civil wedding :-( aarrgghh

[niknaks]

sorry ladies this is gonna be a bit of an essay so my apologies in advance. just so glad i have pf to get things off my chest. basically just had a small tiff with my mum about me and my oh getting civilly married. she says shes ashamed that im pregnant and doesnt feel she can face telling people and that if we at least got civilly married things would be easier. you see im goan and the older lot are very strict about sex before marriage bla blah blah. also i would have been going into my last year at uni but ive sorted it with uni and can go back within 2 years and they can help me with childcare. but the main thing is my mums more worried what everyones gonna say. part of me wouldnt mind getting civilly married just to shut her up really but the main part of me is like no i dont want to, i dont mind getting married after lil mans here cos i dont want people thinking me and my oh are just getting marrie dbecause of the baby not because were happy and in love. it just winds me up cos i know its not my wedding day its everyone elses. plus my sis says basically if i do get civilly married in the next year shes not coming because its 2 months to the day my dad passed away and its disrespectful and i agree. now my mums also like people are gonna say if your dad was here this would never happen. shes treating me like a teenager. im 25 i will be 26 when babys here. i know shes going through a lot of stress at the mo with my dad and everything and i dont want to put anymore on here, but it annoys me cos she feels i should be ashamed myself. but im not, i cant wait to be a mum and start a family with my oh and i would marry him tomorrow if i could but not like this. my own choice as in me picking the day having it how i want it. it'll be our special day not even the babys me and my oh and i dont want my son growing up thinking oh my mum and dad got married because of me. then my mum was like what are you going to tell him when hes older? i was like the truth im not going to lie to him. i said to her she can tell people we eloped if she wants i dont care im just so annoyed. im gonna shut up now im ranting to much. sorry for the essay again

 

[l_maclean]

didnt want to read and run. Sounds like you're having a bit of a hard time of it. Not really sure what else to say. hope you get things sorted.
xxx

 

[SunnyGirl]

I think you should just marry when you want to and forget about your mum's input. It really isn't her choice. It does sound like she's stressed out, but I'd still wait until the time was right for you and OH. Otherwise no one will enjoy the wedding and it'll be a horrible memory with pictures showing everyone miserable. Bless you going through this. Keep hold of your happiness and do what's right for you and your OH xxx

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

do you plan to get married anyway or is it not on the cards at the moment?

we got married when i was heavily pregnant, mostly because i wanted the same name as my son but also for legal reasons. we will be handfasted sometime in the next few years and that will be our 'real' wedding.

I would do the legal bit just to keep the peace to be honest, but only if i was planning to marry soon after the baby was born anyway. Also, your mum can tell people you are civilly married, without waving a marriage certificate in front of their faces (and who does that) she has no reason not to

 

[pinkyprincess]

I want to marry my OH and he has asked and I said no (long and funny story) even if we could afford it now I wouldn't due to principle that I'm pregnant. Were going to wait until after the baby's born and we have money to do it our way. Luckily my family haven't pressured me at all in fact I think they'd prefer it if I didn't get married lol my only regret is not having my sons name! Do what you and your OH feels right. Remember your the one married to him your family arnt.


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[Lilelephant]

What an old fashioned view Hun! U should get married when u want not just cos ppl r pressurising u because of the Babba!


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[saraian26]

I think your mum needs to grow up personally and chuck herself into the right decade - at the end of the day its got nothing to do with her whether you get married or not. Its horrible she has said she is ashamed that your pregnant because your at uni and not married, really horrible and im sure other people dont care and it dont matter whether they did or not becuase its you and your oh.

Im sorry to be so blunt but if that was my mum id be backing right off and not bothering with her.

 

[redbear]

The fact that your mum is worried about telling people is her problem- who in this day worries because people arn't married when they have kids for goodness sake! A lot of people don't marry untill after they have kids even more people don't get married at all - my brother and his girlfriend have been together 16 years and have a 9 year old and are not married! Once she has told them its done they know and if people want to judge well they need to get out of the victorian ages and up to date - tell your mum to watch Jeremy Kyle and see what other people your age are doing with there lives!!

