Anyone with insensitive relatives?

[Rose83]

So I just needed a place to vent...

I've mentioned on here before that my mum has really failed to do anything but be insensitive about my two losses. Last night she really out did herself. My brother's baby is being induced this afternoon and our parents are coming to stay with me (me and and my brother live in Scotland, they live in South of England) for a week to see the new baby. But my mum is jealous that my brother's fiancée has a big family who are all going to see the baby all the time whereas they won't living at the other end of the country. So being totally childish they told my brother they wouldn't come up til Sunday so that all the family and friends would have had time to visit. I'd already previously pointed out that as the the grandparents (and it's their first grandchild) they should be the straightaway, I knew my brother would be disappointed at their apparent lack of interest.

Sure enough last night he text me and told me he was hurt they weren't coming straight away and that it looked like they weren't bothered. So I rang my mum and told her she needed to be here on Thursday (like my brother had asked them to do) and she got really annoyed, telling me that she wouldn't get a look in so what was the point of being there etc. and then when I said that of course they wanted them there to show off their new baby she said to me 'you don't understand what it's like, you haven't had a baby, she'll not want us there.'

Now I know you could read that as a really unfortunate accidental slip up but knowing my mother I know there was a bit of spiteful venom behind it (it was followed up with 'doesn't matter what you do for your children you're always in the wrong'). I just think it is totally appalling that my own mother would say that to me after two recent miscarriages and knowing that I'm desperately trying again. It's just such a cruel thing to say.

When I rang her to to tell her about my first miscarriage she said 'don't you think you should have waited til you were married?' Six weeks later I rang her to tell her I'd had a second one and she said 'I told you you'd have another one if you didn't wait because that's what happened to that girl at work.'

I'm 30, my brother is 29 my mum is 60. Is it really that much to ask for her to be a normal human being?! Does anyone else have relatives like this? X

 

[charli_]

omg im so sorry your mom is being like that! it makes me mad to think someone would be so insensitive. I've lost one child and I'm not married to the father, i do not believe that anyone miscarries because they aren't married! what a horrible thing to say! I'm raging for you and your brother.

 

[Rose83]

Thanks Charli, she isn't even religious! It's just this weird traditional view she has. And also it wasn't that she thought I miscarried because of that, it's just that that is the first thing that concerns her - not whether I'm ok or not! I'm just dreading this next week because I know it will just be one thing after the other! X

 

[Eryinera]

I have an insensitive family member too The other day I was complaining that my top was too big and they said "Well you shouldn't have ordered the pregnancy sized one then should you!" This was a month after my MC and I didn't deliberately order a top too big it was the smallest work shirt they did. It can be so annoying but you have to smile and nod and pretend you didn't notice what they had just said. But then have a good vent about it later. I'm sorry your mum is acting childish I have a fair share of "drama queens" in my family who can make life hard! Sometimes I feel like I'm the only adult there at times!

 

[lisey]

I would be upset by that too. I have a very insensitive sister. She only knows about 2 of my miscarriages and on her last visit she proceeded to tell me about someone who had lost two babies but later on, than my losses. Her words were "It must be hard to lose one baby but imagine losing two" I felt like screaming, "I don't need to imagine actually..."
I think some people think you are upset for a week and then you're ok, they don't seem to realise that the pain and heartache stays with us. Hope you're ok xx

 

[Rose83]

I actually had a follow up call today where she said that it was mine and my brother's fault for moving to Scotland that she was so detached from our lives and isn't really interested. She said that if she was actually excited about his baby then she would be too upset when she didnt get to see it more than a couple of times a year. I sort of get her reasoning but it doesn't give her an excuse to be a total cow! I realised that in my original post I had mis rememberd what she had said, she actually said 'he's never had a baby, and neither have you, so you don't know what's it like, that's still one over I have on you'...who says that to their daughter who's had two losses?! She really is mental sometimes

But as you say I will be gritting my teeth and bearing it for the week! Althought god help her if she says something like that to my face! X

 

[charli_]

im shocked, i really am! my family have been nothing but supportive, even my emotionally constipated dad! ive been lucky with my family though. my sisters first was miscarried, then she had a son another miscarriage, an ectopic, a daughter and then she unfortunately had to have an abortion over medical grounds. my mom also miscarried her first child and my aunts first child died very young of a hole in her heart. so overall my family is one big tragic mess, but i know all of them have gone on to have more than one child my hopes are high.

 

[Rose83]

Oh Charli what a sad history of events, I suppose at least your family can connect with it all then. Because mine have never gone through it I suppose they have no idea. I keep having to hear about how 'in my day' you had to miss two periods before you tested and so you would never have known if you miscarried. I do know that my parents were married for 8 years before they had me but I don't know how long they were actively trying for - so I guess she could have had miscarriages and never known. I know my nan on my dad's side had several miscarriages and I do seem to take after his side of the family more!

It's so frustrating to be faced with someone who acts like it doesn't matter. As far as I'm concerned I've lost my first and second babies, I feel like as soon as that egg is fertilised and implanted no matter what that is your child and to act like it wasn't is just totally unfair x

 

[charli_]

agreed. my partners mom has three children and she never had a miscarriage, she doesnt understand why im still upset, she thinks i should be over it by now! but i had pinned all my hopes and dreams on my baby girl and when she died she took a huge of chunk of my happiness with her now ii find it hard to be joyful at all.

