dont know what to feel

[tracey 2]

this is all random stuff proberly going no where but im having an extreamely hard time at the moment trying to come to terms with everything and sorting things out.

im just sick and tired of everything and everyone telling me i will get over this and to be strong because my girls would want me to be strong (im not aiming this at anyone on here) and yes maybe in time it might get easier and i might start to move on a little and i have to beleive that because it hurting so much right now, i feel so bad for posting sometimes really because you have all heard it all before and you all supprt me so much more than i deserve and like iv said before im not looking for replies maybe couple hugs but just to get it all off my chest.

i know im not the only one on here with problems and dealing with things badly and i feel so selfish for posting sometimes and talking about this as much as i really want to i just cant because if i start talking to someone about my girls i feel i have to stop because others get upset and i feel i have to then be the strong one and say its ok and support them

but now im so fed up of trying to be strong and not talk about my girls its not healthy and i should do more sometimes but then they niggling feeling that people only listen to me because they feel sorry for me but then dont want to know the details and everything in a way its hard because iv had to go through a while carying them then to suddenly lose them hit me so hard but then i should feel proud i met my girls even if it only was briefly, see i told you none of this makes sense but to me it does.

i nearlt ended up cutting myself last week but i did and that something i feel so proud of myself i cant say i will never cut again but being able to hold back and stop myself it was good to finally start to have that will power there,

i have a couple of really great mates and some lovely colleagues who i can talk to in a way but not too much if you know what i mean i feel im putting on them and i dont want anyone to ever feel like that and of course i have you girls on here who i feel i can really talk to some of you and sometimes i feel so bad for calling or texting or just messaging on here because they could be having their own worries and i dont want to disturb anyone or intrude too much and that way iv always been unless someone has said to me right ok whats wrong and really made me talk i dont make the first move often to talk and that something i wish i could do is pick up the fone and call someone if im low.

at the moment i dont see the point in life i mean life has thrown nothing but s**t at me and im wondering whether to continue much more really truely am feeling that way and it scares me bacuse iv come so close couple times to taking an overdose so i can be where i belong with my girls and thats how im feeling tonight i cant sope much more i want all this to stop right now, yes some days are better than others but today is one of those black days and no one can pull meout of it all.

why am i still feeling the hurt so much still so strong right now why am i only truely starting to grieve now after almost a year i just dont know what to do. im sorry girls for this post i just cant go on anymore

thank you for all the support you have given me i appreciate it really do and i have made some wonderful friends on here and i just need to try get through these next couple days if i can

 

[*sara*]

Firstly i want to give you some of these
I know that ive not spoken to you on here, apart from maybe to answer a thread, and i know you have people on here you speak to but if you ever want someone else to chat to im here, Im very happy to listen
Im so sorry your having a black day but i hope the sun will shine again soon xxx

 

[Tina & Gabs]

Always here for you hun

 

[Tracey S]

Tracey,

hugs for you I know this is such a difficult time. I know we have talked in the past and you know where I am if you need to vent. If you pm me I will give you my mobile number and msn addy

I know exactly where you are coming from when you say that you feel you have to be strong for others, I felt like that, it was like I had to be like that because other people found it almost embarrasing, and I was covering up for their feelings by being 'strong'. I have realised now that you cant be like that, you dont have to be strong, you have suffered a terrible loss and you are the one who needs to be supported espeicially at this time.

I dont know if this will comfort you or not, but your girls would not want this for you, They are always with you, and they will be watching over their new brother/sister, they will want their Mummy to be looking forward to the new baby coming and will want you and their Daddy to be ready. I have told you before that I truly believe my daughter Heidi has sent the new baby to us and part of her will live on in him. Chloe and Carrie Ann will live on in your new baby, you need to take care of yourself for all of their sakes.

I have been thinking about you this last few days, the clouds WILL begin to lift and you WILL start to feel like you can move forward. Dont put a time limit on grief, it will take as long as it takes, I am here for you whenever you need to talk

Love and hugs

Tracey xx

 

[Slinky Sarah]

Im sorry i havent been around hun

i truely want you to talk to me about your girls. you can tell me anything and everything about them.
i am here day and night for you as is everyone else.

love you to pieces hunny and im not gonna lose you to anything ok. i will be strong for you right now lean on me whenever you need to.

all my love darling xxx

 

[Snuggle]

Tracey, I'm not good at this as I havent suffered your kind of pain but I want to send my love and hugs to you. May your days get brighter hun

 

[shelleyb]

Tracey

Im really sorry your feeling so down - what you have been through is horrific. I m/c in July and Sept this year and finding it hard asking why me!! Will I ever have a baby?? I knows it hard. And like you have I ahve good friends and colleagues but feel they don't totally understand.

If you want to talk im here for u. xxx

 

[DaisyRose]

Hi Tracey,

Haven't been on here for a while but really pleased to see you're expecting, congratulations.

I haven't been through what you have (my loss was very painful but it was also very early - I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to lose at 22 weeks). Just wanted to say though, I'm really not surprised you're feeling like this - you're grieving for the girls you've lost and at the same time you've got another LO growing which must be terrifying (I know I was beside myself with worry in the early weeks after previously miscarrying). It's like you daren't get too attached in case the same thing happens again, and there's also the guilt thing - I mean I kept thinking of the LO that we lost, and how unfair it was that he/she never got a chance at life, yet there I was, pregnant again only 3 months later, like it had never happened!!! In the end, the way I dealt with it was through the plant I'd bought in memory of the lost LO. It's thriving in the corner of our living room - growing bigger and bigger everyday. It sounds really daft but I talk to it occasionally; when I was expecting Ruby I saw it as a symbol of her growth and well being. I'm not religious or anything but I see our Baby Babaloon as Ruby's guardian angel. If I could I'd have both of them for the world but sadly I can't change the past - and all any of us have got really, is the present.

All I can say is take care of yourself, all the very best with your pregnancy and do allow yourself to grieve as much as you need to for your two girlies - they'll always be with you.

 

[mum2A&L]

oh tracey.
There are no words i can type that will make this all go away. I can only return the offer of if you ever need a chat feel free to contact me


I have such respect for you! to have gone though that you have and still be standing i find completely amazing! you say you are sick of people telling you to be strong, but from where i stand you are already incredibly strong!!! i really don't think i could have found the strength in myself to do anything. You are an amazing, strong woman, and not only that, regardless of how you feel, you are always helping and supporting others. Ive really not said thank you enough for the offers of chats you have given me, i really appreciate it. just knowing people like you and the rest of the girls on here where here for me if i need you has got me through some dark days.


I don't feel grieving is something you will ever recover from. as time moves on, and life throws more opportunities / problems at you it becomes less of a major factor in your head. Your girls will never leave you, they will always be watching over you and your family


I think its healthier to talk about them than bottle emotions up - even if it takes years and years. Maybe start a diary - write down your feelings every day, get it off your chest. Paper listens and take in everything you want to say without complaining.


unfortunately life throws s**t at us to make the good times a thousand times better. its just you have taken more than your fair share of crap As for hurting yourself - i seem to remember you have had counseling in the past - is this something you could/would want to start again? i know it helped me.


sorry thats mostly waffle, its still to early to think right (im making the most of A having a very early morning nap). The offer of a chat is always there lovely