in laws issue

[Needhelp]

Hi all,

I'm so down at the moment and really need to vent. My mil has always been really controlling but I've always let it slide. We generally get on quite well but she never takes my point of view seriously and as I don't have much confidence I don't stand up for myself.

Since having my baby things have gotten bad and I dread seeing her (she lives 5 mins away so see her at least 3 hrs a week). Basically she takes over my baby when we're there. She never asks to have him, just snatches him out my hands. And then she does what she wants with him. For instance, yesterday he was really screaming because he was overtired and teething. OH and I were both trying to soothe him, but she just walked up grabbed him and said 'he wants his nanny' and walked out the room. Then she took him out into the garden even though it was freezing and he only had a thin top on. I asked her to bring him in but her and fil just kept ignoring me saying 'hes fine, he likes it out here'. My OH says I'm overreacting but its not like I never want her to see him. I just want her to ask before taking him and to listen if I say no. I'm so hurt that OH knows how I feel and how much it hurts me but he won't stand up for me. He is quite happy to tell my mom off when she does things he doesn't like and even if I don't agree I support him. Just feel like I'm second best to his mom and I hate feeling like I have no control over my baby. I just don't know what to do. They won't listen and OH doesn't see a problem. Any advice? Do you think I'm overreacting? Thanks.

 

[Rachel80]

Could you text her & say how you feel? Just say you're not being neurotic but you would just like her to ask before taking him & listen to your requests. Say you are grateful for her help & advice but you just would like her to be a bit more respectful of your needs. It'll probably be a bit awkward for a while. Do you think you are being a bit sensitive though? I was really hormonal for the first 6 months. As long as she's not putting him in danger I wouldn't worry too much x

 

[Needhelp]

Thanks for replying Rachel. Txting not really an option as they are not technology people so would have to be face to face. Maybe I am being oversensitive. I just worry about what they'll do when I'm not there. For instance she keeps saying he needs his hair cut and how she'll talk to her hair dresser about it. I keep saying I don't want it cut but she's always talking about it so now I'm worried she'll do it when babysitting. :s anyway, thanks for replying. Just needed to get it off my chest.

 

[mrssmith2011]

aw bless you I hope you get it sorted out. at the end of the day he is your baby and you know what is best. Your post has just reminded me why I am so pleased we have nothing to do with my in laws x

 

[kinkers]

She probably thinks she is being super helpful and maybe doesn't realise how she is actually coming across. I don't know how I would approach it myself but when my nephew was born my sister in law hated other people taking him out of the room etc, she never said anything but she would just come and take him off of people again if they walked out the room with him and everyone just kinda got the hint... maybe you could just do that? Give her a couple of minutes with him and then just take him back and say 'actually it's ok I'll deal with it'. If she does happen to get his haircut behind your back then it is the perfect opportunity to tell her to bog off!!!!

 

[Needhelp]

Thanks both - I really appreciate your replies. I've actually tried just taking him back after a few minutes but she always says 'no he's fine with me' and won't give him me back. I'll just see how it goes. I just wish I could be more assertive, and I just feel really let down by my husband for not supporting me. Hopefully things will get better over time.

 

[mrssmith2011]

I hope things get better for you. For all I hate my in laws I wish things hadn't gone which way they had as they are missing out in their only grandchild but we haven't spoken to them for almost 3 years so well before we had Joseph so I suppose they can't miss what they have never had. Never thought that I would end up not speaking to my in laws though. Fingers crossed she changes xxx

 

[kinkers]

Well in that case, I think your husband really needs to step up and say something to her! It's not fair to let you feel the way you do

 

[Anna456]

I could of written this post myself a couple of months ago (my lo is now 9 months old) my mil always seemed to think she knew best and would take him off me without asking and it made me soooo cross!!! And I properly disliked her for it! I'm still not sure how it changed but it did! Rather than battling with her I kind of let her get on with it and in doing so she started saying things like "when you're not in the room you can tell he misses you" and just nice things about him to do with me, I also started asking her advice (we went through a stage where my lo wasn't sleeping - still isn't in!) but I asked her advice and she was great about it all. I was literally going mad about her though and my bf just wouldn't do anything!!!! I think in the first 6 months or so I was so protective of my lo and felt I knew him best (which of course I did) I really didnt like her waltzing in and doing what she wanted, however as he's got a bit older he tells her what he doesn't like etc by the way he responds and she seems to of taken that on board. Hang in there it will get easier with her! But I totally get your frustration! The only plus in it - is that you know how much she adores her grandchild and although she's going about it the wrong way at the moment at least she is showing how much she cares xxx

 

[Needhelp]

Thanks girls. Anna, that's really great to know thank you. It's really helped just to talk it through so thanks everyone.

 

[Leeslocket]

I would be angry and upset too. My mil is the same ( there is a post by me on this bit somewhere about her) I know exactly how it feels when your baby is screaming and someone else is trying to soothe but eyre doing the wrong thing and you know it!

I know it's hard but you have to stand up for you and your baby. I didn't dare say much to my mil so I said to my husband "I don't want a fight about this but I am warning you that the next time your mum does xyz I am going to say something" he was so scared of what I would say that he now keeps us apart a bit more and has told her not to come over when he isn't here (she lives across the road!!!) he also tells her off when she starts doing what it is she does!

Your not over reacting and I know you can't help being wound up about it. Babies want their mothers end of.

 

[Needhelp]

Well my husband had a quick word with her today and she was really offended. He just asked her to listen to me more but she didn't understand where we were coming from. We left on good terms so will have to see how it goes. :/ feeling really anxious about it all but hopefully she will be a bit more aware of me now if I ask her not to do something. thanks for all your support everyone.

 

[mrssmith2011]

Fingers crossed she has listened to him x

 

[mylullaby]

The thing is, she has been a new mum before, so I'd expect her to be super-understanding of any anxieties / protectiveness that you're feeling, NOT to be making them worse by dismissing your opinion / taking him away from you. The hair cutting bit has really annoyed me on your behalf and I'd go further and actually use it as an example if she's struggling to understand where you're coming from. You could even admit you're feeling a little sensitive if you feel like that would help. Something like, "Look, I can see how much you love him - I'm so pleased he has such loving grandparents around him, he's so lucky, etc... but I'm feeling so emotional right now and probably a bit over-sensitive, but when you take him outside without warmer clothes on/suggest a hair cut, etc it makes me so anxious. For the record, I don't want him to have a hair cut and I would be SO ANGRY if anyone other than me and DH took him for his first hair cut. Can you understand that MIL?" I don't mean be a bitch, I just mean be assertive and get her to agree that she's coming across as an insensitive twonk. Sorry if I haven't written that very eloquently!

 

[Needhelp]

Thank you! that's really what I want to say. Just wish it would come out! Haven't seen her since the fight so will see how she is on the weekend! X

 

[Needhelp]

Well things seemed a bit better today so that's good! I've decided to draw a line in the sand from here and to just be more assertive next time something happens. Thanks for listening everyone!

 

[mylullaby]

Really pleased to hear that things have improved. Must feel like a huge weight off your mind.