A post on "Gender Disappointment": food for though

[Steelgoddess]

Before I write this this is NOT a target on ppl that have posted on here, on anyone in particular, in no way is it meant to upset, flame, or make anyone feel bad, its just something I feel wanted to discuss.

I think I'm mainly posting this because I would not feel comfortable posting here if I did not say it.

Over the past few weeks or so i know quite a few of the members on here have discussed their feelings on this subject, and i understand we are here to support one another but am I not right in thinking we are a forum of pregnancy, life and celebratory??

I can honestly not get my head around this subject and I'm starting to feel quite upset about this subject, is to want for a sex and feel disappointed over it not a bit... Urm selfish???

I guess really feel a few of us need to start looking in the miscarriage and loss section to find out what disappointment really is... Women who are so desperate to have their first child or maybe siblings for their other children who have loss after loss, or maybe in the fertility section where I see women who have been trying 1 2 3 sometimes over five years for children, so yes I guess I find it quite upsetting to hear a few of you feel disappointed over this subject...

I would ask you to see the coin from the other side, what if you were not bothered about the sex of your child but the father was to the point he expressed that if it was a girl he would leave you or they told you they could not guarantee that child would be treated the same as other ?

Please note that when I write this I do not mean that wanting a certain sex is wrong, I guess i feel everyone should just enjoy their pregnancy be happy that life has been created and will safely make it, I'm sorry but to me its like getting a Lamborghini but not being able to choose the colour, an odd analogy but can you see partly where I am coming from?

I guess i just wanted to express how I felt, I felt very disappointed for a lady I work with today, who had IVF she said if she was in the next day (IE today) then it was good news and she was pregnant and if not then she was not.

That lady wasn't in today, I doubt whether she would of cared if she was having a boy or a girl.

Whatever the reason you feel you may be disappointed over gender try walking a mile in someone else's shoes, realise how lucky you really are, and rather then getting worked up envision coming to the end of your long journey and holding your baby in your arms. It will be worth it whatever the sex...

Thanks for listening...

 

[mary70]

 

[*Star*]

ok, i see where your coming from BUT i have lost three babies. I lost Oliver's twin at about 8 weeks pregnant, and I have had two miscarriage one in Oct last year and on in Dec last year.

I am very grateful and excited that I am pregnant, and so far this pregnancy seems healthy and fine. But I still cannot get out of my head that I have to have my daughter.

 

[Riot_Grrrl]

well said..but i still want a boy

 

[Steelgoddess]

ok, i see where your coming from BUT i have lost three babies. I lost Oliver's twin at about 8 weeks pregnant, and I have had two miscarriage one in Oct last year and on in Dec last year.

I am very grateful and excited that I am pregnant, and so far this pregnancy seems healthy and fine. But I still cannot get out of my head that I have to have my daughter.

Thanks for replying, i think its useful to be able to talk openly and honestly...

Maybe addressing the issue surrounding your want/need for a girl might help. Outline why a girl is so important to you, and how you would feel about having another boy...

I know obviously you can do different things with girls, a girl might closer to her Mummy (I was always a Daddy girl ) be able to have "girly" days and maybe bond better, maybe make your family complete??

However its not always how life works, we can only make good of what we have, not wish for what we don't or which may not be possible.

Wishing for something which may not be possible will only make you depressed, and then yes (And not saying you will) you may grow to resent the fact you are having a boy.

Either way I am not here to change how you feel, to judge or preech to, I just believe theres a bigger picture to see, our life is what we make of it...

 

[Sydneysmum]

Sound and sober reasoning. I guess some people can't help how they feel and some of the comments I've read are people feeling guilty that their gender disappointment feelings are wrong. I guess they fear rejection feelings towards a loved and wanted baby.

An ex boyfriend of mine was blighted by the fact that his dad wanted a girl, not a boy. He was told by his dad that it was like ordering a blue snooker table and getting a green one, as a result he was pretty screwed up.

Girls and boys are obviously different (you can't dress a boy in a frilly dress!) but children deserve to be treated as individuals regardless of their gender. You're right, every child should be valued and we are all lucky to be carrying a child at all considering the difficulties some people face.

 

[*Star*]

I think that if I find out next month that I am having a girl boy then i will initially will be disappointed. But I LOVE my two boys SO MUCH and I love how they are together and growing up together, then I think I will get used to the idea of having a boy and loving him just as much as my other two.

I know I would never NOT love my child, be it a boy or a girl, I think my issue is the IDEA of having another boy. That's what i have to get over.

why do i want a girl? i guess because it's what i don't have. maybe it is just as simple as that?

 

[Tracey S]

I can sort of see this from both sides.

I already have a boy and a girl aged 13 and 15. When we went for our scan last year something looked wrong, the sonographer couldnt see the stomach, we were rebooked for a week later, but I was still compelled to ask the sex of the baby, it was a girl, I was so happy, I had said I wasnt really bothered but deep down I was ecstatic that we would be having a daughter. In the end it wasnt to be, our baby - Heidi, had Edwards Syndrome and we had to have a medical termination due to the severity of her condition.

