Cheating husband and 38 weeks gone!

[Anon2014]

Hello,

I've never wrote in a forum before so please bear with me, i just feel i need to vent aswell as write everything down to make some sense of it!!

I have been with my husband 3 years and we got married in April this year. We had some difficulty conceiving for some time due to husbands sperm count but we were ecstatic to find out we were pregnant 4 weeks before our wedding day! Life couldn't have been more perfect and we had a beautiful fairytale wedding and honeymoon and i can honestly say we had never been happier!!

Now for the worse part.....for the past 4 months my husband has been distant with me and constantly going out after work or weekends or practically living at the gym (which he is a gym fanatic!) And he would often turn up after 10pm, have a shower and go bed. We totally lost the intimacy part of our relationship though we did still have sex from time to time, and he would complain i was nagging him when i questioned his whereabouts and why i literally hadn't seen him all week! He just used to say he wasn't doing anything different and i needed to get off his back!!!!

Recently in the past 6 weeks he's been staying out all night at his friends using the excuse he doesnt want to disturb me at daft o clock in a morning! A few days ago he TEXT me after a night out to say he needed some space and he wasnt coming home! Since then i have managed to get the truth out of him which is that 5 weeks ago he met a woman out on a night out and he has been meeting up with her, staying at her house and having sex with her! She knows all about me yet doesn't seem phased. He now says he loves me but he's no longer in love with me and he feels we've grown apart and that he's been miserable for the last 5 months! He says she makes him happy and it's exciting again to feel that!

I am 38 weeks pregnant and booked in to have my baby in 1 week!!!! I have no idea how i am meant to do this now. He says he will be there for both me and the baby regardless but to me that means nothing now. How do i give birth and be happy and share a ward with happy mums and dads when my whole life has fell apart.

I do have my mum very close by and supportive friends but i dont want anyone but my husband! My heart has literally broke into pieces. I also have a 5 year old son from a previous relationship (who also cheated on me when my son was 10 months old) and i know i have to be strong for him but i literally cannot stop crying, i can't eat or sleep.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[GF91]

Oh love, I didn't want to read and run.
I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. Use the support of your loved ones around you to help you get through this. I can't imagine the pain your are going through right now and as hard as it is you need to stay strong for your little boy and your baby. He's a complete idiot and once you've had the baby I hope you kick him in the nuts xxx

 

[mylullaby]

I've been having a break from these forums but popped back on and I just came across your post. First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy after your earlier struggles. What a blessing xxx

You sound just like a very close friend of mine a couple of years ago - the only difference being that she was a little earlier in her pregnancy than you when her husband cheated/left her. I can't say anything that will stop your heart from breaking into a million pieces right now, so I won't try to, but I just wanted to let you know that my friend had her baby girl with her mum and best friend by her side and since then she has met an absolutely amazing man who has made her truly happy. She couldn't have foreseen it at the time and obviously she was inconsolable when it all kicked off, but with her friends and family around her, she picked herself up, cracked on with being a single mum and was so strong through it all. I really admire her for that. I know you don't want anyone but your husband, but I see my friend now and she's never been happier. Her cheating ******* ex husband actually did her a favour in a weird way.

Of course that's just one story and there's every chance that your husband will suddenly realise that the grass isn't actually greener and that cheating while you're heavily pregnant is one of the most despicable things a 'man' can do. Not sure on that one - depends what his conscience tells him. He might come crawling back when he meets his baby. Or he might be having one of those pathetic mid-life crisis type moments where he shuns responsibility in favour of being an utter twat. If that's the case, do you really want to be with him?

Whatever happens lovely, please believe that you CAN cope without him and you WILL get through this. It might be the hardest thing you've ever had to do, but you can do it - especially with the support of people around you. Have you talked to people (a best mate, for example) about what's happening?

I really am so sorry to hear about what you're going through at what should be a wonderful time for you and your whole family. Your baby will be here before you know it and then s/he will be your greatest concern. Take it one step at a time and make practical plans/decisions when you need to distract yourself from the emotional side of things. Make lists. Think through your options. Birth partner? CSA payments? Change the locks. Stay in your own home. Pack up his things. I know it's not what you want to do, but getting practical was one of the things that helped my friend, so I really hope it does the same for you.

Take care lovely. xxx

 

[saraian26]

I would be so so angry with him, he doesnt deserve your tears as he has cheated and lied to you. Not only you but your son and your baby. I would pack all his stuff up and say come and get it. It's so much easier to get on with things once their stuff is no longer in your face.

Surround yourself with friends and family, sort out a birth partner and be practical.

I've been cheated on many years ago and it left me bitter as I didnt deal with it at all, I cryed and sobbed and begged him to come back. I wish I had been as strong as I am now. You need to be strong for your son and baby. Quite frankly your husband doesnt sound like he will come back and the woman is a slag - worst kind, especially when she knows about you and the baby.

Get as much love and support as possible, but dont be upset - be angry about it. He has done this to you, not you. xx

 

[Melily24]

First of all congratulations on your pregnancy, very soon your new precious LO will be here.

Oh honey, I'm so sorry this has happened. I don't understand men at all...

I agree with everything Mylullaby has said.

