How do you do it...

[Sugarpop]

I’ve been off the pill now for 7years I think. I don’t think it ever gets any easier. I’ve just come to accept that it is what it is and it will be what it will be. Nothing I do seems to impact anything so I don’t think I can worry about it anymore.

Don’t get me wrong I often have the days of why not me going on. But then again, nothing I do can change it. I’m here for the long haul and I suppose I just accept it.

 

[snowbee]

Millie are you unexplained? Sorry I can't remember.

It is truely a shit thing to go through. I'm sorry that anyone has to go through infertility, it is the hardest and loneliest time. I have no idea how I didn't go insane but I certainly got bitter and hated who I was becoming. I guess I got a time consuming hobby to keep me going and I'm not a quitter, I find it too hard to walk away when there is that tiny glimmer of hope from mcs that it might just happen.

 

[MoominGirl]

I think it's the loneliness and isolation that I often find most difficult. I was never prepared for that. I think because it's such a taboo subject, no one understands unless they're unlucky enough to have been there themselves. I don't like talking about it. I tried opening up a little more but I just found it draining having to explain how a well meaning comment was actually extremely unhelpful. I've just gone back to not talking about it. I'm not saying it's the right thing to do but it feels like the lesser of two evils.

I don't like the person I'm becoming either. I feel like it's consuming me and although on the outside I probably seem the same, I feel like I've lost my sparkle. I'd really like to get that back but I can't see that happening until we come out the other side of this, even if it's a bad outcome in the end.

We're preparing to attempt IVF next year so I know it's going to get worse before it gets better for us

 

[Sugarpop]

I have to say something I find difficult is how easy some people fall pregnant and how some people just don't realise how lucky they are. People taking it for granted drives me nuts and I constantly have to bite my tongue.

 

[xMillie]

Millie are you unexplained? Sorry I can't remember.

It is truely a shit thing to go through. I'm sorry that anyone has to go through infertility, it is the hardest and loneliest time. I have no idea how I didn't go insane but I certainly got bitter and hated who I was becoming. I guess I got a time consuming hobby to keep me going and I'm not a quitter, I find it too hard to walk away when there is that tiny glimmer of hope from mcs that it might just happen.

Yes unexplained
Everything on paper is fine, only thing I've been told is I have a tilted uterus but it shouldn't make a difference. Hubbys SAs have always been perfect, so no problems with him either.

I've started finding it easier on me to stay away from here.

 

[xMillie]

I have to say something I find difficult is how easy some people fall pregnant and how some people just don't realise how lucky they are. People taking it for granted drives me nuts and I constantly have to bite my tongue.

It's so true

Hurts when I hear about mothers or fathers who don't want anything to do with their children.
I don't get it at all.

 

[MoominGirl]

I have to say something I find difficult is how easy some people fall pregnant and how some people just don't realise how lucky they are. People taking it for granted drives me nuts and I constantly have to bite my tongue.

It's so true

Hurts when I hear about mothers or fathers who don't want anything to do with their children.
I don't get it at all.

People are just so ignorant to how hard and painful this is for some people. They don't mean any harm but it doesn't make me any more forgiving!!

It has been particularly tough for me lately. I feel like I've reached a new low. I've now had every test and procedure available to me, each time with the "I'm sure once this is done, you'll fall naturally" and of course not a damn thing!! I just have no faith in this happening anymore. I always said I would only do IVF if I felt we'd exhausted all other options so I guess that's something but I just feel physically and emotionally drained by it all.

OH did another sperm sample this week. He's had low motility in the past, most recent sample was normal but it's still the only other possible issue we've got. I'm trying to hang on to the idea that IVF might be a good approach to a male factor problem. I just don't know anymore. Will see what the latest results say I guess.

 

[phonixgirl]

Millie, I'm sorry I didn't see your message earlier xx I don't come on here as much xx

Some days I tell myself it will happen, other days I try to get used to the fact it never will. It's shit and that the hard truth. Every pregnancy announcement hurts and I find it hard to see photos of babies.

I sound like a complete bitch. I block everyone on FB who has a baby or who I think will have a baby. It helps me mentally. What doesn't help is the pregnant girl in the office saying to everyone very loudly how unplanned this baby was and it took a lot of getting used to. What also doesn't help is a relative being a struggling single mum with two under 4s then getting pregnant again and telling us how she's going to have an abortion. :-/

I have my ok days and I have my low days. I think letrozole has made my moods worse lol. I've just got my results back from the dr for Serum too and they're all normal. DH is 40 this month and this is not how we imagined life.

Sorry, that wasn't much life but I'm with you girl xxx

 

[Mar_15]

Hey Millie! We've been trying for 4 years now. I'm 30 and OH is 35. I've been through some very low times but generally in the last 6 months I've felt better about it all. Like Sugarpop, I feel like I can't influence the outcome really and have come to accept it.

I do often think now about the things I've accomplished in the last 4 years which would have been much more difficult with children. I have a much better job, cats, a house, been to a lot of wild parties. Our relationship is also much stronger, we understand each other better and we are kinder to each other. Maybe with the pressures of children we wouldn't have got to that.

You can't force yourself to feel better, any more than you can "just relax and let it happen". I've never been pregnant, but I imagine getting pregnant and miscarrying must feel awful. My advice is to let yourself wallow and feel awful and accept that infertility feels really shitty. But know that one day soon you will probably feel better about it all, you'll find your own way of coping, and that might help make you happier in other areas of your life too. Don't think of it as years wasted.

 

[xMillie]

Millie, I'm sorry I didn't see your message earlier xx I don't come on here as much xx

Some days I tell myself it will happen, other days I try to get used to the fact it never will. It's shit and that the hard truth. Every pregnancy announcement hurts and I find it hard to see photos of babies.

