Feeling low after bad birth, struggling to bond with baby?

[lmarszall]

Hi all,
I had a really traumatic labour with my son 6 weeks ago and i have been feeling really down about it. I was in labour for 31 hours and it ended with an emergency c-section.

I am finding it hard to bond with my baby and wondered if anyone had any advice or had felt the same. I feel like i can't relate him to the baby that was inside me for 9 months, i don't feel like he is mine at all. I love him but feel like i don't love him as much as i should and i feel really guilty for it. I also feel like i wish i could go back and make everything happen differently.

Here is my labour story anyway, this is the quick version!

I went into labour at 9am monday the 18th June.
Went to hospital in agony at 3pm monday.
Got put on ward as was only 1-2cm. Baby was back to back and was looking at a funny angle so back was in agony!
Was in so much pain though so given pethadine.
Worked for an hour so DP went home.
At 11.00pm was in so much pain and was 4cm dilated and went to labour ward.
Alfies heartrate kept fluctuating so we had a midwife and a doctor in the room with us 24/7!
Was given gas and air as was screaming in pain, didn't do a thing.
Given more pethadine, didn't do a thing.
Was in so much pain but they wouldn't give me anything else.
DP arrived at 12.30 and made them give me an epidural.
Epidural went in a 2.00am.
Had some relief and even put some music on.
Got to 7cm and started getting rib pain that was too high for epidural to reach so started screaming again.
Alfie's head was swollen from the contractions as they were really strong and also my cervix was swollen.
Got to 10cm and pushed for an hour.
Was told that he was aat funny angle and they wanted to try forceps to turn him in theatre, and if that didn't work a c-section would be performed.
Went to theatre and had full spinal block.
My heart rate went to 150 in theatre and i had a really high tempreture so they got worried.
Tried to turn him with forceps but it failed.
Anyway at 4.10pm on the 19th Alfie was born weighing 9lb 6oz.

After being stiched up which was horrible we went back to labour ward.
I was given morphine (oramorph) and had a reaction and started having convulsions and passing out and hyperventilating.

By 2.00 in the morning i was in High Dependancy and was ok but being watched and stayed till the morning.

Next day went down to the post c-sec ward where i stayed till saturday. During this time i was in agony and had issues with pain relief and i had to be on antibiotics and all sorts.

Alfie had to have loads of tests as had a fever and had to have a canular in his hand the whole time. He also was jaundice and had to under the UV lights for a while.

So it was very traumatic! And to be honest i have blocked alot of it out!

Df went back to work and i am finding it hard but mum and sis help when they can.

My wound was gaping and oozing after i left hospital but i was told it should be ok as i was on antibiotics anyway.

Last weekend i got really ill and felt awful and had to get the doctor out. Turns out my wound was infected and i had mastitis.

The mastitis is ok now but i have to go to the nurse every few days to get my wound cleaned and dressed. It is still sore and i have only just stopped taking painkillers.

But the breastfeeding is going well so i am happy about that.

I just wondered if anyone else felt the same after a horrible birth?

Laura and Alfie
6 weeks today
xxxxxxx

 

[mummykay]

I had a c section too and it wasnt exactly what I had in mind but thats the way it goes

I found myself to be totally overwhelmed with havin had major abdominal surgery and a brand new baby, I didnt know which to concentrate on most!!

I was lucky not to have an infected wound, but no doubt it delayed ur healing process

Hope ur ok now tho hun

 

I feel EXACTLY the same as you hun

I had a very traumatic and horrible birth which resulted in a C-Section so I know exactly what you are going through. I am still not bonding with my son and he's 8 months old now. Like you I don't feel like he's mine - to be honest I feel like the biggest failure out!

If you want to chat to me about this, feel free to PM me or add me to MSN

 

[Minxy]

I know how you feel too

I felt so let down by our birth experience and the care I received I felt it put a downer of what's always sold as a magical time.

The reality of birth can be different from the rosy picture of measured breathing and joyful arrival that we see on the TV. In truth it can be messy, complicated and disappointing.

You were unlucky with your experience but fortunate to have a healthy baby boy

After refusing to accept Stanley was mine in the delivery suite, I was nowhere near bonded at 6 weeks. In fact he was 3 months old when I remember the feeling of falling in love. And it was wonderful

Hang on in there and don't beat yourself up. It happens at different times for different mums and you'll both get there. You should speak to your HV though, in case treatment for PND will help your recovery faster.

 

[Hellokitty]

Hi all,
I love him but feel like i don't love him as much as i should and i feel really guilty for it. I also feel like i wish i could go back and make everything happen differently.

I had an almost identical birth story to yours and I admit I felt this exactly. I was very low but I realised early I had to do something about it rather than miss out 'the joys of motherhood'. I've been on anti-depressants for the last 5 weeks and I feel great now and I love Maia to pieces. Also for me the memories of the birth trauma are beginning to fade and I no longer feel dreadful when i think over what happened.

I'm not saying you definately need medication, but its worked for me. You might as well discuss it with your GP anyway, he/she might suggest counselling or some other alternative.

Either way I'm pretty sure you're going to feel better sometime soon and the bonding will come too when the time is right so don't panic.

 

[Rubys mummy]

Sweetie, you are defo not alone...

I had a c section after being induced and ended up with a nasty infection which left me on m a**e for days, OH had to take care of Ruby... I spent the first 6 weeks terrified of her, she cried all the time and I swear it was coz I was so uptight. I felt like she wasnt mine, and I was looking after her for someone else.

