end of the road for me

[Tiffy]

That doesn't mean you could never have a baby. A child is worth it.

 

[jenna]

so sorry hun

 

[floppit]

Breezee - if a medical professional tells you you're chances are decreasing you need to to ask 'From what - to what'? Just saying that they are decreasing tells you nothing at all - they could be in the high 80%'s but have decreased by 5%.

Also, I was chatting with my midwife about whether supporting a pregnancy with progesterone in the early months to avoid miscarriage is done with people - she said YES, very commonly after more than one miscarriage and that it does have a significant success rate. It's used both with IVF and with natural conceptions.

Having said all of the above I still think if you and your partner really want to stop and perhaps deal with not having a child then I think that's a valid decision. I had a LOT of people arguing with me for doing that when most of them didn't really understand what we faced and I wasn't going to tell them. It's not always a knee jerk or emotional reaction, it can be a good decision and it doesn't mean losing all hope, just aiming to live life well as a couple (in our case who weren't likely to have kids).

I certainly wouldn't accept that kind of vague 'non' information from doctors - not even if there were 10 of them never mind 4!! Telling you your chances decrease may be accurate but without any scale it's totally useless to base decisions on.

 

[DebbieM]

I'm so sorry to hear this

 

[muppetmummy]

Maybe you should take some time out from ttc and get some counselling. You've been through a really difficult time with this happening again, it will take time for the pain to heal.
Maybe see how you feel in a few months

 

[breezee1984]

they told me my chances decrease by 10% with each miscarriage, which means i now pose only a 60% chance of carrying a term child im so scared and sad as i have to have a d&c and they wont let me keep the remains which i think is complete bull..its my child i want the pieces goddamnit!!
and i called for counseling and they said to me, why are you calling us, thats something you deal with on your own.....such is life i suppose

 

[okiegirl]

im so sorry..i havent been on for a few days n to come on tohear this news is awful. plese dont give up as it will happen for u one day even though it doesnt seem like it now

 

[breezee1984]

im just so torn up inside its starting to show on the outside...my father in law keeps asking me why i look so horrible and i dont even answer

 

[DebbieM]

Perhaps you can find some private counselling? I know here in the UK there are a lot of organisations that will help you just by talking over stuff like that. I do think some time out will do you some good though as others have said.

This site may be of use to you since you are in the USA: http://dailystrength.org/support/Womens ... Stillbirth

I'm sure UK sites will be open to you as a member too though:

http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

Sorry if I am talking out of turn here, just trying to offer you some support.

 

[floppit]

they told me my chances decrease by 10% with each miscarriage, which means i now pose only a 60% chance of carrying a term child im so scared and sad as i have to have a d&c and they wont let me keep the remains which i think is complete bull..its my child i want the pieces goddamnit!!
and i called for counseling and they said to me, why are you calling us, thats something you deal with on your own.....such is life i suppose

I have to say I'm still really concerned about the way information is being presented to you. My GP agreed with me that my odds of keeping this pregnancy were about 60% - the same as you suggest. BUT that was for THIS pregnancy not a end percentage of ever having a child. For other reasons I know TRYING to concieve is not for me, it's one thing to come off the pill but that's it, because of age and general likelyhood the chances of a second pregnancy aren't great either, after all it was a year before I conceived this time!

But here's the thing - if you start with the same odds as me for a pregnancy, you also have time on your side, time for them to figure out what's happening, time for your own body to change (getting fitter etc?), more to the point time for a further pregnancy.

I used to work on a stud farm (horses), we dealt with making baby horses on demand - only nature doesn't work that way! In MOST cases we had to help nature by using hormones on the mare, altering the sperm (adding food and antibiotic to the sperm to prolong sperm life) BUT sometimes the answer was to send the mare back and suggest owners forgot about it for a year or two. that last solution OFTEN worked. The mare would mature a little more, fully adult but add in maturity and mares can calm down alot and cycle better. That was what I was talking to the midwife about and she said most ALL of the things I remember we did with horses are done successfully with people.

You obviously concieve fairly easily, at least in comparison to those who need alot of help getting that far - perhaps your body works a little too well in that respect, meaning more of your eggs are given a chance (albeit a slimmer one) than some women's? Who knows but these are things you need time to talk about accurately and openly with someone who can give you information in a usable form.

Giving yourself a year off, your body chance to recover and keep changing (I'm in my late 30's but my body still matures), take the pressure off yourself to succeed, enjoy your partner and the value in what you have, be ABLE to take what happens as it comes without feeling like all is lost are all VERY hard tasks but all significant in seeing the future in a more positive light.

I am in no way trying to pretend I understand the grief for a lost pregnancy - I DON'T but I'm listening to what you say and how YOU feel and about how you feel regarding continuing to try.

What I pick up on is that right now you want to stop, but you're upset not just over what's happened but also with what that might mean in the future - is that right? Unfortunately for all of us the future is something which may hold grief, but it holds wonderful things too and being able to keep hold of the good times is just about the only way to get through the rough.

