In Laws

[Dragonfly Fi]

I have stopped myself from writing this thread for a couple of reasons, 1 i didnt know wether i was just being silly or not and 2 because its an awful lot of stuff to write down! Here goes though

When me and Liam first got together 4 years ago, i met his family at a family dinner in Wales, it was pretty horrendous to be honest and we never really hit it off. He has two incredibly possesive sisters who see him as a 'sweet little boy' and do their best to belittle him as much as possible, they got quite a shock when he brought a 'woman' home rather than a little girl and were quite threatened i think by our close-ness and also my ability to think for myself.

So we didnt hit it off, i demanded equality from his older alcoholic sister and she refused to give me that respect, i told her quite simply that without equality i could not see us having any sort of realistic relationship and perhaps we could just be civil to eachother? this was not good enough seemingly.

Since then, his mother has become the ice queen, layering every communication with bitter, cold energies and making sure at every step of the way that I know that SHE is on her 'daughters side' why sides come into it when your in a family unit is beyond me, i hope to offer my children a less unbalanced view on life but there we go.

She has visited us a handful of times, and watched her son go from strength to strength, he has really grown up in the last few years (probably something to do with not being told he is a 'little sweet boy' and instead being given the freedom to act like a man. he is proud and supported and feels loved in his relationship equally with me, rather than being the supported as he always was in his relationship with his family.

Regardless of the obvious improvement on Liams wellbeing, financial security and happiness, nothing i do is ever right.

Once she came to visit (about 2 years ago) and Liam was a bit upset, we had had a fall out and he ranted to her a bit about me (which is fair enough, every relationships has their ups and downs, ours has lots of ups and a few downs which is normal i think)

She proceeded to hang on to this snippet of information about our personal life, and used it against us six months later as a way of letting me know (i can only assume) that he had told her i was a horrid person and that i was bad for him?!

I was absolutely gobsmacked by this, Liam was embarrassed and i was quick to tell her that every relationships has its ups and downs and that we are doing just find thank you very much!

so, in the last two years we have had very little communications, i have not wanted someone in my life who constantly ignores the good and focuses soley on the bad, its not neccessary and i dont think healthy for anyone concerned.

When i fell pregnant i spoke to his mother quite frankly, i told her that now i was expecting her grandchild we were pretty intrinsically linked and that perhaps we should work out some method of being around eachother which was based upon trust rather than the current situation where i would be as nice as pie to her and feed her and make her welcome here, only for her to pick up on sparse moments spread out across years to base her opinions on me.

I told her that we needed to have some sort of agreement, or we needed to arrange for her to meet and know the child without me being a part of it (which i think is fine, if people are not keen to get on why force it? moving on is much more positive)

So, i spoke with her for an hour, most of which she rambled on about her own circumstances and how badly life had treated her (yawn) and towards the end of the conversation i asked her again, quite outrightly 'do you think that we can have a relationship based upon trust and honesty for the sake of Liam and this child' her response 'I will think about it'

Now what exactly do you DO with a person like that? Regardless i carried on, i sent her texts telling her about scans and progress reports, i sent texts re - name choices and tried my best to engage her at all times in what was going on. I have never recieved such cold, robotic texts from anyone in my life, i would go so far as to say i would not send such vehenmous messages to my worst enemy when they were pregnant, let alone the long term girlfriend of my son and mother of my grandchild!

To cut a long story short, this blatent inability to accept me as a member of Liams family (think inviting him away without mentioning me, think cards and messages addressed to Liam and Child) wore me down and in the end culminated in (and this is what really took the biscuit and made me realise this isnt all in my head and is infact a real issue)

SENDING A MESSAGE TO LIAM ON OUR WEDDING DAY SAYING (and i quote)

'Liam, will be thinking of YOU today, much love your mum'

Is that normal on the day your child is getting married? Perfect strangers write 'best wishes to the pair of you' or whatever

I thought it was absolutely horrendous i really did and i was mortified that she could be so cold and calculated, because you really have to THINK about that dont you, its so natural to wish a bride and groom well together that you actually have to really mull it over before completely excluding half of the wedding party!

Liam was as you can imagine, heartbroken and furious, we didnt discuss it at all on the day because she can piss off the poisionious witch but we did discuss it in great length the next day

Liam then sent his mother an email saying that relations HAD to improve between me and her in order for her to have a viable relationship with Jasper (the baby) in the first few years of his life (not because i would ever stop her seeing Jasper, but i will not be treated in this way and he will be pretty mummy orientated for the first 2 years particularly)

she responded to his email (two days after our wedding) by suggesting that i was abusing him, the email was obviously written by me not him and that she hope he realises how abusive the relationship we are in is before his life is over.

now this woman has NEVER taken the time to get to know how we are together, how good we are, the love that we have and the synergy we create for eachother

we want to parent in the same way, we would never be unfaithful to eachother and i tell him each and every day how fantastical he is and how much i love him

he is just about to embark on an apprentiship in engineering, doing exactly what he wants to do with his life (something he never thought possible before because he never saw himself as good enough before)

Now i dont mean to ostriacise Liam from his family, but they have never given us anything but grief, his sister has just had a little boy (he is a year old now) and hasnt even so much as thrown a baby-gro our way from his old stash - His mother gave us a second hand 1ft hooka pipe (you smoke flavoured tobacco through it) for a wedding present knowing that me and Liam both stopped smoking tobacco when i feel pregnant

all they give us is grief, and even now they are telling him he HAS to get a seperate mobile phone because they cant phone him on our joint one (even though i wouldnt answer it because the name would come up, i would just pass it over to him) and we have SO much to sort out

they have even accused me of being a dole scrounger, something that is totally untrue and his sister condescends to Liam when she does speak to him and hasnt bothered to find out what our parental style is like at all.

