How Can I Keep My Baby Safe?

[dannii87]

If you've already read my post "Newby Here! Help!" then you'll know my situation... A new problem has arose and I don't know what to do.

Gray (my ex) has since been in touch after I begged him to at least try to be there for baby when it arrives. He has now decided that although he is not ready to part with a big chunk of his monthly wage or do the day-to-day bringing up of the child, that he wants SOME part of it.

His words "when I'm available I'd like to see the baby, I don't want to arrange times and places because I don't want to disappoint the baby if I make other plans for the evening/weekend"

His family are extremely wealthy and offered to pay him 5k to leave me because they said this will "ruin his life"... My fears are;

A) That his parents will hire the best lawyer to try to take my baby away from me/for them to gain full custody.

B) That Gray will let my baby down time and again and I can't watch my little boy/girl go through that torment.

C) Birth certificate: People have said that if he's not down on the birth certificate he cannot demand the right to see the baby - BUT will I still receive maintanance?!

D) That he will deny the baby is his and therefore find some bloody way of getting out of paying for his child.

I have learnt to put my feelings aside because if it was completely my decision, I'd have him never have contact with the baby EVER. But this is anger talk. Ideally, I want to give him one chance and one chance only to prove he can be there for my baby, at the same time, I'm worried about him messing us around.

I'm in turmoil of what5 is "right" and what is "wrong".

...I don't know where I stand or what to do!?

It would be fantastic to hear if any of you have already made decisions like this or are planning to etc? I just need advice...

Thank you!! xx

 

[mrs_tommo22]

My only suggestion is to stay away from this man, he sounds like a utter toss as well as his family - if you want nothing to do with him hun dont ask him for anything - apply for benefits - get what you can and keep him away and off the birth certificate.

Good luck, it sounds like the situation from hell! pm me if you need to chat x

 

[reallyoldmum]

Dannii87 its still early days - there is no need for you to stress yourself out making huge decisions yet.... Easier said than done as I am sure its all you are thinking about - how about just saying to him just to back off and give you the time and space to enjoy this part of your pregnancy - dont say yes or no to any of his demands and just give yourself time to sort out your own head - dont forget your hormones will be playing havoc with you at the moment - you really dont need to make any major decisions.

Once you are nearer the baby being born I would suggest you speak to a solicitor - money or not his family have no right to take your child and I am pretty sure they wouldnt be able to so try not to worry about it.

Please enjoy the wonderful stage you are at in your pregnancy - it goes so quick and letting an ar** like him ruin it for you makes me so mad!!!

Take care of yourself and your precious little bean x x x x

 

[Zodiac]

Hi There,

Regarding the birth certificate. You can only name the father on there if he is in attendance at the time you register. Otherwise it will just be left blank.

This shouldn't affect maintenance - as if there are any problems with him denying the baby is his - you can go through the CSA and request he take a DNA test to confirm paternity.

Whether he is involved in the upbringing or not, if he is the biological father he should pay maintenace and again this can be done through the CSA if you are unable to come to a private agreementent between the both of you.

I think he needs to decide whether he wants to be a part of his childs life not just when it suits him. He can't just come & go from his childs life as this is gonna cause confusion and heartache for your child in the long run. He/She needs and deserves more stability than that.

Hope it all works out for you hun.

Take Care.

 

[MissSara]

Take my advice this guy sounds a complete and utter dick ( excuse my french)

Don't stress yourself over him he isn't worth it and as for him being involved in the babies life i think that will soon change due to his family and he'll be gone. My sons real dad was and still is the same, his family called all the shots and thats why we haven't seen him for 5years. And to be spiteful he wont even let my OH adopt my son.

He isn't on the birth certificate as the father as i didn't want him to be, how ever the csa still managed to track him down, not that i have got a penny yet due to his family being clever with cash in hand wages. He also denied being harrisons father, and was then told to take a dna test through the CSA but if he was the father he would have to pay for the test, so then he changed his mind but managed to delay the system for a few months.

I think it will be tough for you as it is for anyone becoming a single parent with everything to deal with, but you have a great family and not to mention your wonderful mum. You will do a great job, try not to worry to much about "HIM" as he isn't worth it xxx

 

[Sherlock]

Ditto what others have said here on most things.

I would only like to add a bit about his wanting access to the baby on a casual when it suits basis. A few things would concern me with this so its worth thinking about carefully.

a) Its not really good to be inconsistent with visiting and so on where children are concerned. If he wants to be a part of his childs life, he has to be prepared to make some commitment and effort on a regular basis. Its not fair to the child or you otherwise as your child won't know where they stand.

