Feeling like my world is falling apart...........

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

........today!

Af came today after a very dubious looking possible positive yesterday turned out it was waht I suspected and a smudge on test....so then AF turns up this morning....again I was 'ok' with this thinking well after MC af has arrived and hopefully cycle will get back to normal if its not already....

Then my sis in law whos just told me last week shes pregnant phoned to say she was coming over and I was all excited to see her and my 5 month old niece Ruby....THEN..........my best friend from school who Ive not seen since the day before I MC came over and told me shes pregnant!

Ive done nothing but cry....Im totally devastated....that Im im not pregnant, that she is and that shes my friend who we laughed and planned on being in the labour ward together one day and now its all happening for her and Ive lost our baby! I just cant stop crying and I thought I had everything under control and was dealing with it all!

In reality I now think I have just been putting on a brave face and smiling to the world while inside Im just want to scream and crumble!

Why am I so happy and I really am happy that Im getting a new niece or nephew....yet I feel nothing but envy, jealousy and resentment towards my friend....this is not like me I am really close to her and now I literally want to tell her to go to hell for hurting me even more by telling me shes pregnant when Im still in bits of having a MC 4 weeks ago....

I feel so bad for feeling so horrible towards her but I am feeling completely destroyed by her good news!!

I want to crawl in a hole and stay there till I have a baby and not face anyone else.....whats wrong with me Im not a horrible person, I do anything to help anyone, I am always the first person everyone turns to for help advice and support so why the hell have I suddenly turned into a selfish bitter and nasty cow today all because of this news!!

She text me this even saying shes knows Im gutted by her news.....what can I say.....Oh no In over the moon for you both....COZ IM BLOODY WELL NOT!!!

I dont like feeling or thinking like this....am I the only one whos furious at the world for carrying on and getting pregnant and living their lives just coz mine has had the trauma of a MC??


So sorry girls but I cant stop crying my head is killing of winging all efffing day and my eyes are almost closed Ive cried that much.....xxxx

 

[jarjar7]

Oh Hun...I really feel for you.
I have never been through what you have and I may be wrong but I think its a natural reaction. You want a Child so much and now after what you've been through it seems everyone is getting what you want. My friend of 25 years had a child in November and I haven't even met him yet cos of the resentment I feel towards her cos of it, even though another part of me is unbeliveably happy for her and wants to go and meet him and give him a big squeeze. I dont think it makes me a horrible person, it just brings home the situation I'm in.
Please dont feel bad about yourself for feeling this way. You have been through so much in the past few weeks, you cant constantly be happy for everyone. You have alot to get over and you need to do it in your own time.
Try to be positive about the fact that your AF has arrived and your cycle will hopefully get back to normal for you to move on and keep trying.
Thinking of you hun and sending you hugs and love.
xxxxxxxx

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Thanks Jarjar....what you say makes a lot of sense....and I know I will calm down at some point but I didnt think I could feel this hurt over someone telling me this especially as its not an aquaintance its a very close friend...but although its great for her I am resenting her for telling me and making me feel even more hurt yet i would hate her for not telling me so she cant win can she...but although I know its not the case I feel like she deliberately told me ....... I cried when we talked about my MC this afternoon and she said she can tell im not my usuall bubblyhappy self....so why then go on to tell me that after she saw how upset I am about MC....I dont know Im prob being irrational about it all but it hurst so much.....xxxx

 

[megsmeadow]

Wilma, it's only been 4 weeks! Heaven forbid but if you had lost a relative it would take far longer than 4 weeks to grieve! Go easy on yourself hun, you're not a bad person, you're human! I'm sorry I don't have any other advice. I think you need time to heal, and some days will be awful, others will feel like a step forward. Take care of yourself!! xx

 

[flopsybunny]

Hiya Wilma,

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you are going through. What megsmeadow said is completely right and it takes time. You are bound to feel hurt after planning your pregnancy and labour together and now she is going to go through it without you.

A major part of the grieving process is anger and it needs to be expressed somewhere for you to heal from your loss.

I really hope you feel better soon.

xx

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Thanks Megs and flospy.....I think that is part of the problem...because hardly anyone knew we were pregnant, I feel like I have to keep smiling to the whole world and theres not a lot of time to be me and cry and grieve....yet like you say Meg if i had lost a live person this would be totally understandable and nobody would think twice about it....

