After much deliberation and heart ache...

[Mel32]

Yesterday i decided to try controlled crying AND end breastfeeding with my 15 month old. I've rocked or fed him to sleep basically since day one and he's spent countless hours in our bed but he is now very heavy and quite violent if i refuse to feed him and try to rock him, and im pregnant again. If anything his sleep got worse recently up every hour ish and then because i wasn't bringing him to bed anymore (because he didn't settle and did acrobatics in my face) also up at 5.30 or earlier most days. He fed like a newborn through the night most nights and at one point i was losing weight from rocking him so much in the night. Additionally due to pregnancy feeding became excruciatingly painful.

Last night i gave him a warm bath, a warm cup of milk and a story downstairs (he associates his room with breastfeeding) rocked him to me singing his lullaby 2 x (whilst i was crying my eyes out!) Then i put him down tried to cover him and said night night and left. My intervals i think where 1,2,4,6,8,10 and during the 12 minute interval i decided id cuddle him on the next visit but he fell asleep 37 minutes. He nearly climbed out his cot at points and was so upset, i was sobbing non stop.

He woke only 2 times (unbelievably!!!!!!!) And it took 19 and 43 minites in that order to get him back to sleep so i worried we were going backwards. Rightly or wrongly i let him get up for the day with some warm milk at 5.20am because he'd done so well and we needed cuddles.

For his morning nap i just did 1,2,4 minutes and noticed he cried when i left but immediately as i walked in and said naptime he stoped crying and lay down, so i decided i don't mind staying here but i just can't help him to sleep as he needs to learn... So i literally stood there and he fell asleep within minutes. Im gobsmacked, he has never known how to get himself to sleep. The crying is horrendous and i cried long after he went to sleep last night but if he will go down like that without tears it will be amazing. Just wish i could've done that last night.

I've spent all night feeling like a horrible mum but I'm desperately hoping ive done the right thing and he'll be a happier more well rested baby. I just needed to know ill be able to feed my newborn so i thought it was the right thing to do.


Essay over!! Anyone else have any experiences??

 

[KHTW]

Well done, really! You are his mum and you only want what's best for him and I am sure he knows it x

I am a big softie and gave up after one try! We still co-sleep and DD is almost 2 years old. But she sleeps well with me and I love the cuddles. But we have only her so it is this much easier x

 

[MrsS15]

Mel you've done amazing, to breastfeed and go without sleep as long as you have is brilliant. You're obviously doing this because it's the right time for you. You're pregnant again and need to take care of yourself too! I think the fact your little man is already taking to it well shows he was also ready for it. Another couple of days and he'll be sleeping so well you'll probably wonder why you haven't done it before!

You're obviously doing an amazing job, so pat yourself on the back rather than beat yourself up hun xx

 

[Mel32]

Thanks both so kind.

I think it upsets me as well because i know some people so strongly disagree makes me think i should have found a gentler way or like im a bad mum. But by this point i think i was too exhausted to stick at any of the slow methods that might not work. And just holding him and rocking him id done for 15 months with no improvement.

The idea of being too pregnant to rock him, or having two kids screaming all night and then choosing between them and needing energy to watch them during the day on zero sleep was getting worrying. I'm sure there'll be many night wakings still but even a reduction should help. All this new found sleep if it continues will be such a tease before new baby ����.

Its a shame co sleeping stopped working for us khtw but he would just feed all night while hanging off the bed or going in circles or lying on my face or kicking or slapping us or chatting etc etc. He mostly stopped sleeping at all so we couldnt do it anymore but would have been nice ti transition just from that, but the feeding needed to stop.

Might give him some expressed milk tonight in a cup tho, seems a shame to waste it.

 

[MrsS15]

Some people might disagree Mel but you've done what felt right for you, so other people can keep their opinions to themselves!

I think when you're at that point of not sleeping, up all night hanging off you, slapping and playing, he's totally ready for his own bed. Before we had children my husband said the one thing he would not have is our child sleeping in our bed and he's stuck to it, our son is almost 9 and has never slept with us. So you and your husband have done well to manage this long! Also I think when your child is up that long through the night, how much sleep are they actually having? It's as much not good for them as it is for you.

Your next baby might be a great sleeper and the teasing won't really be teasing I'd definitely try the expressed milk while reading a book in his room and transition into his bed. It sounds like you're both doing great so honestly don't beat yourself up! Xx

 

[Mel32]

Thanks thats so nice. Cant wait till the worst of its over, i keep just thinking about bedtime right now because i don't know how it will go. Dont think it will be as easy as both his naps as he doesnt expect milk during the day but probably still will at night.

 

[candymycandy]

I agree with mrss that you've done what's right and what's worked for you. I personally agree with cc if it's effective for you but know it's not for everyone but don't judge anyone's choices. It's very very hard as you know but fx things will get easier day by day. You need to look after yourself or you'd be no good to anyone so well done you x

 

[russellmuscle]

I'm one of these people that if I'm against something I'll still always keep an open mind because in parenting there is no right or wrong it's about you and your baby. With the controlled crying I believe there are extremes and that being leavin a small baby who doesn't yet know the world or routine to scream for hours and it's always what people jump to but it's not always the case and sometimes when used correctly has been successful for alot of parents hence the big arms about doing it vs not doing it.

