In-laws - shall i go or not? = Already peein me off

[jenna]

I know i rant about them a lot but i have another problem!

I havnt seen my inlaws since xmas. But anyway...Its my birthday my DH's birthday my SIL's birthday and my DH's Nanans birthday all in the next 2/3weeks. Hes going to see them all on the 14th may (we dont live near them, its about a 2.5 hours drive to there house maybe a bit more). But the problem is DH wants me to go and i feel i should but i dont want too. Is it unfair if i dont go?

The reason is, I dont feel they like me and they always look down there nose at me AND DH!! (Grr). For some reason he's the "black sheep" of the family and his parents seem to pick on him all the time.

Not only that but i feel they try to embares me on purpose and ask questions like there really interested in me then just use it to put me down! Where really strong together but i feel like there trying to cause arguements and break us up.

DH says he knows i dont like them but i should "try to get on with them". I dont feel like iv done anything that would make them like this and i dont see why i should put on an act to make them happy. Because DH hardly sees them whenever they say anything bad about me he ignores it or laughs along because he doesnt want to spoil the time he has with them. I feel so left out and a complete joke. As soon as we leave DH apologies and feels bad but it doesnt matter once its happend iv already been humiliated (sp?)

Not to mention that he sacked my DH and he stuggled to find work for almost a year while his own parents sat back and threw the shitty jobs at him because they knew he was desperate for work! And then wouldnt pay him and he ended up out of pocket for petrol!! Then when he did get a job they said it was a rubbish job and he should find something better then put on there website that they wanted 2 new people for there company which DH was qualified for!!

How am i suposed to visit these people and pretend to be happy to see them when they behave like this? To every one else there very nice, friendly, respectable people but when im there its completely different. They even put me down infront of my dad saying i was pretty much scrounging off my DH because he was earning more than me!!!

What am i suposed to do?

 

[mary70]

i wouldnt go hun and then oh can enjoy the time he spends with them without feeling uneasy and you wont feel bad either

 

[lotti77]

I agree with Mary70
Don't go if you don't want to or you feel that way about them. Does your DH know you feel this way? If so then he should be understanding about it... if not just say that you think it wud be nice for him to spend some time wid his family alone & you don't feel up to it! People can get funny if others (even their partners) criticise their family! They can do it but no1 else can!

 

[jenna]

Does your DH know you feel this way? !

Yes. Every time something happends i bring it to his attention (which makes me feel really horrible) and he apologies. I know he loves them and i know he loves me, but he doesnt seem to understand that it's not right that he should feel like he has to be some one else to impress his own parents.
At first i thought it was because they feel threatend that some one has married there only son, but there only daughter has a Boyfriend and there in a really serious relationship and hes an absolute star to them! He cant do no wrong.
It really worries me when he goes alone, hes so obsest with impressing them that he does/says stupid stuff. who knows what they say about me when im not there!! "oh yeah she never cooks or cleans it's always up to me" ...Its not even true, its just what his dad wants to hear so he says it to impress him. I know irs not a big deal but it just adds to other things they can use against me when im there.

Id feel really guilty if i didnt go because his nanan is really nice, shes so "normal" and careing. I feel really sorry for her, like me i feel shes an outsider. I have sat in the car while hes been with his mum and dad then been to see his nanan but then it just makes me look like im trying to cause trouble and i look rude not going in. And they'll have prezzies for me and id want to say thanks but theres too many reasons not to go.

 

[lotti77]

God what a situation to be in!
I'm sure your DH is a wonderful person but it sounds like he's makin things alot worse for you by saying those things just coz it's what he thinks its what they want to hear!
Surely they would want your DH to be happy in his relationship but he's telling them things that makes you sound not nice. To them this would suggest that he's not happy... so the way they treat you is justified in their eyes coz your the person making him unhappy! If you get my point.
You need to tell your DH to stop saying hurtful things to them about you & to say more positive things like... "you'll neva believe what she did... that made me so happy..."etc even if its only something small. In doing this he'll condition his family into thinking only good things about you!
It's not just you who has to make an effort to "win them round" he has
to do his share too!

 

[jenna]

hmm that does make sence. Although when i 1st met them they were really nice, then as soon as they found out we were getting married it all blew up. As far as i know DH didnt say anything bad, it was my father in law telling tales about me and talking behind my back but making a point of bringing it up when i was there and then him and DH refusing to tell me what was going on.
I think there just really jelous because when i 1st met them i was really depressed and low and then just "came out of my shell" and didnt want to be like that any more. And now i feel more confident and a much stronger person and they feel threatend by that because there the same. but iv never been nasty or done anything that would justify them being so mean.
I would love for them to like me and treat me and DH the same as every one else. Im just so confused. Think i might have to have a word with DH and see if he knows why. Hes says he doesnt see a problem but then apologies... He probably just wants to make every one happy as usual... the only problem is hes probably causing more trouble by not being honest. I dont mind people putting me down if they can jusify why, if some one was nasty to my son id step in, but its not the case and when things are brought up its only in a jokey way. (still upsetting to me though)

 

[MissGobby]

dont go!! simple as hun, if they treat you and your DH like that, i defo wouldnt go!!

if your DH wants to go, let him, at the end of the day its his family, but i woudlnt put myself through that!!

you say its your birthday as well, so you go out and have a fantastic birthday hunni!!!

