I caused my own miscarriage

[Kitta]

About two years ago, my IUD rejected (I'd had it in long after it was due to be changed for financial difficulties). I was sexually active, and we were toying with the idea of taking this as a sign that maybe it was time to start on trying, but evenually decided that I needed to have a new IUD put in and wait til I finished my second degree before trying. The doctor did the pregnancy test before placing, but it must have been too soon. The IUD was placed, and I was heartbroken after coming so close to being able to have one but I was coping with it telling myself that in two years I'd finish my degree and I'd get my chance.

About a week after the placement, I was having a rough time. The last time, there was minimal pain and I stopped bleeding within a couple of days. This time it was different. Then it happened. Something ... came out. I was scared but I didn't want to believe what I was seeing. I took it in to my doc in a sample cup I'd swiped from work (I know that's shady, but I was a little at my wits end and it was just stock supply, not exactly expensive equipment). It was confirmed that I had in fact been pregnant and lost the baby because I had the IUD put in.

I just ... I had some mood/behavior issues but eventually thought I was getting over it. I still feel a pain so heavy it feels physical when I see things like baby supplies or baby announcements but I thought it was just because I wanted one so bad. Now I've finally started thinking about it again, and the problem is ... I feel like I killed my baby. It's the truth, it's exactly what happened even though I didn't know at the time it's just ... I can't get over it - the guilt, the shame. Now that we've just decided it's time to try to have one I have been an emotional roller coaster that's been exhausting not just to me but my loved ones.

I just needed to get it out.

 

[redbear]

You cant blame yourself, the dr did a pregnancy test and gave you the ok, you trust them to know. Im really sorry for your loss xx

 

[Kitta]

Thank you ... I never told my extended family or friends, I just told my significant other and his mom who I'm really close to. I didn't think I could take seeing the "I'm so sorry" looks all the time and having to tell the story over and over again ... I think I'm getting over it ... I don't cry every time I pass the baby section at walmart anymore, I and focusing on feeling hopeful about my baby-to-come.

 

[redbear]

Its really tough, and im surprised the dr did so, mine said to fit the coil it is best done the second day of a period and she would only fit it out of then if I where 100% sure there was no chance of pregnancy (i.e no sex since last period) Im in England though.

So it 100% isn't you the dr should have aske if there where a chance anyway. At least you have others to talk to, hugs xxx

 

[Kitta]

The reason they place it at that time is because that's supposed to be when the cervix is most relaxed - it make it a little less painful. She had told up to stop having sex (we had already decided on that one) and made a second appointment to test, so I thought she knew what she was doing to be 100% certain there was no chance there was a baby in there. Now that I am a nurse I know a little more about it and I just wish I had done more research. I feel like I should have known somehow ... there was a person in me, a little tiny person depending on me for life and I can't stop thinking that I let it down big time.

 

[redbear]

You did what most of us would and trust a dr and a pregnancy test, its really not your fault x

 

[Kitta]

Thank you ... I think it helps hearing it from someone else. It's pretty much just been locked in my own head for 2 years. I appreciate the support. I wish I had thought then to come to a forum like this, but at the time I didn't want to hear a hint of anything pregnancy related.

 

[charli_]

im so sorry for your loss! that must have been devistating for you. i would have done the same thing, trusting in doctors is what we are tought to do, dont be too hard on yourself. xxxx

 

[laurat]

Im sorry for your loss! Dont blame yourself its just a horrible situation! Xxx

 

[candymycandy]

Really sorry to hear what your going through. I just wanted to echo what everyone else said, that we trust doctors literally with our lives so everyone would've done the same. It wasn't your fault. Xx

 

[Lolly85x]

Big hugs. Please don't blame yourself. I can only say what the others have said in that you trusted the doctor like you should. This was not your fault.xx

 

[Kitta]

Thank you, I appreciate the support. You guys are awesome!