I do know what it's like to live with a dangling sword over things people take for granted and although I never imagined I'd get to the place where I could say this; while I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I also wouldn't trade it with anyone because it has taught me to open my eyes and see life differently. Something I believe is uniquely precious.

 

[breezee1984]

if i take a year off im liable to go insane knowing i dont have a child and neither does my 30 year old husband

 

[Babylicious]

The support out in the states sounds awful - my SIL had 5 miscariages and now has two healthy children, she got no help either

 

[kimmumof2]

im so sorry to hear this and i agree the support and advice offered to you sounds appalling. my nan had 8 consecutive miscarriages and then 2 healthy boys within a yr of each other (my dad and uncle) so it is possible. i hope you get more support becus you need it at such a time.

xxxx

 

[floppit]

if i take a year off im liable to go insane knowing i dont have a child and neither does my 30 year old husband

It's ok to change your mind - in a way I'm glad you feel better with carrying on than you did on page 1, despite still grieving. I reckon it would be worth really hunting down somebody decent for medical help. It does sound like you absolutely need to get a doc who's clear and supportive of your choices.

I agree with a all the others here as well that have mentioned counselling - I tell you I'd be bouncing off the walls bonkers if I hadn't had real counselling through some stuff. It's sensible to look after yourself and that includes getting some emotional help if you can - I know it's something previous generations didn't have but that's true of alot of things that are very real valid and helpful these days.

 

[Steelgoddess]

It sounds to me you need a good old cry and a break away somewhere... Atm i get the impression you are angry, and that i can complety understand hon, but you can't go on like this otherwise you will make yourself ill...

Give yourself time to grieve and never say never with regards to hving another go at ttc, im here if u need me

xx

 

[breezee1984]

i learned with my last miscarriage that councelors here in the states are NOT helpful with these sort of things...they have told me pretty much to just deal with it by myself and not bother them, and my current doc wont give me any m eds for depression so im screwed

 

[Steelgoddess]

i learned with my last miscarriage that councelors here in the states are NOT helpful with these sort of things...they have told me pretty much to just deal with it by myself and not bother them, and my current doc wont give me any m eds for depression so im screwed

Thats terrible! how have you found them? What about therapy, its a bit more money then counselling but i think its worth it at this time hun, you need somewhere u can go and talk and take the strain off your shoulders... What about other support have u spoken with ur OH or your family??

xx

 

[breezee1984]

at the moment DH is the only one giving me ANY support

 

[floppit]

i learned with my last miscarriage that councelors here in the states are NOT helpful with these sort of things...they have told me pretty much to just deal with it by myself and not bother them, and my current doc wont give me any m eds for depression so im screwed

Hi,

What about changing doctor? I don't know how easy or hard that is in the US but I have some pretty tough cookie American friends who I'd be happy to ask how you do it on your behalf.

here's a list of counsellors in Oregon:
http://www.babybluesconnection.org/reso ... seling.htm

There's a few of them that specialise in fertility issues and lost pregnancies so I doubt they would just tell you to sort it out yourself. Judging by some of the treatment you've had so far I would suggest only using a counsellor who belongs to a professional body like the LCSW, that way you have some come back if they fail to act ethically. I'd be highly suspicious of those who claim experience rather than any qualifications.

I'm guessing the 1984 bit of you user name is your age? Is that right? I might offend one or two folk here by saying 23 is very young, but it is and chances are 10 years later anyone offended now would be agreeing. It doesn't mean you are any less capable or able than a 40 yr old! (Except you have more time on your side...) BUT it does mean that these rough parts of life are that little bit newer to you than they will be in the future. All of us need time to learn how to deal with things - there's no way round that, so the less time you've had the harder it can hit. It also means that chances are some doctors etc treat you differently (they get a little more nervous of old farts!!), you might find it helpful to gather your thoughts and write things down before you see a doctor, be clear about what the problem is and what support you would like to receive and then listen to their alternative suggestions too. If you leave an appointment and still have questions put them in a letter to your doc, give it time to arrive and then book another appointment taking a copy of what you wrote - tick off the questions to make sure you get them all answered.

Last of all do you have any assertiveness classes near you? I know they are often seen as a bit odd, and I have to admit they used to BE a bit odd, but in recent years things have changed and they're really quite good at training you in how to be clear about how you feel and what you want without feelings of intimidation or anger sidetracking you.

Right now you must be so emotionally sore and dizzy - and it must seem like a small mountain to even make contact with somebody who may be able to help properly (rather than insensitive numbnuts like me!!) but getting help is just about the only way to get through this learning any faster. Whatever you feel is real and yours and so is the task of learning how to deal with it - but with the latter there are people skilled to give you a little coaching and be there to listen when it seems too hard.

 

[breezee1984]

i only have 1 issue with that....
they want me to go throgh a nurse education class on pregnancy every time i switch doctors and i might go crazy if i have to sit in a room with a bunch of heavily pregnant women.
and at th moment i have learned that no one else in my area is taking new patients so im stuck with the horrible witch from hell