Inspired by Tilly's epic I have finally decided to post my birth story although I think Mother Nature has already cleverly managed to make me forget just how bad the pain was... 
27th April was just like any other day. Exhausted from my nightly BH, I slept in to about 10am then ate some of my craving (plain wholemeal bread) for breakfast...
11.30am - My dad rang to enquire as to whether anything was happening (for the third time in three days) and as we were talking, I suddenly felt a huge gush and my dressing gown, my nightie and the sofa and floor were soaking wet. I said, "Er... I think I'll have to go. My waters have just broken!"... he didn't believe me. Spent most of the next hour sitting on the loo because every 5 minutes or so there was another huge gush. One of these managed to go all over my tracky bottoms, the ONLY outfit that still fitted me, so Jim popped them in the wash thinking we'd have hours to wash and tumble dry them (judging by Judy's 18 hour wait to go into labour).
12pm - Rang midwife-based unit to say I thought my waters had gone (! - I was pretty damn sure they had!!) and they said to take my time, have shower and lunch, and head down there for about 3pm to get checked over and check it was my waters.
12.30pm - Got in shower, started to feel period-type pains but exceptionally strong. Had nothing at all in my back (which was what I was expecting given what I'd read on here) so stupidly wondered if it might be labour...
1pm - It's DEFINITELY labour by now, bloody hell OUCH
they're coming every 4-5 minutes and I can't do ANYTHING at all during a contraction. I begin to panic, Jim rings his mum to come round and be with me while he attempts to pack up the car etc. I am lying on the bed SCREAMING "DON'T LEAVE ME! I NEED SOMEONE! DON'T LEAVE ME!" and periodically crying "They said there would be 10 minutes between contractions! They LIED!" and sobbing my heart out. Jim's mum was crying too, she didn't know what to do to help me, but helpfully suggested this wasn't normal at such an early stage and that we should get going to the midwife unit (30 mins away ) - she dressed me inbetween contractions, I was useless!
1.30pm - Jim has everything in the car with me calling instructions for the 'extra bits' that need to go in the labour bag. Luckily I'd put a list on a post-it note earlier in the week
Contractions now about 3 minutes apart and painful like nothing I've ever known. All antenatal advice went out of the window and I just lay on the bed wanting to die and writhing with every contraction. It took me 15 minutes to walk out of the house and I was nearly crying with the effort and the pain. The journey to the middy unit is just a blur. It took 30 minutes and with every contraction I was writhing and moaning and pulling the seatbelt off my tummy as if that would help Time went a bit awry here and I can't remember a lot of the journey but what I do remember is seeing people walking down the street going about their business and me thinking "They have NO idea of the pain I'm in. This is just a normal day for them!"... I found myself feeling very envious of men.
2pm - Stagger into midwife-based unit past two women who look at me in utmost sympathy and ask if I'm OK to which I respond "NO! IT HURTS!" and we laugh. Manage to make it about 100 yards before collapsing so Jim gets me a wheelchair and wheels me up in the lift to the unit.
2.15pm - One of the midwives on duty (Lynne) examines me and all the while I am writhing around and shouting "Please don't send me home! Please let me be dilated!" and she reassured me she wouldn't be sending me home as I was 6cm - although my cervix was unevenly dilated as part of my hymen was still intact. So it would appear that before childbirth I was half a virgin and we did manage half the immaculate conception. Middy said baby would be here by 6pm I was also whinging about being WAY too hot (labour causes the body to overheat) so she immediately whacked on the air conditioning and I felt LOADS better. She then filled the birthing pool and I whipped off my clothes (including a way too big skirt as my trousers were still in the tumble drier when we left ) - she asked me if I wanted to keep my bra on and I said, "No! No dignity left! It's all coming off!" and she laughed.
2.30pm - Got in the birthing pool and commenced on gas and air which did absolutely nothing for me - this made sense when we realised the hose had come off the vent on the wall but even when Jim plugged it back in it was useless (didn't make me feel sick or high or anything) - but sucking on the nozzle helped give me something to focus on. Contractions every 2 minutes. Took less than an hour to reach fully dilated and felt the URGE to push. Throughout the standard contractions I just kept saying that I was a weak character and I couldn't possibly do this, and Jim just kept saying I was doing really well. He fed me three Quavers and sips of water, he was ace.
