Hello plus dealing with pregnant friends and stupid things people say!

[Arya]

Hi lovely ladies!

I haven’t been on here in aaaaaaages and first time in this part of the forum. I got too obsessed first time but I’m really struggling at the moment so feeling the need for your awesome support.

About me...We’ve been TTC just over 2 years, ‘unexplained infertility’ - all tests so far have come back clear/good. I’m currently waiting on an HSG test which I was supposed to get this week but they have a backlog so just found out it’ll be November at the earliest. This makes me sad today. I’ll be 35 soon and not looking forward to another birthday with no baby. I really want to know if my tubes are ok.

Friends... I’m sure many of you are in a similar position where friends are mostly pregnant or had their babies. Out of mine I was first to start trying, 3 friends started trying after I’d been trying a year because they saw how long it was taking me and they got pregnant straight away. Others are pregnant/had babies without knowing we’re trying.

Does anyone else really struggle with friends in this situation? How do you deal with them? I’ve had to distance myself from 2 already as it’s just too painful. 1 friend is so insensitive with the things she used to say to me - like how she must be more healthy than me and that I need to try doggy style as that’s how she got pregnant. Other stuff she’d say like in great detail how amazing the baby felt in her tummy and the detail of her nursery. I stupidly didn’t let her see how upsetting it was for me (she should have known, I confided in her enough times before she started TTC) and would sob to DH when I got home.

I don’t tend to tell many people but the people I have told have said some strange things to me...

One lady (who I don’t know really well but we used to go to a class together and she’s a nurse so I thought I’d tell her why I was cutting down and de-stressing my life). I told her we’d been trying 2 years and might be starting IVF, she said to me ‘don’t rush into having a baby, spend some quality time with your husband for a few years first, it’s not easy bringing up a child’. I know people don’t know what to say and what they say is usually about them not me, but... I’m 34, I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and I don’t care how hard it’s going to be!!

Does anyone have any stupid things people have said to them that they’d like to share? Or any tips on what to say to people?

Xx

 

[Peony1]

Hi,

I’ve also been ttc for 2 years and we are unexplained too. I’ve had a lot of insensitive things said to me. I had a whole evening of my auntie talking about me having babies (I’m not exaggerating, it was ridiculous how much she kept bringing it up). I was shrugging it off every time and she said ‘you need to start trying soon, you’re getting on a bit’..... I was 31 when she said this!! and it was at the 1 year mark of trying so I was feeling sensitive about it all anyway.

I constantly, constantly get asked when I’m going to have children. My go to answer is ‘we know when we want to start trying’. That hopefully tells people that it’s none of their business without actually saying those words

I have found (generally) that telling people that we’ve been trying for 2 years now has helped as it means people are more understanding when I’m having a low day and it means they stop asking. It really does baffle me how many people think it’s acceptable to ask about it. I have never ever asked anyone in case they are struggling (plus it’s none of my business), yet other people think it’s fine to ask me!

Good luck with your HSG test and fingers crossed you get your bfp soon xx

 

[Peony1]

Oh and also, I have several friends who’ve started trying after us (and some are overweight, don’t exercise, eat well etc.) - I actually cried when I found out one of them was pregnant. It’s not that I’m not happy for them but it just seemed so unfair and really highlighted that I still wasn’t pregnant.

 

[Arya]

Hey Peony

Thanks for replying.

That is infuriating of your aunt!!! I really don’t understand why it doesn’t cross people’s minds that maybe we are trying and there’s an issue! Even before TTC it’s something I would never have asked someone, not just because it’s none of my business but because you never know what’s going on for people.

Weirdly, I’ve hardly ever been asked! (People do love to tell me they’re pregnant though) My DH’s mum asked for a while until I got upset and told her we were having difficulty. Now she doesn’t ask but I do update her about appointments. The only other person I can think of was a not close friend at our mutual friend’s hen party, someone a few years younger than me. She asked me outright in front of a room full of women ‘are you going to have kids’, a simple line that upset me so much I gave a short response of ‘one day’ and managed to sneak away to cry. It was the way she said it and continued to talk as if it’s easy and a choice, plus it maddened me that she knows my age and how long I’ve been married and didn’t think maybe I’d already be trying.