There had been times when Carter spent days just crying I had to sit him in his cot and excuse myself for 5 min intervals. It was the longest hardest 5mins of my life but I needed it or I'd have broke down mentally physically everything. Even that only took a little of the brunt. Thing didn't get better until we got his milk and meds sorted for a while then he could learn to settle and sooth himself.

We are mums and we do what gets us by. You being pregnant means you also have you and another little baba to look out for too so it's about weighing that up. You need sleep you need your body and nutrients back for your body to grow baby and function for your wee man and your little man will learn some space and routine. Quite often once settled they quite like nap time it's their alone time. Plus he won't come back and say for god sake mum I remember that time you let me cry in my cot for a few mins at a time. He won't remember you will though it's us that feel the guilt.

Carter used to never sleep I never thought I'd ever sleep and now I just hear the cry and say oop nap time and off he goes. It wasn't always so easy white noise was my savior ofcourse your little one is a bit older that might rattle him, but perhaps some soft wave noises or a quiet lullaby if he is taking a bit longer.

Babies are jigsaws just keep trying what you can till it works you'll get there.

Don't worry about what anyone else is saying either they shouldn't really be worrying about what your doing either unless it's helpful advice.

Good luck and your doing amazing! PS congrats again!

xxxx

 

[KHTW]

I second the white noise idea. DD is 21 month and she still falls asleep to white noise. We usually play it from 7pm till 11pm.

Good luck and let us know how it is going xx

 

[MrsS15]

How did you get on last night Mel? Xx

 

[Mel32]

Thanks everyone, appreciate the encouragement and reading other peoples experiences!

I think bedtime last night was 27 minutes, i had a very long night sleep according to fitbit 8 hours 42... What???!!!!!! today when it was before 5am i didn't give in and get up, i persisted to try and get more sleep and it worked! But there was lots of wakings it said i was awake 11 times though i dont think itnwas quite as much as that... More wakings than the first night, but easy and fast to settle him (i don't pick him up but decided i would if i thought it was a nightmare or he was ill). and tonight was 12 minutes! I think these times are longer as i TRY to stay in the room after 1 minute of leaving as i find its more gentle, but if he is a bit chatty or playing with his cot bars etc ill step out and continue the crying intervals.

Still find it bizarre that he cries when i first put him down and leave but if i come back in and say night night he goes silent and lies himself down ( doesn't seem to be trying to get picked up). Its just because since maybe day 2 after being born he had never ever just fallen asleep sat or lying on his own. Met a friends babies and was gobsmacked to see them just go to sleep on their own without being held etc!!!!

I'm glad the first night is over as that was pretty much solid crying, it didn't feel 'controlled' as even me being in the room or briefly patting his back didn't work.

Regarding feeding hes had a tiny bit of expressed.... But nothing from me! Think thats defo over, boohooo

Xx

 

[Rose83]

You're my inspiration Mel. I'm due in 8 weeks and am still getting all this needing to be cuddled to sleep nonsense from my 15 month old. His sister's big girl bedroom should be finished very soon and then he is going in his own room (that she vacates) and I will be doing cc. You've done so well! X

 

[Mel32]

That's so kind rose!!

I never wanted to do it but the feeding was so sore and sleep (or lack of) was ridiculous and I didn't want to do it twice (stop feeding, then do sleep training weeks later )as it seemed uneccesary to go through that twice and I'm gobsmacked how well he's taken to not feeding. I'm not that concerned about my own sleep but I don't think it's sustainable to be up with and feeding two all night. Also think a gap between stopping feeding and giving birth will hopefully avert jealousy in that area which I'm sure you mentioned before.

Progress has slowed down I think because sometimes I stay in the room to avoid crying, but that also might be distracting him from sleeping so I often end up leaving anyway! And for his last nap I picked him up twice and took him downstairs before settling him as I genuinely thought he was in pain, but I'm sure that kind of thing slows progress a bit!! He had a late night tonight due to a late but very necessary nap and I didn't want to try bedtime at normal time because I thought he'd be wide awake. Anyway I've basically only heard a 'waaaaa' and a few noises out of him and he's asleep!! That's the least crying yet!!!

So in the first week he has very shamefully for me had 2 nights off routine but he's doing so well and not up much in the night generally and settles quickly or completely on his own. I honestly can't believe he now knows how to get himself to sleep!

