Father doesn’t want to be involved - parental rights and child support

Discussion in 'Single Parents' started by millie227, Nov 21, 2017.

  1. millie227

    millie227 New Member

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    Just a bit of background: I told the father I was pregnant at approx 16 weeks, and he said he needed to ‘process’ when I asked if he wanted to be involved or not. His attitude being if I didn’t want to be with him (as I called off us dating before I found out) then why would I want him to be involved and I explained I felt it was his decision to make, not mine.
    Apart from the night I told him when he text me a couple of questions I have not heard from him at all.
    So at 37weeks I text him to ask if he had processed and made a decision and he ignored the text.
    I am now due and text him again to which he has responded saying he didnt want to be involved.

    I am now wondering where this leaves me/him is terms of child maintenance and parental rights.

    If he is not on the birth certificate I believe he doesn’t have parental rights..
    But if I was to get child maintenance from him would he need to be on the birth certificate (giving him parental rights) or would him paying it give him parental rights?
    If I went through an agency and he denied paternity and then did a DNA test which would prove him to be the father would he then have to go on the birth certificate
    Or would it only be if he requested to be on it that he would be?

    And just as an FYI this is not about custody, he has said he didn’t want to be involved and i know he may change his mind in the future and I would not deny him access, but as he said he doesn’t want to be involved at the moment I don’t want him to be in the birth certificate or have parental rights. I also won’t be hiding it from my child who their father is.
     
  2. KHTW

    KHTW Well-Known Member

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    First of all I am really sorry you have been left in this position. Hopefully he changes his mind and will see his child.

    I don't have any experience here but just wanted to say that you could always call citizen advise for a free advise.

    Good luck x
     
  3. Shepherdess

    Shepherdess Well-Known Member

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    I don't know for definite but I think if you want him to pay for your child he will need to be on the certificate
     
  4. fairycake

    fairycake Well-Known Member

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    They do not need to be on the certificate to claim maintenance and you can only put your husband/wife on the certificate without them attending. Otherwise you can have him fill out a form to be put on there. but like I say he does not need to be on the certificate to claim maintenance. I know this as my partner is not on his sons birth certificate but still pays maintenance. xx
     
  5. JustTrying

    JustTrying Well-Known Member

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    Why do you want him to pay if there is no involvement from him and you don't want him to be on the birth certificate and have zero parental rights?

    He does not need to be on the birth certificate for child maintenance.
     
  6. millie227

    millie227 New Member

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    It is his choice that he wants no involvement and if at any point in the future he changes his mind I am going to allow it.
    I don’t want him on the birth certificate as it gives him parental rights and i wouldn’t want to have his permission to do things if he isn’t involved eg if I moved away or changed the child’s name etc. If he wanted to be on the birth certificate then and asked me then I wouldn’t fight against it. But as fairycake said he needs to be there at the registration and I doubt he’s going to travel 200 miles to sign it when he said he doesn’t want to be involved.
    And I have been debating with myself as to whether or not to get child support from him, as he doesn’t want the hold or involvement and it was purely my decision to keep the child regardless of what his response was going to be. He is a well off man but he lives a party life and I’ve seen how he is care free with money.
    I am going to be a single Mum and financially it will be difficult for me until I’m back to working full time once the child is older. So I think the money will help in the first few years, particularly once childcare payments start. And once the child is in school and I won’t have childcare costs I could save the money for my child.
     
  7. JustTrying

    JustTrying Well-Known Member

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    Best of luck with it all. I am pregnant with first and dont have an ounce of a clue how difficult it will be but Im sure you will be fine x

    Personally maybe it's a pride thing but if the father isnt involved then I dont want his money either and I would do what I can within my own means. He and his money can stuff it however if things change in the future and he does want involvement, then money can be considered then.
     
  8. KHTW

    KHTW Well-Known Member

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    Once your baby is born and you realize how much it costs to raise a baby, you will most likely re-consider the pride thing. Money is money. You will want to give this baby everything! It takes two to make a baby so I'd say make him pay the maintenance.
     
    #8 KHTW, Nov 24, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2017
  9. millielaura

    millielaura Well-Known Member

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    He made this baby too so he should definitely pay! It was his choice to not be involved but that doesn't give him any right to get out of paying xxx
     
  10. JustTrying

    JustTrying Well-Known Member

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    If the father has no involvement and has expressed it from the beginning then you have consciously made the decision to raise the child alone. It does cost alot but as a single parent, why take into account someone elses income?
    It takes two to make a baby but if a party isnt obliging, you can't force them. Just the same way you can't stop a woman getting an abortion just because you are a father.

    Sorry not trying to offend but I personally wouldnt claim money, my child is not a commodity and we can all live within our means.
     
  11. millielaura

    millielaura Well-Known Member

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    The woman can't just walk away though and the father still has a legal obligation to have to provide for that child whether or not they want to be involved. Even if he isn't on the birth certificate you can go to court and prove he is and then he would have to pay xx
     
  12. millie227

    millie227 New Member

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    He didn’t express it from the beginning. When I initially told him he said he needed to process to decide. Asked me a couple of questions. He didn’t contact me for months, when I messaged him he ignored me and it wasn’t until last week when I messaged him again and got a response that was the first he’d told me he had made a decision and it was that he didn’t want to be involved. I had made the presumption through his lack of contact and then ignoring me that that would be his final decision though.

