what do i do?

[rach]

right luke is 13 i was told a few days ago that he smokes when he is with his friends i was gutted and wasnt quite sure how to deal with it in the end yesterday i said to him do you smoke? he said i did but i dont now he admitted it i couldnt believe it i never thought hed say yes he said he tried it but didnt think it was a good idea
ok so heres the problem should he be punished? im not sure i dont want him to get off scot free as i want him to realise there are consequences when you do something wrong but on the otherhand he was honest about it all what on earth do i do? xxxx

 

[bubble_dreamer]

thats a tough one rach

i think a lot of it at that age is peer pressure and the fact that he tried it and decided he didnt think it was a good idea is rather commendable on his part especially as he admitted it straight away too, shows he is using his common sense

i think if it was me i wouldnt punish him as if he has said he tried it and didnt think it was a good idea he already knows what he did was wrong and corrected himself if you know what i mean.

i understand you want him to know that what he did was unacceptable but the fact that he stopped himself i would say he already knows that

i dont think i have been much help have i i think if it was one of mine i would have killed them if they told me that but then he has obviously realised his mistake ...................... i dont know what id do rach sorry for babbling

 

[Urchin]

I would more talk to him about it. Hopefully he has really stopped, but if he is still smoking, getting into trouble about it won't really change that.

I know most kids think they know the dangers of smoking, but the government still uses shocking pictures and medical facts to try and make people quit, so I'd talk to him about the dangers, not just about cancer, but about what even ONE cigarette does to your lungs. Kids can't see the long term, he'll probably think..."it's OK I won't get addicted, and even if I do I can just quit later." I'd try and talk to him about short term harm fags can do too, to make him WANT to not smoke.

Also, where does he get his money from? Fags cost loads now, he must be getting them from somewhere.

 

[Tara & Liam]

Have you got a quit help club in your area, maybe get some literature. there should be something where a doctor comes into schoolsand educates children onthe dangers. maybe a cancer sufferer could go.

my step dad died of lung cancer in 2002 and it was horrendous to witness.

 

If he's tried and left him I reckon he should be praised for not carrying on. I tried it and slap my wrist I still smoke. My 13 year old sister tried it, and she hate it. My mum didn't get cross with her, just said to her I'm glad you made the right choice.

Neither my mum or dad smoke so they are dead against it and were gutted when I told them I smoked (after already smoking for 2 or 3 years) but they didn't have a go at me as they thought it would only make me do it more and rebel. They did try everything to get me to
quit though, taking me to the doctors to get patches and stuff (not they they will prescribe them till you are 18!! - very wrong), trying to make me smoke 20 in a row to make me stop, loads of things, but I still do it (albeit only a couple a day now).

If you suspect him again I'd ask again, tell him you won't be angry, but explain it is a waste of money and life. Now that you hve quit it's even more imprtant to have a smoke free family for this baby.

Sorry I'm not much help hun really, I'm not a mum of a teen yet, but thought maybe my experience might help???

 

[Amanda]

I'm in the same boat Rach - got a 13 year old who smokes. This has been going on for around a year with Kayleigh, and we have tried everything. We have spoken to her in depth about it, rationalised it, ignored it, punished her for it, screamed at her for it, and everything, but nothing has changed. It's an awful thing to say, but I can remember being that age (just!) and if they want to do it, they will no matter what you say.

I actually thought we'd cracked it a couple of weeks ago. She hasn't had pocket money for a year now, and has to take sandwiches to school, she is never ever given money as we don't want her to be tempted. So we hadn't had anything for a few weeks, and I was actually talking about beginning to give her pocket money again in a week or so. Then on Saturday, DH spotted her throw something into the neighbours bush on the way home. He went to investigate and it was a lighter. I asked to smell her fingers, and she had been smoking. So now she is grounded again, not allowed to even phone her friends, and no money for the foreseeable future.

Urchin - I have asked Kayleigh on many occasions where she gets the money from, and her answer if that 'friends' give them to her, or they go '2's up' on a ciggie. I cannot ban her from seeing her friends at school, and can't dictate to her who she hangs around with. One of her friends is 16 and her mum gives her money instead of affection, and she buys fags for everyone. I've even reported the shop to the police for selling to under 16's but nothing was done.

I have explained to her how hard it is to quit once you are addicted, and also told her how it is becoming less sociably accepted, but nothing is sinking in. She understands completely that the law is changing next summer, so nobody will even be allowed to smoke in a pub, and it will be even stricter when she gets older, but it's not changing anything.

The infuriating thing is that she is extremely inteligent!! She is in the gifted and learning acadamy at school and is taking her French GCSE next June at the age of 14. But still she does this.