Don't worry about how you will do this. You WILL be able to do it, it all feels completely too much at the moment I'm sure, esp as your baby is about to arrive, but you are a woman and strong I'm sure. Take each day as it comes. It sounds like you have a support group - your Mom and friends, USE them. I'm sure they want to be there for you.

I wish you all the best for the upcoming birth and all the best in your current situation. Look after yourself and come on here anytime for advice or a chat.

big hug. xxx

 

[Lyllian]

Can't say anything other than what the other girls have said. He.isn't.who.you thought he was clearly and one day you'll realise.you haven't lost much. Soon your baby will be here who you will.love more than anyone in the world. He'll be missing out on what will be the most wonderful time. So sorry you're going through this
. Similar happened to my cousin, she's now married to the most wonderful man, her ex cheated on the new girl and is now thoroughly.miserable and alone.x

 

[Anon2014]

Thank you all for your replies. I just can't seem to make sense of any of it. Right now i wish i could scream at him, hurt him, kick him out but I'm numb. I fall apart more when he's not here, stupid i know.

We've agreed to focus on our baby for the next few weeks given the fact he will be born in 4 days time but after that i just dont know what will happen! I feel stupid because i know if this was happening to a friend I'd literally find him and cut his manhood off!!! But i just cant be mad at him right now, i know it wont make me feel better and i have to try and stay sane for my son and my baby!

I just question why me? Why now? I've not been a horrible person or a bad wife. I've not had the easiest pregnancy and at times my hormones have probably made me nag him but whats a woman to do when she doesnt know where her husband is from day to day!!!

 

[Lyllian]

Don't feel stupid,none of us know how we would react if it was us in your position. Don't ever question why you and what have you.done
You've done.nothing. If.he was.being a 'nag', you wouldn't.have gone.jumping.into.bed.with.someone else! X

 

[mylullaby]

Thank you all for your replies. I just can't seem to make sense of any of it. Right now i wish i could scream at him, hurt him, kick him out but I'm numb. I fall apart more when he's not here, stupid i know.

We've agreed to focus on our baby for the next few weeks given the fact he will be born in 4 days time but after that i just dont know what will happen! I feel stupid because i know if this was happening to a friend I'd literally find him and cut his manhood off!!! But i just cant be mad at him right now, i know it wont make me feel better and i have to try and stay sane for my son and my baby!

I just question why me? Why now? I've not been a horrible person or a bad wife. I've not had the easiest pregnancy and at times my hormones have probably made me nag him but whats a woman to do when she doesnt know where her husband is from day to day!!!

This has NOTHING to do with you being a 'horrible person' or a 'bad wife' and EVERYTHING to do with him being an utter, utter wanker. No two-ways about it. Pregnancy is all about raging hormones and any decent, honest man would do everything in his power to keep you happy during your pregnancy - tolerate the nagging, rub your shoulders/back/neck, carry your shopping, cuddle you, help you do up the baby's room, tell you you're beautiful, snuggle up with you in the evenings and get all excited about meeting your little one... these are the kinds of things that your husband should be doing. Even without the cheating, his behaviour was unacceptable. You just don't abandon your heavily pregnant wife while you go off with your mates for days/weeks at a time. Don't you dare fall into the trap of wondering what YOU could have done differently to stop this, because none of this is your fault. At all.

I can completely understand why you want to focus on the baby for now - you're head's up your arse and you're weeks away from the birth - totally understandable. Just know that you don't have to stay with him unless you feel like you can somehow forgive him for this. There are lovely and amazing and loyal men out there - no-one deserves this.

Take care xxx

 

[Pumpkin9]

Hi Hun, congratulations on your pregnancy.

I totally agree with what everyone else has said. To be frank your husband is being an utter dick. I cant believe he could be that selfish when you are carrying his child. He doesn't deserve you. And the woman he is sleeping with needs a slap.

Please don't waste your tears on him. I hope you have a wonderful birth and enjoy lots of baby snuggles.

 

[1moreinthenest]

Just wanted to say i really feel for you, its an awful situation not to mention shock. My ex cheated on me during my 2nd pregnancy and i couldnt put my finger on it and didnt find out until my child was 8mths and kicked him out. My pregnancy was awful from about 6 mths onwards due to his behaviour. Im having a baby now with my new partner of 4 yrs and things have been tough lately, and ive felt a bit like history repeating itself and have been dreading things breaking down like they did in my last relationship, but i think we are back on track now. Yours sounds like an utter b**tard and this is the very last thing you need or deserve at this time when you are so vulnerable. Dont even give him the time of day, you CAN be strong, and you WILL get through this and have baby to plough all your energy into. Dont give him an inch....if he thinks thinks the grass is greener let him make his misstakes. Idiot. He will supremely regret it when he sees his beautiful baby and you are in a great position of power to dictate his involvement until u feel comfortable, and be smug in the knowledge that this bit of tart is going to be a spare part when hes all preoccupied with you and the baby and thats something only u and him can share. Dont make any big desicions with your emotions right now as youve got baby blues to contend with aswell so try and keep a stable head. You are married so im guessing you have house/mortgage etc....dont be kind and let him get away with payments etc as youll regret it later. Keep strong lady! Xx