I need advice :( bit long sorry

[Beth88]

Well as most of you probably know, this pregnancy was about as unplanned as it could be, with me being on the pill etc.. Anyway, i found out two weeks ago, and at first i was ridiculously scared, but i wanted to keep it for definite and i was definitely set on making a life for myself etc.

I'm at uni, at the end of my second year at the moment.. My OH is the same, doing a law degree which is REALLY demanding (ive seen him 3 times in the last 4 weeks due to him having exams).

I told my parents, and they were ok with me eventually, and i know that they will support me and let me get on with it.. My mum has said that she will definitely look after baby one or two days a week for me to come up to Leics to attend uni etc..

Now heres the problem - my OH finished his exams yesterday, so he came round and we chatted about it properly.. and he has made it crystal clear that he does NOT want a baby now. And if im being realistic, this is really really awful timing.. Not the best time to be having a baby, half way through my degree and stuff. But he doesn't want me to have it. He simply said "i can't have a baby now" and he was so upset. He hasn't told his parents yet.
We talked about ti all yesterday evening and last night and this morning.. He said he can't take this, he knows he wont have time for this child and doesnt want to bring it into the world knowing he wont spend time with it properly and be able to appreciate it etc. I can see where he's coming from, its very true, he wouldnt have much time for me and the baby, and at first i thought i could deal with that. But can I? Can I really be happy staying in Wales most of my time when my OH is in Leics doing his uni work and not seeing his baby very often? Will i be happy with this?

Will i be happy knowing that i am tied to this baby forever and can never have a new relationship? My OH wasn't overly keen on staying with me i don't think - i did say "but what if i choose to keep this baby, what wil lyou do then?" and he just replied "well i'll have to rethink everything wont i."

He isn't being unfair, i really don't think he is.. i just think he's being honest, which is what i'd prefer..

Argh what do i do. If this was in a year or 2 it would be so nice.

 

[Jade&Evie]

Only you can decide BUT do you really want to get rid of something which, honestly, will be the best thing you'll ever have for a bloke who doesn't sound like he loves you very much.

Don't sacrifice your child for a man who might not stick around regardless. So many women do it on their own now- it's not ideal but you sound like you have a really supportive mum.

 

[Tasha20]

Beth I have read your posts and seen your worry about this pregnancy and how much you want your baby, I cans ee the excitement in your posts!!

Plenty of women manage just fine on their own and with lots of support from this forum, family and friends you will get through it.

I must say though, yes your partner has a lot on, but people have been in far worse situations and came out the otherside happy and so pleased that they overcome any problems they face, he sounds like its still not sunk in for him yet, and I think he is asking you two do something that I don't see as being totaly nessisary, many young women do their degree with child in tow, with the support of their partner, to me its more a case of him not wanting to face his responsibilities yet, and not wanting to have to deal with a child, which is understandable hes young and scared! yes you were on the pill, but its not 100% effective and there is always a chance when your not using condoms! You both created this child, and I dont think you would go through with a termination, it would destroy you.

Things never happen the way you want them too, life experiences happen all the time at the time you think is the wrong moment! only to realise when you have got through it, it was the best thing that has ever happened to you.

Children are a blessing, and I am sure you will do just fine, with or without him

 

[Melly+2]

Hope wasnt planned, Gal wanted me to have an abortion, so badly we nearly split up because of it, i stuck to my guns and here we are now a year and a half later with babay number 2 on the way. An unplanned baby makes things dramatically but at the end of the day its your choice, if he decides he doesnt have time to see baby then what can you do, but at the end of the day, this is what i think, if it means you both either spening less time together for him to finish uni, or as i plan to go to uni when babies are old enough and in school, either way its a desision you have to make for yours, his and the babys sake, you know what your heart is telling you, just do what feels right

 

[Penstraze]

I think you really want this baby no its not ideal yes the future looks abit scary with your college course and possibly being on you and it makes you doubt if you can cope and only you can decide if you will.
Uni course aside your situation seems so similar to mine as I explained in your other thread my baby wasnt planned and my OH didn't want me to keep it and I felt put alot of presure on me trying to make me change my mind he implied we wouldn't still be together if I kept baby and I was terrified I'd have ended up jobless, homeless and on my own if we split up and a number of times I questioned if I could really do this. But I know if I had an abortion I would never forgive myself, I would resent him for making me feel it was my only option and we would split up anyway and that the guilt would just eat away at me for the rest of my life and I genuinely couldnt live with myself!
I am not trying to imply this is how abortions make everyone feel or influence your decission just asking you to really look at your heart and think if you went for an abortion would you regret it for the rest of your life cause thats an awful lot to live with, if you genuinely didn't want this baby it would be alot easier but based on your posts you really sound like you already want and love this baby in which case I can't see how an abortion would be the best decission for you.
Would you resent your OH for convincing you to do it? Would you feel guilty/would you regret your decission? Would you think I'd be so many weeks pregnant now/my baby would be due now/ my baby would be one now etc for the rest of your life? There are very very few people that regret keeping a child so many more that regret an abortion, obviously there are also plenty of people for whom an abortion was the right option and although they might wonder what might have been they know an abortion was right for them at the time, I am not trying to talk you out of an abortion if that is genuinely what you think is best. You need to be so clear of what you want for YOU cause it really is you who has to live with the consiquences make sure you are 100% sure of your decission before acting on it. You sound like you have your head screwed on right im sure you will make the right choice for you!

