Bad patch :(

[Lilmisshopeful]

I know we all have our off days and I guess I've just had one of mine. I woke up this morning and just felt like a ten ton weight was sitting on my chest. My heart was beating so fast and loud I could hear and feel it. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed just feeling like I had nothing to get up for and wanted to stay there feeling sorry for myself. Oh has been really good at hugs today and just holding me while I cried. I feel like I'm having panic attacks and I can't shift this feeling no matter how hard I try. I think it's because my due date is coming up soon.

I made a book after Charlie died and put my pictures in there with some poems and quotes. Things I just wanted to say. The books on a box tied with a bow and I keep it in my wardrobe. Every time I go in there I kiss my fingers and touch the box. I've never opened it since I closed it or even taken it off the shelf just knowing it was there was enough. But now I lay here cuddling it as it's all I have left. I've not opened it it's still tied shut and I'm crying big silent tears praying I don't wake up the other half. Such a deep feeling of sadness so different to the hysteria from after when all I did was sob. It's a heavy feeling almost crushing. Hearing my heart beat is driving me mad. I want to squeeze this book so hard I want it to hug me back I wanna hear it cry. What I would give to be awake now for different reasons. God I'm rambling I know but just had to get it out and this is the only place I can do that where I know people will understand and not judge me as it's been 4 months now and I should be over it. I'm ok a lot of the time just random bad days and this being one of them xxx

 

[Cosmogirl7]

Oh god Sarah I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time. It's ok to feel like this, it's not something you just get over in a certain time period. Great that your oh is so supportive, it makes such a difference.

I know how you feel, the due date for the first little one is lost is 14th of January, I'm dreading it coming up and not being pregnant again.

Hope you feel better soon xxx

 

[Lou1103]

sorry hun

4 months is still recent in my eyes and you shouldnt beat yourself up for feeling sad. Especially after deciding to ttc again its a big deal. Hope it starts to feel less raw soon xxx

 

[Lilmisshopeful]

Oh god Sarah I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time. It's ok to feel like this, it's not something you just get over in a certain time period. Great that your oh is so supportive, it makes such a difference.

I know how you feel, the due date for the first little one is lost is 14th of January, I'm dreading it coming up and not being pregnant again.

Hope you feel better soon xxx

Thanks hun. I just wish I could of held him just for a minute. I understand why they said no I'm not stupid he had been dead for a few days but still what I'd give for just that minute.

I just wish that no one had to go through this is such a horrible thing to go through.

January is going to be a rough month I think so many losses on here around the same time. Hope your doing ok xxx

 

[Lilmisshopeful]

sorry hun

4 months is still recent in my eyes and you shouldnt beat yourself up for feeling sad. Especially after deciding to ttc again its a big deal. Hope it starts to feel less raw soon xxx

Thanks hun. Sometimes it feels years ago and other times just like yesterday. Ttc again is a tough choice but I don't have time to wait. Tick tock and that. Having January off tho for obvious reasons xxx

 

[gemloulau]

Hey Lillmiss, I've not been on the forum for ages I thought I'd drop in and see how everyone was doing. I've found it too hard to come on here and I am having regular bad patches. It is Leo's due date next Thursday and the enormity of that has hit me like a ton of bricks.

Just wanted to send my love to you and give you a hug xxxxxxxxxx