I havent accepted it and i havent grieved and now i realise that....I feel guilty for feeling so down and sad becasue there wes nothing to see there I think people with think why am I winging over something that never was...but to me it was a baby and I lost it and It might as well have been born for the amount of pain I feel.....

I appreciate your replies ladies....its just good knowing its normal and Im not going insane or having emotions that are totally wrong.....xxxx

 

[flopsybunny]

I havent accepted it and i havent grieved and now i realise that....I feel guilty for feeling so down and sad becasue there wes nothing to see there I think people with think why am I winging over something that never was...but to me it was a baby and I lost it and It might as well have been born for the amount of pain I feel.....

Anybody that thinks that you're grieving over something that never was is totally insensitive. You have every right to feel anger and grief because it was your baby, not nothing.

Time is the best healer, but talking will also help you a lot.

Don't feel guilty for feeling sad or angry, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

xx

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Thanks Flopsy....you know when you want to tell someone....(my inlaws) who im pretty close too but who me and dh think will think 'it was for the best' well I so want to tell them coz I cant keep smiling and atm I have to when we see them and we see them a lot....when my SIL had a MC we all knew about it and she was allowed to grieve, and everyone understood etc but I feel like our baby hasnt been recognised for our baby and although I know telling people isnt going to bring it back...I feel its part of coming to terms with it for me....Dh is saying tell them but im also scared of the its for the best speach coz i will paste the walls with them if they do....

I just feel like coz nobody knows then I cant be sad, mad or angry and certainly dont feel like I have any right to grieve....heads a bit screwed up me thinks....xxxx

 

[flopsybunny]

Maybe speak to your mother-in-law on her own and tell her how you are feeling. Explain that you need support to grieve for your loss and tell them that you recognise that they may 'think it was for the best' but it wasn't. Being upfront and open about your feelings with them may allow them to emphasize more with you.

Of course I don't know the best solution for that, as I don't know what your in-laws are like, but it is worth considering.

And just because not many people knew doesn't change the fact that you knew and lost someone special. This may sound cheesy but keeping a journal of how you're feeling may help you. Even coming on here and getting your feelings and frustrations out is a good step forward.

xxx

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Yeah I think I am going to talk to my sis in law on say (MIL and FIL passed away) so its just his bro and sis and their partners....were really close to them in most ways but dh was wary of telling them early incase something happened and incase they said we were barking mad...I have neuro disease and am partially disabled and were 38 and 40 so they think thats too old!

But I do think I need to talk to at least my sis in law....then maybe I wont have to keep putting on a brave face and might even get something positive out of talking to them...one of them has MC too so may talk about it too xxx

 

[flopsybunny]

Too old? Nonsense! Now those women in their 60's going abroad to get IVF because they have had the menopause...that may be considered to be too old!
As for being partially disabled, if you and your husband know you are able to look after a baby then no-one else should judge. You and he know what is best for you.

Sounds like a good plan to talk to your sis-in-law. Hopefully she will be understanding.

xx

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Thanks for talking flopsy its helped put things into perspective re the inlaws at least....I know I am going to tell them now and I will deal with their reaction....

Yes it willbe a stuggle at times but that could be said for anyone having a baby....but we are perfectly capable and able and STILL young enough to give a baby a great fullfilled life and will do it with or without their support....thanks again flopsy xxx

 

[flopsybunny]

You don't need to thank me. I hope you feel a little bit better.

xxx

 

[karenandbump]

Aw hon, so sorry you are feeling like this. I think it's probably a totally normal reaction so try not to beat yourself up about it. The best way to work through emotional stuff is to go with it not block it so let yourself be upset and grieve for your loss. It's something I know I had to do....and still am doing to some extent xxx

 

[MrsR]

Hi chick x firstly big hugs x secondly, you really really need to grieve honey could you do something to mark the passing of your baby? Maybe plant a plant that'll flower every year in spring time? Or make something? I regret not doing this but I spent alot of time in a memorial garden to remember x it's completely understandable how you're feeling towards your friend, I felt exactly like this when I was told that a girl in our group of friends was pg x you say that everyone turns to you for comfort/advise etc but where do you turn? x anytime you need to talk or rant or just a shoulder then don't hesitate to pm or email me x we'll all help as much as we can chick x x

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Thanks Karen....I just feel awfull for feeling so awful towards her and about her news.... Talked to David in length last night and feel a bit better for doing that as he deals with thinkgs inwardly inlike me...im like a jibbering wreck atm....but I def have to stop trying to just 'get on with it' as 4 weeks down the road its all come back to bite me and kick crap out of me emoitionally.....xxxx

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Thanks helen.....I will def make use of your offer to talk...and give some of the others I regularly PM to winge a rest from me winging.....

