Dont know how to feel . .

[p1nk11]

I really thought that I was starting to feel a bit better the last few days, been able to think of things & not get upset but now I'm right back where I started & am writing this through tears

Last night OH & myself went out to a comedy club with 4 friends to see Lee Evans as our Valentine/anniversary treat & were staying over friends for the night to carry on the party, I was really looking forward to this as it was my first night out since everything happened. Everything was great, Lee Evans was amazing as he always is, enjoyed a bottle of wine & lots of laughs & then it all went downhill

The last comedian that came on stage started telling jokes about women & labour, & was talking with the audience about their experience & how its the most amazing thing when you hold your baby for the first time, at this point I burst into tears & ran to the toilets screaming & shaking. I must of been looking upset before this as my friend had been sat holding my hand tightly from the time the jokes began I couldnt hold back the tears as all I could think about was the first time I held our baby. We left once I had calmed down & went back to the house & had a few drinks but I just felt so sad & guilty as I felt I ruined everyone else's night because I couldn't hold in my tears. I apologised to everyone who told me not to be silly but I still feel really bad. I was awake all night crying & thinking of our little girl.

And then tonight my mum phoned to see if I'd had a good night so told her details (leaving out about crying) for her to then say she has some good news - my 'sister' (very close friend who my parents think of another daughter) is 9wks pregnant! I know I should be happy for her & I really am, but I feel so jealous & sad at the same time ( & hugely guilty for this too) I managed to sound cheerful on the phone but as soon as I hung up I burst into tears. My mum was so cheerful when she told me - I know this is silly (& probably sounds selfish) but it really hurt! I know she never meant it to. When I told OH he just told me to be happy & not get upset

I really think life is against me at the mo, I want my baby back but everyone else seems to be having theirs. Theres so much going on in my head, I feel so low right now I dont know how to pick myself back up, I just wish I could make everything disappear.

 

[Cazza]

Oh sweetheart......

After all you've been through I'm not suprised this upset you.

Take it one day at a time, time does help.........eventually.

xxxx


A very good friend of ours announced she is PG today on FB and how wonderful at her age, 40 like me, she is to be preggers..........good job it was on FB as it meant I could run away from the pooter and have a few tears, if she was in front of me I'd have probably slapped her!!! I blame my hormones!!

 

[Butterflykisses]

The loss of a child is something that takes time to come to terms with. Understandable that when a comedian starts making jokes about pregnancy and labour that it would hit hard. You were with friends who are totally going to understand you getting upset. Look after yourself and as Cazza said take one day at a time. You will get there. xxx

Cazza, the week of my MMC a friend announced her pregnancy on FB. I already knew she was pregnant and due the week I would have been but reading on FB hit so so hard. DH was at work and I had no one to turn to so the tears came and wouldn't stop. That made me think that if I am fortunate enough to fall pregnant again would I announce on FB?????

 

[heartbroken]

Oh hunni .. What an idiot that comedian was, i can toatally understand and if i was there i would burst out crying aswell.. Your friends sound like true friends who are there for you, im sure they wouldnt want you to feel guilty. My OH sister is pregnant and she hasnt told us yet, she told my OH's brother on new years eve (while drinking & smoking in front of us). When we were told i cryed and cryed my heart out. She knew what we were going through and she was trying for a baby! It does hurt to hear other people are pregnant and if im being honest i do get jelouse, i wish i didnt feel like that. I think with men they dont show there feelings and dont let things like that bother them. Im exactly the same i think that im dealing with the loss of our baby boy better and then one day it hits me and feel like im back to the first day my baby was taken from us. Grief is the worst thing to go through. But i bet your little angel wouldnt want to see you upset. xx

 

[Princess81]

Oh sweetheart I know just how it feels to think u are ok and the slightest thing can set you off, especially if it's something related to your trauma. Someone on radio 1 made a joke about swine flu one day and I was horrified as it's what killed my sister. I suppose no matter what thing people chose to make jokes about, someone is going to be tormented over it. As for pregnancies as it's something that is always going on around us it is a very bittersweet pill to swallow. Allow yourself to have your bad days, grief is better out than in as it could manifest itself as something else instead. I'm sure your friends totally understood why you were so upset, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Lots of love to you xxx

 

[Laura_C]

Big hugs sweetie, I've PM'd ya xxx

 

[p1nk11]

you guys are so kind thank you for your kind words x

I pm'd my friend on FB to congratulate her (as no one knows yet) to get a message back saying she has her first scan in 2wks & will post the pics on FB started the tears all over again someone really needs to call a plumber to stop the leak in my eyes!!!

