In limbo

[summer15]

Hello,
Firstly this is such a sad section of this forum and I can't believe in just 24hrs I have gone from the 'first trimester threads' to 'miscarriage and loss threads'. I am so sorry for what you ladies have been through, many of your journeys have been more painful and torturous than mine; but I appeal to you because I know that if you are here, reading this, then you know how I'm feeling ...

I'm 25, married and this was my first pregnancy. My husband and I were elated, particularly as we were told that we might struggle to concieve because I have pcos. We are in our 'compulsory year of trying' before docs will even assess us for fertility.

I have been religiously temping, opk'ing, cm checking and charting for months so although We only got our bfp a week ago it feels like we have been working forever for this bean.
14dpo - I got my bfp.
The next day I went to see my gp (she had asked me to come in straight away if I concieved on account of my fluctuating hormone levels) she sent off my midwife referral then sent me on my way. I asked about blood tests to check my hormones but she said it's not 'protocol'. I took comfort in the fact she wasn't worried.
16 dpo - got a darker line (along with a 1-2 week on digital. I should have been in the 2-3 band but I thought 'it's early days').
18dpo - a darker line still.
20 dpo - nice dark line came up straight away only a smidge lighter than control.
I lined up my tests staring at the pretty progression and dreaming about all the usual things.
Then on 21dpo (yesterday) I woke up with all my symptoms gone. I had been bloated and my boobs hurt like crazy and it was all just gone. I immediately panicked and although I only normally test every 2 days (to see the hcg double) I took a test - it was significantly lighter than the day before (more in line with my 16dpo) I also took another digi and it still said 1-2 weeks.
I burst into tears. My gp is away on holiday and I was told I'd have to wait until the following day for another gp appointment (but they could not guarantee they would refer me for a blood test because there's nothing they can do at this early stage anyway). I know this to be true but thoughts of ectopic etc were flooding through my head and for my own sanity I just wanted to know what was going on!
My husband paid for me to have a private blood test. They sent me the results within 4 hrs and I was not surprised to discover that my hcg was only 77.7 (21dpo) I know this means I'm losing our bean.
I have cried a lot, It seems like the past week was just some beautiful dream and I've been brought back to reality with a painful thump. I have resigned myself to the fact that this is not a viable pregnancy. I have been reading all 'silver linings' - at least it proves we can conceive naturally / women are more fertile after an early miscarriage etc ...
Another faint hpt this morning, I'm making my peace with the situation but for now I can't move on because this bean is still hanging on! Iv had no cramping or bleeding. This morning Iv woken up to find my symptoms have cruelly increased again! I don't know if my body's trying to hang on to it or what but if it's over I just want it to BE over now ...
I'm going back to the private clinic on Friday for another blood test.
Will I only actually miscarry once my hcg reaches 0? How long should that take?
Sorry for the long post, I'm sure you understand I need to vent as much as ask for advice.
Thank you xxx

 

[kaz1983]

So sorry hun I won't say loss as nothing has been confirmed and you have to stay positive as long as possible.

I suffered a missed miscarriage at the begionning of september I had no symptoms or bleeding to tell me that anything was wrong though looking back there were signs just not the obvious ones

I had medical management for the miscarriage on 10th september and two weeks later pregnancy tests were still inconclusive so they took bloods and hcg was 23.5 still a lot higher than they would expect at that stage after a mc

I am on the presumption that I am not pregnant but at over six weeks since mc and with only a slight bleed on one occasion and very light spotting on another occasion I have to still think I could be or it may be just my body settling down.

Hang on in there until its confirmed xx

 

[can]

Hi Hun so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I know if I say try not to worry or take comfort in the fact ou conceived naturally you won't be able to do that. However it definatly is not all over not untill you have had it confirmed. I know with pregnancy we would like it all to go txt book but sometimes our bodies like to be different. Take comfort from the fact you have had no bleeding or cramps which is a positive sign. I have had two miscarriages before my son was born and I know it's a extremely Differcult time but find the strength and keep going. Be strong and the best of luck

 

[summer15]

Thank you kaz1983 I'm sorry for your situation too, it's so upsetting at only 5 weeks I can't imagine how people cope further on into pregnancy. Is it possible that you ovulated/concieved directly after your miscarriage and that's why your hcg is still in the 'pregnant range'?? These things make you realise what a minefield the human body is, how unique every woman is and how little we actually now about the miracle of making babies!
If my hcg has decreased dramatically tomorrow then hopefully I just have to wait patiently to miscarry naturally, if it's around the same level hopefully my gp will refer me for a scan to rule out ectopic.
'What will be, will be' sometimes not knowing is as hard to handle as knowing it's bad.
Xxx

