Advice please

[KirstyL]

Straight to the point, no point beating around the bush....shall I leave my partner?
Basically, we split up, he came back about 3 or 4 weeks ago, but I'm 100% sure it's only because of the baby, (coz he said he wouldn't have come back if I wasn't pregnant) although he says he wants us to work out...

Well he isn't working atm, so he's under pressure of finding a job, we don't live together, but currently see each other about 4 or 5 times a week, all we've done since he's been back, intimacy wise, is cuddles & kisses, not that sex is that important, but it'd be nice!!

Anyway, he wasn't himself yesterday, so I asked him if he's okay, and he said he's fine, but there's no point telling me, cause I don't believe anything he says anyway...(I'm just wary cause he left before), we are treading on egg shells around each other, and not relaxing properly, it's horrible. I just spoke to him at lunch, and he said he'd love to be with someone he clicks with, but he isn't, and we haven't got anything in common, so he's trying to make the best of a bad situation, that we have to work hard at making it work, and in the end it either will or won't Well, doesn't fill me with a lot of hope!

I love him to bits and I went mad when he left last time, but I feel like I'm trapping him somehow..and have to be really careful about what I say, incase I "push" him, or say something he doesn't like (he's very sensitive). Just don't know what to do for the best, it's all a big mess! For a change, lol.

But on the bright side, the suns out and its a beautiful day and weekend ahead!!
xx

 

[Emerald rose]

Im sorry its not working out the way you hoped.
Maybe you both need to have a sit down and talk about the future.
I really hope you sort things out. you deserve to be happy with someone who loves you as much as you love them.

 

[i.love]

very sorry to hear that hun.

I agree with Emerald rose - the best thing for you to do is probably to try to talk openly about things. Relationships need to be based on trust and respect. Even if there is no spark anymore, you should still talk openly to each other. Maybe promise him that you will believe anything he says and are not going to judge him, you just want to know what he feels/thinks.

Even if you are not going to stay together later, it is important to try to keep good relationships for the little one's sake.

And take it easy, don't rush with decisions. Whatever you decide now, there is a big chance that the arrival of the baby will change things dramatically, one way or the other.

 

[wookie]

oh dear it doesn't look too promising to be honest..neither of you are happy about the situation and personally I wouldn't want to be with somebody who makes me feel like I'm trapping him..I can't see much of a future for you two as it stands ,it sounds horrible sorry but the truth is having a baby is going to put even more pressure on your couple and it's just going to get harder and harder for you to tip toe around him..it's not fair on either of you if you can't be yourselves around each other or even trust each other..I have no doubt that your baby will get the love he needs from both of you but maybe it's time to move on ..

 

[KirstyL]

Thanks guys, sitting down and talking about the future is the one thing he can't or won't do atm, he says that us talking doesn't solve anything, and that it'll either work out one way or the other, which of course is true, but doesn't help when I'd like to know where we stand.

I know when baby comes, things will be a lot harder, which is why it needs sorting out now, there isn't long left He says he doesn't want to leave, and I don't want him to leave, it's just finding a way to make it work, and all he says is that sometimes in relationships, you have to work at them to make them work - he has a point I guess. We are just very different people, he's realistic, and I like everything to be fluffy and happy.

Communication is definately the way, I know that, its just being able to speak openly to him, without the fear that he's going to walk out if I say something he doesn't like Oh dear!!
xx

 

[twilly]

Oh what an awful situation for you x
What struck me, is that you have to be careful what you say, yet he says things things to you, that although he is just being honest, must really hurt.
Didn't want to read and run, I know what i would do in this situation, but we are all different and you will in time find whats best.
I've heard people say that relationships are hard work, but i'm not sure I agree that they have to be.
On the whole you should be wanting the same things and harmonious for things to work.
Hope you get things worked out x

 

[KirstyL]

haha, yeah it isn't the best yeah I do watch what I say, and a lot of the time, just don't mention things that I'm thinking about, incase it starts an argument, or something, some of the stuff he says hurts, but if its how he's feeling, its best I know, as much as I don't like hearing it.
Oh I know, I know 100% that I should call it a day now, before it drags on and it's more painful, but I don't want to have to do that, because I do believe we can be happy together, I'm just struggling to make that happen at the moment.
I don't agree either hun, I don't think relationships have to be hard at all, I think they should be fun and exciting, but if we don't "click" then that's probably why that isn't there, I just don't think we can force it to be there
Ultimately we do want the same thing, to be happy together, as a family, knowing we get on, can have a laugh, don't argue every day etc, but it's getting there atm that's the hard bit
I'm sure things in life are meant to challenge us!
xx

