In-laws

[tipper]

I've gotta say, I'm quite shocked that this is my first post on the subject! Also, I'll warn you now that this will most likely be lengthy and confusing. In my defense, it is almost 5pm on a Friday afternoon..my mind is spent!

So without further ado, let me begin!

My DH and I have been together now for almost 10 years now. Pretty early on while we were dating, we started going over to his parent's house for dinner at least once a week. I then moved away 3 years later, we continued dating, but I had two enjoyable years of being free of these weekly meals. We finally got married in 2006, and since that time, the weekly dinners have returned.

Now, that may not sound so horrible, but slowly the one weekly dinner turned into 2 meals (one on wednesday, then on the weekend). Then that turned into the two meals plus a weekly special event of sorts with them.

By nature I am a very introverted person. I NEED to have my quiet time to refresh myself, otherwise I go bonkers. So needless to say, as the number of inlaws dinners/occasions built up, I was getting more and more resentful and crazy. For the longest time my DH didn't see what the harm in any of this was. I still don't know if he truly gets it, but after I had a few mini breakdowns, the visits went back to a strict 1-per-week visit.

Unfortunately, the number of visits seems to be creeping back up again to 2/week. I feel like my DH and I haven't been allowed to really establish ourselves as an individual couple, and at times I feel like I come second to his family. I think the last bit tends to only come out when I'm feeling overwhelmed by his family (like today!).

What REALLY worries me is our baby will be their first grandchild. They are extremely excited about the situation, and have been extremely supportive, but I'm really concerned that they will try to take over our entire lives. In a perfect world, I would have set ground rules from the very beginning when we got married, but I didn't.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any suggestions for how to wean ourselves off of them so to speak?

I should add that overall, I really do enjoy his parents. They're very decent people, and they did a good job raising my husband But over the last few months, I'm finding myself becoming very sensitive to his dad. He is typically very opinionated, very un-PC (borderline racist it seems), always talks politics which I 100% disagree with, etc. Both of them have been losing weight recently, and due to this, they think they are totally in the clear to mock and make comments about anyone who is overweight and/or obese. And I mean make them while the person is only 5' away. I've been with them a couple of times when this happened and I was mortified. This all seems really petty, and maybe I'm just over-reacting....but he is not the type of person I would want influencing my kids. With all that said, I do think they would know how to behave in front of a child, but I'm just freaking out at the current time.

Arg. I am SO sorry this got so damn long. I don't know exactly what i'm looking for, or how anyone could respond, but I do appreciate having a place to vent.

 

[flexilexi394]

I couldve written that myself!! Truth is, I'm in the same situation as you and a little worried as to how I'm going to control the situation too. My inlays have actually kitted out a nursery in their house. I for live there, so why would theydo it! They've got another thing coming if they think my baby is staying with them. It is very annoying isn't it because like you, they are lovely people but this is first grandchild so all a little excitable.
I'll let you know if I think of a solution! Lol. X

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm a hard decision!

Ive never been in that situation where Ive felt my inlaws (no mother or father in law just sister and brother and respecitve spouses) have taken over simply because I tell it how it is and they know where they stand and have done from the word go!!! They have on occasions tried to interfere but have been put right back in their places immediately and that seems to have worked! They know how far to go before I would kick off so I suppose all I can suggest is you be up front with them and honest...its really not too late....a new baby is the ideal time to get a few ground rules down and believe me in the end you will be glad you did it!


Good luck! xx

 

[Squeakz]

phil was in a similar pos with my mum. Phil and i have been married for 1yr and half and together for 3.5 years. They initially didnt want us to get married and refused to be a part of it as they said that we weren't ready there were still some things looming over us that we had to get sorted (we eventually lied about it to shut them up and its never ever been resolved - much to my disgust....another story). However we after thinking that if we can get through these things then we can get married and do it! so we did.

However come J my mum went psycho. She started calling him her son, she wants to be there every single step of the way. And the thing i had to learn to do was say NO. We stopped talking for a while and then started up again and then she went crazy again. but eventually i had a stiff drink when he was here and politely told her to butt out.
Its difficult but you just have to explain.
Also when we go to phils parents house as he lives sp far away we have to stay with them and do meals and stuff which is lovely and i appreciate it however its too much and irritates me. I am also a very 'solitary' (i call it) person. I can only be around peopel for a certain amount of time adn then thats it i cant hack it anymore. I think you just have to put your foot down. its obviously stressing you out and so you need to explain to your oh that if he wants to go round 2ce a week then he can and you will go 1ce a week. Its not being rude but he has to accept your feelings as well. In terms of the nursery i would make it very clear that its your chld, he/she will not be going staying anywhere, you welcome advice however if you decide to not take it then thats your choice. It doesn;t have to be a big sit down formal chat maybe just drop bits in.Clearly and concisely but non the less drop it in. Eventually you will be getting 'do this, do that' it didnt do you any harm' which goes against ALL medical advice!!

Sorry if thats a ramble or only half current....
xxx

 

[tinkerbell86]

totally understand! my oh's dad wants us at his for dinner every week and we always have the same dinner too which probably dont help!! thankfully oh works shifts so can only really go once a fortnight but he just winds me up!! He is the opposite about his grandson (which is his first grandchild) he doesnt really have much to do with him and keeps telling people he's too young to have a grandchild (he's in his 60's but my mums in her 40's!)- and didnt bother coming to see him until the day after he was born!!

Oh's mum is lovely but puts my oh on a guilt trip. I have mentioned in another thread about oh;s sis getting married next year in new zealand and shes already started with will we go or not!!!
Not only that she is going to nz next month and going for 7 wks but completly FORGOT she will be away for OH's birthday and just said oh when she realised!! Then she had the cheek to ask whether my OH would take her to the airport!!!

Sorry for the rant but they really wind me up!!

 

[yorksmummy]

I think my husband must have a brother he hasn't been telling me about because it sound like your in laws are mine too!!!
We had the weekly meal thing too, and his mother was all supportive when I was expecting my first baby. When my daughter arrived things changed. My mother in law expected to take my daughter off here there and everywhere whenever she wanted and hit the roof when I said no. She tried to influence every decision there was to make regarding our daughter, and basically wanted us to do what she wanted. The meals stopped a few weeks before my daughter was due and then she just started dropping in, whilst my husband was on paternity leave she "dropped in" everyday, then it became twice a week until the upset of me not letting her take my daughter off for the day. Then every weekend, with phone calls and texts if we weren't in asking where we were as they wanted to see the baby.
It put a lot of pressure on my husbands and my relationship to the point where I told him if things didnt change I would probably leave. We now live an hour away from them and things are better. I do think that it was a little extreme to move but there were underlying reasons why we couldn't actually sit down with them and talk about giving us space.
You're not alone at all, I hope things improve for you. xx
(My father in law is the same with the comments too, I am overweight and I always feel that he is directing comments at me. He talks politics and of course knows everything about everything. I just laugh to myself now when we're with them as he sounds like such an arse)