Now I am pregnant again, and I have the same feelings again, I am not too bothered but I know my DP has said that he would want a girl, not to replace Heidi, but in a way to help us get to the goal that was taken away from us last year. I worry about the health of this baby and when I really think about it it doesnt matter if its a boy or a girl, all I want is to get to the end of this pregnancy and hold my healthy baby in my arms, boy or girl it doesnt matter.

And in the end we love our little ones no matter if they are blue or pink

Tracey xx

 

[Steelgoddess]

I just wanted to clarify that "wanting" a specific sex is not what my message was about. What I am talking about is actual dissapointment and working oneself up based on sex...

If you ladies know that you will love ur babbys no matter what then there is no problem to start off with

Tracey S Im sorry to hear about your loss, and I do understand...

 

[Mildly]

Good post Sharne!

I have mentioned before that I was originally hoping not to have a girl until I was able to think through my reasoning. Much of my reservations were related to stereotypical notions of gender and a lack of knowledge where babies were concerned.

I hope to bring up my child and any future children in a non-gender specific way but yet to let them develop their own interests. If my son really wants to wear pink and play with dolls then he can and I will do my very best to not shudder at the pinkness and make him happy. Same goes for any daughter that I may have.

I don't know very much at all about kids but I know they are all very individual. Therefore I refuse to have any expectations of their behaviour (except in my kids case of good manners and tolerance, by which I hope I can lead by example). Therefore reliance on a certain gender to behave in a certain way, for me, is a daft notion. Perhaps my son will hate fishing with his Dad, or watching football but maybe he'll love spending time in the kitchen cooking with his Dad. I'd like to think that he'll enjoy building computers with his Mum but it isn't going to break my heart if he doesn't as I'm sure we'll have something else in common that we can bond over even if the only thing we have in common is those 9 months that he spent hanging out in my belly

 

[kazlin]

I admit that I did have a slight preference for a boy, but thinking about it, I think that that stemmed back from when I used to babysit, it was always with boys. Maybe I just thought that I would feel more comfortable with a boy than a girl, I really don't know.
I do however know that I wouldn't have been at all disappointed if Danny had been a Danni, I would have wanted and loved her exactly the same

I quite like the idea of Dan having a little sister now though

 

[NickyB]

I agree Sharne

My Dad told me he wanted a little boy (I'm an only child) BUT as soon as I was born he wasn't disappointed he got a girl, he was amazed how much he loved me straight away. How sweet is that?

However, it didn't screw me up. And, in general, I completely agree with the sentiments about the disappointment when there are many people who would give anything to have their own baby.

 

[mrs_tommo22]

Hi sharne,

I can see why you put this post - and why it bothers you and so many if the others in TTC. If i had spent years TTc i would be annoyed at peoples attitudes as well.

Hving had two children I feel i can comment on this - when i had my son i didnt care of he were boy or girl, i was just thrilled to be pregnant! and whebn he was born i felt like i has won the lottery having a gorgeous boy!

Though when i had my second admittedly i immediately thought - i want a girl! selfish, i didnt think it was, i think it was a natural thing to want a girl after having a boy and giving my husband the daughter he craved - thoiugh this does not men that stephen wasnt wanted cos we love him so much.

Though when she was born, she was beautiful and she was the girl i wanted, but she filled my heart with the same love as her brother before her did.

If i had more children, i dont think i would be bothered about the sex this time - just knowing that the baby was healthy would be enough.

Though i can see why some of the ladies are funny about their babies gender, yes it can be percieved as selfish - but you dont know their reasons for wanting a boy/girl. They may have very genuine reaosns that they simply do not want to share.

Though if they say they just want a girl to dress her in pink then i would look at them like this there not freaking dolls and will bitch at you when there old enough

 

[beanie]

I think that peoplehave their own reasons for prefering a sex, for various reasons. I knew someone who was so worried about having a boy due to issues of sexual abuse, she admitted she would have been "devastated" to find out she was carrying a boy.However I feel telling her to be grateful and realise how lucky she was would have been a slap in the face as she knew how lucky she was but couldn't help the way she felt and used to beat herself up over how she felt.

I have been lucky in that I couldn't care less what my babies are aslong as they are healthy etc etc(though it was handy having another girl as it meant she could wear Seren's old clothes). But I can also understand why people get so fixated on the sex of their baby. .

 

[Steelgoddess]

Apparently My Dad was dissapointed when I was born (They didnt have scans back then )

Little did he know i turned out to be a right tomboy, i hated dresses and loved climbing trees and all my mates were boys, I was so mad when i realised I had to wear a bra I became Daddys girl bt even from a baby...

Its only when I came into my late teens I started discovering makeup, doing my hair, wearing dresses...

Just goes to show sometimes things go against the grain, i guess things may not of worked out if I was a boy who liked wearing makeup and dresses....