 

[LilyMac]

Ah chick what a horrible situation to be in
I went through something similar with my oh before bubba was born and it just got worse an worse and worse up to the point where I couldn't even manage to get out of bed each day because I was that miserable. When A was born it did bring us closer together but it didnt last more than two weeks so after a bit we decide to call it a day... We still saw eachother everyday as I couldn't bare for him to miss out on a single thing and the more time we spent together without the pressure of a relationship the better we got on iykwim? Until eventually we realised we are so in love with eachother we'd just forgotten how to be together happily. Anyway, we got back together a couple of months ago and things have been amazing ever since
Obviously everyone is different and something that works for one couple might not work for others but just wanted to tell my story so that you know you're not the only one and if it's meant to be it will be, stay strong and most importantly keep calm about everything, whether it works or doesn't you will still have a gorgeous little boy that will love you unconditionally and you will get through it, I promise x

 

[BabysMomma]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Seems like all he wants is a fantasy relationship...all relationships require hard graft and compromise. Its all good and well finding someone you "click" with but it still takes both to work at it.

Communication is important and a must in a relationship. It can be quite hard communicating by talking to each other. Why not try other forms of communication...like writing a letter to each other, texting or emailing? Set out how you both feel and what you both want out of the relationship. It takes the pressure of face to face communication as that can be off putting and people can find it hard. At the end of the day, being honest to one another is the only way to sort it.

I hope you both can work through it. x

 

[HeppiBean]

I'm sorry you're going through something like this hun. If I were in your shoes I think I'd just have to put my foot down and say how you feel... And make a huge point that you do have a baby on the way so you really do need to talk... Even if one of you doesn't like what is said... When it comes down to it, yes, sometimes relationships can be hard work, and the stress and emotions tied along with having a baby certainly doesn't help from what I've seen. But in the long run, it's either meant to be, or it's not... And only you two can work that one out...

I hope you get everything sorted out hun, one way or the other...

Best of luck

xx

 

[emmaandamyleigh]

sorry to hear wht your going thru but i think you shud think whats best for baby yes it nice to have both parents bring up baby but two parents that arent getting on isnt good its going to be alot more stressful when baby arrives and your scared of upsetting him or incase anything starts an arguement but if theres a problem now theres going to be a problem when baby arrives what going to happen if you say hes doing something wrong with baby or hes not doing it right is he gonig to walk out in a huff or if you correct him on something? you do need to stand up to him thou and tell him how you feel i do to my OH if he doesnt like well then he knows where to go hes going to have to man up sometime hes going to be a dad and baby can pick up on tension when he/she is born i understand things will be tough. i also noticed in your first post that you spoke to him and he said he'd love to be with someone he clicks with, but he isn't, and we haven't got anything in common. why say something like that then also say he doesnt want to leave you. to me it feels like hes with you for baby sake to help look after him/her. not being nasty but did you ask him what he meant by it im just tried to understand things he said if my OH said something like this to me id ask him what he meant you do need to talk to him though aout everything what he really wants and also tell him what you want but also think whats best for baby aswell i hope you get it sorted

 

[KirstyL]

Hi Lovelies,
Sorry I haven't replied before now, have no internet at home, and my phone won't let me reply?! Weird!
Yeah I do need to talk to him, just feels like when things are going good (we had a lovely weekend), why bring all this rubbish up and rock the boat again I know it needs to be done though, it can't carry on like this, like you say, no good for us, and definately no good for when bubs arrives.
What he said about us not clicking, and having nothing in common did hurt, and I don't know why he said it, cause surely if that's how he really feels, then we should split up and deal with the baby together, but not us as a couple, I'd hate to think that I'm "trapping" him because he feels bad about bubs. Although, saying that, he did say before that he would never be with someone just for the baby because that would never work.
I suppose, at the end of the day, all we can do is try and work at it, be honest with each other, don't bottle things up, and hope things work out for the best. The problem atm, is a lot of things have been said, by both of us, and his parents, and we are still cautious around each other, once we get past that (hopefully) we should be fine.....or is that wishful thinking
xx