Ex taking me to court over access to baby

[KirstyL]

Although the baby isn't born yet! I'm only 17 weeks pregnant, but as some of you know, my ex left me at 11 weeks and in that time I've spent ages trying to persuade him to talk to me, to see me, to just spend time with me and for us to take things as they come, but he isn't interested.
Over the last few days, I've felt a lost worse about things, and have been texting him to try and resolve something..
He told me that I know where he lives and if I want to talk to go over, so I said I'd go round Monday night - suprise suprise he wasn't there! Doesn't say anything to me other than "I will see you, but only to see how the baby is, not with a view to us trying again" my point is that maybe atm he feels he doesn't want to try again, but how does he know he won't feel any different once the little man is here, he just says he knows how he feels, and he won't change his mind - it's like talking to a brick wall, I don't know what to do!
I didn't want and cannot afford to bring up a baby alone, especially not with all the changes this lovely new government have introduced!
I'm just angry because he made all these promises and then when things got a bit tough (mixture of hormones, behavaviour, depression) he upped and walked out on us.

He's saying he'll support me and help with the baby, but I need his support now, and he can't see that, he thinks I'll try and persuade him to come back (I suppose to a point he's right, because I love him), but this pregnancy has been a problematic one, and I need support, except yesterday he told me he'll be intouch when he has got the legal advice he needs to be able to see his son. I am at my wits end, I've had a banging headache for over 2 weeks now, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I'm scared to death that when my little boy is born, he's going to want to turn up and see him whenever he wants to. He text this morning and says he's beginning to hate me now, he doesn't have to justify anything (he said that in response to me telling him that he's hanging onto what happened as a reason to justify him leaving and not giving things another chance), then he said that he knows why he left, and he knows exactly why he doesn't want to try again with me. He's happy to meet me but he isn't coming to the house....

Sorry for the long post, and I know I'm whinging, but I really have had enough now.
xx

 

[wishuponastar]

Oh god, that sounds really stressful. What's happened to make it get to this stage? It's not like you're saying to him that he can't see the baby, if anything it's you trying to maintain the contact! I really hope the two of you can sit down and talk about this. All this stress won't be doing you or the baby any good. Big hugs honey.

xx

 

[Lou_1]

i was going to ask the same what actually happened to make it so bad?

He sounds like he has made his mind up and trust me coming from someone who tried a baby usually doesnt mend a relationship. My Ex and i thought our son wld make everything ok and the lack of sleep, Extra work and just general stresses of a baby makes things so hard and we split in first year (great friends now tho )

I can understand u not wanting to go through this alone but maybe ud be better going through the pregnancy with a member of ur family? a friend? and then once ur son is born u can re think how u feel and try work things out with ur ex.

I think him threatning u with court and legal action before the child is born is really pretty silly, since he hasnt bothered to sit and chat with you how does he know what u would even offer in regards to visiting rights. I know it must be so stressful for u but try ur best to relax and not worry u will end up ill hun u need to take care. xxxx

 

[KirstyL]

Right, what actually happened : I hope your sitting comfotably!
My dad died last January and it was unexpected and sudden. I didn't deal with it well, I didn'tt alk about it or anything, just closed it off inside me, him and I were very close and it hit me hard, and I felt guilty almost for not knowing it was as bad as it was, and i didn't do anything to help him - I know that I couldn't have stopped it, but still, that's how I felt. Then I met my ex and tried to pretend things were great, but I pushed him away, not intentionally but because I didn't know how to talk about how I was feeling, we didn't argue as such, but he did tell me that I wasn't talking to him, he didn't know how I felt, I was pushing him out etc, so each time he did that I made an effort to be different with him, but soon lapsed back to normal, this repeated a few times, and he told me he was leaving a few times, but never did. Before all this though, a couple of months into our relationship he left me because he was having "issues" with getting over his ex, but after 2/3 weeks he said he'd made a mistake and he came back, then our problems started with me pushing me away, think maybe trust and thinking he'd leave again....

We talked about having a baby, agreed it would be a good idea, that he'd move in properly and it'll all be fine (I forgot we don't live in a fairytale), fell pregnant really easily and really quickly, a matter of weeks as opposed to the few months we was expecting, and things were okay again for a while, but then my hormones kicked in, and I went back to treating him like I didn't care, and pushing him away - can I just say that I did care, even if I didn't show it how he wanted me to, and i loved him and still love him, very much. He told me he'd be moving in and giving up the lease on his flat and because I didn't jump for joy at the time he thought I wasn't bothered The following morning we got up and he assumed I was in a mood because I wasn't very chatty (wasn't feeling well, have had problem after problem with this little one) and decided in himself that if he didn't leave there and then he'd be unhappy forever, so he left. He did suggest counselling a few days before he left, but I stupidly said No straight away, and by the time I realised it would be a good idea, he'd gone.