3.30pm - Midwife explains that the urge to push will come roughly one in every 3 contractions. NOPE every contraction love. As my contractions were only 30 seconds in duration I had to work very hard on the pushing but I definitely preferred this bit - painful yes but with a purpose and more like having a poo than being in agony so it was OK. I didn't use the gas and air at all at this stage because I had to really push when the urge was there. Unfortunately Connie's head wasn't playing ball so after half an hour or so the midwife asked me to get out of the pool and try the birthing stool - as the change of position and gravity and being out of the water can help the contractions get stronger and the head come down. Well, after one contraction I tore and her head came further down - there was blood all in the birthing stool
Kept saying to Jim "I just want to get back in the pool!" because it was much nicer in there even with all the "bits of blood and ming" floating around in it. The midwife told me afterwards she had to try not to laugh at me keep talking about the "bits of ming" and flicking them away between contractions - but I don't remember any of this. Then I went in for some almighty pushing and could feel her (massive!) head between my legs. One contraction and out came the head, and in the next one (with a bit of midwife effort) came the rest of Connie.
They put her on me all covered in vernix. The other midwife then came in to help and said it was the most vernix she'd ever seen on a full-term baby... it was an inch thick on her back!! But it's the world's best moisturiser and she does have brilliant skin now so I can't complain!! She also said Connie was a "chunkster" with massive thighs and that she would be pushing 9oz. Both midwives were amazed that someone of my size had managed to get her out so quickly!
THEN IT ALL WENT A BIT WRONG!
6pm - Pushed out placenta (this was HARDER than I thought it would be as by now I was completely knackered) and was surprised to see it was grey in colour rather than red. It looked like a minging haggis or something.
6.15pm - In stirrups about to be stitched up. Had a second-degree tear which means my muscle had torn too, but that was the only place I was bleeding and I only lost 350mls of blood so should have been OK. However, like in pregnancy, being on my back caused a problem. After 15-20 minutes of stitching (which doesn't hurt and neither does the local - after labour you can take ANYTHING)... I went very faint and felt like I was going to be sick. My blood pressure dropped to 53 over 33
7.30pm - Blood pressure still very low and not rising so I need a drip. However, I have NO veins and despite 3 attempts (left inner elbow, left hand, foot) no joy - so an ambulance is called. They spend an hour trying to get drip in without success (ambulance woman says it's her first failure in 13 years' service and is gutted - she KEPT going on about it the whole journey, well, sorry love, I'd have rather it'd been a success too) and ship me off in the ambulance. I have a catheter put in which was WELL uncomfy and the worst part of the whole experience really. Midwife came with me for continuity (no paperwork has been done yet) and Connie sleeps the whole way. Apparently I was blathering about 27/04/08 being good because it's a cube/square/cube number and the midwife was laughing at me again but I don't remember this at all.
8pm - Arrive at big hospital in Lancaster. The big cheese CONSULTANT ANAESTHETIST is waiting for me, along with 10 other people in theatre, expecting me in a "critical condition" - he puts a line in instantly in the bleedy side of my left wrist (bummer cos it REALLY hurts and means I can't hold my baby) and they plug me up for heart tests, iron tests and take my BP. They put me in a separate delivery room for monitoring - they rename it the Connie room cos they've had no Connies for years but the last baby to be born there was Connie too
10pm - FINALLY get a hairdryer to dry my hair from the morning's shower. Feels great!
12am - Moved up to main ward (Caesarean part - I am the only patient hurray!) and Jim leaves. DO my best to look after Connie overnight but staff are a bit overworked and refuse to bring me food when I ask saying newborn babies don't need food just love - they relented when she started screaming and ate 3oz. Ha ha. I know my biffster.
10am - Told I can go back to midwife unit if they remove catheter and I pee. I drink for England. Still feel v dizzy but don't tell them so get to leave about 1pm and spend 3 days back in middy unit- where I was lucky enough to be the ONLY patient (very unusual) for all three days AND for the last two days the midwife on duty was the lady who delivered Connie and she was ace 
So, those about to give birth, don't worry! If I can do it (with my needle phobia and scaredy cat nature) WITHOUT pain relief more or less then you can too
The bleeding afterwards is a pain but the stitches aren't that bad. Mine are now fully healed and there's just a neat line there (after less than 2 weeks) - they didn't even sting when I went to the toilet although the first poo is a bit scary it was fine!