 

[Eryinera]

I think at the age your doing it at cc is perfectly acceptable it's when people do it on baby baby's I'm against. In a sense I've accidently done it with my 7 week old. When I need a wee I put her in her basket and tell her I'll be right back and I go pee. I've noticed now she's quiet happy to go in her basket while I go pee and dhe doesn't cry anymore but when I get back to her she is either smiling or asleep! At nights unless she needs a feed most of the time now all she needs to get back to sleep is my face peeping over her cot. But if I see it's not working I try to get her out before she cries so she knows she doesn't have to. I hope it continues but that's wishful thinking lol but hopefully what we did with my son was go back at set time intervals crying or not so he knew we always were there then slowly increased the time.

 

[Mel32]

Yeah i put it off so long as i didn't want him to be a baby baby and i suppose i didnt have the motivation i do now.

So the big news is... He slept through last night. I got 7.5 hours sleep which i think might be an overcount from my fitbit from me lying still before i fell asleep (typical for first time in ages i really struggled to get to sleep last night). But even tho he was off routine again with late bed time (maybe 8.30 ish) he slept through till just before 7am, my husband popped his head in this morning and said he was already sitting up.

Cant believe 1st time in his life he slept through and without being in our bed or breastfeeding etc!!

 

[Eryinera]

Wow huge congratulations. I think sometimes you just know it's time to change!

 

[Mel32]

And he slept through again!!

Was very hard to get him to sleep last night almost on par with the first night of training! But he slept through so im grateful!

 

[Rose83]

How are you getting on now Mel? We finally got my daughter's room finished and moved her in there and my son in the nursery on Monday. To cut a long story short he has done really well and is having his bottle and falling asleep easily in the cot and even slept right through the night with no dream feed bottle on the second night. But nap times he isn't getting it at all. I'm now an hour and a half into trying to get him to nap in his cot and he just keeps screaming. Annonyingly he was napping in his cot before, I would cuddle him to sleep for 5 minutes then put him in the cot and that was it, he'd be asleep but now I can't even do that. As soon as I put him down he wakes and screams. What do you do? X

 

[Mel32]

Hi rose!

I find nap times a bit harder too- i was wondering if he was trying/ready to drop his morning nap so today i took him a walk but before 10am he was sound asleep so it seems he still needs 2 naps a day. Nothing is perfectly timed here because although we have a bedtime routine i haven't really got a set bedtime as im stuck in a loop of him over or under napping so needing earlier or later bedtimes and therefore in a vicious cycle.

He usually sleeps through and generally wakes up early (but had a few lie ins this week till nearly 6.30 yey!!) But he doesn't go down easily that often usually a bit of crying. Surprisingly we had a long weekend away in a city apartment and he went down sooo easy all 3 nights with barely a sound... I was expecting the opposite. So basically finding it all very unpredictable.

Do you follow any routine before you put him down? Daytime i sing the same song as always ×2 while rocking him then put him down awake and say naptime... At bedtime he has a lullaby (different to daytime song) x2 while rocking and i say a few words and night night as i put him down awake i dont know if he can tell the difference. Some nap times and random bedtimes he persists quite a while and if i think hes too upset i wont lift him but ill rub his back or tickle him or something , in the past me just being there has helped him to sleep. Im still waiting for the consistently tear-free sleep times!


Very long story short sounds like we are in a similar boat except he doesn't seem to persist as long as that. Is he otherwise well? Does he seem to be teething?

Hang in there!! X

 

[Rose83]

Does seem like we are pretty similar! Things have been improving but we had a disaster nap today (an understatement as there was no nap).

Night time has become a dream come true (mostly) for him. We do have a fairly strict bedtime routine which I think helps and that's nothing new as we've always done the exact same: watch in the night garden on CBeebies until 6.45 then we go upstairs for a bath. After the bath pjs are put on and then they both sit on our bed watching an episode of peppa pig while we dry my daughter's hair (very long hair for a 2.5 year old!). Then my partner (as long as he is in) takes her to bed and I take our son so now he trots happily off to his room and stands by the cot pointing for his bottle (I heat it before the bath and leave it in his room) so now I put him in the cot and pass him the bottle and put his blanket over him. I sit close to the cot until he finishes the bottle then swap the bottle for his dummy and move to the chair on the other side of the room and wait for him to fall asleep. He has stopped making any fuss at all and usually in 10-15 minutes he is asleep and I can leave. He hasn't done another complete through the night but we have had two 'almosts' where he has just stirred at about midnight and I've got him back to sleep by just sitting in the room with him and reassuring him.

Nap time we have lunch at 12 and then by the time that's all done with it's about 12.30/12.45 that we head upstairs and change everyone's nappies, I send my daughter off to her bed and then just say it's nap time and my son again wanders off to his cot and for the last four days he has just been placed in bed and got a blanket on him and I sat in the chair and he was falling asleep no problem and I thought I'd cracked the whole thing. But then today he just would not sleep and after an hour and a half I just gave up and everyone was refusing.

It's now my daughter being a pain, she has decided she won't fall asleep without someone lying beside her and it's sometimes been taking over an hour. I think she is just a bit unsure of the new bed. She definitely isn't teething as she has all her teeth. My son is actually just working on his last molar which has only pushed the very sharp tips through so far so I expect he is suffering a bit with that x