I made a GTS memorial when it first happened but couldnt even face loading the page up till last night when once again I felt so low....I wrote a few words and closed the page....it helps coz it feels like Im being able to acknowledge our baby there....but I havent told anyone Ive made the site...not even David as Im worried he''ll think im barking mad....(prob does anyway lol)....but for now its my consolation place where I can go and write what I want and only I can see it....but nearly mentioned doing something like planting or making something like you say to mark the passing of our baby....it just hurts so much right now and although I now realise I havent dealt with it all...her telling me yest that news just tipped me over the edge emotiionally and I felt out of control xxxx

 

[sarah1]

Hey Wilma
Just wanted you to know you're not alone. I feel exactly the same as you - would have been my 12 week scan today and I'm not coping with it as well as I'd like to. My friend is pregnant and even though I'm happy for her I feel so awful that I can't even talk to her about her baby (she lives far away so probably just thinks I'm busy). Our friends got married last year, got pregnant straight away and their baby is due in a few weeks. We saw them last week and I said about 3 words to them. I was so angry afterwards and I didn't really know why.
I hate being so miserable and bitter, and this week everything is reminding me of the fact that there's no baby..... its really sh*t isnt it??
I hate that noone knows and expects me to be my usual cheery self, when all I want to do is shout at everyone and tell them I feel rubbish and don't want to do anything!!!! my best friend was on about holidays last night, she is going in two weeks and was moaning because she hasn't been away for a few months and feels she deserves a holiday. Because I'm a teacher 'I get lots of holidays so its ok'. I was so annoyed.....I almost want to tell her but I know that she wont understand because its one of those things u have to go through to realise how awful it is. I know, because I used to not think of it as anything big.
On a plus point, its good that your cycle is back on track right? Im on day 25 since mc and have had signs of ov but not sure..... af doesnt usually come till day 36/7 sometimes 40 something so I will just wait.......
Sending big hugs your way, and letting you know its ok to stay in bed and cry your eyes out, might do a bit of it myself later! lots of love xxxxxxxxx

eeeeeeek sorry for long message!

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Ah thanks sarah...Im sorry to hear your having such a bad time too.... ((((HUGS))))

Yes I know exactly what you mean about how you feel and react towards others who are pregnant its horrible feeling so negative about them but I cant bring myself to even be slightly happy....I feel so bitter and angry too and keep asking why is she pregnant and we have all lost our babies....how bad am I!!!

AF arriving yesterday wasnt a problem for me as like you say I thought great things can hopefully get back on track soon...but when she told me...well that just made AF being here a constnat reminder that Im now not pregnant and she is!!

Ive been out to do a craft class this morning and one of the girls said I looked rough....oh yes...carrier bags under my eyes from crying and my eye lids look like the michelin mans eyes Ive cried that much.... I just feel an incredible need to be with David and Kate all the time and hate it atm when hes at work....and thats not like me....

But yes a duvet day, a box of hankies and of couse some chocolate (just incase) sounds like a plan at some point soon and im sure letting it all out will help.....hope you feel a little better soon too claire and thanks again for taking the time to reply when your going through this all yourself too xxx

 

[KatieB]

I'm so so sorry that you are so upset right now and what you are feeling is completely understandable. I lost twins just before christmas, my best friend and I were pg together and 6 days apart, I couldn't speak to her as I felt so angry that I wasn't pg and she was. I felt bad that I was being such a crap friend...it wasn't until her 12 week scan that I called to see how she'd got on...her baby had severe spina bifida and they lost baby 4 weeks later. Its been tough but were friends again, I'm dreading teling her I'm pg as I dn't want her to go through those horrid feelings of resentment and anger....isn't it awful. Cry when you need to there is no point in holding it in it'll only eat you up inside. Explain to your friend you feel angry and resentful but to bear with you, shes a friend she may not understand as she hasn't been through it but should have respect for your feelings and what you've been through. I hope you are ok and get the bfp you want real soon x x