Oh totally re unfit/unhealthy/overweight friends. The friend I mentioned above is not that healthy and is quite overweight and a few years older than me but got pregnant first time, when they’re not even that bothered about having kids. The other friend I mentioned is very overweight, has type 2 diabetes and has a very stressful job, husband drinks and smokes a lot and she wasn’t even having periods but got pregnant first month (and had also told me she wasn’t going to try til next year) trying.

I totally get why you were upset - it’s a weird mix of emtions where you’re happy for them but also upset and confused why it’s not you.

Maybe we’re trying too hard and need to smoke, drink, eat crap and not give a shit? Lol!

 

[tinselcat]

Hi Arya

Like you I've not had too many people ask about trying for children during my life - thank god. I'm thinking one thing to nosy people who aren't close to you might be to ask back in return, "why are you interested?" or even, "why do you want to know about my sex life?" (!!! <-- should hopefully shut them up!)

But your "insensitive friend" really doesn't sound like a friend at all, based on what you've described. What horrible things to say to you! "Insensitive" is a kind word there.

My experience is that people often don't know what to say and unless they've been there themselves, any good intention will probably come out wrong. e.g. after a miscarriage at nearly 13 weeks, my then-boss said "at least you know you can get pregnant" - well, I didn't point out that we'd just found out that my OH's sperm had 1% morphology and had been trying for over a year and had a very low chance of things working naturally. But you can't really go into that detail, right?!

Anyway, not sure where I'm going with this other than reducing your exposure to pregnant people is probably a good idea (especially on social media) and in neither of your cases is it too late by any means. (Says the 40 year old!)

xx

 

[Arya]

Hey Tinselcat

Thanks for the reply.

I really like the &#8216;why are you interested in my sex life&#8217; response, it could be said in a funny/jovial way but at the same time making a point.

Yeah you&#8217;re right, I&#8217;m realising that she&#8217;s not been a good friend with all this. I listened to her for 8 months tell me every detail of her pregnancy and how happy she was (or complaining about how uncomfortable it was). She knew I&#8217;d been trying a lot longer and was really struggling with it. I think it has ruined our friendship as now I can&#8217;t forget the hurtful things she said (I genuinely believe she had no intention of hurting me, I think she was oblivious, but she should have had more sense). I can&#8217;t bare the thought of hearing all about how wonderful her child is (I have managed to avoid her, I did tell her I was finding it too difficult, since she&#8217;s had her baby).

Wow, that was incredibly insensitive what your boss said!! And I&#8217;m very sad and sorry to hear of your miscarriage that must have been incredibly difficult.

Why can&#8217;t people just say sorry to hear/sorry for your loss, and perhaps ask if there&#8217;s anything they can do for you. And say nothing else!!

I&#8217;m also sorry to hear about your husband&#8217;s morphology - are there any things that you have/can try for that to help improve?

Thanks - it really helps to hear that I&#8217;m not a horrible human by avoiding pregnant people! Haha! Xx

 

[Peony1]

Maybe we’re trying too hard and need to smoke, drink, eat crap and not give a shit? Lol!

my husband said exactly the same

It does feel like I’m the only one left out of friends my age who hasn’t had a baby yet. It’s really hard sometimes and it doesn’t help when people point out that you’re not pregnant. It does help to vent on here though xx

 

[Arya]

Peony - hahaha! It seems to work for a lot of people!!

I know how you feel, it&#8217;s hard when everyone around you is having babies and entering a new phase in their lives. I feel stuck, in a kind of limbo. I don&#8217;t feel I fit in anywhere - i have friends who have babies/kids and some who don&#8217;t want kids, but I don&#8217;t feel I fit with either group. Neither understands what I&#8217;m going through. I&#8217;m not interested in going out drinking and partying and can&#8217;t relate to the ones with kids (or sometimes don&#8217;t want to be around them).

It does help to vent on here! I had a good cry last night, poor DH didn&#8217;t know what to do with me. I&#8217;m CD27 today, so I know there is hope (AF tends to come between 28-33) but I&#8217;m scared of the disappointment of yet another negative. I can&#8217;t even imagine getting a positive anymore.