 

[nikki8092]

wow what decase are we living in??? Your mum seems to have some old fashioned views. Im sure most of the people you speak to wouldnt care less if you had a baby out of wedlock. At the end of the day its your life. I know more people who had kids first then got married(myself included) than other way round. There is no shame in that anymore. Your mum sounds as though she is looking out for her "reputation" as it were. Do what makes you happy hun at the end of the day its you that has to live with the decision not her x

 

[mustard]

It may be worth trying to chat to your mum reasonably (if you can) to see if there is more to her worries than being 'embarassed'. If she just wants you to get married so her friends don't make comments then that is silly and you need to just ignore her and do things your way. But possibly she might also be worried about the legal side of not being married (for example if anything happened to your OH does he have a will, will he be registered as the legal father (that isn't automatic if you aren't married he has to go with you to register the baby), what surname will baby have. Obviously all of this stuff is very easy to sort out without getting married but your mum may be reassured if you show her you have thought about it. I'm not taking your mothers side, just playing devils advocate, I hope you don't mind. I definately don't think you should get married unless you want to and the timing is right for you.

 

[MrsHakaxjdx]

People have old fashioned views. i get alot of critisism, well i used to. i was pregnant at 16 (out of school) to my 26 year old boyfriend, had my second at 19 and i got married this year at 21 at a registra office. 2 days later i found out i was pregnant with this little one. Im 22 now, married, having our 3rd child, working for the same company since i was 16 and couldnt be happier. When i booked our wedding last year, i sent invites out, if people wanted to come they could. Same with family i couldnt careless about thir views their loss, everybody came.
We might not be rich but where happy and my one dream was to take my kids to Disneyland and we did in February for our Honeymoon

Never mind other peoples views hunny, do what you want be happy x x x

 

[niknaks]

thanx for all the replies. just feel so lost and confused. now im beginning to wish shed never found out but suppose that would be ridiculous. my mum is a very backward person and so are the views of a lot of people in the goan community. its so frustrating cos i love who i am and wouldnt change it for anything just hate the views of some people. my mum even had a problem with my oh in the beginning cos hes mixed race and she only wanted me to get married to a goan. even my sis oh is english and shes got a problem with him because he has a severe stammer. it just annoys me because if she didnt want us to turn out the way we are why did she decide to live here not being racist or anything, it just frustrates me how she is and just wish shed deal with things.

today after work she called me and my oh into the sitting room and gave him the whole do you love her? i want you to look after her etc then was going on about how she wants us to get civilly married for the sake of the baby and she mentioned his name but i said he can still have his dads name. then she was going on about him getting bullied at school which made me laugh at how backwards she is. so in the end i said to her if we decide to get civilly married she is not to tell anyone. i dont want people thinking were only gettng married cos im pregnant and not cos we love each other. then my dads sis came round and they both went to the cemetry and when they came back my aunty gave me a huge hug and congratulated me and asked me questions about the pregnancy and she mentioned her husbands niece who had a kid out of wedlock and how theres nothing taboo about it anymore and mum just kinda sat there, but after she left she started ringing people to let them know im pregnant and telling them how she was angry at first but now accepts it. i really dont get her and now shes doing my head in about his name. she wants us to call him tony which was my dads nickmame( his real name is antonio) my oh agrees but i think tony is an old mans name. i want to give him a name that has a meaning that links my dads traits and give him tony as a middle name along with my oh dads name. then she was like i should have a double barrel surname mine and my oh which i dont want i just want to give him my oh's. i swear this prgnancy is turning to be my mums not mine its doing my head in. im so fed up i know shes going through a lot and everything and im glad shes focusing on the pregnancy as to constantly thinking of my dad(not that i want her to forget him) but just wish shed back off a bit now x

 

[NinjaKitty]

Your Mum sounds like she has her own established set of values and opinions. However as an adult it is up to you and your decision how you live your life. I'd guess that you are never gonna persuade your Mum to change her opinions just by talking to her. Personally I would go down the line of telling your Mum clearly and calmly what you are going to do and it's up to her to accept it. If you want to get married then do it in your own time and in your own way.

 

[niknaks]

ive been trying to tell her that but she just doesnt listen. shes always had a thing of whatevers in her head is right and everyone should think the same as her. its like i dont want keep her out of all of it, but at the same time just want her to see its my life and im happy. if i get civilly married even though ill be marrying the man i love its not going to be special.

 

[NinjaKitty]

I just keep thinking that if you get manipulated into doing something you are not ready to do you just end up resenting her which would probably be worse for your relationship. Just stay true to yourself and what is right for you. Oh god I sound like Oprah. I'm ofski, hope you get it worked out

 

[niknaks]

yeah i know and that is the last thing i want. i really hope i dont turn out like her. yeah i will do. just need to stand upto her i suppose. lol no you dont thanks for the advice x