And finally, a picture of Connie:
27th April was just like any other day. Exhausted from my nightly BH, I slept in to about 10am then ate some of my craving (plain wholemeal bread) for breakfast...
11.30am - My dad rang to enquire as to whether anything was happening (for the third time in three days) and as we were talking, I suddenly felt a huge gush and my dressing gown, my nightie and the sofa and floor were soaking wet. I said, "Er... I think I'll have to go. My waters have just broken!"... he didn't believe me. Spent most of the next hour sitting on the loo because every 5 minutes or so there was another huge gush. One of these managed to go all over my tracky bottoms, the ONLY outfit that still fitted me, so Jim popped them in the wash thinking we'd have hours to wash and tumble dry them (judging by Judy's 18 hour wait to go into labour).
12pm - Rang midwife-based unit to say I thought my waters had gone (! - I was pretty damn sure they had!!) and they said to take my time, have shower and lunch, and head down there for about 3pm to get checked over and check it was my waters.
12.30pm - Got in shower, started to feel period-type pains but exceptionally strong. Had nothing at all in my back (which was what I was expecting given what I'd read on here) so stupidly wondered if it might be labour...
1pm - It's DEFINITELY labour by now, bloody hell OUCH
they're coming every 4-5 minutes and I can't do ANYTHING at all during a contraction. I begin to panic, Jim rings his mum to come round and be with me while he attempts to pack up the car etc. I am lying on the bed SCREAMING "DON'T LEAVE ME! I NEED SOMEONE! DON'T LEAVE ME!" and periodically crying "They said there would be 10 minutes between contractions! They LIED!" and sobbing my heart out. Jim's mum was crying too, she didn't know what to do to help me, but helpfully suggested this wasn't normal at such an early stage and that we should get going to the midwife unit (30 mins away ) - she dressed me inbetween contractions, I was useless!1.30pm - Jim has everything in the car with me calling instructions for the 'extra bits' that need to go in the labour bag. Luckily I'd put a list on a post-it note earlier in the week
Contractions now about 3 minutes apart and painful like nothing I've ever known. All antenatal advice went out of the window and I just lay on the bed wanting to die and writhing with every contraction. It took me 15 minutes to walk out of the house and I was nearly crying with the effort and the pain. The journey to the middy unit is just a blur. It took 30 minutes and with every contraction I was writhing and moaning and pulling the seatbelt off my tummy as if that would help Time went a bit awry here and I can't remember a lot of the journey but what I do remember is seeing people walking down the street going about their business and me thinking "They have NO idea of the pain I'm in. This is just a normal day for them!"... I found myself feeling very envious of men.2pm - Stagger into midwife-based unit past two women who look at me in utmost sympathy and ask if I'm OK to which I respond "NO! IT HURTS!" and we laugh. Manage to make it about 100 yards before collapsing so Jim gets me a wheelchair and wheels me up in the lift to the unit.
2.15pm - One of the midwives on duty (Lynne) examines me and all the while I am writhing around and shouting "Please don't send me home! Please let me be dilated!" and she reassured me she wouldn't be sending me home as I was 6cm - although my cervix was unevenly dilated as part of my hymen was still intact. So it would appear that before childbirth I was half a virgin and we did manage half the immaculate conception. Middy said baby would be here by 6pm
I was also whinging about being WAY too hot (labour causes the body to overheat) so she immediately whacked on the air conditioning and I felt LOADS better. She then filled the birthing pool and I whipped off my clothes (including a way too big skirt as my trousers were still in the tumble drier when we left ) - she asked me if I wanted to keep my bra on and I said, "No! No dignity left! It's all coming off!" and she laughed.2.30pm - Got in the birthing pool and commenced on gas and air which did absolutely nothing for me - this made sense when we realised the hose had come off the vent on the wall but even when Jim plugged it back in it was useless (didn't make me feel sick or high or anything) - but sucking on the nozzle helped give me something to focus on. Contractions every 2 minutes. Took less than an hour to reach fully dilated and felt the URGE to push. Throughout the standard contractions I just kept saying that I was a weak character and I couldn't possibly do this, and Jim just kept saying I was doing really well. He fed me three Quavers and sips of water, he was ace.
