Here we go again..(sperm donation)

[xSebbiesMumx]

I really don't know where else to turn! I feel so threatened and alone I just don't know what to do with myself!

My partner of 4 years has been friends with his friends (who are lesbians) for well over 8 years, he was even friends with them before he met me!

Nearly 3 years ago they asked my fiancé if he'd mind donating his sperm so they could have a baby, bearing in mind the lesbian in question now has a different partner to the one she was originally with, they didn't ask if I minded at the time but when they did there was beer involved and all their friends were there so if I said no I would of been made to look like the witch really! I had just suffered my second chemical pregnancy so I was in a dark place, looking back it all felt so pressurised so in the end I reluctantly agreed! Those were the hardest 9 months of my life, I was filled with so many vengeful, horrible emotions I prayed that they wouldn't get pregnant and I hated them for everything! I'm still weary of them but not as bad I guess, my only coping mechanism was realising I was pregnant with my son so that sort of dulled the emotional pain slightly..

Recently they were talking to my partner and now she's with her new partner they want another baby, they told him to do it in secret so I had no idea he'd done it, his words were I'd do it in a heart beat if I wasn't with danii but that makes it difficult! If he ever did it behind my back I wouldn't stay with him, I'd end it there and then! And then he said we should talk about it? What is there to talk about? The answer is no!!! I just want to scream it at them and tell them to just get out of our lives and leave us the f**k alone! I lost a baby in January and this is just playing on my mind! He thinks it's okay to impregnate his friends but not me, when I say I want another baby all I get is 'not yet' or 'one day' he might as well just impregnate the whole of Nottinghamshire while he's at it!!

All because of this my pregnancy didn't feel as special as it should, because technically it wasn't his first child, theirs was!!

Please tell me I'm not over reacting and think he should decline and tell them to find someone else who doesn't have a relationship to complicate!! I don't want my son to have siblings all over the place!

I really feel like I'm going to have some sort of breakdown!

 

[northerngirl]

I think I would feel just the same as you so I personally don't think you're overreacting! As long as your partner knows how strongly you feel about it I'm sure he would never do it behind your back, if you trust him and let him know how upset it would make you then hopefully you can just forget about it xox

 

[mylullaby]

This isn't about how either of you feel about sperm donation. It's about the fact that you aren't comfortable with the idea of him donating and yet, for whatever reason, he either doesn't realise how against this you are or he feels more strongly about his friend's feelings than he does about yours.

As a couple/family unit, you should be on the same page with all the important stuff and if you're not, you should be working out what's going to happen together as a team - you two against the world - none of this friends sneaking around and whispering about something as huge as this behind your back business. Shame on them.

Have you talked about how you felt pressured into agreeing last time because of the way they asked in front of a big group of friends? Does he know how low/vulnerable you were at the time due to your chemical pregnancy? How would he feel if, for example, you agreed to carry a gay couple's baby without making sure he was ok with it first? Not quite the same thing, admittedly, but a similar principle.

 

[xSebbiesMumx]

Thanks for the reply ladies!

He knows exactly how much this angers me and upsets me! The subject has raised it's ugly head one too many times in our relationship, it got to one point where everytime we'd talk about it I'd end up in tears over it :/ and then when he eventually did tell the lesbian and her ex that i wasn't going to let him do it, they made me out to be the bad guy in all of this! Saying stuff like I'd upset her girlfriend and that she'll never be pregnant, well boohoo! Obviously they had no consideration to my feelings! And he wonders why I refuse to go anywhere with them because of all of this, and even more so now their wanting to do it again!! I'm just so fed up of being made to look like the bad guy everytime I say no!! But this time I'm standing my ground and got taking anymore of their emotional black mail shite!!

 

[Kiagirl]

How awful! They can obviously go to a sperm bank if they want to have a baby together. How heartless are they? Losing babies/ trying to conceive is hard enough, never mind when someone else gets pregnant that you know. Can't imagine what it's like when it's your OH baby.

Is it an all out no for you? Or would you be happy once your family is complete? I would tell then that you don't want your OH giving away his best men until you have your next baby. That will then put the onus on him to either agree to a second or that he doesn't want another. If he says he doesn't want another then why would he even think about donating. Do his friends know you want to try for a second? X

 

[Durhamchance]

I can't believe you're going through this again! I had to check the date you posted this as I was taken back two years I remember when they were first putting you under pressure- all to do with them wanting their babies to be half siblings?

They should consider themselves bloody lucky to have the one child from your husbands sperm, asking again is completely taking the mick! Why can't they get an anonymous donor and leave your marriage out of it? I feel for your son too xxx

 

[mylullaby]

I can't believe you're going through this again! I had to check the date you posted this as I was taken back two years I remember when they were first putting you under pressure- all to do with them wanting their babies to be half siblings?

They should consider themselves bloody lucky to have the one child from your husbands sperm, asking again is completely taking the mick! Why can't they get an anonymous donor and leave your marriage out of it? I feel for your son too xxx

That's shocking! Sperm donation is not about half-siblings. No wonder it's made you feel uneasy honey, there's too much attachment going on here. Sounds like it goes far beyond simply wanting his sperm - couples who use donated sperm want a baby/their own family. I really don't think half-siblings should come into it.

 

[xSebbiesMumx]

How awful! They can obviously go to a sperm bank if they want to have a baby together. How heartless are they? Losing babies/ trying to conceive is hard enough, never mind when someone else gets pregnant that you know. Can't imagine what it's like when it's your OH baby.

Is it an all out no for you? Or would you be happy once your family is complete? I would tell then that you don't want your OH giving away his best men until you have your next baby. That will then put the onus on him to either agree to a second or that he doesn't want another. If he says he doesn't want another then why would he even think about donating. Do his friends know you want to try for a second? X

I think I was more than generous when i allowed it the first time, it's definitely a flat out no and I'm not budging! I really don't care if I start world war 3! I just think that they shouldn't keep pestering us for sperm, go to the bank and get some like the rest of them do! I think that once the person you want to donate has children and a girlfriend of their own then they should no longer interfere, and move on to someone else that doesn't have those things to complicate!! They knew about everything, my miscarriages, me wanting another baby and now it fela like their rubbing it in my face! I'm seething!!

 

[Pumpkin9]

Don't quite know how to put this into words. But basically I really feel for you. I bloody furious reading this - I totally understand where you are coming from and cannot believe people are trying to sandwich themselves into your marriage by asking this again!

My husband when he was at Uni was thinking of donating sperm for scientific research (which he would be paid for) along with his friends. I refused to let him do it as I didn't trust that the system wouldn't mess up and I wanted our first child to be his first child.

Hugs to you honey and good on you for sticking to your guns.

 

[Lyllian]

I cant believe these 'friends'. Sorry but why would you even ask someone who was in a relationship never mind someone who has a child with their OH!!! For the good of his son he should have refused outright and not even indicated he wohud consider this. How confusing for your little boy! I was raging for you before i even got half way down and realised he had done this previously for them!! As others have said, its what sperm banks are for. Asking someone you know has a whole raft of potential problems. Do not give in, you are not the bad person and frankly id theyre making u out to be he needs to consider his friendship with them. No way in hell i would ever let my hubby consider this and i'd have very strong words for anyone who dared to even suggest it! Xx