 

[nds]

rose - i am absolutely shocked to read this. all i could say whilst reading was "oh my god". i was open mouthed!! i can't even believe the comments i'm reading from your mother let alone anyone else. i'm SO sorry for your losses and i'm sorry for your mother coming out with such absolutely awful comments - i honestly don't know what i'd do if that was my mum, probably would refuse to speak. that's just absolutely awful.

ouch, eryinera.

there's absolutely no way, if someone who knew about losing my girl, said something to me that was insensitive, that i would smile and nod. absolutely no way. you're strong to do that!

how can she say that if she knows you have lost 2? again, i'd of said that!

there's no reasoning at all. you two are still her children, and your babies, here or not, are her grandchildren. how incredibly selfish. "mental" is a kind word i'd say! absolutely awful, no excuse.

x

 

[Brighty]

sorry to hear your mum isn't being supportive... my mum is a bit weird about it all.
She had a total of 9 miscarriages around having us 3 kids... so she's really detached about them. when I had my ectopic, she was quite blunt in that it was one of those things. And she didn't even phone my sister through hers... I asked her why, she said she didn't know what to say... and that she didn't need her :O

I told her she was being a cow bag, and not everyone deals with it as well as she did... she soon phoned her...

 

[Rose83]

My mum is definitely an odd one. Today she is clearly excited about my brother's baby and hasn't phoned with any inappropriate comments but you just know there is always this threat that she is about to drop one, intentionally or accidentally! My partner and my brother's has seen enough of her to know that she is a nightmare but my OH has been ready to kill lately, he cannot believe how selfish some of things she says are! We'll see how this week goes, if there is anything totally out of line in person I will have to say something and tell my dad he needs to make her think before she speaks!

Thanks for everyone's support - it's so nice just to hear someone say they understand x

 

[nicejuicypear]

My mum has been fine, I'm lucky on that respect. My cousin hasn't though. She has compared her regret of having an abortion several years ago to my miscarriages. Her brother's girlfriend is due a week before my second miscarriage would have been and despite telling me they were all thinking of me and worried about upsetting me, my cousin texts me stupid stuff. Like when I was out on my birthday about 5 weeks after the miscarriage, she sent me texts laughing at how her mum is freaked out about being a grandma and how she's looking forward to being an auntie. So all I thought about on my lovely birthday meal out was how that should be my mum, and how she and her sister should be looking forward to becoming grandmas at the same time.

The texts and messages have stopped now, because I started ignoring them. I didn't tell her how I felt, I just started blanking anything that mentioned the baby. I think she took the hint.

I have had a couple of comments from friends too, along the lines of 'look at me, 4 kids all unplanned, I just pop them out all over the place and here's you, going through all of this!'. That was after my first miscarriage and the only reason I didn't tip my drink over her head was because I was secretly pregnant with my second (which I later miscarried too) so felt I'd moved on from it.

People say that it's just that unless you've gone through it all, you can't understand, but there's a basic level of common sense. Both my parents are alive, but I wouldn't dream of making crass comments to someone who'd lost a parent. Just because I haven't experienced it doesn't mean I'm not socially aware enough to know what's inappropriate.

 

[lisey]

I totally agree with you, there is a certain amount of empathy and consideration you can have without having gone through it. I am glad the messages have stopped, that would have hurt me too xx

 

[charli_]

same here! my cousin who was 17 when she had her first child had another one a year later and now is pregnant with twins, unfortunately one of them has died. i would never wish that on anyone by the way not even her. but shes a mean person and treats her kids horribly and all i hear now is oh isn't it a shame about your cousins baby such a tragedy.
im sick of hearing about her now. i know i sound bitter but i cant help feeling the way i feel.

 

[Nomi76]

I too have insensitive relatives (in-laws actually). DH and I experienced a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, which required emergency surgery and 3 days in the hospital almost 2 weeks ago. We didn't contact them at the time as they were returning from their winter home to attend their daughter's surgery - which happened to be 2 days after my emergency surgery. Bad timing I know, but it's not like I planned to have an ectopic! Anyway, they called to let us know they arrived back in the country and very briefly mentioned our situation (they were advised by a family member who knew). That's it, the only time it was mentioned. We have seen them 2 or 3 times since and talked to them on the phone many times, but nothing. I realize this is a bit of a different scenario than what you are going through, but I feel for you. Frustrating, madding and sad all at once. Try to stay strong, you're the better person!

 

[nds]

such a shame nomi, i can't think why people would ignore it unless it is a) easier for them to just 'forget' or not acknowledge or b) they may think it's not something you want to talk about especially as so raw xxx

 

[nicejuicypear]

I don't think some people see it as a big deal to be honest. My in laws have barely mentioned it to me and I'm close to them. After my first, my mother in law mentioned it briefly but only in passing. My sister in law not only didn't mention it at all to me, but when I was off sick and really struggling to cope, kept turning up out of the blue and just sitting on our couch all day. Not to provide support, but because she was off work and bored and even when I snapped because I wanted some privacy, she took the huff and I ended up apologising.

I don't know what people think it is, do they just think you're having a bit of a bad, heavy period and you're fine a couple of days later? They don't seem to realise the effects of it can last months and years afterwards.