    I understand where you are coming from as that was how I felt to begin with, that if he didn’t want to be involved that was fine then I didn’t want anything from him.
    And it is a difficult decision and I can think of reason why he should and shouldn’t have to pay.

    As long as you’re not trying to imply that I’m thinking of my child as a commodity then no offence has been taken and I thank you for replying, I enjoy getting people’s view because my mind is lying in between the should and shouldnt I and it’s interesting to see what other people’s view are, particularly those in a same/similar situation
     
  13. millielaura

    millielaura Well-Known Member

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    I would want everything I could for my daughter ...everything is expensive now not matter how good an income you have on your own. Even if his money meant you could spend a little less of your own money on essentials for baby and put some into savings for their future instead. I'm guessing stuff like the housing market is just going to get more and more expensive and unattainable to many so yeah every little bit to support your child is worth it imo and if you feel you can manage without any financial support from him I would still claim it to use toward essentials and then if you have quite a bit of income yourself then to put into a savings account for the child when they are older. I also found before she was born my baby wasn't expensive but now she is nearly one it is getting more expensive and I heard things like Christmas gets more expensive as they get older, and entertainment for them. We spend a lot of the time doing stuff indoors and at the park but days out are nice too and they soon add up. As your child gets older there will be school costs, higher food bills etc also. It's a legal requirement... I know a girl who's ex has been dodging paying, they went to employer to get them directly from earnings and he ended up getting his employer to lie about him working there which obviously didn't match with hmrc and now they can get a court order for it to be taken from his account or by his possessions and if he keeos trying to dodge it and not pay his arrears it will go to court and it could even worst case scenario for him and in a custodial sentence. The law recognises that a biological father should financially support their child so I see absolutely nothing wrong with claiming support off him. You didn't make the baby on your own. You shouldn't feel guilty, the fact he doesn't want to be involved in his child's upbringing does not change the fact that he has a biological child. It's not just something you could of walked away from , men do have that choice but it shouldn't and doesn't mean they get out of all responsibility. Just my opinion anyway. I would just take all the help I can. Maybe he would even change his mind when the baby is born ..who knows. You have left it up to him..its not like you have deniedbhim access and parental rights and then coming after him for money..that would be wrong. But he has chosen not to be involved..youve done nothing wrong xxx
     
  14. candymycandy

    candymycandy Well-Known Member

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    I have zero understanding of the legalities but as the saying goes, it takes two to tango so from my perspective I think both parents should bear the financial responsibility. Really hope you can come to a resolution you’re happy with x
     
  15. JustTrying

    JustTrying Well-Known Member

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    thankyou so much for not taking this personally. It really isnt an attack, just a different perspective to the norm.

    I just think if he doesnt want any involvement and easy to push away an innocent child whos at no fault and missing out on a father figure due to his selfishness then why do I need his contribution towards any part of my childs upbringing. Their tiny bit of maintenance does not replace the void a child has from a parent missing from his/her life.

    I just don't understand how someone can shun away their own flesh and blood just like that. This child is going to hold his genes, is going to have certain mannerisms that match his father, his personality traits etc and he's happy to just let it go.

    Sorry, not trying to upset you, it just makes me angry.
     
  16. millielaura

    millielaura Well-Known Member

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    No it defo doesn't replace it but they still should provide financially. I don't understand how any one can not be involved with their child either. It disgusts me I just don't get it :( xxx
     
  17. JustTrying

    JustTrying Well-Known Member

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    I dont understand it at all either. heartbreaking to see
     
  18. mylullaby

    mylullaby Well-Known Member

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    Regardless of what any of us think, the father has a legal obligation to provide financially for his child - and in the eyes of the law, that is in no way linked to the contact he has with the child. Claim maintenance. If you can afford to live without it, put it all into a savings account and give it to your child when they’re older. Forget about pride or whatever else has been mentioned - why wouldn’t you want that money to go to your child when they are legally entitled to it?! As the resident parent, you will end up spending a far, far greater proportion of your income on raising this child. It’s also worth keeping in mind that your ex could pay you NOTHING and still turn round in X years time and requests access. Paying or not paying doesn’t affect your child’s right to a relationship with both parents- like I said, the two aren’t linked, so you might as well sort maintenance and use the money for your child, whether it’s for school uniforms and trips or to build up some savings for their future. Do everything through official channels, get everything formalised and good luck with your new baby. Xx
     
  19. millielaura

    millielaura Well-Known Member

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    Totally agree with mylullaby xx
     
  20. songbird

    songbird Well-Known Member

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    I agree with mylullaby on this
    I was in the same situation bio dad decided he wanted nothing to do with the baby from about 20 weeks pregnant and i wish i had gone for child maintenance because although i have lived within my means and she has never wanted for anything that little bit of extra money could have gone towards a extra treat or day trip or towards her school uniform which can be expensive.
    I didnt go for maintenance because i didnt have enough information about dad and thought it would have been to difficult.
    Im now married and my husband is in the process of adopting my daughter so even if i had gone for it it would be stopped when the adoption is done.

    In answer to your question they dont need to be on birth certificate to claim maintenance and it gives them no rights to the child if they are paying it
     

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