The other thing is she happily gets drunk around her 1 year old, and i dont want Jasper exposed to any drug that young...

do you think i am being cruel by saying they cant see him until he is older and only then under strict supervision by me and Liam?

Do you think its wrong of me to suggest his mother cannot come to the Naming Ceremony and meet the child when its first born?

I feel like a witch but i also feel i need to protect myself AND my baby from such horrendous people

 

[x_MrsE_x]

Oh i feel for you, if i was in your situation i would cut his family out completely...

One of my friends has had the same sort of thing happen, her husbands family didnt go to their wedding, see their first child till she was a year - that was in passing while out shopping, and has never seen her 2nd child, he is happy with the way this is, if his family cant respect his wishes or his family then why should he give them the time of day ?

Does your o/h want his family to meet the baby and be apart of his life ?

If they do meet your baby id have strict supervision in place, after all all your doing is protecting your family!

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

Yeah Liam is devistated, he does love his family they moddycoddle him though and he does know that...

we even had troubles in the bedroom to start with, you know because he didnt really feel like enough of a man My poor husband, he has been abused in the worst possible way because he still cant quite see how damaging they have been to him - hes just realising if you see what i mean.

They are horrid, they keep going on about him getting another mobile phone (like that would make a difference we share EVERYTHING totally, he showed me the email he sent her and it was clearly from him, but she wouldnt admit that she will only admit that i am somehow 'making' him talking to her about it (like anyone wouldnt be angry that their mother speaks to their wife the way she does to me)

She uses any situation she can to try and dig the knife in, to try and break us up and i am sick of it.

Mostly what worries me is that she has a really screwed up relationship with her parents, and his sisters manipulate people against their grandparents, they tried doing it to me at the dinner when i met them and i told them i wasnt interested in their family feuds. I am worried they will try and manipulate Jasper 'on side' like they did me and it worries me also that they drink so much and dont seem to mind doing so around the little boy. I dont want Jasper to look at alcohol as an acceptable drug because i think its dreadful and alcoholism runs in the family...

i just want to protect my own, and also the love that me and Liam have, its very hard knowing that if Liam has a down day or we have a wee falling out, his mother will jump on it and try her hardest to spilt us up.

How can we have a relationship with that hanging over us

she hasnt even offered to help with the baby, not financially or mentally or emotionally, nothing - none of them have

we have done it totally on our own with a tiny budget (something i am very proud of) and i dont WANT their help or NEED their help but it would have been nice to know they are there.

Part of me wants to run away with my baby and husband and protect them from these awful people, but Liams wishes are that jasper knows his mother. I cant deny him that its his baby too

I just worry they will try and poison him against me

 

[karenandbump]

Aw hon, what a situation....please dpn't wory that someone can poison your baby against you - as a mummy to an 18 month old I can re-assure you that no matter what and no matter who he is excited by at that time, he knows who is mummy is and looks to me for re-assurance, guidance and love in a way he doesn't with anyone else. It's a really special relationship you are about to enjoy and it will exist in spite of anyone else.

Re: what to do...tough one. Really hard to exclude family but can totally see why you would want to. I would back off in terms of including them....let them come to you which they will need to in order to see the baby. Breastfeeding is a great way to need to be around initially so you can see how the ground lies. I would go quiet and let them decide what they want to do - slience is the most powerful tool...use it and let them need to ask you if they can be involved.
Lots of love xxx

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

Oh i have decided i wont be around them, so whilst i am breastfeeding and cant express (for at least the first six months or so) they will not have access - i know thats harsh but i have tried to implement another way and have been met with more of the same nasty-ness and cold bitter exchange

the problem we have now is things like, his mother telling him he HAS to buy a mobile phone immediately that she can call him on (she can call him just fine on the one we already have) when we are struggling to buy all the things we need for baby a mobile phone on the cheap would cost 20 quid - well i could buy a moses basket for 20quid, or a cot bedding set, or a pack of bibs or something

they dont seem to realise that there are more important things for us to be spending our money on than a new phone for liam (when he already has access to one) at this point in our lives!

its dreadful i think they would prefer he never saw me or the baby again so they could continue moddycoddlying him

isnt that sick!

 

[Pudds86]

Wow you are a MUCH better person than I am! I have also had a VERY VERY similar experience with my in-laws and it has made me very angry and bitter towards them. They will NOT be seeing my baby without me being there, and if thats a problem then I guess they wont be seeing the baby.