 

[summer15]

Thank you can. I do take comfort in 'the silver linings' last month I was charting to check whether or not I ovulate on my own, we couldn't believe our luck to actually fall pregnant. And though it seems this bean was only destined to spend a short time with us it gave us a glimmer of hope that we CAN conceive naturally, something that seemed a million miles away only a couple of months ago. It's always lovely to hear happy ending stories from ladies who have experienced similar.
Xxx

 

[kaz1983]

The following week after the 23.5 level it had dropped to 9 so I presumed that was a definite negative but a few symptoms have been hanging about and I always wonder if my body is just confused and getting back to normal and that they have maybe risen since then but I have not had them checked again

I am trying to hold off another two weeks before speaking to GP to see what they think xx

 

[summer15]

I hope you get your answers soon. I'm currently scared about the possibility of an ectopic. It's associated with low hcg (which obviously I have). My doctor won't send me for an ultrasound because I don't have any pain or bleeding, and if I do get symptoms then I should go to A&E. But judging by most ladies who have experienced an ectopic - the pain and bleeding occurs as a result of their tube rupturing!?! Seems bizarre to take the 'wait and see approach' and risk it ... I called nhs direct for some advice, they've asked me to call back at 18:30 and hopefully a gp will refer me to my local hospital for an urgent scan this evening ...
Xxx

 

[kaz1983]

How did it go with nhs direct did they fone back

Ive txt my midwife to ask her advice on no show of period yet see wat she says xx

 

[summer15]

Iv just got back from the hospital, I was hoping for a scan to give me peace of mind that it's not in my tube but it was just a physical examination by a doctor. She was sympathetic but seemed a bit concerned that I was so worried and upset. She asked 'why I paid to have the blood test privately' and when I said 'because I knew something was wrong and the nhs wouldn't do it' she asked 'are you usually a worrier?' - not quite sure how to take that?! She made it seem like I was unusual to want this baby so badly and it was wrong that I felt so upset that I'd lost it. Fortunately I know from forums such as this that that is NOT the case and there are plenty of ladies who mourn the loss of a pregnancy even at 5 weeks. I don't know perhaps I'm just feeling over sensitive because of the situation. Anyway she told me that she was almost certain that the pregnancy had ended and she didn't know why I wasn't bleeding but I probably will in the next couple of days. She said that if I hadn't started bleeding by Monday, to go back and see my regular GP.
I'm going to go back to the private clinic tomorrow to retest my hcg level - It will give me peace of mind to know that it has gone down and everything is heading in the right direction so that we can 'start again'.
I hope your midwife can give you some answers or advice, I feel you may have better luck with a midwife as its their specialism. Not to discredit the gp I saw this evening (I know you can't be an expert in every aspect of the human body) but she really couldn't answer any of my questions with great certainty and when I said my hcg level was 77.7 at 5 weeks she asked if that was low? ...
Xxx

 

[RhondaLou]

Iv just got back from the hospital, I was hoping for a scan to give me peace of mind that it's not in my tube but it was just a physical examination by a doctor. She was sympathetic but seemed a bit concerned that I was so worried and upset. She asked 'why I paid to have the blood test privately' and when I said 'because I knew something was wrong and the nhs wouldn't do it' she asked 'are you usually a worrier?' - not quite sure how to take that?! She made it seem like I was unusual to want this baby so badly and it was wrong that I felt so upset that I'd lost it. Fortunately I know from forums such as this that that is NOT the case and there are plenty of ladies who mourn the loss of a pregnancy even at 5 weeks. I don't know perhaps I'm just feeling over sensitive because of the situation. Anyway she told me that she was almost certain that the pregnancy had ended and she didn't know why I wasn't bleeding but I probably will in the next couple of days. She said that if I hadn't started bleeding by Monday, to go back and see my regular GP.
I'm going to go back to the private clinic tomorrow to retest my hcg level - It will give me peace of mind to know that it has gone down and everything is heading in the right direction so that we can 'start again'.
I hope your midwife can give you some answers or advice, I feel you may have better luck with a midwife as its their specialism. Not to discredit the gp I saw this evening (I know you can't be an expert in every aspect of the human body) but she really couldn't answer any of my questions with great certainty and when I said my hcg level was 77.7 at 5 weeks she asked if that was low? ...
Xxx

Hi sorry to hear your story the waiting for confirmation either way is awful.

