How do you cope afterwards?

[LuW]

I've had 4 months of bickering and back biting since the miscarriage.

He won't talk about it, gets mad when I'm upset or avoid things ( like a family members christening where the parents think its hilarious to tell everyone how they wanted to abort but found out they were pregnant too late).

I'm not allowed to talk about planning to try again and he's pretty much pestering for sex but I just can't bring myself to.

I don't know what to do it just feels like we're drifting apart.

 

[Holsf]

Be honest with him tell him exactly how you feel and what it is doing to you?maybe he will be more supportive. Maybe he doesn't understand as it was your body it happened to? Iv had 3 early losses my partner is supportive but doesn't really talk about it as he doesn't know what to say I think, I choose not to talk to him about it as I feel he wouldn't quite understand the feeling of the hurt I feel but I know he is there for me when I have tears and need comforting. Xx

 

[kaz1983]

Honesty is best but its gard ive bn there cos ur emotions r all over the place think we both carried on in front of each other but wen we were alone or wi friends we wud b honest an open it took us 6 months to cry at the same time it never goes away u learn to cope in ur own way - sorry but id have slapped those friends for saying something like that its not nice to say that i deleted folk off fb just for being pregnant an have recently deleted one for posting the "i cant believe im expecting thing" on fb wen theyre actually talking about expecting xmas xx

 

[lisa1985]

Talk to him, tell him exactly how you are feeling.
I nearly broke up with my fiance a few months after my miscarriage in 2013 as I wanted to try again and he didn't and it really put a strain on our relationship. I then got diagnosed with PCOS and we struggled to conceive, was a really stressful time.
Stay strong xx

 

[PrincessPeanut]

My husband was very similar after our miscarriage. I lasted a week before having it out with him saying I felt alone and unsupported. We eventually got to talk and agreed on things and what support each other needed. I cried a lot, he's distanced himself from it all. It's just his way of coping but we've learnt how to help each other in different ways.

Key is to be honest and open with each other and listen to how you both feel but at a time when you're not angry or upset with each other.


PP xXx

 

[caseysmummy11]

I think men cope differently with it. My oh cried alot on the beginning after it happened. I was in a state of shock and was quite traumatised for a while. Then he bottled up and I cried for a long time and now 6 months on we can talk about it, he gets upset to mention it but will listen when I need to. Time is the biggest healer for us. We've had our rough patches with it all but it's got better with time. But like others have said you need to express how your feeling about it. Loss can be a very lonely place at times as everyone's experience is different and he is the only person that knows what your personally going through. I do think they try to be strong for us even if they're hurting inside they don't want to show it xxxx

 

[LuW]

That's the issue we have a screaming match at each other then both break down and talk but nothing is said then again until it's too much for one of us. He's the only person I have to talk to as my mum didn't know and the friend that did was politely asked by G to give me some space when it happened only for her to turn up desperately needing childcare a couple of days later ( then found out it was to take her dads cat to the vet.....)

I don't think I've even got over the way we were treated at the hospital either and I do kind of have a hang up that I needed him to throw his weight around to stop us being a circus act but he didnt, he just kept telling me to calm down they'd get us someplace private soon.

 

[Branwen]

I'm so sorry for your loss and it must be so hard not having anyone to talk to about it!

Everyone deals with emotions differently and I guess it is really hard when yo uboth have different ways in trying to cope with it. All I can say is try to do a little excerciece (this comes straight out of my mom and dads relationship therapy, so who knows...)
We'd call it the Buda. Literally both sit down oppisite eachother on the floor with legs crossed, straight back and take it in turns of like 5-10 minutes. First you'd be Buda. All you then do is listen and respond, but never judge! So he can say anything and all you have to do is listen (the hard part is responding without judging, just ask, how does it make you feel, or share the feelings.) Then after a while swap positions so you get to talk about all your feelings and he has to listen. This way he might be more likely to open up a bit and he gets to hear how you feel withouth you both ending up in a fight. If anyone starts to get angry, really, as the buda just tell them I feel your anger or something simple and calm like that and it really calms them down to ensure it stays a calm environment.
It really looks liek you both need to just get things out of your system eventually, so hope that this might help you, otherwise, there is nothing wrong with seking professional help (but I guess before you convince him of that there will be more fights, so hope something small like this might get him over the first hurdle).

Sorry about your friend as well, would really hope she'd understand to give you space or at least not make you feel worse by (I know she would never mean it this way) but asking you to babysit only brings back all the feeling, like I could have had one soon... I had the same after my mc, was realistic about it, but just seeing other couples with their bumps and smily faces just hurt me. If she is a cclose friend you like to share things with, maybe jsut explain how it makes you feel as well? Did she ever have a mc? or at least as she as been pregnant before she might understand a bit how it would have made her feel if she would have lost it?

Really hope you get through this and things will get better soon for you!

 

[BunnyN]

Like others I'd say be honest. Try not to start with a shouting match though. Wait until you are both in a calm mood and say you need to talk to him. Explain you are not coping well and need to explain how you are feeling. You know that he copes in a different way but you are worried that not talking is putting distance in your relationship and you dont want that. Try not to start off with what he has done wrong but be honest about your feelings and the support you need. When you do explain things he has done that hurt you to avoid making him defensive, when possible, say that you know its not his fault or that you know it is just because he copes in a different way but it made you sad/hurt etc.

 

[YasminLNewitt]

Be truthful hun, explain everything. Similar thing happened with my relationship after my MC. To this day he doesn't talk about it. But I have assumed that his way of coping with it.
Men are strange beings haha but just make sure hes aware of your feelings, everyone shows emotion differently.
lots of love and hugs xxxxxxx

 

[LuW]

Mum was doing some SERIOUS hinting today that she wants to be a gran. Kinda put a downer on a really lovely and productive day.

Top that off with SOMEONE was meant to be home over an hour ago and I'm still no the wiser as to why/where he is. I know he doesn't know I really could have done with him home on time today - as much as I wish he was - he's not a mind reader!

Trying deep breaths and to not be too mad/upset when he does finally show his face.

 

[BunnyN]

When he comes in the door instead of being mad maybe try giving him a hug and saying you had such a rotten day and you missed him. That way it opens things up to talking without making him defensive before you start?

 

[Branwen]

Sounds like my mum... I think when I told her about the mc she took it worse then me!!! My mum never had a mc so she just assumed all would be well so guess she really doesn;t know how it feels and what are the right things to do. I know it is hard to hear anything to do with babystuff now, but just try to think f the positive. At least your mom is happy for you to be trying and really hopes it will work out for you soon.

As for your OH, like bunny said, think that might help. As long as you say thing from your perspective, like 'I feel like... and I think..., It makes me feel' etc, because it is a subjective thing you say that is just the way you feel, no one can say you are wrong and start an argument over it. Whilst if you say 'You should have been home earlier or you don't want to be with me but reather stay at work' you blame the way you feel on someone elses action and then there will be argument. It is such a fine line! I almost never get it right, lol... knowing what to say and doing it are two completely different things.

Hope you have a better day today!

 

[LuW]

I fell asleep by the time he came home last night. Feel like we've hit a bit of a wall now though. I want to get over it all, I want to be the person I was before and I know that's what he wants, but it's just not possible and I don't have a clue how to get that across to him or how to even move on from that myself to be honest!