I can't have children. What options do I have?

thegeek

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Hi all,

I am looking for some advice. I'm 29, male, in the UK.

I desperately want a child, but due to issues beyond my control I can't. I sort of guessed I could never have children over the years. I've had two long term relationships and in both of those I've never used a condom. Neither of my partners have conceived.

But, I was told the news last August. I was diagnosed with Testicle Cancer, and during the treatment processes they wanted to test my fertility to decide whether or not I wanted to store some sperm before they removed the testicle. I was told that I had a sperm count of 0.

I've been with my current partner for 5 years, and we've discussed children over the years but settled on "now is not the right time". But now we both feel the time is right.

I believe adoption is out of the question. I have a criminal record. I was the guy that hacked the British Pregnancy Advisory Service in 2012 and got a lengthy prison sentence for it. The criminal record + the nature of the offence is not going to go in my favour.

There's also the fact I have a history of mental health. Don't worry, it's nothing bad, I've just suffered with anxiety since I was 13, and depression when I was 17. I've self harmed in the past. All this would be on record of course, which I feel would be another negative strike on my part.

So right now I do not know what options I have to father a child.

I have raised my girlfriend's 6 year old boy as my own since he was about 8 months old. I see him as my own child, and he gets treated like my own child. I love him to bits.

Not being able to have a child is a horrible feeling. I think Karma has decided maybe I shouldn't have children of my own. It hurts.

I played snooker with my Dad today and the topic got raised, and he said if he had sperm he'd help me out. But, he's also been though bladder Cancer, and he feels the treatment could have had damaged his ability to produce healthy sperm. He's also potentially facing another bout of Cancer, he's currently waiting for another biopsy on a tumour they found.

It's a real kick in the balls (or ball in my case) to be facing a life without ever fathering a child. Upsetting almost.

I know I've made mistakes in the past, but my ability to raise a child, and the love I could give to my own child can't even be put into words.

I would like to hear from others who have any useful advice to share, and what options I have from here. I think the first port of call is a doctors appointment for us both, but I've heard the waiting lists are so long it can take years.
 
hiya I didn't want to read and run.

first of all please get out of the karma mind set, everyone deserves to be able to have a child if they wish, but sometimes due to unforeseen circumstances it isn't always the natural way.

sperm donation could be a option, if you and your partner agree. but as you said you do need to book in and see a doctor who can offer up to date advice about your options, waiting lists are long yes but the doctor can still give u advice or refer you to someone who can help, this process itself shouldn't take too long. I know the sperm donation the child biologically wouldn't be yours, but in my opinion anyone can provide sperm, it takes something else entirely to be a father.

how does your partner feel about it, has she suggested anything?

I hope u find something that suits you and your partner.

xx
 
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As it says above sperm donation would probably need to be your option. However as your partner already has a child and technically you too then it would all have to be privately funded. You wont get any treatment on the NHS. The dr could be worth a visit incase there is anything else that could be done.
 
Hi Well firstly everyone is driven to have a familiy its everyones basic human instinct and right and so stop counting yourself out whatever has happened in your life, doenst mean you can be a loving father.

There is a actually a large internet community of alternative parenting out there. If for instance sperm cant be harvest direct from your teste and used then you can find a sperm donor related or not and there is no need to persue a medical route to do this. Websites such as pollen tree, spermdonors, tadpole(a bit wild west this one) and others have people accross a broad spectrum including couples looking for a sperm donor and you can reach any kind of agreements with them over the future contact they have with the child and so you can explore this and see how you both feel about it.

Good luck with finding a path for you
x Daisy
 
Do you have any other male relatives that could donate for you? Then you'd share some of the same DNA. Can I ask why you hacked into the British Pregancy Advise Service?! I'm just being nosy so feel free to ignore me but I'm intrigued!
I agree that you'd probably have to pay for your fertility treatment, doesn't seem fair though.
Good luck and let us know how you get on!
 

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