A friend who had a MC and I'm pregnant.

[BunnyN]

Wanted to ask some advice from you ladies who are unfortunate enough to have suffered a MC. There is a friend of the family that I've known for a long time and recently gotten closer to by e-mail. She was one of the first who knew I was pregnant, she was really excited and said she was looking forward to meeting the baby. She mentioned that she loves being involved with babies because she can't have her own so I've been telling her about my pregnancy and everything. Then I found out from someone else that she had a miscarriage a few years ago and now she cant have a baby and it is still a very sore subject, and she still finds some baby stuff really hard to cope with, now I'm wondering if I'm sharing too much. I know she genuinely wants to meet the baby and be an 'auntie' but I'm wondering if talking about pregnancy stuff is just upsetting. I had a CP myself and for a while after didn't really want to look at other peoples babies or pregnant women because they made me cry but because I lost it so early I didn't go through any of the pregnancy stuff like doctors and scans so that stuff doesn't bring the same emotions for me as it might for her. I'd appreciate some advice from women who have suffered loss on how I can be empathetic to her feelings but still involve her where I can. How would you feel about it and how much would you want to be involved?

 

[Juice]

I had a MC a few weeks ago and at first it was really hard seeing other pregnant women. I had a cousin who was pregnant and gave birth a few days ago, a close friend who is due in November and another not so close friend who is due the same time I should have been. The not so close friend, I had to delete on Facebook because I just couldn't stand seeing her updates and statuses knowing that I should be going through all those things too.
However, I understand that being pregnant is the most exciting thing that can happen to you, and of course people want to talk about it. It hurts but I can't remove myself from reality, or expect everyone to tiptoe around me in case they upset me.
Your friend must be feeling some of these emotions too. She'll probably be sad in one way that she can't experience pregnancy but very happy for you at the same time. If it's been a few years since her MC, she might have completely come to terms with it, accepted it, and no longer has a desire to have a child of her own? I know of distant relative of mine who wanted children but when she found out she couldn't have them, she eventually accepted it and decided to focus on her career instead. But everyone is different.
Maybe you could carefully try to ask her about it? Ask her if she'd like to talk about it. Tell her that you talk so much about your pregnancy, you'd like to hear about her experiences.
I'd continue to tell her what she's asked and hope that if it gets too much for her that she'll tell you.
Good luck.

 

[flisstebbs]

I'm on the recurrent mc path. I find it painful when close friends get pregnant and have babies, but I swallow it down and shelve those selfish and unhelpful emotions and get on with enjoying these wonderful additions to my life in various ways. I think this is a healthy way to handle it. It sounds like your friend is trying to handle it this way too. May be best to ask her up front how she feels about it though, I'm now at a place where I'm very open with people about it.

I would hate to think anyone close to me was pulling away in order not to upset me, I've agreed with all my friends that i'll tell them if things are too much rather than them assume it is for me, that just feels like i'm being excluded/patronised.

 

[BunnyN]

Thanks for your helpful comments. The problem is she didn't tell me in person about the MC so I'm not sure I should bring it up. It seems that it is still very painful for her not to be able to have children but she may have worked through a lot of stuff because it was a few years ago and she does enjoy being involved with other peoples babies. I think it is a good idea to tell her about the stuff she asks, maybe I'll just keep her informed in a general way and let her ask me stuff if she wants to.

 

[JJ Mum]

Hi Bunny, I agree with the ladies, that asking her carefully is the best way, if you don't tell her as much or hold back a bit mroe than normal, she will end up notticing and feel like your not wanting to tell her so much, it could cause other probs. I would be honest, and say the more preg you get, the more worried you are of how this is affecting her and her feelings, knowing she cant have any, you don't need to mention the mc, leave it to her to fill in the gaps if she wishes, even if she just reiterates how she enjoys being part of your baby, then at least you know you have asked, and she may really appreciate your concern here , if she does have any feelings like this.