 

[Beth88]

I know i don't want an abortion. I couldn't do that, never.. Its not for me - im not totally against other people having it, but it really just isn't for me.. Argh.

I think what i want is someone to come over and wave a magic wand and suddenly make it so that this is 3 years later when i have my own place and my career sorted - that would be amazing. But lets get real, no one is going to do that for me are they. I will be fine. i know i will be fine. my OH isn't being great at the moment, but i think he will come round to it, and even if he doesnt, i know i can do this.

Thanks girls

 

[fran_23]

aw you poor thing- same as the other girls have said i can tell you are excited about this baby and you are willing to do what you can to fit the baby into your life and continue with uni etc.
I know he is being honest with you and ultimately that is definitly better than lying to you and then leaving you when the baby comes.
Maybe he needs a bit more time to get his head around it, but if he doesn't then you sound like a really strong girl and if you want this baby then you can do it alone. As for being stuck in with the baby and not being able to find a new relationship..thats not true plenty of girls go on to have happy relationships with a new partner.
I'm sure everything will work out for the best for you in the end,
it must be really hard to hear what your OH said, but there is no such thing as a right time to have a baby- perhaps he will have a change of heart? best of luck hun remember we are here to chat to if you need us xx

 

[keli]

My pregnancy was totally unplanned. Me and OH had only been together about 5 mths. When i told him he outright said that he didn't want the baby. He knew i wouldn't get rid. After us trying for a while and it not working i'm now on my own. I don't regret the decision to keep the baby i know it will be the best thing thats happened to me. At the moment David ( babies father) wants to see baby when born but not to sure whats going to happen after that. Men are alot more selfish then we are. Your fella may come round and he may not but as long as you know in your heart you want your baby then thats all that matters, everything else will work itself out xxxx

 

[Beth88]

Thank you for the replies

I've had a chat with my mum, and she said i should definitely do what i feel is right and not let anyone else sway my decision. Its not the fact that i could lose my OH that gets to me really, because this baby would mean more to me than him if he's going to be a tw*t - It's just that i am scared sh*tles of not being able to cope on my own.
You know, like when things get tough, like when im sleep deprived and have no one to pass the baby to. And when i'd tell members of my (huge) extended family "oh im pregnant, yay..." "oh thats nice wheres Aaron?" "oh he decided this wasn't for him so hes gone" i can just see their faces now.. i don't know if i could do it.

I am not willing to abort this baby, and OH knows this, he knows i wont ever do that. I always said to him that if he couldnt deal with the idea of a baby to use a condom, as the pill is oly 99.9% or whatever.. and we always talked about having a baby.. but not now..

I am going to keep this baby, and he'll do what he likes. Normally he is the most supportive and tolerant person i've ever met, i can shout at him and winge at him for weeks without him even saying a nasty word back to me, but i think this is getting to him..
Well we will see.. i am keeping this baby regardless of anything he says, so he can take us or leave us.

 

[Melly+2]

you sound very mature, your doing the right thing following your heart, and when baby comes, its little face will get you through those tough nights, they did me

 

[leckershell]

I'm so glad you are planning on keeping your baby.

Not the same situation I know but me and my OH had been together for 3 months when we had found out about Ryan, and we really weren't the baby types in the slightest. We were getting to a rocky stage of the relationship where I was wondering if I was happy in it, and then we found out. That's what you call pretty sh*t timing. The doctors were starting to investigate whether I would actually be able to have children or not, so when I found out I was pregnant I thought it could be my only chance and would I want to give up that chance and regret it in the future when it was a more "convenient" time to have a baby?

I don't think anybody can ever be 100% prepared for a baby. The cost, the sleepless nights, the hormones while pregnant and then afterwards while coming to terms with your new body shape. Not to put you off in the slightest because I wouldn't change a thing. Was just trying to say that even if you've been TTC for a while, things still change in a new way you have never experienced before and all sorts of unexpected things happen that you wouldn't have known about regardless of how many parenting books you read. Nothing can really prepare you for being a first time mum, although this forum comes close

We've now been together nearly 2 years and doing really well as a family - renting a house, we've both had promotions, and talking about future marriage (something OH was never interested in beforehand). Even if you do this alone, nothing will beat the feeling you get from your babies first smile, and as they progress knowing that it's you who has helped them become who they are and build their personality.