I know I've not been much help at all to you Rach, but I wanted you to see it isn't anything you have done. Kids will try these things, and there isn't a lot you can do to stop them. Just be there to let them talk if they want to.

 

[foxymum]

we've had exactly the same situation a few months back with my hubbys son who lives with us too, he is 13, he goes to youth club on a thurs night at the secondary school he goes too, & one of my best friends has a 13 yr old too who goes.
anyway she told me that her boy, our boy & another had tried smoking there & her son had told her but ours hadn't!!

so we had to ask ours 'is it true?' he freaked & cired & said 'i only tried it, it was disgusting' etc & got really upset, i was gutted to think he had done this coz i battled for years to give up & dh father died of emphasemia (sp) 3 yrs ago, so dean has seen all this & still tried it!

we punished him by not letting him go to youth club for about 6 wks!!! only coz thats the place where he tried it, but he could do it anywhere, so that wouldn't stop it if it was a problem, but i felt he needed to be punished.

just watch what happens with luke rach, you'll soon know if it continues coz you'll smell it on him & coz you've recently given up the smell will be really strong to you, i could smell a fag 3 miles away!!!

good luck hun.
emma.xx

 

[Dee1985]

i think its great he told you the truth my brother is 12 and getting the truth out of him is like getting blood from a stone you could catch him doing some yet he will swear on the whole families life it wasnt him.

i dont no as my babies aint grown up yet so dont no how ild be but honestly is the best thing to me.

 

[budge]

right luke is 13 i was told a few days ago that he smokes when he is with his friends i was gutted and wasnt quite sure how to deal with it in the end yesterday i said to him do you smoke? he said i did but i dont now he admitted it i couldnt believe it i never thought hed say yes he said he tried it but didnt think it was a good idea
ok so heres the problem should he be punished? im not sure i dont want him to get off scot free as i want him to realise there are consequences when you do something wrong but on the otherhand he was honest about it all what on earth do i do? xxxx

i would make him eat a whole cigarette and swallow it. He's sure to be sick and it would put him off them for life.
My dad made my brother smoke a pipe when he was younger making him go all green and foamy at the mouth then violently
We all watched (with amusement) but all 5 of us are non smokers.
its called tough love.

 

[Minime]

The schools have a nurse who visits, you can ask for your kid to go there. Had same issue with Stace and tried everything from grounding to no pocket money etc etc. At her old school nearly all of her age group smoked. At this school only about 5 in the entire year do so that made it easier. She went through a bit of a rebellious stage which she's just about getting out of (except for the getting legless in the park a couple of weeks ago incident) I just make her feel loved and secure so that she can speak to me about things bothering her now although its been very very slow she's getting there.

 

[Kim]

i think its great he told you the truth my brother is 12 and getting the truth out of him is like getting blood from a stone you could catch him doing some yet he will swear on the whole families life it wasnt him.

i dont no as my babies aint grown up yet so dont no how ild be but honestly is the best thing to me.

I agree honesty is the best policy, and if someone is honest it makes a lot off difference I'd say. My OH's son is 11 and he lives with us. He is a compulsive liar, he will do something in front of you so he knows you saw him, then deny doing it!! He is punished more for lying than whatever he did wrong because I can't stand lying and wont put up with it.

You have a good kid who will admit to what he has done. I don't think he should be punished unless you find him smoking again. Maybe he has realised himslef that he was in the wrong??

 

[bexxie]

Oh Rach
dunno what to say I smoked at 12 plus til recently,all I do know is that the more you mention it the worse it is. It sounds as if he wont do it again and he sounds one honest boy,which is admirable in itself.

Good luck
bex

 

[rach]

thanks for your replies everyone have thought about this a lot today and decided as hes been honest about it im not going to punish him but i will def keep an eye on whats going on with this and if it happens again i will have to change tactics im lucky hes being so honest he knows i cant stand lying and that he would get punished worse for lying so hopefully this will keep him being honest
i asked him how he was buying them and he said he was using his dinner money i asked was he getting them from shop and apparently he buys them off other kids at 20p a go
have thought about stopping all his money but then his friends have always got money and they would give him ciggys anyway so i guess i will have to keep talking to him and hope he doesnt do it again
thanks everyone for your replies xxxx

 

[Strangeness]

I smoked from the age of 14 and gave up when I was 18 and pregnant. I don't think you can do anything to stop it happening. I would let your son know how disappointed you are with him because kids hate having disappointed parents it's worse than being shouted at. The other thing I hated my mum saying to me was that she wouldn't go near me because I stank, so maybe if he does it again you could say that?

It's horrible but if he's determined he'll keep doing it! Hopefully he did just try and hate it! Good luck hun!