Turns out I had depression from losing dad, so am having grief counselling now, and that combined with everything else, just meant I wasn't in a good place, but I'm working on that now, I'm nowhere near as bad as I was, and I keep trying to get him to give things another go, but he refuses to believe I'm different. I think he's hanging onto the past because it gives him justification to leave me and not feel bad about it.

So, its all a bit of a big mess!
xx

 

[LouLou1986]

think you need to concetrate o n you getting better and your baby, leave him to it as the damage is already done and will always get thrown back in your face if you got back together trust me, and as for the court stuff say fine fair enoth they will laugth at him considering baby isnt here yet

 

[KirstyL]

Haha, yeah I suppose they would wouldn't they!
Bit hard to arrange access on a baby that's still in my tummy, lol.
Just worried they will grant him unreasonable access - that's unreasonable in my eyes!
I don't want my baby leaving me overnight whilst he's so young, or at all really, but I know it will happen eventually I guess
Might have to look into such things myself just incase
xx

 

[mablestarr]

All sounds very stressful for you at the moment, and as others have said try and focus on yourself and the bump.
With regards to access if you were breasfeeding then baby would have to be with you most of the time and he could have access but with you there - just a thought.

 

[Lou_1]

Id agree with Lou u need to get urselfe back to normal b4 u can do anything else hun a u never know u might not need/want ur ex by the time ur little one here u might be a new u

As for the court my ex and i never went to court we sorted it out alone this works for me but now he wanting over night stays which i have never allowed as he pays no money for my son so he makes no rules so my advice is maybe in the FUTURE and when ur child is a few months an if u guys are staying seperated maybe its a good idea to do it all above board and have times/days in place. Wish u all the luck in sorting it all out concentrate on u and ur child xxx

 

[Emerald rose]

They wont let him have the baby overnight so dont worry about that.
If your breastfeeding you will need to be with baby most of the time anyway.
The way my ex worked things out with his ex was he sees them 3 times a week either at hers or in a public place (taking baby swimming or baby groups) and once a month they both stay over his so he can look after his daughter during the night.

 

[KirstyL]

With regards to access if you were breasfeeding then baby would have to be with you most of the time and he could have access but with you there - just a thought.

Hi Mablestarr - yes I was planning on breastfeeding, not to be difficult with access, but because of the benefits to baby, just hope it goes well, as it didn't with my first
xx

 

[KirstyL]

Lou_1 - thanks
He has just sent me a text actually, asking why it has to go through court, when I quite happily let my 10 year old daughter see her dad, and he was violent to me...well it wasn't me that suggested court!
You are all right, I should just let him be, do what he wants to do and forget about him for now, am a bit peeved he will miss the scans, won't be at antenatal classes with me, and won't be at the birth, but the way he's being currently, it's his own fault (i know that's harsh! I'm usually so nice) lol.

Will just have to take each day as it comes, and maybe, although not holding out much hope, he might come to his senses when little one makes his appearance.
xx

 

[cosmicgirl]

And remember it's him that will be missing out, not you hun xx

 

[midnight]

my advise would be to forget about trying to get back with him and concentrate on you and your baby if he wants to see his son then he can gain access through the courts but he will also then have to provide for his child if the courts decide to give him access then it will be strictly laid out when and what time he can have him

if you dont want him at the birth he has no right to be there either xx

 

[KirstyL]

Thanks midnight - I just feel so guilty and sit around in tears most of the time I know I messed up with him, I just don't see why he can't get past that, and look to the future with the baby and I, but there you go, it's obviously not that easy in his mind.
Its easier said than done leaving him be and not trying to get back with him, because of how I feel. He keeps saying things like "when the babies here, you won't feel like this and you'll let me help you" and "of course I won't want to leave when I see him, and I'll miss him like mad, but time will take care of these things like with all life's little upsets" what does he think this is?! I think it's more than a "little upset"!!
I don't want him at the birth, I feel bad because it's his first, but I don't think he has any right whatsoever to be there. I also would like to sort something out outside of court, but don't think it's going to be possible under these circumstances.
Thanks girls for all your help, it's good to know you are here anyway.
xx

 

[midnight]

just leave him be and if he starts giving you false hope ask him not to and if you are meant to be together you will be just not right now focus all your energy into yourself hun, if you want to settle out of court then you will need to sit down together and do a plan like when he can see him when he can have him over and how much he is going to give you each week

my eldest 2 dad doesnt bother with his kids but is forced to pay through the csa yet my dd dad he sees her when he can when he isnt working at weekends and he picks up and i drop off or visa versa and he pays me by direct debit and he has never missed a payment

so it can work out by not going through the courts but you both have to be level headed and not let emotions for each other get in the way of it