3.30pm - Midwife explains that the urge to push will come roughly one in every 3 contractions. NOPE every contraction love. As my contractions were only 30 seconds in duration I had to work very hard on the pushing but I definitely preferred this bit - painful yes but with a purpose and more like having a poo than being in agony so it was OK. I didn't use the gas and air at all at this stage because I had to really push when the urge was there. Unfortunately Connie's head wasn't playing ball so after half an hour or so the midwife asked me to get out of the pool and try the birthing stool - as the change of position and gravity and being out of the water can help the contractions get stronger and the head come down. Well, after one contraction I tore and her head came further down - there was blood all in the birthing stool
Kept saying to Jim "I just want to get back in the pool!" because it was much nicer in there even with all the "bits of blood and ming" floating around in it. The midwife told me afterwards she had to try not to laugh at me keep talking about the "bits of ming" and flicking them away between contractions - but I don't remember any of this. Then I went in for some almighty pushing and could feel her (massive!) head between my legs. One contraction and out came the head, and in the next one (with a bit of midwife effort) came the rest of Connie.
They put her on me all covered in vernix. The other midwife then came in to help and said it was the most vernix she'd ever seen on a full-term baby... it was an inch thick on her back!! But it's the world's best moisturiser and she does have brilliant skin now so I can't complain!! She also said Connie was a "chunkster" with massive thighs and that she would be pushing 9oz. Both midwives were amazed that someone of my size had managed to get her out so quickly!
THEN IT ALL WENT A BIT WRONG!
6pm - Pushed out placenta (this was HARDER than I thought it would be as by now I was completely knackered) and was surprised to see it was grey in colour rather than red. It looked like a minging haggis or something.
6.15pm - In stirrups about to be stitched up. Had a second-degree tear which means my muscle had torn too, but that was the only place I was bleeding and I only lost 350mls of blood so should have been OK. However, like in pregnancy, being on my back caused a problem. After 15-20 minutes of stitching (which doesn't hurt and neither does the local - after labour you can take ANYTHING)... I went very faint and felt like I was going to be sick. My blood pressure dropped to 53 over 33
7.30pm - Blood pressure still very low and not rising so I need a drip. However, I have NO veins and despite 3 attempts (left inner elbow, left hand, foot) no joy - so an ambulance is called. They spend an hour trying to get drip in without success (ambulance woman says it's her first failure in 13 years' service and is gutted - she KEPT going on about it the whole journey, well, sorry love, I'd have rather it'd been a success too) and ship me off in the ambulance. I have a catheter put in which was WELL uncomfy and the worst part of the whole experience really. Midwife came with me for continuity (no paperwork has been done yet) and Connie sleeps the whole way. Apparently I was blathering about 27/04/08 being good because it's a cube/square/cube number and the midwife was laughing at me again but I don't remember this at all.
8pm - Arrive at big hospital in Lancaster. The big cheese CONSULTANT ANAESTHETIST is waiting for me, along with 10 other people in theatre, expecting me in a "critical condition"
- he puts a line in instantly in the bleedy side of my left wrist (bummer cos it REALLY hurts and means I can't hold my baby) and they plug me up for heart tests, iron tests and take my BP. They put me in a separate delivery room for monitoring - they rename it the Connie room cos they've had no Connies for years but the last baby to be born there was Connie too 10pm - FINALLY get a hairdryer to dry my hair from the morning's shower. Feels great!
12am - Moved up to main ward (Caesarean part - I am the only patient hurray!) and Jim leaves. DO my best to look after Connie overnight but staff are a bit overworked and refuse to bring me food when I ask saying newborn babies don't need food just love - they relented when she started screaming and ate 3oz. Ha ha. I know my biffster.
10am - Told I can go back to midwife unit if they remove catheter and I pee. I drink for England. Still feel v dizzy but don't tell them
so get to leave about 1pm and spend 3 days back in middy unit- where I was lucky enough to be the ONLY patient (very unusual) for all three days AND for the last two days the midwife on duty was the lady who delivered Connie and she was ace So, those about to give birth, don't worry! If I can do it (with my needle phobia and scaredy cat nature) WITHOUT pain relief more or less then you can too
The bleeding afterwards is a pain but the stitches aren't that bad. Mine are now fully healed and there's just a neat line there (after less than 2 weeks) - they didn't even sting when I went to the toilet although the first poo is a bit scary it was fine!
And finally, a picture of Connie:
there is hope for me then if they heal really quick as my tear is AGONY, I cant wee without sobbing my heart out now. 
