Why haven’t we had our babies yet?

[Blueflower]

That is so true Unicorn, we will have so many transferable skills! And I hope never to take my children for granted once I get them. I married late and always appreciate my lovely husband so hope I can do that with my babies too!

 

[Unicorn]

I'm sure you will Blueflower, I have everything crossed for you xx

 

[Mar_15]

When I was younger I always assumed I would accidentally get pregnant one day. I just didn't realise that lots of pregnancies are actually planned. I will always remember the exact moment we decided to have children. It was such an amazing moment. I'm not sure we will ever get married as OH has weird feelings about marriage, but I think that moment will always mean more to me than a proposal, and having to wait has made that decision even more meaningful. We've both had plenty of time to change our minds but we haven't.

The last year has given us time to work on our relationship through a few big problems (health issues and unemployment) and it would have been much harder to do that with a baby here. I think we've learnt to be more in tune with each other and kinder to each other. I wouldn't recommend TTC for improving your sex life, maybe it's good practice to have to learn to turn each other on even when we're not in the mood.

Finally, I hope this makes me a kinder person. I remember when I was younger thinking something along the lines of "infertility is no big deal, I would just adopt". I hope I've learnt now to be more empathetic and not to judge people in situations that I don't understand.

Feeling positive today. We will all get there soon enough and even if we have to wait another year I'm sure there is a lot more to learn in the meantime. x

 

[Blueflower]

That's very true, we have become closer too and its so true what you say about sex, haha! Trying to do it as its a 'good' time and putting so much effort into it!

I was thinking yesterday maybe I need to rethink my focus and maybe the main part of my life isn't the 'mum' part? Maybe its the 'now' part, my career decisions and achievements, different places I've lived, different relationships, building the relationship with DH, our achievements together, what we've created in terms of our home and our lives now. Maybe the 'mum' part will come later and be an addition rather than my whole identity?

 

[Mar_15]

I think that's a really good approach Blueflower. I'm trying to do the same and focus on my career a bit more.

It's difficult because a couple of friends have told me "don't worry, it'll happen when you stop stressing", and I really just want to punch them in the face. I do want to focus on other things and distract myself, but when people suggest it like it will magically get me pregnant, it sort of defeats the point.

I think I'm happier now I've accepted that it is something that worries me and upsets me and that doesn't make it my fault that I'm not conceiving. At the same time I want to get ahead in my career because, like you say, TTC isn't my whole identity.

 

[Blueflower]

I read an article in a fertility magazine at our local clinic which said no one would ever say to someone with an illness "just relax and you will get better!" It also said that infertility causes stress but stress doesn't necessarily cause infertility otherwise women in war-torn areas of the world would never have babies.

People say it will happen when we go on holiday but we've had about 5 holidays since ttc and nothing. But if you correct them they think you are being defensive and stressy!! I.e. no wonder you can't get pregnant! I was perfectly calm until their comment!

 

[Loubalouba]

Oh yes and everyone also says... Think positive and it will happen!!! No my thoughts are not going to make it happen, science is science and to get pregnant a scientific complex process has to occur!! I constantly battle with myself and blame myself for every negative thought I am terrified that that thought might have reduced my chances!!! People have no idea what it is like to go through this for years..

I think the pyscholgical stress of this is immense and it's impossible not to stress and impossible to think positive all the time, people who try for years get pregnant and I am sure they are still stressed about it when they get pg. people also say to me if u just stop trying it will happen!!! U here all of these stories of people adopting and then getting pg... Have they thought that that might just be a coincidence!!

How do u stop trying anyway!!!

Good approach blueflower I need to adopt that one! Our sex life has def gone down the pan lately I wish I could switch off this Ttc obsession xx

 

[phonixgirl]

A lady at work adopted then got preg, ha. And our sex life has also gone down the pan.

I always thought I would never be 'the infertile one' and I laugh now when I spent so many years trying to prevent pregnancy. I actually would have quite happily been a teenage mum and had an 'accident'. I have always imagined myself as a mum - need to start seeing myself as something else, something different. X

 

[Blueflower]

Yes when I eventually get pregnant if people say to me "I bet it happened when you relaxed" I will shout in their face "of course not, it took a lot of effort, endless appointments, a deal of pain, tears & double figures thousands of pounds!"
My dad thought it was my fault my embryos didn't implant because I was stretching up to the washing line!

No its impossible to stop trying unless you don't have sex! I never thought I'd be the infertile one either, my mum adopted us but it didn't occur to me the same thing would happen to me!

I agree, an accident would have been preferable to no family at all!

Yes I need to accept my identity as myself instead of a childless woman, much the same as I am myself rather than just a wife.

