Coping with Guilt

[Countrybumpkin]

How do you cope or come to terms with guilt?

Ellie never latched on properly, i had so much trouble and i ended up nearly from the beginning expressing soley. I have tried and tried in the mean time to get her latched on, but without success. Except for one random feed, which she wasn't latched on to well as it did hurt, but she had a full feed. Tried the next feed, but she wasn't having it, and i ended up with all my opened wounds on my nipples again from where we had tried before.

Anyhow after 10 weeks of expressing i am completely exhausted and phyically and mentally drained. Enough is enough i know deep down i can not carry on like i am, 4 hours sleep every day for 10 weeks is no good for anyone. I can't catch up on sleep during the day as i am expressing when Ellie is sleeping.

But i have this huge guilt that a) breast feeding never worked out b) i am taking away the next best thing to not being able to breast feed. I feel i have let her down, and just keep crying about it. How do i face and come to terms with FF. I know it isn't the end of the world, but my network of Mums I have met are through NCT, and they all breast feed which makes things even harder. I don't want to not get out and see them, but find it so hard seeing them all successfully feeding and feel i have let my little girl down even more.

I am not sure really what i want to gain from this post, just guess i need to get things out of my system, thanks for listening and well done if you got this far.

 

[Tasha89]

Oh hun. I cant begin to understand how you're feeling.

Formula is the next best thing to breastfeeding and by giving her it, doesn't make you a 'bad' mother. You worked so hard for her to get your milk and you sound like you did a fantastic job. The first feed is the most important and the fact you fed her to 10 weeks like you have is amazing. Don't beat yourself up over it
A friend of mine really struggled with breastfeeding as her milk just didn't come in. Her daughter was clearly hungry so in the end she FF her. It was really hard for her at first to come to terms with but now she's fine and her daughter is thriving and she doesn't regret the decision to FF at all.
You haven't failed your little girl at all - Hopefully once everything had settled down you will be able to see this too x

 

[amyjayne77]

It's natural you feel guilty, that's what us mummies do, but that doesn't mean you should! I can't imagine expressing for 10 whole weeks. I honestly don't think I'd have managed that at all!
You have done a wonderful thing for your baby and if you swapped to ff I don't think anyone would blame you.

I bf dd1 for 3 weeks before the pain became unbearable and I stopped. I felt so bad but I was dreading feeding her and in tears the whole time ( had no idea about lactation consultants back then).

 

[ZMD]

You haven't failed her Hun, i couldn't of Soley expressed for 10 weeks. you've done really well! i understand the guilty feelings Tegan is nearly 17 weeks and they've diagnosed her as Lactose intolerant and this sounds selfish But Im really struggling Not eating any dairy so Im trying my hardest to get her to take Lactose free formula xx

 

[AugustMum]

You are in no way a bad mother at all. The fact that you have been so determined that you have expressed for 10 weeks is such a huge feet. I couldn't have done that.

You should keep thinking about the massive start that you've given your baby girl and that there is nothing wrong in giving her formula. It will mean you have more time to catch up on sleep and have time to just relax which will make you happier and let you enjoy your LO even more.

I gave up breastfeeding after a week and a half so no where near as long as you and unfortunatly the guilt still lingers but it slowly gets better. Unfortunatly as amyjayne said, as we're mothers, we will always feel guilty if we feel were not doing the absolute best for our little ones.

 

[Kezzamunster]

I don't have any personal experience but 2 of my friends have shared theirs with me

One of my friends couldn't breast feed as her baby would suck extremely hard & cause problems to her nipples, she was very close to having hers sewn back on & my other friend, her baby couldn't latch on so they all chose to formula feed

They found that this made themselves & their babies extremely happy & they didn't feel guilty, regardless of what their midwifes told them they thought it was more important to have a happy connection & bond with their baby

Sorry not great advice but hope it helps a little

xxxxxx

 

[tinytoes]

the thing to remember is your doing your very best . As long as she gained the weight , why should it matter how you fed her ? I totally understand the guilt Aoibheann was syringe fed for the first while , I felt like a failure but that not how it is .
The fact that you expressed at all , well done you I just couldn't do it

 

[kiki]

There is no need to feel guilty!! Are you still trying to get her to latch on? I expressed for 12 weeks with my first son as he would not latch on at all, ever. Untill 12 weeks, I always tried to latch him on once a day and then one day he just figured it out. I have to say that at this point I had just about had enough and was considering stopping. Since that moment he just got it and we had no more problems and I BF him untill he was 13 months.

But no one would blame yuo for switching, this time I would not have gone through that for 12 weeks. It is SO hard and I couldn't do it again. Luckily I had no such problems with this one.

There is nothing wrong with FF although I understand what you mean about the guilt.

 

[Piglet10]

Am I allowed to be harsh? :/

I think you need to forget about it, you've tried your best and what benefit is Ellie getting from a mum whos prob tired, drained, emotional etc etc etc!?