I hope you guys are in a better place than me today, I need to try pull myself out of this dip, I gave myself yesterday to wallow so today I will not allow it xx

 

[Sunmoonstars]

Hi ladies. Wow isn't it funny how alone you feel going through this journey in a world full of people who seem to easily conceive!! I remember how scared myself and my partner were to TRY for a baby .. because we honestly hand on heart thought it would be a few months ... 18 months later and here we are!
I too resort to the 'some day' answer when I get asked - I'm pretty young (26) however myself and partner have been together 10 years next year. I swear to god, if my OH mother tells me that 'I may just need my tubes cleaned out because they could be mucky' or 'just relax and it will happen' one more time....!!!!!!! Lol, I wasn't planning on telling her but she spotted some Folic acid tablets in our house whilst we were on holidays!!!
I hate the fact that we try.. get excited for an entire 2 to 3 weeks
. Only for heartbreak when AF comes along. I know it can be normal for people to TTC for some time but I can't help but think - if it hasn't happened yet there may actually be an issue and what a waste of ups and downs this has all been!! Just to have an operation/to be told bad news/to have to have IVF?
I just wanted to join in and say hello and good luck. I never knew how hard this process would be but I'm so glad there is somewhere like this to make you feel less alone xx

 

[MoominGirl]

It took us 3 long years to get pregnant. Had a few issues along the way and then were eventually considered 'unexplained'. We were totally taken by surprise when we actually fell naturally. So it can still happen and we never thought it would have happened to us. We really had given up and were waiting for IVF.

If I learnt nothing else, it's that no one understands the pain of LTTTC if they haven't been there themselves. Usually people don't mean to be insensitive but that doesn't stop it feeling like you've been kicked in the guts every time someone thinks it's ok to ask 'when are you having a baby?' You feel like saying 'have you not noticed that I've been with my significant other for x years now and we bought a 3 bed house 4 years ago. Does that not give you a clue?' I was fiercely private about our struggle and shared with very few people. I just couldn't have dealt with 'helpful' advice from people who think trying for 3-4 months is a long time

I think from posting on here, I found although lots of people struggle, they have different boundaries in terms of what they can cope with. For me, being around children and talking about children was always ok. We have a nephew and being around him was never an issue as I've always seen being an auntie as different to being a mum. It also meant I could relate when others talked about their children so I didn't feel left out.

Pregnancy itself was completely different and I can't honestly say I dealt with it well. I don't really do social media and I know those that do often struggle with announcements. I always wanted to be happy for others as you don't know what they've gone through but it didn't stop me going home and sobbing my heart out every time there was another announcement. The worst was when a colleague announced she was pregnant, had every symptom going and it seemed to be the only conversation topic at work. I can't tell you how often I needed something from the store room. The only way I could get through the day was to take myself away from it without making a fuss. I think you just find a way of getting through it that works for you.

 

[Pinkz]

Since we started the fertility tests I've found it easier to talk about it but the same as moomin... why do they not think about the fact we bought a big house which we've completely left the spare rooms as is... I just don't think people think at all. It's not even this TTC journey that's shown me. I have phobias and mental health issues that close friends just do not even consider. The absolute surprise when they try to take me somewhere that sets off my vertigo, or when I'm trying to breathe my way out of a panic attack and they ask "oh what's wrong" they are so wrapped up in themselves no wonder they don't consider your feelings!

 

[lisey]

I really feel your pain, I had so many insensitive things said to me and mostly by someone who was supposed to be my best friend. She knew we had trouble conceiving and that we had multiple miscarriages but still proceeded to call me to say she was taking a test, as in right there and then! She complained that she was devestated when she didn't get pregnant on the first month of trying...she conceived on the second month! At this point I had been trying a long time and lost a baby recently.
When she got pregnant after a month or two with the third baby, she told me how she and her partner were so fertile and they should sell what they have!
Finally, she said if I had something wrong with my eggs, she would donate hers!
We are no longer friends, through one of the most traumatic times in my life, 5 years of trying, losses, heartache and worry, she made it all worse and I can't forgive that, even now.
I know people don't get it but surely common sense should prevail.

I wish you all lots of luck on your journeys and I hope your dreams come true very soon xx

 

[Pinkz]

I really feel your pain, I had so many insensitive things said to me and mostly by someone who was supposed to be my best friend. She knew we had trouble conceiving and that we had multiple miscarriages but still proceeded to call me to say she was taking a test, as in right there and then! She complained that she was devestated when she didn't get pregnant on the first month of trying...she conceived on the second month! At this point I had been trying a long time and lost a baby recently.
When she got pregnant after a month or two with the third baby, she told me how she and her partner were so fertile and they should sell what they have!
Finally, she said if I had something wrong with my eggs, she would donate hers!
We are no longer friends, through one of the most traumatic times in my life, 5 years of trying, losses, heartache and worry, she made it all worse and I can't forgive that, even now.
I know people don't get it but surely common sense should prevail.

