Marriage suffering - we had a talk and found the reason...

[Julia]

Hi girls

I wrote a week ago to say that our marriage is suffering since we had the baby. We went on hoiday for a week and had a lovely time as a family. BUT me and DH had a few drinks on the first night and had a chat (with laughs) about the situation of him not coming anywhere near me...this is what he said: that since I have had the baby he feels that my body belongs to her - he would not be able to think of my boobs in a sexual way because I breastfed and they were meant for the baby. He also said that he could not have oral sex FROM me because he could not stand then seeing me kiss my little girl after knowing that I had just performed oral sex on him!! He said that he was still very much attracted to me but could not get these things out of his head. He said that couples sex lives of our age (!!) was not every night anyway!! (Which I know but once a fortnight would be good.

I feel that I have got to the root of the problem but don't know how to overcome it. I think that his views are strange and I don't know if I can live the rest of my life without a sexual relationship. It is even making me feel really sexually attracted to other men - which is dangerous. I did not tell him this part because I did not want to ruin our first holiday with the baby together - this will have to be said over the next week - SLOWLY< SLOWLY!!!!

What do you girls think??
(By the way, I have lost alot of my pregnancy weight and always make an effort with my appearance and clothes etc so I don't feel that I have gone drastically down hill in any way - it is his problem!!!

Julia xxxx

 

[violet-glow]

I can see where your OH is coming from, I think it is totaly normal for him to feel the way he does. But on the other hand he has to realise you need a bit of affection in your life.

As far as sex goes, why not try starting off slowly.... just playing with each other to start with and see where that leads?

Men cant go without it for long, so its just a matter of time before he comes crawling on his hands and knees for it lol

 

[lauramumof2]

Ahh, i see. Thats a shame. I dont know how you would overcome it. It sounds like he thinks that by touching your chest or doing oral sex then he is doing something wrong and improper with regards to your daughter.

He sounds like a very sensitive person.

Im sorry I cant be any help at all. Is there any men he could talk to about this or even the health visitor on his own.

 

[hayley]

this is just an idea.. haven't a clue whether it'll work or not but no harm in trying...

make husband and wife time! is there anyone you trust to keep the baby over nite? your folks, his folks, a family member or friend? ask them to collect the baby early on in the day so you 2 can spend the day together unwinding.. maybe have a bath together, a walk, a bottle of wine... then get yourselves dressed up.. even if your not going out! put something on you know he likes... and get him to put on your favourite aftershave or something... have a nice meal together (without the telly if your staying in) and sit and chat for a while... who ever is baby sitting for you - ask them not to call or text! i'm sure your baby will be okay for a whole day and nite without you both. If at the end of the nite you end up making love - good! but if not don't try and push it... make the whole day and nite about you 2 (not the baby or not sex) try and do this once a month.. it might help you both relax and for a few hours think about each other only!

Hope you can sort it out.. you sound like you want to which is the main thing...
x

 

[Amanda]

Oh Julia, poor you. I can sort of understand where your OH is coming from though. Sometimes I have to stop myself, really try hard to think, and put myself in my hubbie shoes. It must be difficult for them, as really your body has been his for as long as you have been together. I know it is your body, but it has been his to play with. Now the parts of your body that he had to play with are all associated with your little girl. Think about it, he used to enjoy kissing you passionately, now that mouth is the same one that blows raspberrys on your daughters belly. Your breasts were his to do whatever with , now he only sees them as where your daughter gets dinner from. And your ladybits, well. I don't know if I would feel the same after seeing childbirth if the boot were on the other foot.

It is going to take time hun. At least you are able to talk about it as some couples can't. Hayley has come up with a good idea though. Give it a go - what harm can it do???

Good luck, and please let us know how you get on.

 

[Julia]

Thanks for your really sensible replies, girls...it means alot to me! I have been sooooo upset about the whole situation (even though I am over the moon about my little girl). I will not push things and see what happens. Thanks for the good idea, Hayley. We are going to a wedding all day and all night without the baby on Friday so that may put us in the romantic mood..but if not, I will not stress.

I will give it another couple of weeks and if there is no progress, I think I will suggest we talk to someone. I can't go on without no affection. I know he loves me but I need some adult time!!!!

Thanks for your advice and I will keep you updated

Back to mummy and baby land!!


Julia xxx

 

[skatty]

Hi Julia, I'm glad you managed to find out what the problem is. I'm sure as your daughter grows bigger your DH will see you less as just a mummy and more as a sexy woman again

 

[Strangeness]

Hey hun just a thought but maybe he has a form of PND not the same thing obviously but I have heard it can happen to men. I can see what he is saying but it shouldn't ruin your sex life and it sounds like he is a bit down maybe? I don't know for sure but I think maybe you should speak to someone with your husband about this. Changes can effect men and women in different ways and a baby is a huge change, it seems you have taken it well but it is affecting your husband in the way that he sees you differently because of the baby. I hope that makes sense?