 

[lotti77]

In laws.... whod have em!!!!
I suppose I'm lucky in a way my OH doesn't speak to his family ~(he's adopted & fell out with them over 5 years ago)
Don't go, let him go on his own & ask him to stick up for you if any1 says anything nasty bout you even if your not there... it doesn't have to cause probs if he does it in the right way!

 

[jenna]

I totally understand where u are coming from not wanting to go..but personally I would go and shove it in there faces even more show them how unseperable you 2 are The more people want to make it difficult for you two..the more they will fail. Id say BOLLOX to be perfectly honest..but then I love an atmosphere. At least if you are there and they do start giving sh*t you are there to defend yourself. Your DH really needs to stand up here and say something also he shouldnt let them behave in this way.
Hmm but being your birthday I dunno might not be as much fun, go out enjoy yourself.

LoL Good idea. I would love to do that but DH seems to push me away when where there. Last time i had to ask him to go out for a walk with me so i could tell him to show me a bit of attention. I was stood there trying to talk to him and he was totally ignoreing me and chatting away with his mum.
I would love for him to see them more and then maybe he wouldnt feel the need to fill every second of his time there completly fixed on them but its not going to happen. What if we had kids? Im not going to take the baby up there and be ignored. It'll just be another thing they can use against me, take over the baby and then say i dont look after it properly. And to be honest they probably would do that! Iv already told DH they will never look after our kids on there own at there house. And he said its fine...

 

[jenna]

Thanks every one I dont think im going to go. I'll just ask DH to call them to say thanks Hopefully ill see his nanan soon though

 

[OverTheMoon]

I feel for you, how awkward and nasty for you. Its very sad that you only want them to like you and yet they make you feel so small. However, they can only make you feel small if you allow them to. How about going along and being really jovial, over helpful, jokey etc?? Take them something special you've made like a cake, they will have to say thank you and may win them round a bit?? Also you could arrange a secret code/word with your hubby so that if you are getting a bit miffed he will get the message without you having to say something, and he can make a big fuss of you in front of them to show them just how much he does love you.
PS it does sound like a bit of jealousy to me, perhaps he was always their little boy before he met you?!?! Good luck anyway

 

[jenna]

he went this morning and hes turned his mobile off stright away. Am i being stupid or is it ok to be upset?

 

[jenna]

What an AH. I finally got in touch to say he has to be in for 3 because he asked for my dads help and he cant only come over after 3 and he said he cant!!! And he said it in a right "haha i cant" kinda way Grr! hes been there since 8 this morning!!! My dads gone out of his way to help us AGAIN and hes doing this!! Took off with both the keys to the house and is peeing about!!

 

[trixipaws]

they dont sound very nice at all- i wonder why ur DH even wants to see them?! ur DH is obviously aware they treat u badly as he's apologised to u for their behaviour b4, so he should understand if u dont wanna go.

"oh yeah she never cooks or cleans it's always up to me"

he shouldnt say stuff like that tho, of course that will antagonise the situation! like lotti said, if they hear him go on about how gr8 u are and how happy u make him then if they love him theyll love u too for making him happy!

if u do decide to go in future, u need to hav a chat with him abt it first, agree to put on a united front and not to allow them to make u feel uncomfortable. tell him to say nice things about u and NOT to 'push u away'! if u sort out with each other how ur gonna behave BEFORE u go, u shouldnt end up in a situation like when u said u tried to get him to come out on a walk to talk abt it.

regarding ur recent post, i'd just calmly tell him he'd missed his chance of ur dads help and if he wants (whatever it is he needs help with) doing he'll hav to sort somethign out himself! he cant expect ur dad to go out of his way only to waste his time so tell him he cant complain that nothings been done!

 

[jenna]

Thanks hun
Iv txt him saying he can do it hisself as my dad has put today on hold to help us and now has wasted his time.
Last week when it was his birthday his mum and dad called and they asked about me. I think they were trying to be nice Its hard though after all thats happend. I feel like there takin the pee but i guess the only way to help the situation is to be nice about it and try not to let them know my real feelings.

 

[hannahbet20]

dont go if you dont want to hun its not fair on ux