Husband cold feet

[Jayneyjl0001]

Hi all, I have been with my husband for a long time and we married earlier this year. I have consulted my GP and decided to come off the pill after being on it for 12 years. I discussed this with my husband and well...it wasn't what I was expecting. He is happy to use condoms but doesn't want to try for a child. Not yet? Not ever? I'm not sure. In the past we have talked about having a child and although he did the usual blokey thing and laughed it off, he never said that he didn't want them...and he could tell I did. I am worried - he is saying things about the world not needing any more children, about it being selfish and about him worrying that he would be a poor father or wouldn't love the child. I have never heard this from him before and was not expecting it. He is very very hard on himself and lacks self-respect. However I always thought he'd be the best dad. He is great with his nieces and nephews. He knows how much I love children, surely he would have said something earlier if he really meant it.

I am happy to wait a bit but I don't know if I could never have a child, much as I love my husband.

Have any of your partners had cold feet or serious self- doubts before? Is it just a wobbly moment?

 

[luckylucky]

Hi Janey Im new here and WTC

Just wanted to say im so sorry your partner reacted that way and i bet it was a hell of a shock. He should have been honest with you from the start of your relationship or at least before you married. No man should ever expect a woman to be childless to fit their lifesyle. And he may never want kids but he should have been honest. After all its not your fault your just wanting to do whats natural.
On the other hand of things as in his low self esteam you will never fully know unless you talk and get it out of him. Ask him why he feels the way he does and why he feels he wouldnt be a good father if thats the case.
Maybe its just a crossfire of communication and the situation isnt as really as bad as it seems , he could want certain things sorted (finances,homelife etc) sorted before hand.

The list could go on and on but he really needs to open up to you so you can understand why he feels this.

Again I can imagine the news came as a great blow to you, but not all is lost yet theres still time just work on getting to know each others future needs and im sure everything will fall in to place. HUGS ***

 

[Jayneyjl0001]

Thanks for your kind words.

He's always suffered from low self-esteem and I have known about this for some time - we discuss it and I do my best to help him realize how great he is. When I asked him if what he was saying that he didn't want kids, he said no...just that he was worried about it and that he didn't feel it was really important in his life - he can live without having them.

He also kept saying that I deserve to be happy - but I don;t feel right about him doing it just for me. Even though I suppose many men have children because their partners really want it and end up loving their kids to bits.

Your right I know a lot of it is down to him feeling that he wished he had a better job, and that he wished he earned more - but he actually has a decent job and earns a decent wage.

Ultimately I am turning 30 in a month and have a history of Downs Symdrome in my family so I can't wait forever.

 

[luckylucky]

yes well your getting there just abit more communication will get you there .I can relate in a way.

My partner would have a baby tomorrow if i said, he wanted one two year ago but i just wasnt ready.

Was lots of underlying this for me, first i didnt want a baby out of wedlock (im just old fashioned)
Also my mam has twins when i was 16 so ive been a 2nd mother to them so i wanst in a rush to have babies whilst all my friends were , spent lots of time with babys and wanted my time.
amongst that my mother ( although she is a good mum) never wanted kids and all us 3 wernt planned (although shed never change us) she was 4 months when she found out with me and 5 and a half months with twins. So she never really got the chance to make a decision.

Even tho she was 26 i still think she think shes missed out an awful lot as she didnt have a great child hood but thats a different story. Where it has effected me , having babys has always been anegative thing "they ruin ya life" "labour horror storys" etc etc .
So think when she finds out im gona be trying shell prob have kittens haha.
Shes not a bad mam but shes always had a negitive outlook to motherhood which in turn has always frightened me especially child birth so i would always shy away form and "having a baby " convo even tho deep down i wanted kids.

Also im not particularly blooming in my career not at a place where i would have liked to be at age 27 - 28 soon.
So that made me doubt if i had anything to give a baby.
But after opening up to my partner i realise we have everything to give and everything to look forward to need to let go of my mams horror storys , i have friend that have has 2 and 3 babys and would have another in a heart beat. Its what woman do the world over everyday. And as you say im aproaching my 30s in few year and my mam and dad arnt getting any younger the time is right for me now (well after wedding lol)

 

[Jayneyjl0001]

You sounds like you've thought about it all really carefully. I am sure you and your husband to be will be brilliant parents.

 

[winnie89]

i feel for you hun my hubby was just the same we'd literally been 3 months when i fell pregnant and he was very adamant when we got married he wanted to wait a year to save and be in a better position financially before we even started ttc. but i was suspected of having PCOS (never been regular since i started my periods age 13) and i was due to have a scan to diagnose whether or not i had it, literally 2 days before i found out i was pregnant. my hubby doubted he'd be a good dad and he has had his moments where he's lost interest and i've had to nag him to help but harry adores his daddy ad i could tell from the moment mark held harry he loved him immensely, no one can ever be fully ready to have kids you just have to go with flow and accept what life deals you. tell him how you feel xxx

 

[scebble]

My husband and I have been married a couple of years now and agreed a year ago that we would start trying this December. He has always been much more lukewarm about the whole idea than I am but I tend to think it is just him being blokey (he is very unsentimental!) He is coming round to the idea but is still much less enthusiastic than me but I think men don't feel the same way about it as they don't seem to get the whole broodiness thing that we get! It sounds like your OH is just feeling low on confidence but if you say he is good with his nieces and nephews, imagine how he would be with his own children! I think that having your own probably gives you confidence too!