Brought tears to my eyes

[gemloulau]

Hi All

I just had a call from my husband, the result of which has me sat at my desk at work sobbing.

His ex called him to pre-warn him that their daughter may be upset when he picks her up tonight (she is staying with us this weekend). My darling step-daughter started writing her Christmas list last night and top of the list was her wish that she could still have Leo for Christmas - the little brother she was so desperate to have.

It broke my hear to hear that.

She was so excited when we told her that she would be having a little brother or sister, it was lovely. She asked us to make sure it was a boy as her mother had another little girl a couple of years ago so she already had a sister.

When we lost Leo we explained to her that he was very poorly in my tummy and that he was going to live with the angels, because he wasn't strong enough to be born. She seemed so un-phased by the whole thing, was more concerned about me because I was in hospital and I was sad when I came home.

She's not mentioned Leo since. We just thought that as it hadn't got to the stage where she could sit and cuddle a little baby, that to her it wasn't a real baby, just me with a fat belly.

I guess we were wrong, poor little girl has kept it all bottled up. I feel so awful for her, she was so excited but because she had never mentioned it we didn't think to make sure she was ok.

I don't know how to make her feel better, she is only 9 and it must be so confusing.

xx

 

[laurat]

Oh the wee soul! Xxx

 

[Daley]

How heartbreaking! Xxx

 

[SunnySue]

This has made me well up, what a sweet little girl. Lots of big cuddles and chocolate for both of you tonight x

 

[leean10]

OMG, poor little darling. Its amazing what they retain and keep bottled up.

I think SunnySue is right, lots of chocolate and cuddles for you both tonight xx

 

[Laura_C]

This breaks my heart because we went though the same thing with my now 6 year old. She was only 4 when we lost her little brother, we didn't realise just how much she had taken in but she misses him everyday

She won't mention anything got ages then she will suddenly get upset and ask lots of questions. She is just trying to make sense of it all bless her xxx

 

[Toria111]

Awwww, I'm sitting on the sofa crying after reading that. She was probably keeping it to herself not wanting to upset you. Bless her.

My 7 year old son asked for a brother on his Xmas list last year. I had to explain to him that we weren't having any more babies. Then totally by surprise we found we were expecting earlier this year, and baby was due 24 December! Thought it was meant to be! Unfortunately I miscarried at 11 weeks. We hadn't told the kids yet thank goodness. Would have broken their little hearts.

 

[mistyblue]

I'm so sorry hun. I don't know what else to say except I'm thinking of you x x x

 

[gemloulau]

Thank you all for your lovely replies.

We had a nice snugly evening and said that if she ever wants to talk about it then she can. She changed the subject so I guess it will come when she's ready.

Xx


- now Free

 

[mylullaby]

Oh, bless her. What an absolute sweetheart. I'm so sorry for your loss. Bereavement of any kind - whether it's MC, grandparents, pets, etc can be so hard to explain to a child. I don't think there's any tried and tested way to make them feel better. At 9, she must've been old enough to realise how upset you were and probably thought it was best not to mention again in case it upset you?

I'd just be really honest with her (sounds like you have been, but no harm in repeating) - that he was poorly in your tummy and that you really wanted her to have a baby brother to play with, but that God wanted him to go to heaven and be an angel instead. Maybe you could buy her an angel pendant or ornament and write her a letter to go with it? Some kind of keepsake for her? Just an idea of something that might help her come to terms with it? *feel free to ignore*

My friend's partner died suddenly when she was pregnant with their child, so she's had many chats with her daughter over the years about her daddy being in heaven. I think her technique (usually prompted by a starter question) is to ask if there's anything else she wants to know about her dad - anything at all - and that can bring up all kinds of questions. Just be prepared to answer them as honestly as you can.

Thinking of you xx

 

[gemloulau]

Thank you Mylullaby, that is a lovely idea about getting her an angel of some description. We have a bit of time this weekend when it will just be me and her, we are having a girly afternoon so that may be a good time to raise the subject so that she knows she can always ask questions or talk about it xx

 

[mylullaby]

Glad you like the angel idea. Hope it goes ok this weekend. I think as long as she knows she CAN talk about it, you can let her decide WHEN she's ready to ask any questions she has. Can't imagine how hard it must be for you. You're in my thoughts X

 

[Lilmisshopeful]

Bless her. It's hard to explain it to a child in a way they understand. A helium balloon or Chinese lantern might be a good way for her to put her thoughts down as you can attach a note or write on a lantern then release it together xxx

 

[gemloulau]

I thought maybe showing her the photos of Leo might help to give her a bit of closure - see him for the real baby that he was and let her say goodbye that way. Her mother has said no to that idea though and says she thinks it may be too much for her to handle - I have to respect her wishes on that, its not my place to go against her mother, certainly wouldn't want to cause a fall out because of it.

I think perhaps a I could take her to the butterfly garden where Leo's ashes are scattered and let her see that, read all of the little plaques for the other babies and perhaps read a little poem with her. I think she may like that.

xx

 

[mylullaby]

A trip to the butterfly garden sounds like a lovely idea xx