I just wanted to say you have every right to be worried and heart broken and that was rather insensitive of the lady to say that. Pregnancy loss is not something you completely understand until it happens to you. Thinking of you xx

 

[kaz1983]

Yes i agree the gp was a tad insensitive considering the situation its the not knowing thats hardest bit wen we were waiting fir levels to go down i felt so deflated even now we still in limbo but gotta keep trying

See wat the clinic says tomorrow but you have every right to grieve this early doesny matter wat stage its still a loss if thats wat its confirmed to b xx

 

[laurat]

Im really sorry for your loss! The waiting game is the worst!Xx

 

[summer15]

I had my second blood test today and hcg has fallen from 77.7 to 54.0 as I suspected. Still no bleeding but I suppose I just have to wait and nature will take its course once the levels are low enough. I'm grateful that I know rather than spending another week or so getting excited. The private clinic recommended I contact my regular GP - does anyone know what this is for? Presumably just to cancel my midwife referral? I don't see there's anything else they can do for me now ...
Xxx

 

[kaz1983]

I had my second blood test today and hcg has fallen from 77.7 to 54.0 as I suspected. Still no bleeding but I suppose I just have to wait and nature will take its course once the levels are low enough. I'm grateful that I know rather than spending another week or so getting excited. The private clinic recommended I contact my regular GP - does anyone know what this is for? Presumably just to cancel my midwife referral? I don't see there's anything else they can do for me now ...
Xxx

so sorry hun that the levels didnt go the other way

The only reason I can think that they asked you to contact your own GP is for them to firstly cancel your refrral but maybe to discuss your options. How far on were you again?xxx

 

[summer15]

I'm 5 weeks and 3 days. Iv had my little grieving process binge watching 'friends' in my PJ's and now I'm on to the next stage of anxiety - what to actually expect during the miscarriage?? I really thought at a stage as early as mine it would just be like 'a bad period' but googling (not sensible I know but it's led me this far so there must be some truth in it) I've found loads of horror stories of 'D&C's' and excessive blood loss requiring trips to A&E from women also only at 5 weeks!!! I really thought my body would just cope with it naturally at such an early stage but am I being naive? I haven't actually started bleeding yet so I'm sat here a little scared of what's to come ...
Xxx

 

[Melily24]

Hi Summer, I'm sorry you are going through this. I lost my first at 9 weeks (mmc), but they said that baby had died already at 5 weeks. I went to my first scan at 9 weeks all happy to see baba and then to find out that the baby had already died 4 weeks ago... No bleeding, no nothing.. Because it had already been 4 weeks and no bleeding and because I was leaving in 2 days for a long haul flight and they didn't want me to start bleeding on the plane, they gave me a D&C the next day.
My stomach hurt alot afterwards, but bleeding wasn't too bad.
I had another mc in June this year. This one I started to bleed at 6 weeks. Bleeding again wasn't too bad, but when it came 'time' for the sac etc to come out, the cramps were horrific. In my lower back and my stomach. This lasted about 3 hours. Once that had happened, it was only abit of cramping, blood and clot loss. This lasted 5 days.
I think women experience it differently, but not sure. Don't read google and all the stories. You will be okay. If there is anything that seriously causes you concern, go to the A&E. I hope you are not in too much pain.
Big hug. xxx

 

[kaz1983]

Aww hun i know how bad googling is......if it helps throughout the two days i was in hospital i had hardly any pain i had two lots painkillers over the two days and the actually passing of baby wasnt sore as such i felt no real physical pain its all mental pain xx

 

[summer15]

Thank you for sharing your experiences. Melily how awful to have not known for that long! I don't know why I assumed a missed miscarriage only happened much later in pregnancy. I'm hopeful that my body will start on its own in the next few days but I guess the doc will be able to talk me through options on Monday ...
Kaz did you get a response from your midwife?
Xxx

 

[kaz1983]

We r all here for u anytime u nd to chat

Yeh she sed go to gp so reluctantly goin nxt thursday xx

 

[bunny123]

Sorry to hear this x the waiting is the hardest part!