What do you say?

[shesmurf]

Today I will see a family for the first time since they lost their twins. They were just over half way there and the mum-to-be looked fab the last time i saw her all glowing and happy. We haven't had any contact with them since it happened, and found out therough mutual friends. Emotions are bound to be running high as it only happened extremely recently. I don't obviously want to put any detail in this as it is a private matter for them and I struggled over whether I even had the right to mention it to anyone else but I'm really struggling over what to put in our card. I'm finding it doubly hard as I feel like I will be adding insult to injury showing up with my bump intact and am actually hoping they won't be home so we can get accross our sypathy without them having to see me.
There really is nothing I feel I can say that will help. Anything I think of seems so sterile like I'm speaking about/to a stranger. They are words anyone could use.

I suppose I'm really looking for those who've lost to tell me it will get better for them.

 

[tracey 2]

firstly im very sorry for the loss of the twins

like you say there are no words and some times just letting them know you are there for them makes a huge difference

i would just simply put a message putting thinking of you and here if you need me and leave it as that, its such a hard time and i know personally i didnt want everyone around me asking how i was and how sorry they were for me when i needed was to be left alone and to know people were thinking of me and here if i needed them to talk.

i do hope it goes ok hun and it can be just as hard for you in a way being there with your bump and there will be awkward feelings but for all of you i hope day goes as easy as it can be

 

[Tracey S]

What I found when I lost Heidi last year was that a lot of people treated us differently and I really didnt like that, I wanted to be treated normally, I know that everyone wanted to give their condolences and we really appreciated it but I began to feel a bit of a freak because everyone was pussy footing around us. Nobody talked about Heidi which also really upset me, all i wanted was to be able to discuss my baby and what had happened without being made to feel uncomfortable about it.

I dont know your friend and how she is dealing with things but, the worst thing for me was the thought that Heidi had been forgotten by everyone. I would tell your friend how sorry you are and tell her if she wants to talk you will be there for her anytime. I just wish that my friends and family could have put how they felt to one side and thought about how I felt. It was easier for them to just not say anything, and I ended up being terribly hurt. There are still members of my family who act as if Heidi never existed.

I know going to see your friend is going to be hard for you but if you are brave and consider how she is feeling I am sure it will be ok. She will really appreciate you making the effort. Tracey xx

 

[shesmurf]

Thanks ladies. We saw her husband today but she wasn't up to visitors. Quite rightly she was spending time with their other daughter, I think maybe we need to give her a bit more time. I just gave him a great big hug and checked how he was doing, he seemed so vacant and is clearly devastated. In a way it's cruel that one of the little ones lived for a while as it would have given them hope after losing one only to have other taken as well. Obviously we've offerered if they need any help at all but I'm convinced sometimes people think you're just being polite and find it difficult to take up these kind of offers. If it had been one of my closest friends it would be easier to negotiate as I'd know how far I can stretch the boundary.
One of my best mates had a miscarraige a month ago but she was very early on and we were able to talk openly about it, the only thing I feel the need to be consious of is going on about my baby. In this case though it is more difficult not being close friends of the family, it's actually my OH who's known them much longer and knows them much better than I do. I'd class myself more on the aquaintance end of the scale than the best mate so I think it would probably be inappropriate to bring things up but should they instigate a conversation about how they are coping and feeling I'd do my best to help.