i cant believe the way people treat those who have had loss

[breezee1984]

someone in another foirum actually SAID this to me


"the reason so many people don't know what to say is because no one on here (as far as I know) is a professional therapist. From what I've read, everyone on here has been as supportive as they could be of someone online. You need professional help. I'm not saying your crazy, I'm saying you need someone who can be there for you on a regular basis and help you through the grieving process. I'm not sure what you want people here to say. You need to see a grief couselor.

You say that your life isn't fair, but you also aren't being fair to yourself. I don't think you understand how common miscarriages are. I understand they were babies to you, and that's fine, but really, for all anyone knows, they could have been embryos which had mis-matched chromosomes and so COULDN'T have developed properly anyway.

You've also mentioned your financial situation, so maybe this was a blessing in disguise. Get your money straight, and then work on loving YOURSELF for a while. I agree with whoever said you are putting WAY too much pressure on this future child. Of course having a baby would make you happy, but you have to think about that child's needs first. You don't have to be rich to raise a kid, but you should at least have health insurance and a stable income"




insensitive people piss me off...and the funny thing is, i have the best insurance ever...these people are dumb, although i did sob for an hour after reading this

 

[lauramumof2]

I cant pretend I would know what to say having never suffered the kind of loss you have but I would never have said that.

You wonder whats going through some peoples minds when they type that.

It doesnt matter whether you are the queen of sheba or as poor as a church mouse, a loss is a loss and never for the best.

Be strong.

 

[Princess_Puddles]

I'm sorry to say this but I agree with alot off things that person has said and I don't think they were being insensitive or were meant to come across like it, they were trying to help

 

[breezee1984]

"You say that your life isn't fair, but you also aren't being fair to yourself. I don't think you understand how common miscarriages are. I understand they were babies to you, and that's fine, but really, for all anyone knows, they could have been embryos which had mis-matched chromosomes and so COULDN'T have developed properly anyway.

You've also mentioned your financial situation, so maybe this was a blessing in disguise. Get your money straight, and then work on loving YOURSELF for a while. I agree with whoever said you are putting WAY too much pressure on this future child. Of course having a baby would make you happy, but you have to think about that child's needs first. You don't have to be rich to raise a kid, but you should at least have health insurance and a stable income"


that is the part that pisses me off the most...its ridiculous to ask these things of someone going through the greatest loss they'll ever know

 

[babydust]

i am really sorry you are having a bad time of it and comments like these dont help you much, but one thing i do agree on is that you are not being fair to yourself, it is easy to get eaten up with grief but remember you are the one in control of this you are the only one who can get out of it, i too have been as low as you and it would have been soo easy to stay there but i wouldnt have been doing myself or my family any good, so as hard as it was i picked myself up and got on with it. Im not saying that you should just switch off your feelings and forget the baby you lost but you really need to start thinking about closure of it as you are just eating yourself up.
I hope you see light at the end of the tunnel soon

 

[Steelgoddess]

I must say i DO agree with the first paragraph, im not too sure about the other paragraphs as i feel that is more personal and something that wouldnt be anyones business unless you asked them to comment on it...

I think atm you DO need to see someone, you remind me of me about 6 mths ago, extremly angry and can't understand why things are going wrong...

Im not necessarily a religious person but i do believe signs are sent to us in order take heed and act upon them, please don't take this the wrong way but your miscarriage happened for a reason some as mine and many other women here...

I used to be such a negative person, everytime something happened i wold literally beat myself up and think it was my fault, i hated the world, i was jealous and nasty about it.

After therapy what i realised is I had so many issues to deal with including those that stemed from me having a strong self hate for myself and constantly questioning why bad things happened to me...

I try to turn every negative into a positive, even if it takes me not talking to ppl for a few weeks to work things out and then working them out in my own mind.

You didnt lose your beans because you are a bad person, or you don't deserve them, you lost them because it just wasn't meant to be, if you don't let go of this anger you have then how will your future children be at peace?

Life is not easy we are constantly thrown hurdle after hurdle...

So what is your decision? will you choose to get help and have some hapiness in your life, accept the lose of your babies and know they are still with you, or you can continue to be negative continue to basically rip yourself apart...

You don't want to spiral into a dark place its not a good place to be go and get some help hon

x

 

[breezee1984]

If there was a single grief counciler or theripist who didn't turn me away while i looked and searched for one last week i would be in therapy right now. BUT as i said before each of them tells me I need to deal with it on my own and not come to people like them. one person asked me why i was calling them, that this wasn't something they are paid to do.

 

[Steelgoddess]

Hmmm, then maybe you need to take it to the board? Write a letter and ask them why you cannot get help...

Is it counsellors you are seeking or therapists as therapists deal with everything...

 

[breezee1984]

ive tried both, and both tell me the same thing

 

[katyk]

I do agree you need counselling, as to the rest of the person's comments, the problem with the internets is it's all to easy for people to have a go at people and say things they wouldn't say to your face. A lot of people do it if they're just bored or something that day.

As to the counselling- here are some more support group details. (there are also website details for them on this link http://www.griefwatch.com/support_groups.htm) I don't think a support group would cost much money, and they're designed for the ladies to support each other so they won't tell you to deal with it on your own.
-----------------------
Portland Oregon and surrounding areas:

The Compassionate Friends - Portland Chapter -
The Mission of the Compassionate Friends is to assist families in the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child and to provide information to help others be supportive.