Hope you do what's right for you, but tbh your boyfriend doesn't sound like he is interested in something "if it doesn't benefit him", if that makes sense? Whereas you sound like a lovely girl with a good worldly head on who could do better

All the best hun xx sorry for rambling

 

[Beth88]

Thanks Leckershell.. Argh its just so horrible.. The reason im so against getting rid of this baby is that i know if OH said to me "ok yeah lets make a go of this" i'd do it in a shot.. So i am basing this worry and upset on him.

I will talk to him again soon, and see what he thinks.. We arent not talking as such, but im sitting in bed at home crying about things and i think hes sitting in his house worrying about me keeping it and how he'll tell his parents.

i wish things were simple.

 

[nickilubs]

I think your doing a really great thing by keeping this babe. You obviously are so excited about it and you should be.

Really hardly any pregnancy is planned mine isnt but Im very lucky in the way that my OH has the same views as me that a child no matter what circumstances is a blessing.

I hope that your OH realizes this. Its far to easy for someone to disconnect themselfs from the fact that there is a real child being made in your tummy right now its especially easy if it isnt your body that the child is being made in but whether your OH likes it or not then this is his little boy or girl. If you want this child then its something he is going to have to ultimately face up to really believe me when I say there is never a right time but you have only known for a couple weeks you have such a long time to work out how to make this work for you everyones situations are different and its not going to be easy but then being a parent never is but it is something that you can make work if you want it too.

Dont worry about other peoples views when it comes to telling them about your pregnancy you should be so proud because you have chose your childs life over yours thats nothing to be ashamed of.

 

[Suzie and Faith]

Things never work out how we plan them. I wanted to wait another 5 or 6 years for a baby but as it is i found out i was pregnant one day after my 20th birthday, 3 days into my first year of the uni course i'd spent do long trying to get into. I was (and still am) living at home.

Not ideal. but in the same way you have said i knew i couldn't give the baby up. My OH is very supportive and now we're married, he's living at my mums with me and we are looking at moving out once baby is a few months old.

When i found out and told OH the first thing he did was tell me it'd all be ok. A few days later i sat him down and told him that i would not judge him if he chose to leave me but that i would be having this baby no matter what. He had never mentioned that he thought i shouldn't keep baby and i'm lucky because he has been wanting her as much as me the whole way through.

Your OH has been honest which is good, the best thing you can do is take a deep breath, be strong and leave your OH to make his choice. But don't do something you'd regret just for him xxxxxxx

 

[zebrastripes]

Do what is best for you, not your OH. Education, uni, and passing exams are hugely important..but compared to bringing a new life into the world, and caring for it, they fade into insignificance somewhat... I'm aiming to go to uni: and I know that if for some reason I don't get in, yes, I'll be devestated, but fate will make it that something different will come up...your OH is seeing it from this side: a "baby" is such an intangible concept at this stage: he can't possibly anticipate how much he'll love it once it's born.
My OH is 19: and he's a daft pudding at times, and I do occasionally want to give him a good shake: but he's been man enough to take on his responsibilities as best he can. He's been at college this past year, I've been at school, and there have been times that we have only seen each other once a week. Neither of us like it but we know we just have to make it work as best we can.
And it has. Although he may not see Willow as often as he likes, my OH makes the time he spends with her count.In a lot of ways I like it-we don't have to argue about mortgages, work etc, but we do get to spend lots of "quality time" together whether that be blackberry picking or swimming at the beach, or simply bathing W and putting her to bed...because he's not doing it all the time, it is more of a joy to him IYKWIM?
As a result, she loves her daddy, and although we miss each other at times, all in all, it has all been very easygoing so far- maybe because we have the benefit of not getting under each other's feet all the time

In being as honest as he has, I think your OH has shown himself to be a decent person already. Like it or not, he is going to be a dad, and if he has any backbone (which by the sounds of it he has) he will stick to it and make the best of it.If he has the guts to tell you exactly what he thinks...and anyway- Being a dad at weekends is still better than not being a dad at all. However if he is going to make an executive descision to be an irresponsible twat, then leave him to it. I personally wouldn't want to be wasting much more time on a fella who can't work out it takes two to tango, ergo he should be doing his bit as well. I don't know what guys complain about, it's women who do the child carrying and bearing, or the abortion or whatever, men do eff all in that respect, and they are the ones who whinge about "not coping " etc
Ahem..

Don't worry about uni. Lots of people successfully juggle uni with babies. Well suppose it's better to get your learning over and done with in one go You'll be fine. You seem strong enough & smart enough to manage this one. Just try to enjoy your pregnancy as much as possible

 

[lea m]

Im so glad your keeping babs!

Will i be happy knowing that i am tied to this baby forever and can never have a new relationship?

I just wanted to say, if your OH cant/wont step up, this sentence is not true! There will be millions of others out there who will love you and your LO! Not saying that this is what will happen etc, but if it doesnt work out with your OH, its certainly not the end of the world!
Im a firm believer in things happen for a reason!