It wasnt until she was around 12 weeks old, something clicked and I felt this overwelming love people talk about, which I hadnt felt when she was born..and its just grown and grown.

My sis had an emergency c section 10 weeks before me, and she ended up in high dependency for 3 days..she had a really bad time bonding with her daughter, she had to move into mums for a week as she couldnt even pick Olivia up-she just sat sobbing on the sofa, yelling "ITS crying, tell IT to stop!!" very upsetting time for us all, but she came through it and is now loving being a mummy.

Motherhood is such a hard life changing thing, NOTHING prepares you for it!!

Be kind to yourself, talk about it to people, and dont feel bad for feeling this way, there are plenty of us been there

PM me if you ever need to chat xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[lella]

I feel exactly the same as you. My labour was traumatic and ive blocked most of it out. I dont feel like i have bonded with my LO like i should and although i had to have forceps and not a c section (although it was nearly the case)I feel like i havent given birth to him. I feel like i have been given this child to look after and i didnt carry him for 9 months. Ilove him to bits but i look at my husband with him and I then look at myself and its like he is so much better with him than me.

 

[sam96031]

i felt exactly like that emma was in SCBU for a month and a half and i was caring for her but i felt more like a nurse thana mummy, but it does get easier keep coming on here as you get fantastic support and you are welcome to pm me

 

[trixipaws]

sorry i cant fully understand coz my birth experience luckily for me went really well- i'm sorry yours didnt. i remember tho when u were pregnant u posted saying u felt low then, i think u probably had pre-natal depression, now u sound like u hav post-natal depression. i think u should go 2 the docs and get some medicine for it, and some other support, and i really hope ur feeling better soon hun.

 

[lmarszall]

Thanks everyone!

I have been feeling a bit better lately. Alfie has been happier and easier to cope with and he is getting into a routine which mean i have a bit more time for myself. Even just to get dressed and have breakfast!

I have talked to DP about it but he desn't really understand i don't think. He has offered to take Alfie and stay at his mums for the weekend so i can rest a bit. But i would have to stop breastfeeding to do this which i don't want to. Although i think DP wants me to stop breastfeeding as he seems to think it is slowing my recovery and draining me a bit.

Lau
x

 

[Redshoes]

I can relate to what you're feeling Laura, I would just like to say that there is plenty of support on here and elsewhere for you, and using that support will make you feel better about your relationship with Alfie Talking about it is always the first step, now you keep on taking one day at a time, that's all I did, I still have low moments were I cannot get past Isaac's birth, but they are few compared to the many high moments these days

I think you should let your DP watch Alfie so you can rest, not take him away, just for an hour or two of an afternoon, that one nap can make all the difference, really hope things atrt getting better for you, on a personal note, things started improving dramatically for me from 6wks when Isaac started more of a routine pm anytime if you want to get things of your chest

 

[Miracle babe]

I really admire the ladies here who have had the courage to stand up and admit they felt this way. I think realising there is a problem is certainly part way to dealing with it. I had a very traumatic birth experience with my daughter and refused to tell anyone how awful I was feeling. For two years I struggled on with flashbacks, feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts. Her first birthday I spent in tears reliving the trauma and beating myself up for being a rubbish mother. Eventually the feelings gradually subsided but it wasnt until I was pregnant with Rowan 7 years later that I was finally given post partum conselling and thankfully went on to have a fantastic birth experience with Rowan. I finally feel like I got it right and am no longer a failure. Please dont leave it like I did. Get help, talk about it as I feel like I missed out on 3 years at least of my daughters life. 3 years I will never get back.
Love to all, I think this is more common than people care to admit and I know that reading that others felt the same has certainly helped me.

 

[Redshoes]

Miracle babe So glad you have been able to move on I think there's a bit of a stigma that if Mummy doesn't feel all in awe of her beautiful healthy baby, all day, everyday, then she cannot love them, which is ridiculous, and the more Mummy's speak out, the more it becomes apparent we can help each other and we still do love our children despite finding it very darn hard

 

[*saulino*]

Hi

I was the exact same way after my emergency section with Kiara i felt so crap i also got mastitis and i didnt feel any love for her for a good few months.
Dont worry it takes time to fall in love so its the same way with a baby .
You have had a very tough time too good luck with everything hun things will get better

 

[lauramumof2]

I dont think this has too much to do with the birth, its just normal. Its pretty damn hard. I remember asking strangers with babys if their babys slept well yet, i was just looking for something to cling to.

This is nomal and you are normal. The bonding, it will come. Its not instant but it comes.

 

[mrs_tommo22]

I felt the same way as you and hope that it comes together soon for you and I totally understand why you have been feeling bad.
Maybe you do have pnd, its nothing to be ashamed of and certainly doesjnt make you a bad mother in the least.

I hope you start too feel back to normal soon.

 

[lella]

I spoke to my health visitor about my feelings towards my LO and my lack of bonding. She said it is proberly due to the traumatic birth i experienced and im going to have councilling. Also i have been diagnosed with PND she is going to help me with that too. my HV is a god send.I feel hopefull that things will get better.

 

[Strangeness]

I had a traumatic birth which sometimes still makes me worry about having another baby. I didn't have a problem bonding with my son, if anything it's made me a bit over protective and I won't let anyone look after him apart from my mum and dh. I used to have flashbacks for months and also had a c section so was uncomfortable for ages! I think when you're trying to recover from major surgery it makes things a million times harder! Having a baby for anyone is a huge change that no one can ever prepare for! You're not on your own hun!