 

[dannii87]

I'm really split because I 100% agree with the morals you write about Sharne, and being fortunate enough never to have suffered a miscarriage I have counted my blessings throughout the pregnancy so far just to be... well, pregnant!!

I get really upset when I hear of miscarriages to the point where I even feel guilty about the days where I wonder how I'll cope! I keep telling myself "appreciate every kick, every ache, every stretch mark even" lol Just because I cannot even start to begin to imagine how it must feel to go through miscarriage (or loss of ANY sort).

However, on the other hand, I can also empathise with the other side of it.

I would probably feel my family was not "complete" in a sense if I had a couple of one sex and none of the other... I would of course still love my baby, it goes without saying! I think it's the "ok, well this is my baby, maybe not the sex I'd have hoped for but it's still MY little baby!" attitude..

I was able to not be bothered either way what the sex of this bubs was because it is my first and with your first I think to an extent it's hard to comprehend what it must feel like to prefer a certain sex.

I think when people post when they are worried about how they might react or worried about how they might feel if they hear their baby is a sex they'd have not preferred, is a good thing because we should all come on here each day knowing that we can post our true worries and concerns without being judged. I hope that can continue...

If people were to come on here and say "if it's a girl, I don't want it" or "I won't love my baby if it's a boy" then I'd agree with you completely Sharne but they're not in all fairness, just voicing a concern of theirs.

I haven't personally noticed any outright bad comments with people preferring a certain sex, in fact, I've noticed in most posts people actually saying they feel guilty about preferring a certain sex and we are then able to encourage them and send "blue/pink dust their way!" (not that it makes an ounce of difference lol)

I like the fact that this topic is around because it's nice to hear people's views and it's good to get out how you feel if you feel strongly about something, but at the same time, I hope people don't have to lie and say they are absolutely delighted with the news of a boy/girl as they might need our support and comfort with encouraging them that they WILL get through the initial disappointment and love their baby no matter what.

Hugs all round (hope I haven't offended anyone) xxx

(My Mum agrees with you by the way, her thoughts are that sex is just an added bonus but the child itself is a blessing)

 

[mibiuk]

I am going to sit here and reply to this thread but I think my comments will be taken the wrong way but like the rest of you I do have a voice and should be entitlted to an opinion whether you agree or not.

Its a great thread btw Sharne and it does give food for thought.

My personal opinion and this is what may cause a riot is that I think you should NOT be allowed to know the sex of any child you are carrying just get the scans to reassure and to make sure all is ok with your unborn child.. for me its all down to the luck of the draw and I would be grateful if I had a cheer leading team or a football team or a healthy mix at the end of the day its a human life.

Being that I have been one of the unfortunates that have had m/c and other pregnacy related issues this does seem to touch a raw nerve with me.. I can honestly say that if we had been unlucky to lose this LO then that would be the end for us in regards trying.. we would just be putting it down to the fact we were only ever supposed to have our son and be grateful for that because some people never even get that opportunity through no fault of there own and usually at great expense if on IVF.

I know people who are gutted that have found out the sex of there babies and just keep trying in the vain hope of the sex they are so desperate for... is this fair on any other siblings?

Well i am going to roll my neck in now and sorry if I have offended anyone.

Take care
Kathy x

 

[Jade&Evie]

Thanks for making this post Sharne! I felt quite sad yesterday when I read through the other posts about people only wanting a certain gender.

I couldn't have cared less- and my OH who thought he wanted a boy has now decided that baby will be 'Daddy's Princess'

I didn't realise how common it was- but I agree with mibiuk; that if it IS so common then people shouldn't be allowed to know. I know that in China where they are limited to 1 child there have been stories of people ABORTING healthy babies because they are the 'wrong' sex... it scares me that maybe people over here would do the same thing if they were on their 'last chance' and didn't get what they wanted

As long as my baby is happy and healthy (and doesn't ruin my fanny forever! ) I will love it to pieces... but if she does turn out to be a boy I will still be dressing her in the cute dresses and shoes I've bought... no-one would know for the first few months

 

[claire2711]

I honestly do not have a preference for what sex my baby is....i mean its not like i can change it or anything right? so why worry about it? i agree with my mum's point of view, "as long as he/she's happy and healthy"

there are so many terrible conditions and bad things in life, a child is a blessing, no matter what sex they are. xxx

 

[MissSara]

I guess when you already have one child i feel it is natural to want the other sex. And people who have a girl and a boy i feel are very lucky.

I have lost twins and had a previous MC in 2004 so to me it was knowing that my baby was healthy and ok that i first wanted to see when we went for our scan, and although people do say they will be disappointed, i thought to myself that i would be but as soon as you are told your baby is healthy i don't think i even cared if he was pink, blue or yellow.......lol.

Yeah i admit i still want a girl in the future but that doesn't stop me loving my boys no matter what. Plus Harrison really really wanted a brother...lol.

By the way this is a good thread.