I am going through hell :-(

[amandapanda]

Firstly I wasn't going to post this because it is a very sensitive subject and I am worried about people judging me, but I am going crazy so here goes....

I got a call from my midwife on Weds to tell me there was a problem with one of the routine blood tests I'd had done at 12 weeks, they couldn't get an accurate result and I need to be retested. When I pressed her about it, she said it was the HIV test - the result has come back as 'equivocal' which means it cannot be read as either a clear positive or a clear negative. I am in pieces and absolutely terrified that I have HIV, it is the worst nightmare of my life!!

The midwife explained that there are a few possibilities that could have caused the result (it happens but isn't that common I think) - either I have something in my blood, maybe another infection or something that has messed the result, there has been an error in the processing by the lab, OR that my body is in the process of converting from HIV negative to HIV positive!! I am so terrified, the stress is killing me....i was retested on Thursday night and have to wait till Tuesday afternoon for the results!!

I've never seriously thought I could have HIV but it only takes 1 time I guess and obviously I have had unprotected sex with my partner cause we are in a long term relationship and neither of us were tested beforehand.

I feel that an HIV diagnosis would bring my whole world crumbling down, I would honestly rather be told that I had cancer as at least there is no stigma to that and you would not have to keep it secret from people and people wouldn't judge you. Haven't even begun to think what it would mean for the baby, just can't even begin to process this! I've done a lot of reading online and have have read examples of how pregnancy has messed with results and lead to equivocal or false positive results...but when I mentioned it to the midwife she just went quiet and certainly didn't agree with it. She even said 'would it help if we dicussed now your options if the result does come back positive?' I just said 'NO!!! I cannot even begin to think about that happening'

This is just a living hell I am going through, when I first had the test I just presumed everything would be fine, but now I am worried sick! The midwife said it really could go either way, the result just came back 'inconclusive' but I can't help thinking 'yes it didn't come back as a definite positive, but it hasn't come back as a definite negative either!!'

Sorry to go on, I am in such turmoil and can't talk to anyone but my partner as no matter what anyone says there is still a MASSIVE stigma to HIV.

 

[Stunned]

lots of hugs! What a terrible thing to be going through! I am sure that no one here will judge you in any way and everyone here will help you through the next few days and weeks. I absolutely cannot imagine how you must be feeling right now

 

[Annie050408]

Hi hon, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are going through this terrible stress and I hope it will all turn out ok for you, your oh and your baby. Xx

 

[Rósa]

I hope everything turns out ok, thinking of you

 

[amyjayne77]

Oh what an awful time for you. Got everything crossed that it turns out ok xx

 

[ippa]

Oh hun, I hope everything turns out ok, I will be thinking about you! But we will all be here for you whatever happens!
XxX

 

[pinkymum]

Hi Hun,
I'm so sorry you're going through this and I really hope it comes back negative! Do they have to do more bloods? I would never judge anyone with HIV! I worked for the Terrance Higgins Trust a few years ago and met people from all different backgrounds who are HIV+
I can't imagine what you are going through but there are people here who care! Let us know what happens! Feel a bit useless as there's not much I can say to make you feel better *hugs*

 

[Sam's Mum]

I can't even imagine how stressful it must be for you. As she said there are several reasons why it may have come back unclear, although I'm sure that doesn't help you to worry any less. If you've been with your partner for a long time the chances of you having caught it from someone else in the past and not getting a clear result by now are unlikely though. Also have you ever given blood, as all samples are tested for HIV and you would have been told. Really hope everything's ok x

 

[xshauna_bazx]

Ohhh hunni, i hope everything works out xxx

 

[lealea85]

The only thing I would have said is u should have both got tested when u first got together as u don't know where they have been prior to being with you.

But on the top of contracting HIV, that's not something I would ever judge someone on. I doubt anyone here would either.
A friend of mine is HIV positive and I still love her like a sister.
I hope you don't have it as it's a tolling disease. But it's better to talk about it than bottle it up.
Fingers crossed that all is well n it was just an error.

*big hug*
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Cherrycola]

So sorry to hear you are going through this hun, I really hope everything works out ok for you!

 

[amandapanda]

Thanks...I've been with my partner 9 months so I thought it would be a bit strange if the virus was just showing up now, I know they say it can take around 3 months....but the midwife said that it is possible that you can sleep with someone over a long period of time and not catch it, and then suddenly your body catches it?? I know for a fact my partner has only slept with one woman other than me, he is very young and innocent and was a virgin up to last year - and it is actually quite hard for a man to catch it from a woman so his chance of having it is quite low (but not impossible).

I have given blood but only up to Sept last year so I know I was clear then....to be honest we have both analysed it all to death and it seems that the chances are in my favour (based on the fact that it just seems too late for me to be suddenly developing it now), I think I'd be very unlucky if I did have it.....but there is always that small doubt and at the moment that is what is eating away at me and will continue to do so until I get my results on Tuesday

 

[Me, My Girls & I]

oh my gosh hun, i cant even begin to imagine what you're going thru! i hope everything comes back ok on tuesday! whatever happens, we'll all be here for you no matter what xxx

 

[lealea85]

The chances of a man catching it from a woman aren't low.
If she was sexually active long before she met him n they had unprotected sex he could still catch it.
Ur body is complex n it does things we can't always explain.
But let's look at in a brighter light n hope that it's just an error on biomedical science labs part.
It happens alot. Sadly, u never get an apology.

 

[misscrazycooki]

I am sorry hun, I hope you get some good news. I know how you feel though at one point I was scared when I left my last partner as I'm sure he gave me what I ended up getting treated for :'( Wasn't serious but I felt betrayed as I had always got tested with every partner and the men would never bother as they were too embarrassed......

 

[lea554]

Oh hun, am sure you will be fine. Good luck for the results next week xxxx

 

[Sam's Mum]

It does sound very unlikely that you do have it if you gae blood just over a year ago and he's only had sex -protected? - with one other person. I think it's far more likely that here's been contamination in the lab or something else is making the results inconclusive x

 

[mumofmany]

oh hun i feel for you i really do, I hope its just lab error, but you seem to be taking it all on yourself that if you do have it then it is from you just because your partner only slept with 1 person before you, it could have been from that 1 girl, also it might not have been through sex that the person someone catches it from they could have got it a different way very rare i know ie blood transfusion drug etc. I rememebr when i was pregnant with my 3rd child and they tested me for HIV i hadn't wanted the test i didn't know they did it, selfish reason my ex partner ended up on herion and i was so scared that i may have got it from him as he was on it for 2 years before i even knew and i just didn't want to know i was so scared waiting for the results. I got pregnant the 1st night with my now hubby and it never even crossed my mind that if i had it, it could have been from him even though he had slept with quite a few women. neither of us had been tested before. i rememeber being so relieved when i got the results back, i really hope that you get same results. I know its not the same but was very scared, also not same again but i have had urine tests for chlamidyia come back inconclusive with my 4th baby and i flipped on my husband because i was clear all the other times tested in previous pregnancy and i hadn't slept with anyone else we had loads of rows about it and he swore that he hadn't then after a repeat test results came back negative. I had alot of apologies to make, noone made any to me though.

 

[Kandle]

Hey, Amanda. I have only just seen your post and wanted to send you loads of positive thoughts.xx

 

[karenandbump]

Oh hon, I can't even imagine how scary this must be but I have everything crossed for u for a clear result on Tues x x x