I think youre reaction is very calm, and you have come out the much better person. Why have to deal with people like that who make your lives a misery? My husband has now decided that his priority is his wife and unborn baby and also having a stressfree life. if his family are not going to fit into that equation then so be it. x

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

yeah Liam will always choose me and Jasper over them which is brilliant really because i would actually run away from him if he didnt!

i dont know if i am entirely blameless, he called his sister to ask her not to drink around our son and she made him cry so i called her a poisonious alcoholic wench who cant control herself

i then proceeded to tell her exactly what i thought of her and why... so i am no angel dont get me wrong

his mother though, shes a tosser! i have tried really hard to introduce her to everything we do, i even suggested she come to the wedding but she was SO mean to me in the run up i had to ask her not to be there - basically i was finding her flights down and offering to lend her the car and the woman wouldnt even reply to my emails, when Liam finally said 'mum you have to actually speak to Fi if your going to come to the wedding' she sent me the most robotic, rude email you could possibly imagine and it was the final straw for me, we only had 5 people at the wedding (us included) and i burst into tears with Liam just because i couldnt imagine having this person there at our most intimate moment who filled every communication with me with hate and venom.

maybe that makes me a bad person but it was really wearing me down, i was starting to really doubt wether we should get married (no doubt what she had in mind all along) and i was feeling so negative all the time it cant have been good for the baby


she even said in the email that she had been abused by Liams father in the same way i am apparently abusing Liam and it took her 20 years to realise, and that she hopes he doesnt waste his life on me.

Liams father died 3 weeks ago so you can only imagine how deep that cut

 

[ema-lou24]

what a sick family!!

im so sorry you are going through this hun , i cant really give advice as ive not experienced it.
but you will know what to do when the time is right, hope it all works out in the end x

 

[Rosie's Mummy]

My God - Im sorry but I wouldnt have anything to do with them, they obviously dont want to make the effort with you or meet you half way, Im sorry you have to deal with them

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

its their loss i think, but its Liams loss too in a way because he does love them - they are his family

Which kind of makes it my loss too, because i only want to make him happy

Oh well, worse things have happened at sea!

 

[Lacey's Mummy]

I'm so sorry to hear your going through this. You've handled it much better than how I would've! I would've told them to get stuffed by now! It's them who are gonna miss out on thier grandchild/nephew and you don't want so much negitivity around your son!

My O/H's parents have nothing to do with my daughter and won't with this baby too as they've never even tried to be in her life, at the start it was upsetting but now I just think she's better off not knowing them than having them drift in and out of her life!

Goodluck with what you decide to do, your know what's right x x x

 

[evajo]

I have the slight reverse in that we have much more to do with Oh's family than my own. Although they are quite elderly now they have played a huge part in our childrens lives whereas my mum has never seen them. I had decided early on that she was such a depressive, vindictive person that i wouldn't want my children to be part of her life. There were obviously a run up of events that led to this and lots of hurt feelings.
I did have a few small run in with my in laws to start but after a few weeks of not visiting they realised that i wouldn't be led and if they wanted to see our chidren they would have to play ball!
I would say that this child is yours and whilst we would all like to have happy families this is just not the case. As far as having children around drinkers or even in a tense atmosphere i think would be too much for me. I honestly think that if she does see you child the novelty will wear off pretty quick and your OH will soon come to expect that his mum will play a smaller role in all of your lives.
I really wouldn't keep on trying to come to an agreement, if she isn't even willing to try a come to arrangment like an adult i would just concentrate on your babe and OH they - you are a family together now and once baby comes along you'll care about what they think even less - and i am sure your OH will come to this conclusion over time too xx
hope things work out for you and you stay relaxed - last thing you need is stress like this - bloody family!

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

thanks for the replies everyone - its been difficult but i am hoping we can all get on with our new found agreement that we WONT be spending time together.

Jasper can have a relationship with them when he is older and i am comfortable with it, the biggest problem now is that Liam seems to have lost most, if not all, touch with his family - they seem to think that they cant phone or email him as i 'intercept' his calls and emails! Which is just nonsense i wouldnt dream of it!

we will get him a phone eventually but we are skint, they will just have to swallow their pride and get intouch with us, or wait until we have time/money/inclination to sort out Yet Another Phone for him to be contacted on!

 

[Tasha89]

I've just spent a good 15 mins reading through everything and I cant believe the way both you and Liam have been treated
It must be very hard for Liam not to have the support of his family but he's got his own family to protect now. I think you just have to accept that if you are having to 'force' a relationship with his parents, then it's not worth it.
I'd personally leave them be and make them do the running - they've had 4 years to accept your relationship with their son and if they cant be adult about it and just accept that you are for keeps, then i'd tell them to get knotted.
I haven't spoken to my Dad since Jan as he's being a total wanker - it's hard as my little brother lives with him but i'm able to arrange days out with him still so it's all good
You and Liam do what's best for your family All the best xx