I'm a mess!

[caseysmummy11]

It's been 8 months since my baby was born sleeping and it's getting harder not easier. I'm in the process of counselling but it's not helping yet. I'm am anxious mess who is struggling to keep it together, I'm so far from the old me, I've forgotten who she was. My maternity leave is now over, I managed three days back at work and now I can't bear the thought of going and am getting panick attacks.i feel withdrawn from the world at times and can't concentrate on anything but my own thoughts, I'm snappy and so tired. I'm scared to wean my daughter with finger foods incase she chokes, I cry when my son gets upset, I cry when my daughter looks sad, I cry when I'm tired and broke down completely on my second day back at work. My hearts aches when I see a set of twins and I see them God damn everywhere now! I wake up every morning with dread that something bad is going to happen to us. I long to go back to being carefree, I want to be able to enjoy my children and not constantly worry that their lives are in danger, I dot want to be angry anymore, I want to be able to go back to work and be normal again but I'm scared that's never going to happen, I think I'm always going to be broken, I can't be fixed as there's a huge part missing that will never be able to be put back. I want the life I thought I was going to have with all 3 of my babies together. Watching my twin girls play together and love each other, I don't want to have to explain to my 4 year old that his baby zara can't come down from the sky to be with us again and again and watch his face crumple with sadness, I don't want to have to explain to lily that she can't meet her twin sister who was a part of her. I would give anything to go back and change it for our family.

Just needed to get it off my chest, it weighs heavily in my head and just writing it down helps a little xxx

 

[babyscotcher]

Don't want to read and run hun. It will get easier one day but it will never go away. No loss ever does.

Have you thought about speaking to your GP to see if there is any counselling or CBT avaliable to you for you to talk through how you feel. It may at least help with the panic attacks and irrational thinking. Also do you and your OH talk about it? He lost her too and you may find confiding in each other beings you closer together and makes you feel less alone. X

 

[kittikat489]

Don't be so hard on yourself hun, it will take time, every tomorrow is a new day, your beautiful baby girl will always be with you, in your heart, we as mums learn to ,'cope' with everything that comes, my heart goes out to you and your beautiful girl, I don't write much on here but my 16 year old son came home from a wake of his friend also 16 who died in his sleep 2 days ago, no words can describe how I feel for any mother who has lost a child, you have the strength for your little ones at home, every day your little one is still here in your heart ♥ god bless xxxx

 

[caseysmummy11]

Thanks ladies. My gp has signed me off work until Jan as my anxiety levels are so high and I'm close to tears alot so he doesn't think I'm ready to be there yet.

Me and my other half discuss things a little bit us still raw for him so he struggles to talk about it. I'm in counselling but the appointments are spaced out quite far so I struggle in between times quite a bit. Xxx

 

[snowbee]

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. You have had an awful experience and it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do. While I would expect it to be still so raw for you right now if you can just get through the days then time, although it won't take away the pain and the loss, will enable you to think of your angel Zara with a smile rather than a tear.

Something I found really helpful was to think of one thing a day that makes you smile, so cherish a small moment with your little boy or baby Lily just for a few moments and appreciate those moments. The hardest thing of all is to accept that you can't change what has happened, all you can do is make the most of what you do have. Big hugs, take it a day at a time.

 

[caseysmummy11]

I'm finding it tough with it coming up to Christmas as well. I remember last year looking forward to my babies first Christmas. Although I'm still looking forward to Christmas for my other two, I feel sad that zara won't be here with us, I feel awful that I can't buy her presents for her too, we've decided to name a star after her for Christmas so at least we've gotten something for her. We've also bought an ornament with her name on for the tree.

Thanks snowberry, that's so true and I am very greatful for my other children. I'm greatful for lily's smile and my sons happiness, they keep me going even through the hardest of days if I hadn't got them I would have shattered into pieces. I'm also greatful that they were identical as I know when I'm looking at lily I'm also seeing zara too, I do try to count my blessings daily, some days it's easier than others xxx

 

[lisa1985]

Thinking of you xxx