I sound like a complete bitch. I block everyone on FB who has a baby or who I think will have a baby. It helps me mentally. What doesn't help is the pregnant girl in the office saying to everyone very loudly how unplanned this baby was and it took a lot of getting used to. What also doesn't help is a relative being a struggling single mum with two under 4s then getting pregnant again and telling us how she's going to have an abortion. :-/

I have my ok days and I have my low days. I think letrozole has made my moods worse lol. I've just got my results back from the dr for Serum too and they're all normal. DH is 40 this month and this is not how we imagined life.

Sorry, that wasn't much life but I'm with you girl xxx

I block those posts from showing up on Facebook, I tried removing a friend once but she just re-added me and asked what happened lol. Of course I said I had no clue.

I feel like a total bitch at times. Green with envy. I'd love to feel happy and genuinely excited for anyone that announces their pregnant but it's hard..

Stinks when it's in the family too. My older brother doesn't see his kids anymore because he's selfish and didn't want to pay their mother any money towards their care. I don't know how anyone can be that selfish?

I've always wanted a test somewhere to find something and even after antibiotics from serum I'm not feeling confident they will have helped xx

 

[xMillie]

Hey Millie! We've been trying for 4 years now. I'm 30 and OH is 35. I've been through some very low times but generally in the last 6 months I've felt better about it all. Like Sugarpop, I feel like I can't influence the outcome really and have come to accept it.

I do often think now about the things I've accomplished in the last 4 years which would have been much more difficult with children. I have a much better job, cats, a house, been to a lot of wild parties. Our relationship is also much stronger, we understand each other better and we are kinder to each other. Maybe with the pressures of children we wouldn't have got to that.

You can't force yourself to feel better, any more than you can "just relax and let it happen". I've never been pregnant, but I imagine getting pregnant and miscarrying must feel awful. My advice is to let yourself wallow and feel awful and accept that infertility feels really shitty. But know that one day soon you will probably feel better about it all, you'll find your own way of coping, and that might help make you happier in other areas of your life too. Don't think of it as years wasted.

It's horrible how many of us go through this. The waiting room at my ivf clinic was packed the other week and it just made me feel so sad that ever couple in that room could not get pregnant and had to be there.

Every time that I try and accept it crazy ideas run through my head.
Like this month I had done so well til now. I had stopped obsessing about any little symptoms, ignored my Ovia app and I haven't even done a single opk. But I had made a note when af was due.. I saw it on my calendar so now I know I'm 7 or 8 days away from af.
Last night after dtd I had some pink spotting which is still there. It's probably nothing but part of me keeps saying what if..

 

[1sttimer]

Hi Millie,

I just wanted to say I am totally with you on your feelings. The 'Think positive' tribe of pregnant-as-quick-as-look-at-you's are just irritating and make you feel highly inadequate and bitter. I get it, I'm in year 4 now, I'm 34, 2 MC's down, one early, one late and utterly devastating. It was my due date on Monday this week and there are just too many reminders. I just wanted to ask one thing though...as you are still so young my lovely, and considered 'unexplained' have you thought about seeing someone outside the NHS/private profession who can do additional tests? I was considered 'unexplained' even AFTER my MC at 4 months. They did all sorts of thrombophilia tests, genetics etc and said nope all good, carry on. I have since however, started seeing a holistic fertility specialist who has had my blood tested for more indepth versions of the issues than the NHS or fertility clinics ever go into. This is thyroid testing at a higher level, and genetic testing at a higher level - the bottom line is that the testing done in this country that you don't pay for only just scratches the surface. I have since found out I have the heterozygous form of MTFHR - the good news is this is highly treatable. I am on a very strict diet, and take mountains of very specific supplements BUT I do now feel that I have a reason and can continue naturally with iVF as another back up option. Am I right in thinking you dealt with Serum? Did that throw anything up - I would highly recommend also reading the book 'Is your body baby friendly' by Dr Beer. His thoughts are that nothing is truly 'unexplained' there is always a reason...fortunately you have time on your side so don't despair my lovely. Maybe look into these if you haven't already..because when the penny drops and finally get a little bit of reasoning it gives you a boost and feels a little more empowering to feel like you are getting some control on something that may be simple to fix! Sure, its frustrating not to have known all this time, but at least it may present a better future? xx (I hope this helps!) xx

 

[xMillie]

Thanks for posting 1sttimer, I hope you have some success soon xx

Yes, I sent away a sample for serum to test for hidden infections and it did bring back a few things which both me and hubby had a months worth of antibiotics in October to treat us.

Other than that everything has been through the NHS, part of me would like to go private and keep digging for help and answers but part of me wants to give up


I will have a look for that book thanks xx

 

[phonixgirl]

ah Millie, I could have written that xx

 

[xMillie]

I feel like there's only so much poking, prodding and getting my hopes up that I can take

It's so hard..

 

[MoominGirl]

Oh Millie, my heart goes out to you. I really hate the term 'unexplained'. What it really means is that medical science doesn't know the answer or the NHS won't pay to find out

It's so hard knowing when you've had enough as part of you will always wonder if they just missed something. I really hope your fet goes well and that none of this will matter.

 

[xMillie]

I really hope so too!

What I really want more than anything is it to work this cycle so I don't have to go through it all again, I just want a natural pregnancy

But I should ovulate on Christmas Day and we're away the couple of days before it so not sure how we can dtd

 

[MoominGirl]

I'm trying to hang on to the hope of a natural pregnancy but I just can't see it happening any more. I haven't even come close to even possibly being pregnant in the 3 years I've been off the pill. I've had every test and procedure available to me on the NHS and still nothing so I've come to accept the reality. At the moment, I think I'm ok with that. I know when it's our last cycle before IVF it will be tough so I feel for you. It's tough when you know that the timing isn't great for you either