Breastfeeding is not the be all and end all, I wasn't allowed to BF and i got over it in 24 hours, doesn't happen for everyone AND there's new research to say that BF isn't necessarily the best... ( I dont want backlash over that statement lol hear a lie tell a lie) but im just saying shell be fine on formula and ull be a happier mummy for it and that is the BEST u can do for her *hugs* sorry if i was harsh but :/ cudnt really express my opinion otherwise xxx

 

[Lacey's Mummy]

I completly agree with Lisa!! You haven't failed her, you've done your best and FF isn't the end of the world! Both of mine are FF and their healthy as anything!!
Hope your ok x x

 

[Loveleen]

i m having a sore back now but still wana tell u that my best friend is a doctor and she formula fd her son from start as she coulnt breast feed..i find expressing once a day diff..u doing till 10 weeks is just great.. gp toldme its very imp for mom to b happy as then baby picks up happy wibes..so expressing with crying is also not good.. cheer up sweety enjoy motherhood now u hv been in stress for a long time.. good luck

 

[Stunned]

Don't feel bad at all! Be proud of yourself instead - expressing for 10 weeks just so that ur little one could get the bes start is brilliant! I remember sobbing my heart out when I gave eva her first formula feed. I felt like the world worst mother but I just couldn't cope with her cluster feeding in the evenings and needed a break from bf'ing. Now I'm used to giving Eva a formula bottle once a day and we are all happier for it.

Do whatever helps you get sleep and be a happier mummy which in turn will help so much with the whole mothering experinence which is so so so much more than just feeding.

 

[Froslass]

Hey hun x Sorry to hear your feeling down But you def shouldn't feel guilty! x Have you tried a nipple sheild? They help babies to latch on if they are having problems, and can protect mummy too, esp if you have cust there already. Check out this website.

http://www.medelabreastfeedingus.com/tips-and-solutions/112/nipple-shields

 

[xxbeckyxx]

Just remember, all Ellie wants is a feed (she doesn't care where it comes from), to be clean, and to have a happy relaxed environment to grow up in!
Make sure you still do lots of skin-to-skin to have that closeness, and enjoy your little girl! Maybe when you go out with the NCT mums write 'happy mummy=happy baby' on your hand and if anyone makes a comment, show em the hand!! lol

 

[kay126]

Ill probably get shot for saying this but in my opinion if breastfeeding is causing problems for baby or mother then just dont do it! happy mum means happy baby! if u getting more sleep and less stress if u formula feed means u get to enjoy your baby more and be a more relaxed parent then go for it! U shouldnt feel guilty at all! as long as ur baby is fed, clean, loved then brilliant! if u put two babies next to eachother of the same age, one who has been breast fed another who is formula fed, no one can tell a difference, i think its made too much of a stigma to not try breastfeeding these days and it annoys me because it makes women who try but struggle to have an overwhelming sense of guilt. i have never breastfed, i wont go into it now but physically i couldnt, and i have a healthy baby boy and no regrets at all xx

 

[purpleisa]

Gosh I wish I'd found this site five years ago ... when I failed (and yes I'm using that word because that's how I felt!) to breastfeed DD and quit after four days. Like so many others I really found it hard that I hadn't managed it and ended up having counselling (had post natal depression) where having "failed" was my main issue.

I got through by reminding myself that it was better to enjoy my time with my babies and that dreading every feed was just no way to feel! DD is now almost five and (touch wood) is NEVER ill - has only been at doc about twice in her whole life. BF may be nutritionally better but formula is better now than its ever been thanks to lots of scientists or whoever and not being totally stressed out about feeding will make your LO's babyhood a much more positive time for you both!!


Tried again and managed 24hrs with DS but this time gave up and went on to FF after 24hrs because I didn't want to get sooooo exhausted and sore like last time as I didn't think it fair on either of my kids to get myself into that bad a state again. I'm not feeling as guilty this time thank god but it is playing on my mind nonetheless (especially as I didn't feel as if I tried as hard this time).

Guilt is only a useful emotion for self correction (i.e. if you really are something wrong!!). When I catch myself feeling guilty I just say to myself "is this getting me anywhere/is this helping my situation?" - if the answer is "no" I just try to switch the feeling off an carry on.

Hope you can come to terms with this soon xxx

 

[Squeakz]

i agree with everything that everyone has said!

I tried to BF josh and my milk took forever to come through, he was attached to my booby for days at a time, my nipples were red and scabby etc etc it was horrendous! AFter 3.5 weeks i had to stop.....i was exhausted and ratty and snappy, tired, and frustrated i dreaded every single feed i cried myself silly and was a horrendous mother. after we swicthed to ff it was heaven. i slet better j slept better and tbh the worst thing was hearing everyone else say how wonderful they were finding it etc!

The best thing you can do for your LO after obvs feeding/cleaning/playing etc is to be happy in yourself as shell pick up on it! you have done the best thing you can do for your LO and you know what you should be damn proud to say you BF for 10 weeks and you've struggled with it! Like tasha said its the first few feeds that are pivotal and you've done amazingly welll!!


You should be congratualting yourself for being so patient and for doing ti for this long! your LO will be fine on formula!
xxxxxxxxx

 

[Sol]

Well done for doing all you can do to give your baby the best start. Don't beat yourself up about it hun you've done great and the best thing for baby is to have a happy healthy mummy xxxxx

 

[Minchin]

Oh hon, big hugs, You have done amazingly well tO express for so long, but that doesnt make it easier or any less emotional. Everyone's advice is great but no matter I expect you're still feeling shitty as like all mummies we are too hard on ourselves. How you getting on anyway? x

 

[PinkPunch]

I know you want to be able to bf but expressing for 10 weeks is amazing because it's constant. And think of all that milk you given so far, it's an excellent start. If anything I think you've done really well x