Oregon Infant loss Groups

Brief Encounters (Portland, Oregon) -
Parents of infant Loss, Pregnancy Loss and Early Pregnancy Loss. All Meetings are held at the Peace House (the location of our Grief Watch Office) 2116 NE 18th Ave, Portland. For more information or directions please call (503) 699-8006 or (503) 284-7426. Please visit the Brief Encounters web site for more information and meeting times.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support Group of Eugene (Eugene, Oregon) -

SHARE Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support of Eugene/Springfield is there to serve the bereaved parents who have experienced the death of their unborn or newborn child. Please visit their website for more information and meeting times.

Steps To Healing Support Group (Medford, Oregon) -
Steps To Healing is a support group for parents who have experienced the loss of their unborn or newborn child. The group meets on the first Thursday of every month at 7:30 pm in the Smullin Center on the campus of Rogue Valley Medical Center. For more information about this group please contact Cheryl Lewis at (541) 608-4218.

 

[little*red]

Hey hun
ive found this link that has a few good website links and book recommendations
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregna ... nally.html

Im sorry for your loss, its doesnt make it easier when people say thoughless comments at your most vunerable point, one reason i didnt tell people that i miscarried as i didnt want to make them feel uneasy or for them to make thoughtless comments which would hurt.
I hope you find some peace within yourself soon and things will start to look up for you .

 

[lisa&alex]

If there was a single grief counciler or theripist who didn't turn me away while i looked and searched for one last week i would be in therapy right now. BUT as i said before each of them tells me I need to deal with it on my own and not come to people like them. one person asked me why i was calling them, that this wasn't something they are paid to do.

sorry, but being a qualified counsellor myself, i feel you didnt contact the right people, no qualified counsellor would ever say this to you, its their job to help you to help yourself.. perhaps they wernt qualified in greif counselling, you need ot find someone who is qualified as a greif/berevment counsellor, this may cost you, but at the end of the day.. im my experience you are showing signs of needing help right now.. i notice how frequent you post about your feelings, the ladies on this forum perhaps are not the best people to give you this help as they are giving you advise, they arnt experiencing your feelings and when they put themselves in your shoes (showing you empathy) they are actually showing you sympathy, as they themselves have been there themselves..however, its not worth doing if your not ready.

when you are ready, you will know. your depression may go lower yet, if you arnt thinking about your feelings and well being then perhaps you arnt ready. only you can decide this.

 

[breezee1984]

the councilers here in the states are overpaid to say as little as possible and get the most money our of your time. ive been there and done that and got zero out of it but talking about my self which i could do in private to my husband, instead of a stranger who stares back at me

 

[Princess_Puddles]

I'm sorry but I don't believe you have tried every counceller and all of them can't be bothered!! You can talk to your husband but councillers are easier to talk to esp as they are on the outside looking in and they are trained to help you, where as your Husband isn't, he could be grieving too and that won't help you in any way! I really understand you are hurting right now but why be so negative about everything? all that the ladies have suggested you have something negative to say about it, to me it sounds like you don't want to be helped to get through this, you want everyone to be negative with you. Thats not going to happen, so you need to look forward

 

[breezee1984]

well, at the moment im in a very hard spot with grief and such..maybe you've heard of it?? i don't know
i'm not negative about everythning, and i respect these girls very much, theyve been there with me even when i had turned into a horrible person
at any rate,im not negative about everything. ive just had horrible experinces with councilors and therapists and choose not to even consider them. thats a personal choice

 

[lisa&alex]

well. if you have made your mind up noone can change it i hope you feel more yourself soon. good luck on lifes journey, things are sent to try us, and what doesnt kill us does make us stronger.
i hope this makes you stronger, one day you might look back and realise hard times in your life have made you a stronger better person xx good luck

 

[mandspice]

" I don't think you understand how common miscarriages are. I understand they were babies to you, and that's fine, but really, for all anyone knows, they could have been embryos which had mis-matched chromosomes and so COULDN'T have developed properly anyway. "

I can't believe that statement!!! Anyone who has suffered a loss will know that is the LAST thing you want to hear.

 

[breezee1984]

yeah...thats what really bothers me, and it bothers me even mopre to know those who have suffered loss would say those exact same owrds to me...

 

[xzaviers_mama]

Wow Breezee... I'm going to catch crap for this, because I know there are still ppl defending you... but I'm going to say it anyway.

I am part of another forum, where I started to watch you push everyone away there... and totally shoot down any positive encouragement or support they've tried to give you... and I watched as ppl started to call you out on things you were saying that didn't seem right. Then I found you on here... as well as some other forum... the one where you logged back on as a "counsiler" (which you spelled wrong when you were pretending to be a counselor, and again on this thread... you spelled it the exact same way).

Do you just come on here to stress ppl out?? I don't understand why you would choose a grief and support type forum to try and get attention. All these ppl (myself included) have suffered some kind of loss. Why are you coming in here lashing out at everyone, and shooting down everyone's supportive comments?? I just don't get it. If you really did experience a loss... I really am sorry.

And I do not buy, for one single second that you got that reaction from every single couselor you contacted. I saw a therapist for myself after I lost my son, and I saw a seperate one for my 3yo, so he could deal with the loss of his brother... and I can't imagine several therapists telling you that is something you need to deal with on your own. It just didn't happen.

 

[Urchin]

I have pmed this person.