 

[Binzy]

Oh bless you, who wouldn't have burst into tears after all you've been through!
Your lucky to have such nice friends around you. Big hugs xx

 

[darkmage]

I can feel you, p1nk11... I too underwent that road before, I had 2 MCs and it was like hell for me. I ended up having to quit my job that time since I was so depressed and I just don't want to do anything. But later on, I learned to accept it and just move on. I t actually helps especially if your partner is so supportive.

better luck to us, next time.

 

[cosmicgirl]

I don't (personally) think it is something you ever "get over", I think you just learn to live with it a little better. xx

 

[Laura_C]

Cosmicgirl is right, you will find your new kind of 'normal' - I'm still trying to find that too but I know in time it will come. I will never be the person I was before, as this experienced has changed my whole outlook. It will take time to adjust to that I suppose

Some days I can't see it happening at all and others I see that light at the end of the tunnel. I know it's there, I just have to find my way slowly but surely. Xxxx

 

[Princess81]

Yeh grief isn't something you get over, ever. I think it's something you have to encompass as part of your life, and move on with your life with that as part of it. It won't go away, but people keep saying that time helps, not quite so sure about that, I suppose maybe it gives you chance to try to get your head round it xx

 

[p1nk11]

So I'm writing this through again - its my own fault for watching 'one born every minute' but i'm addicted to it & you know what - I'm more determind than ever that it will happen for us, Ava needs a little brother or sister. I just need to make sure I look after myself & stay positive. (I'm trying to have a PMA instead of PMS) We all deserve our little ones & it's going to happen!!!!

I don't know how it will get easier but I've spoken to a couple of people who have been through this & they promise me it does - if they can get through it so can I . you girls are so supportive , your amazing xxx

 

[Laura_C]

It will happen lovely, Ava will have a little brother or sister

 

[tinselcat]

Hi p1nk

So sorry to hear that your night out was spoiled by one "comedian". I think your reaction is absolutely natural, it takes quite a lot of time to come to terms with losing a child/baby and any related words/circumstances can be a grief-trigger.

Your friend holding your hand sounds lovely. If I'd been in her(?) position sitting there listening to things, all I would have been thinking of was that I hope you were ok, not "oh p1nk is ruining my evening". So please believe everyone when they didn't think you had any need to apologise.

Shame your mum wasn't more sensitive about the way she told you.

With people around you getting pregnant it is hard to balance not wanting to rain on their parade/spoiling their happiness/wanting to feel pleased for them while at the same time being forced to confront your overwhelming grief at the situation. It doesn't help when people who are expecting keep going on about baby-related things and it feels like they're really rubbing your nose in it. They don't mean to, but every time the subject is raised it hurts.

Please go easy on yourself and I hope your distress will become less raw as time goes on.

xx

 

[p1nk11]

Thanks tinselcat I spoke to my friend about the night out & she told me she was getting upset herself (she has been ttc for nearly 4yrs even had clomid but no success & was at the hospital with us everyday when it happened) & was ready to jump up on the stage & him.

Pregnant friend has her scan on friday & I know she will be posting the pic on FB Think I'm going to stay off it that day lol. I'm already thinking about when I get to have scan again - stupid as we have to wait til May before we can even think about ttc

 

[tinselcat]

Oh your poor friend People can be so blindly insensitive about these things!

Also wish pregnant people didn't feel the need to show everybody their scans - particularly when they set the scan as a profile pic on facebook. Ok it is one way to let everybody know 'the happy news' but it's a bit in-your-face for the large (25% ?) percentage of the population whose own experience is less happy.

I may be joining you in May TTC but want to wish you good luck and lots of until that time, I'm sure one day (hopefully in the near future!) you'll be getting your own scan again! xxx

 

[p1nk11]

I think there are quite a few of us starting ttc in May so we'll have lots of support xxx

 

[amandapanda]

Awww hun don't feel bad for your reactions, they are all normal and you may not believe it but you are actually doing really well!! I remember when my best friend rang to tell me she was pregnant, I started crying and blurted out 'I've just had a miscarriage' - I mean how bad is that??? I ruined her happy moment!! She was lovely about it and I guess that's why she is my best friend!!! At least you managed to wait until after the call to have your tears, so don't feel so bad!!

Sounds like your grief is at a stage of 1 step forward, 2 steps back which is completely normal - as others say, just take each day at a time, the good ones and the bad ones, that's all you can do xxxxx

 

[p1nk11]

It just feels like everytime I seem to be coping & doing ok, something happens that knocks me back even further & now people keep asking me when I'm going back to work - but I don't feel ready & it feels to me that everyone else thinks I should be going back soon Maybe they are right? If my baby was alive they wouldn't be saying it - I'm still entitled to take this time off (i'm on maternity leave which seems strange!) so why shouldn't I x