I wish you all lots of luck on your journeys and I hope your dreams come true very soon xx

What an idiot. I hope she realises why you aren't friends. What a truly selfish attitude! I think people who don't struggle just do not comprehend! I was always the girl who didn't want kids. I wasn't fussed but it absolutely breaks my heart every month when it hasn't happened again and going through all these tests!

 

[phonixgirl]

For the first few years, people would ask and I'd give the "someday" answer. After about 3 years of marriage, people gave up asking... I do still get the odd comment from people at work saying I should be the next one to have a baby, but I just say that I can't, so don't place any bets on me! I have another friend in a similar situation who tried for years for their first and are struggling to have another. An insensitive mother of a mutual friend of ours made a casual comment to us both about just having a baby and we were both very quick to point out that it's just not that easy for everyone - and she's very glad to have the one she has.

I did cry when my sister announced she was pregnant, my sister in law got pregnant by accident as did two of DH's cousins (hard to take that news). I was ok when my sister announced her second pregnancy but DH finds it very hard to be around babies or young children. As he says, always the uncle and never the dad...

 

[Sunmoonstars]

For the first few years, people would ask and I'd give the "someday" answer. After about 3 years of marriage, people gave up asking... I do still get the odd comment from people at work saying I should be the next one to have a baby, but I just say that I can't, so don't place any bets on me! I have another friend in a similar situation who tried for years for their first and are struggling to have another. An insensitive mother of a mutual friend of ours made a casual comment to us both about just having a baby and we were both very quick to point out that it's just not that easy for everyone - and she's very glad to have the one she has.

I did cry when my sister announced she was pregnant, my sister in law got pregnant by accident as did two of DH's cousins (hard to take that news). I was ok when my sister announced her second pregnancy but DH finds it very hard to be around babies or young children. As he says, always the uncle and never the dad...

I'm thinking of you and have my fingers crossed that your luck will change hun xx

 

[tigerpaws]

I just love you guys for being open about your experience in here, I've been really open about the process to everyone and still get the weirdest f'ing questions like "did you try insemination" and "do they use your man's sperm or just anyone" &#55357;&#56834; sometimes I'm not even sure if I should just walk away.
The last year five girls in my class (university ) have gotten pregnant, we've became uncle and aunt for a not-at-all-planned amazing little girl and it feels like Shit all the time. My heart breaks and I just sit there crying about how easy some people have it, like it's possible to go like "I want a baby in april, thanks"

 

[liz85]

I just love you guys for being open about your experience in here, I've been really open about the process to everyone and still get the weirdest f'ing questions like "did you try insemination" and "do they use your man's sperm or just anyone" &#65533;&#65533; sometimes I'm not even sure if I should just walk away.
The last year five girls in my class (university ) have gotten pregnant, we've became uncle and aunt for a not-at-all-planned amazing little girl and it feels like Shit all the time. My heart breaks and I just sit there crying about how easy some people have it, like it's possible to go like "I want a baby in april, thanks"

I felt the same. I’d been trying for years with no luck people would say silly things to me like your not getting any older and should of started trying earlier. Trying to give me advice. My friend said she’d love a May baby and bam she had a may baby. I felt so so happy for her but at the same time I was dying inside. I was on my 20 something cycle by that stage.

 

[miamia]

tigerpaws and liz85 - stay positive, I am sure your dreams come true

 

[Alexis2017]

Yes....100 % ppl always ask me why I moved to a big house in the countryside and haven't 'filled'up the rooms like its a choice. Some ppl just don't consider the fact that it's not easy for everyone. I had so many friends and work colleagues making insensitive comments like 'you've got a dog soon to have 2...and you want a baby? Or it will be your time soon? Or what about the old fav 'you need to relax more' I think I hate the way ppl down play IVF like its a spoonful of Calpol or even more still once you tell someone then they constantly bring it up in conversations when you really don't want to talk about it in the middle of a cafe