Feeling really unsure about 'the dad'.

[08Princess]

To cut a long story short I'm pregnant and single.

The babies father says he will pay child support and 'be there' for me (whatever that means) but I am having feelings that I don't any him involved in any way.

I have told him the date of my scan and he says he will come with me but I don't want him there why am I being such a bitch?!

He hasn't really done anything wrong but I wish it was someone elses baby

I plan to move away once the baby is here so I don't see the point of him being involved now.

God, I sound so nasty What on earth is wrong with me? He was good enough to lay down with but now I want him gone

I don't understand myself atm.

I love my baby with all my heart and soul but feel like I am gonna have to push the father away.

 

[Maria1977]

Hi

First, congratulations on your LO.

I'm sure you know that hormones are a bugger, esp during pregnancy... and after lol I'm sure they're playing a part in how your feeling now too.

When you get pregnant it makes you rethink everything and you probably have a really clear view of exactly how you want things to be, I know that's how I felt, I knew exactly what I wanted to be done, how and when etc etc... And I felt like I was constantly waiting for OH to get on my wavelength and understand where I was coming from, but it's different for guys because for us the baby is there already, not when we give birth!! We see the urgency in which to make the changes that we need to for our babies.

I think the best thing would be to just tell him straight that you would rather go to the scan on your own, he might be relieved. But also be you might change your mind lol. You can offer him a picture of the scan if he didn't go. It's not the same, but at least you would be giving him something.

He might be happy to take a step back during the pregnancy, but if he wants to be there for the baby once it's born, even if you have moved away, I think it would be important to let him. Unless there is something seriously wrong with him then I think it's important for a child to know and be involved with both parents, but that's just my opinion.

I think the most important thing is to tell him how you're feeling because otherwise it's going to drive you nuts until you probably end up resenting him. Sometimes saying things out loud makes you rethink, like you need to hear it yourself too... if that makes sense lol

xxxxxxx

 

[08Princess]

Hi Maria and thanks for your advice.

He text me last night at half 10 saying 'pls come over'. I know exactly what he wanted and it wasn't to discuss being a dad!!

Needless to say I didn't go.
Its easy to confuse sex and deeper feelings and I have to remind myself that for most men sex is just a physical feeling, whereas for women is more emotional.
What I would really love is a cuddle and to have a good man to go through this pregnancy with me, not a man who just wants.......well, you know!

I feel for him I've only ever been a s**g! Sorry to be so blunt!

Thats one of the reasons I don't want him involved, plus he keeps going on about the affect this pregnancy is gonna have on his kids he has with his ex-wife. They are 13 and 10.

To begin with that really concerned me but now I think 'what about my baby?!' He doesn't seemed worried about that.

Its up to him to explain to his kids. And I know it sounds really nasty but thats not my problem. I've got enough to worry about.

I have my 12 weeks scan and screening on 27th June and I don't want him there.

I am also really anxious about this pregnancy and have convinced myself that they'll tell me something is wrong with my baby at the scan so I just wanna deal with it myself.

I also hope my dates are wrong and its not his baby.

God, I sound mental, don't I?!

Its true what you said about re-evaluating everything once you're pregnant and I wish I'd been more careful. I don't regret my baby for a single minute but wish so much I was in a loving relationship and was not going it alone.

I feel really lonely but don't want to let the father in.

Thanks again for your reply. I really helps to know somone else understands and cares. Hugs to you.
x x x




PS: I see you're in Lowestoft. I'm a Norwich girl and hope to move back in November.

 

[LouiseB]

He text me last night at half 10 saying 'pls come over'. I know exactly what he wanted and it wasn't to discuss being a dad!!

Needless to say I didn't go.
Its easy to confuse sex and deeper feelings and I have to remind myself that for most men sex is just a physical feeling, whereas for women is more emotional.
What I would really love is a cuddle and to have a good man to go through this pregnancy with me, not a man who just wants.......well, you know!

I feel really lonely but don't want to let the father in

It's sounds a lot to me like the dad hasn't done anything wrong and you're not even giving him a chance.

You are using assumptions and stereotypes to judge this guy and exclude him from his child's life, without even taking the time to ask him what he wants for his child.

It's in your child's best interest to have their father in their lives, especially if you don't have a reason to keep him away - the direction you are going in almost seems cruel.

Please talk to him. At least get his perspective. You might be right and he might turn around and say he wants nothing to do with either of you, but if he wants to try to have a relationship with you and/or his child then you have to take that on board.

At the end of the day, i think he is much more likely to kick up a fuss and fight for the child if you don't consider him at all.

 

[Maria1977]

I know I'm just hearing your side, but tbh he does sound like a bit of a selfish w**ker!!

I don't get why he's making your baby out to be something that will have a negative effect on his other children. It could and should be something really positive for them to look forward to.

I can totally understand why it's gonna be easier for you to face this pregnancy on your own because otherwise you might let him in and be completely let down by him, and it's not just you anymore you have your baby to think about and that's what we women do right from the moment we know our LOs are growing inside they become our priority.

It's natural to worry about that first scan, and the 2nd really, but try and stay positive for your baby that's the most important thing.

It'll be good to know someone else with a baby living quite close to me as I don't really know any other mums.

Let me know how your scan goes and any time you wanna chat or vent just pm me. I know it can feel really lonely but just remember you do have this place to get those feelings out and everyone is so nice n helpful here.

xxxxxxx

 

[08Princess]

2 different opinions! Thanks to both of you.

You're right LouiseB that maybe I'm not giving him a chance. I have talked to him when I was first pregnant and he was not happy at all! He really apnicked which is understandable.
He just keeps going on about the effect it will have on his kids and his divorce!

He has even said its a good idea if I move back to Norwich which makes me feel like hes not interested.

I know I'm probably being really sensitive.

Of course I won't prevent him from being in his childs life if thats what he wants but once I'm 250 miles away I can't see how he will make the effort.

And Maria, thanks again hun. You're lovely and seem to know where I'm going from.

Will keep in touch and would be great to meet up when I'm back in Norwich.
x x x

 

[Maria1977]

I think you know what you want really and as long as you're open to him being in the baby's life if that's what he decides there's not much more you can do.

You defo don't want someone who will come and go out of the childs life as that will just hurt them.

 

[08Princess]

My puishment for being a bitch about the daddy - no heart beat detected on the scan today

 

[Maria1977]

Don't blame yourself, there is no way you are responsible for what has happened. I can't imagine how you're feeling, but you can't blame yourself. Really am sending you lots of hugs right now, I know nothing can make you feel better, but I really am thinking of you xxxxxx

 

[mookie]

I've only just seen your thread, I'm so sorry. Please don't think your responsible, it's not your fault. Big hugs xx

 

[Xcitedmum]

only just seen this thread, so sorry to hear the news. You cannot blame yourself. You had realised this man was not for you - there is nothing in that that could have made todays scan turn out as it did. I hope your ok and can move forward. Big hugs xxx