 

[Unicorn]

I apologise for the negativity up front.........
My career has unexpectedly rocketed since we have been trying to conceive and yet I can't help but think what am I doing all this for? My whole purpose and motivation for everything has always been to provide for my family, but now I have the great job, good salary, amazing husband, great home but will never be complete without being a Mum. If that isn't going to happen I would prefer to be a nursery nurse and although I wouldn't have the same sort of income I have now, it's not as if I need it if I don't have a family and at least I would be doing something I love!
I've got a hell of a long way to go until I give up on this though, with adoption certainly as an option. I would be very interested in others considertions of adoption, especially your Blueflower, given your experience? xx

 

[Blueflower]

Have you had any treatment yet Unicorn?
I can't see myself giving up either, we said maximum 4 tries of IVF but would then consider one round with donor eggs. But then stop after that and look into adoption.

I still feel very angry that we might have to adopt when my parents had to, such bad luck should skip at least one generation! I want children who I am blood related to as I've never had that. So with a donor egg it wouldn't be quite mine. And adoption is different these days, hardly any young babies, most have problems and you have to keep in touch with the birth family. So I am still very 'not fair!' about my situation, just trying to make sense of it.

Do you have any questions about being adopted?

 

[Unicorn]

Hi Blueflower, we've 'only' been trying for a year but we have already found out some really shocking issues we face - Hubby has a chromosome abnormality which poses a risk and complications with IVF and I have a unicornuate (half a) uterus so have just had a laparoscopy to remove my fallopain tube on my underdeveloped side to prevent what was a much increased risk of ectopic pregnancy, so not great prosepcts! I also have a hormone imbalance so I spot each month before my period. But on a positive note my ovaries and the half a uterus and fallopian tube I do have look really good! I start clomid next month to try and regulate my hormones but given what we have had to face so far I am certainly not ruling out adoption! I'm certainly under no illusion that this could be a very long and / or expenisve road as the current waiting list for IVF in our area is 2 and a half years and I do not consider myself a patient person, especially when it comes to something as important as this!
I work in child protection and preventitive services and have always wanted to foster and / or adopt but I was hoping to have biological children first. Changes being proposed to adoption legislation mean that we should see a lot more babies being placed for adoption from birth soon! So, we'll see how that filters down into practice xx

 

[phonixgirl]

Oooooo I like the sound of those proposed changes although I take it adoptive parents will still need to keep in touch with the biological family...

I like the idea of adopting but DH wants a baby of his own blood.

It took my mum 4 years to get pregnant with me. I always knew how long they'd been married but it never occurred to me that maybe they had problems too. Just hers weren't quite as bad as mine lol.

Unicorn - 2 1/2 years is a long time. Here, we just say the word and off you go. We chose to hold off until October/November but could have had it straight away. X

 

[Unicorn]

Well not necessarily, biological parents have no parental responsibility for the child so cannot make any demands on contact but when issuing an adoption order the court can include clauses relating to contact with the biological family if they believe it to be in the best interest of the child, which given the proposed changes for babies to be adopted younger and have a whole new start in life, isn't very likely and may only consist of letter box contact once a year or something!
Yeah, in Wales (unlike England) they have a protocol that all couples need to wait a minimum of a year on the IVF waiting list and then the waiting list obviously just becomes a year + so in Cardiff it is now more like 2 1/2 years! And you still have to go through all of the regular hoops to even get on the waiting list! xx

 

[Blueflower]

Sounds as if you have a lot of hurdles. A lady on here got pregnant via IVF last summer with a unicornate uterus, I think it was xCharliex? That might give you hope?

That's good news about the new legislation! Most people assume you can adopt a young baby but its just not the case at the moment. In our LA you only have letterbox contact with the parents but regular face to face contact with the siblings which I think is fair enough and I'd be happy with that.

 

[Unicorn]

Yeah, I've chatted with Charlie, she's been really reassuring! It was amazing to fine someone else with the same condition, given that it is so rare! xx

 

[phonixgirl]

I really have no idea about adoption. I really should start looking into a bit more.

We only get one go at IVF on the NHS here so I do feel it is my last shot. My parents have offered to help financially but I would feel bad. I might have another go but only if I feel confident.

Feeling a bit down today. Lots of preg talk in the office. X

 

[Unicorn]

Have you tried IVF yet phonixgirl? xx

 

[Blueflower]

I don't think there's an adoption section on here is there? We could start a thread about adoption, I know its a pregnancy forum but I'm sure many of us are considering it and they have one on Fertility Friends!

 

[phonixgirl]

No hun. We only get one go on the NHS here and the way I was (bleeding sometimes from ovulation to my period, then having a full-on period), I thought there was no way it would be a success - even if the egg was fertilised, it wouldn't implant and I wouldn't be able to carry it. At the moment, I am just trying to put myself in the best position possible ready for when we do do IVF.

Also, we are going on a three week holiday in September so we wanted to wait until after we got back.

Xxx