Feeling Confused :(

[WannaBeMummy]

Hi everyone.

I apologise for this being my first post... and i'm sorry that it's so long.

I'm 23 next week and i realised recently that i desperately want to be a mum. It had never occured to me before that it was so important to me, but it is.

the problem is that the man i love and want to have a baby with... doesn't want to have a baby

i'm not daft - i know that now would be just about the most inconvenient time to have a baby. my other half is going to Uni in September so we can't get our own place until he has his degree so i'll be living at home with my mum for another 4 years... and wedging a cot in between the rat cage and the tortoise table in my bedroom is not my idea of domestic bliss...

so i know that i have to wait for at least 4 years (which feels like an eternity because i know i'm ready now), but my other half wants me to wait longer than that.

he says that, after he has his degree, he wants to spend a few years "enjoying his youth" and spending the money he'll be earning (he's doing a degree so that he can get a specific job which pays a fairly nice wage) on things he wants to spend it on and then see if he's ready for a baby.

going by his math, i'll be about 32 before he "might" be ready for a baby. i don't want to be a mum for the first time in my 30s. and even if i did compromise to wait until then, what if he then decided that he still wasn't ready??

i understand that he's going to uni to make the future better for both of us... and i understand that he wants to live his life afterwards... but what he doesn't realise is that i'm already putting my life on hold for him. all the things he wants to do after uni, *i'm* ready to do now. and i can't because i have to be supportive of his career choices.

it's not my fault that he didn't decide what he wanted to do with his life the first time round at uni. i'm working full time, i'm earning enough money to buy the things i want to buy and do the things i want to do and i want nothing more than to have our own house and spend the next couple of years enjoying just living by ourselves before having a baby...

i know i can't force him into having a baby with me... but why can't he understand that while he has all the time in the world to have children, my time window is limited by biology and i don't want to wait until i'm in my 30s and then find that he won't let me have children anyway??

i'm feeling so confused. i love him and i don't want to leave him... but i feel so completely ready to be a mum and it aches just to think about waiting until he's finished uni... let alone thinking about never being a mother

 

[tuck]

That is a very hard situation to be in. My ex didnt want children, he swore that he'd told me this when we first met in our very early 20's but I am sure he didnt mention it until a few years down the line, anyway we didnt have the UNI thing to contend with but we both worked full time, I had a house and a very small mortgage and ideally we should have been living the life of riley but he never wanted to grow up. I was 37 when I finally had enough of his lies and we split. I am now happily married and expecting my 1st child and I turned 40 last week. I do regret not having children when I was younger but I am glad that I did not have them with my ex. looking back now I had a couple of exotic holidays and one fairly nice car and that's it , I just want to say that please think very carefully about this as you also have a choice and do you really want to put your life on hold for xxx amount of years?, no matter how much you love him? also being in your 30's is not to old to start a family! sorry if I sound a bit negative

 

[WannaBeMummy]

oh, i know that being in my 30s isn't "too old"... i just really want to have children sooner rather than later - waiting 7 years or more seems like a nightmare to me.

not only that - if i wait til i'm in my 30s and then i have trouble conceiving, i'll regret waiting even more.

i just don't know what to do i love him and i don't want to leave him. but being a mum is really important to me - if our circumstances were different it would be even more of a problem because i'd start TTC tomorrow if we could!

i don't know if i could leave him, even if i thought it was the best thing to do because i do love him and i want him to be the one i have my babies with.

i'm just feeling really down - it never occured to me that we would disagree on the one thing that's really important to me

 

[tuck]

wannabemummy

I'm sorry to say it but your partner is at least being honest with you about how he feels. Maybe you could wait for a year, as fact is, you may both change whilst he's at university? Is he going to be away from you or at a local uni?
personally when I first found out that my ex didnt want kids I thought that I loved him enough at the time for it not to bother me but as the years went by and we never did anything with our lives as he was always out with his 'mates' or at football etc I grew to resent it more and more as it was my life that was on hold not his and I didnt want to get to 50/60 and have nothing to show for my life!

I think all I'm trying to say is as I said before please THINK about what you want, yes you love your partner but how will you feel in 7+ years if he still dosnt want kids?

 

[Miracle babe]

Seems to me that this is all about what HE wants maybe its time to sit down and try and find some middle ground. Yeah your prepared to wait until he's finished college but what about what YOU want and what YOU need. If this relationship is going to work you really have to give both ways and if he's already calling the shots like this then maybe he isnt the one for you. Is it a case of you dont think you'll find anyone else and feel he's your only chance of having children? The other thing you have to consider is if he does say ok is it because he REALLY wants children or is it going to be a case of when they arrive he takes the attitude 'you wanted them they are your responsibility'. Please think this through carefully, you deserve to be happy and to feel complete and your children deserve a father who wants them as much as you do.
I hope you dont mind me being so honest. I wish you well xxxx

 

[Tangerinedream]

I wanted a baby since i was 18 years old but i knew i wanted a better life for myself and my future family first. I have been with OH since i was 17. I went ti uni and got a good job and we just bought our first house last year. I dont think we had a baby on the cards for a few years to come yet but i fell pregnant by accident. we are in a good enough place for this baby to be comfortablly welcome (not saying i would have gotten rid if it was earlier but things would have been a lot more difficult). I know what you mean about really wanting a baby badly but you have to think about the life you can offer it now compared to the life you would be able to offer it in the future when you have more security. If you want the best for your future family it will make the wait more worthwhile, i promise

 

[Alfiesmummy]

It basically boils down to what it is you want more.
Sorry to say this but I understand you are desperate for a baby ... but he isnt yet, and although hes being selfish about his own wants, it doesnt change the fact its a descision you both need to be ready with!
You hve two choices because tbh untill you are both ready to have a child it could ruin you if you did fall pregnant. But basically you either have to hang around and see if he will be ready for them, for him to never want children, or you go out and find someone who is willing. sorry hun andi hope it does all come out clear in the end, but a child is a lifelong commitment that you may feel ready for, but right now he isnt!

 

[Happybunny]

Hi Honey,

I can really empathise with you. My OH proposed to me when I was 23. I was terribly keen to have children, however, when he asked me to marry him, he said that it was only fair that he did not want children until we were in our mid 30s.
Both of us came from families with little money, now we both had professional jobs and he wanted us to enjoy the fruits of our labour. I had to do a lot of soul searching. In the end I decided that I loved him so much that I could wait. Frustrating as it was, he was worth it.
Funny things happened though, about 2 or 3 years after we married (we were about 26), OH had a kind of epiphany. We were having a big family Christmas with all the extended family and children. We had such a lovely time and he admitted that he realised that life wasn't about earning and spending money, it was about family.
Now he would desperately love to have children and we have been trying since last year...I think he wishes we tried earlier. But there are some good points from this. We have had a good few years to become financially stable that I can be a SAHM when lo finally arrives.
If discussions now don’t reach a conclusion that you are satisfied with, you need to search your soul, see if you really think your man is worth the wait. He may change his mind like my OH. If he doesn’t, waiting until your mid 30s sounds ages….but you can enjoy a great time as a couple and you’ll in a good financial position to have more choices about caring for your LO and working.

I really hope it all works out for you honey, I really know how you are feeling.
M