Sometimes his social life is going to have to go to hell for the sake of his child and he should not expect otherwise. He cannot have it all on his own terms and expect you to fall over and agree to his demands. They are unreasonable.

b) I speak from experience. I may be 37 but my father left when I was a baby. My mother never stopped him seeing me but she hardly ever had advance notice of his visits (once or twice a year when he went overseas) and it would break my heart to have him turn up and be elated, only to have his disappear again a few short hours later. I'd cry for days and could never understand what I had done wrong for him to leave like that.

Consider what the effects of an unreliable Dad will have on your child long term. His 'when he feels like it' attitude is not reliable. You need advance notice so as to be able to plan *your* life and that of your child during the times he is not around. If he wants access, he needs to make that commitment to it. Imagine he turns up and says he wants the baby for the morning and takes him/her but you had planned to go see a friend. Or you could have had a coffee with friends in town had you known a few days in advance he was wanting to have baby for an afternoon. He cannot and should not expect you to drop everything to suit him.

Your child will need consistency from him as a parent, not flakiness and a selfish attitude. He sounds like he is being very selfish IMO.

Please don't feel panicked or be pushed into agreeing anything with him. You have plenty of time to see how he does in the coming months, to make up your mind what level of access he should have, if any and so on. He has every chance to show you he can be a decent person. If he does not, don't lose sleep over him.

Take your time to reseach your legal position (you are in a strong one), seek advice from CAB and other groups and also we are here to offer support and advice to you aswell. You are not alone in this Most of all, make this on your terms, not his. Don't go begging to him again if you can help it. Try and stay strong so as not to put yourself in a vulnerable position with him where he angles for the upperhand and you suffer.

He really does sound like a total arse tbh. I'd give him short shift and not put up with his nonsense at all.

 

[dannii87]

Thank you so much, all of you!

I've taken all the advice on board and sent this email;

Hi Gray,

I am just writing this email to you because I feel at the moment this is the best form of communication for both of us as tempers are flaring and emotions are high.

I refuse to communicate with you by mobile from here on as the phone calls and comments you made to me last night (I felt) were rude and completely unacceptable. With the first 12 weeks being a touch and go period for me and our child, I would great appreciate it if you would only reply via email and we can be civil and adult towards each other without any arguments to avoid unnecessary stress.

I am shocked that you used the words "rot in hell you dirty slut", "I think it is disgusting that you would bring a baby into a world with no stable relationship" and accuse me of planning this because "my friends want me to get pregnant".

I would not put this torment on anyone intentionally and I certainly would choose better father material for my baby should I have planned this pregnancy.

During the last few days you have not been a strong support system for me, in fact you have not supported me at all. I am sure you would agree. I understand that you are unhappy with the situation and would prefer not to be involved however this is something that we are both responsible for.

Your feelings have fluctuated from not wanting any part of this to agreeing to take some responsibility for the child. While I appreciate this, I do not feel very comfortable that your stance will remain this way and therefore I would like it for us to come to a mutual agreement for when the baby arrives.

I am sad that when I called on 30th December (early hours of 31st December) I had to describe some situations that may occur (such as when the baby eventually meets you, should you decide to do that, would cling to me as they wouldn't know who you are... If the child should ask me questions about you, what you look like, what you were like as a person etc).

After I did this, you text me asking if you could be involved in some way. Although you said (and I quote) "not full time, I can't do the day-in day-out things like bringing the baby up". You also said "I am not willing to struggle for money for the sake of a baby".

I appreciate these are your feelings. Neither of us intentionally got ourselves into this situation but I feel it appropriate to both take 50% responsibility for what has happened.

I text you saying that the door is open for one opportunity and one opportunity only to be involved in our child's life, you accepted and said you would like SOME involvement.

Despite you asking several times if I had thought of having an abortion and a few times suggesting that there is a small chance I still might make the decision, I can tell you now Gray that as long as I have a healthy pregnancy, I WILL be keeping this baby.

After what your parents said about the baby and how clear they showed their feelings, you accepted when I said I did not want them to have any involvement in the child.

My personal thoughts on this situation I will keep to myself for arguments sake, I would appreciate it if from here on you would do the same.

There are a few things I would appreciate if you could honour for the sake of our child and its involvement with you;

When I begin buying furniture, clothes and accessories, you agreed last night that you would split costs with me 50/50. I will ensure I keep all receipts and would not expect you to split costs with me without one. I will also ensure I go for reasonable standard but low price items so that you feel I am not "ripping you off".
At any major milestones (i.e. when the sex of the baby is confirmed, names are confirmed, the birth etc), you will be informed immediately.
At any point if you wish to discuss anything, I can assure you that I will be there to talk (via email and possibly mobile but would appreciate email initially).
Finally, when the baby is born I would like to meet with you during the first week/two weeks of its birth to discuss arrangements for visiting and financial support.

