kaz.

Summer15 - when I had my mmc - we had the echo app 2 days before I was due to go on holiday for 3 weeks. So I never went back to work for those 2 days. Called and told my manager why - since I burst into tears there was no ways I could hide the real reason. But it felt good that she knew. Turns out she had had one as well (mmc), so she knew exactly what I was going through. I had the 3 weeks to 'recover' and when I got back I didn't tell any of my colleagues and my manager promised she wouldn't tell anyone either. But on my first day back it just felt so surreal, that I confided in one colleague - that felt good. Don't worry about work now, you come first now. You will most likely know what you will do / say when you walk into work that day.

Big hug. xxx

 

[kaz1983]

Melily - i had told my line manager before ma scan as was struggling wi ma breathing as we have trolleys to push an casenotes to lift so she an a couple others were only ones that knew im gradually finding the strength to tell people wen im ready an not jus so they know as theres some folk jus too nosey....im waiting to c a counsellor even tho itl bring it all bak i nd to get ma feelings/fears an emotions out

Ul get there wi ur bracelet iv still not brought myself yo put the scan pic in a frame it goes everywhere wi me xx

 

[summer15]

You're right Melily - I need to not worry about telling people and just tell them if it feels like the right thing to do in that moment.
Kaz - that's good your taking positive action and talking to a councillor. I'm so grateful for my supportive family and friends but sometimes getting it all out to a stranger is really beneficial. That's why this place is so good too. I hope it brings you some peace emotionally. And you never know, perhaps Thursday will hold some good news! That's good that your GP is so accommodating with blood tests etc. I had to pay for mine privately. Even now I would like to have one in a couple of weeks to check my hcg has gone back down to a 'non pregnant level' but I don't think they'll let me so I'll just have to trust a pee stick! I'll get a really sensitive one like frer and if it's negative I'll assume miscarriage is complete.
Once I have recovered physically I think that 'trying' again will help me emotionally. I used to think the '2 week wait' was the most torturous thing ever, now I'll be more prepared that actually it's the 8month wait that is hell!! I can't wait to fall pregnant again but I know I'll be a nervous wreck!
Xxx