Thanks Gray, I appreciate the time it has taken to read this email. I hope that you understand and accept the points raised in this email and hope to hear from you soon.

Dannii xx
He has read it, but hasn't replied... Arse xx

 

[MissSara]

well on your point you have said all that you can say in that one email, if he still decides not to reply stick to your guns and dont back down.
Wishing you the best of luck, and i hope everything turns out for you, feel free to pm me if you ever want a chat xxx

 

[Sherlock]

Give him a bit of time to digest it all.

For future I'd keep emails short as possible and not wander into personal stuff. Just keep it matter of fact and don't let your feelings run out into your words. That way he can't argue anything nor make you feel upset. Stick to baby matters, future plans and so on and leave the past as past as far as is possible. Keep bringing it up doesn't serve any purpose now other than to cause upset. Thats just MHO there

Hang in there, you are doing the right thing

 

[dannii87]

Thank you

Yep I'll calm it down a bit... Emotions are high for both of us. I really need us to work as a team when baby's here so hopefully we can organise something that works for both of us within the next 7/8 months

Thanks ladies, I'm so glad I joined this forum, I feel so much better now after the distress I was in when he left... xxx

 

[mummykay]

pliers and blowtorch spring to mind

im really sorry that he is bein like this to you but u and bubs are number one now, he can go rot in hell

 

[keli]

i know how you feel ive just split up with my fella. i've got so many questions i want answering about the baby, money access etc but im just going to leave it for a while need to digest and get used to being on my own. just going to focus on me and my growing bump it is hard for me not to pick up phone and call him but we've got loads of time to sort the details out as you have xx

 

[debecca]

I certainly would choose better father material for my baby should I have planned this pregnancy.

bit harsh! Mind you, it's a valid point.

I don't have any advice to give but I really hope everything works out for you, both with the pregnancy and with this t*sser xxx

 

[sparky]

dont let your fears take over....as at this stage its all they are. Men have to accept the change to their lives as much as women, esp if the pregnancy is unplanned.

Give him a bit of time before you do anything rash, people react differently. I'm sure as the pregnancy progresses his attitude might change, many men dont see the pregnancy as real until there is a pic on the scan photo.

To deny his name on the birth certificate is cruel as you have no right to deny your child of a father that would just be selfish, its very difficult to change in the future.

Dont go running off to a solicitor, see how things go, you're just stressing yourself out which cant be good for you.

Dont listen to the all men are *******s clan either, everyone has the ability to be a dick at times and everyone should be given the chance to change

 

[sparky]

sorry that sounded a bit harsh when i re-read it, what i meant to say is its natural to feel really vunerable just now and your fears to be exgagerated, but try not to worry too much. Give it a few weeks and you might find everything looks different.

Relax and enjoy the thought that your little bean is growing inside you, blissfully unaware and happy to be there

 

[dannii87]

Quick update: He's moved to Greece!

No, I won't put him on the birth certificate, and I don't feel that this is unreasonable as a few points have been raised. If he is on the birth certificate, a future partner/husband will not be able to adopt the child. If he is on the birth certificate, he would have to authorise this.

Being on the birth certificate or not does not mean that I will not allow access at some point in the future (should I feel ok to do this at the time) as I have all of his information which I will provide the child with once they are old enough to understand the situation.

If the child decides to marry at 16 for example, Gray would have to joint authorise this and I feel he has no rights...

Finally, Gray has requested not to be on the birth certificate and wants nothing more to do with us. This is one request I will grant the *******.

...They are my reasons and although some might not agree, the pros overweigh the cons in my opinion.

Thanks for the advice girls, it's appreciated!! xxx

 

[MissSara]

I totally agree with your decision to not have him on the birth certificate.

When did the dick decided to move to Greece?

I don't have a name on H's birth certificate for all the reasons that you listed as i felt that my ex just had no rights what so ever and has never earned those rights since his birth.

They asked me when i went to register his birth if i wanted to leave it blank, put a line through it or name unknown. Make sure you opt for the blank as that can be changed at any time the other options can't be.

 

[dannii87]

Thank you so much! That's great advice! How is your LO doing?

xx

 

[MissSara]

The bump is getting bigger and harrison is great, its his birthday tomorrow and he's all excited.

How are you bearing up with all this stress of him and being pregnant? Bet your mums being great isn't she?

 

[dannii87]

Aww bless him! Must be exciting for him!

Well, I'm so excited that I've almost overcome the worrying... Suprisingly, I'm feeling really positive about it all now! Feeling much better

Yeah, Mum is brilliant - she's so supportive and has so much love for the baby already. Baby is very lucky to have her as his/her Nanny!!

xx