Was it my baby? Guy in need of advice

[samwalker2008]

Hi, I'm trying to make the story as short as I can but include the main points I need advice on. Basically my ex laura has sadly just had a miscarriage. I don't know much about the timing of these pregnancy related issues and Is why any advice is really appreciated. We last slept together on a one night stand about mid june. I didn't wear a condom, but she was on the pill and always took it regularly. She met a new boyfriend shortly after that (about the beginning of July) and she did explain to me that she only slept with him about 5-6 times during the short 5 weeks they were together, she was still on the pill during those 5 weeks and she still claims she never missed one. She also sensibly made sure he also wore a condom every time that had sex which makes me think her getting pregnant by him was very unlikely. She ended the relationship about two weeks ago. So it was just over 2 months ago that she last slept with me, and about seven weeks ago since she first she slept with her new boyfriend. I still can't work out how she even got pregnant while being on the pill for 2 years without a problem, but hey, it happens I guess. My question is, do most miscarriages happen within six-seven weeks after intercourse, or are they more likely to happen around 2 months or longer. This would help to clear up wether she was more likely pregnant by me before she met this new guy, or wether he made her pregnant during these last 7 weeks. I'm very upset that she's had a miscarriage because it's an awful thing to happen to anyone, and and I'm supporting her and being there for her, but I've still got this terrible doubt that the girl I've loved all these years, may have been made pregnant by this other guy which would make me feel even more sad.. She and I think the baby was probably mine and would make more sense, but I could do with some reassuring really before she and I get back together. Many thanks for your time.

Many Thanks

Sam
26, from Essex

 

[Rachael]

Basically my ex laura has sadly just had a miscarriage. I don't know much about the timing of these pregnancy related issues and Is why any advice is really appreciated. We last slept together on a one night stand about mid june. I didn't wear a condom, but she was on the pill and always took it regularly. She met a new boyfriend shortly after that (about the beginning of July) and she did explain to me that she only slept with him about 5-6 times during the short 5 weeks they were together, she was still on the pill during those 5 weeks and she still claims she never missed one. She also sensibly made sure he also wore a condom every time that had sex which makes me think her getting pregnant by him was very unlikely. She ended the relationship about two weeks ago. So it was just over 2 months ago that she last slept with me, and about seven weeks ago since she first she slept with her new boyfriend. I still can't work out how she even got pregnant while being on the pill for 2 years without a problem, but hey, it happens I guess. My question is, do most miscarriages happen within six-seven weeks after intercourse, or are they more likely to happen around 2 months or longer. This would help to clear up wether she was more likely pregnant by me before she met this new guy, or wether he made her pregnant during these last 7 weeks. I'm very upset that she's had a miscarriage because it's an awful thing to happen to anyone, and and I'm supporting her and being there for her, but I've still got this terrible doubt that the girl I've loved all these years, may have been made pregnant by this other guy which would make me feel even more sad.. She and I think the baby was probably mine and would make more sense, but I could do with some reassuring really before she and I get back together. Many thanks for your time.

Many Thanks

Sam
26, from Essex

I'm so sorry you and your girlfriend are going through this....
I don't think anyone but you or your girlfriend are going to be able to work this out...because whilst most miscarriages happen before 6 weeks gestation (Baby being concieved 4 weeks prior)...miscarriages can happen at any point, certainly before the 12 week mark. If the baby was yours, its certainly possible for your girlfriend to have had a miscarriage at around 10 weeks....but then its equally likely that she could have miscarried at an earlier gestation.
-If your girlfriend has had any kind of medical management, its possible that this can shed some light on the gestation of the baby.
-In all honesty though, if you love your girlfriend and want to get back togather, its proberbly best not to dig too deep as you were split up at the time the pregnancy may have happened. If your relationship is worth saving, who the father was is irrelevant (I know thats easy for me to say) but some things are best left alone...its sounds to me like she has been really honest with you about her new relationship, so going forwards, try and build a future not look too much into the past.
I hope everything works out for you both.

 

[Kittykins]

Also sorry for you and your girlfriend, and I'd second everything Rachael has said. Given your girlfriend has been totally open with you, trying to establish paternity of a pregnancy that just didn't work out is probably more likely to cause you both heartache than anything else. Besides, it's so difficult to establish.

The pill basically works by suppressing ovulation - no ovulation = no egg = no baby. That's the theory. However, in some women, some of the time, the hormone released by the pill isn't strong enough to counteract the hormones released by the body, and that egg pops out anyway. Also if a woman's ill, especially with a stomach upset, the pill may not be properly absorbed into the bloodstream and the hormone levels wouldn't be high enough to work. Ovulation would normally be followed by a period approx 14 days later, unless of course the egg is fertilised, which is possible if intercourse takes place up to 3 days before or 1 day afterwards. When/how did your girlfriend realise she was pregnant, and when/how did she know she was miscarrying? If she used a home pregnancy test, that wouldn't have shown positive until (on average) 14 days after ovulation. E.g. if she found out before mid-June, it's highly unlikely it was her new boyfriend's. The thing is that the pill really screws up any kind of attempt to work out what's going on - even the periods a woman gets aren't real periods. However, if your girlfriend didn't get any bleeding at all after being with you, again, that would suggest it was yours.

So - I think from all this that some circumstances may indicate it was yours rather than his, but it would be impossible to prove, and there's pretty much nothing that would indicate it was his rather than yours other than an ultrasound in the early stages of pregnancy - and even then that wouldn't be definitive in a non-viable pregnancy.

To give you an example, I'm having/waiting for a miscarriage now - by dates (which I am absolutely sure of!) I am gone 10 weeks pregnant, but the ultrasound shows that the pregnancy measures only 8 weeks. A pregnancy that miscarries is often 'behind' - hormone levels are often lower (so a pregnancy test may turn positive later), the embryo develops more slowly, there may be bleeding, etc.

That's why I honestly think that trying to prove something that can't be proven is more likely to tear you both apart than give either of you any reassurance. Maybe best to treat the whole unhappy incident as a wake-up call to work out what you both really want? Sounds to me that if you both want the pregnancy to be yours, then maybe you have a strong basis on which to rebuild your relationship... good luck.

 

[samwalker2008]

Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding replies. And I'm sorry to hear about your past experiences. As far as trying to rebuild our relationship, I think we will be fine. We both love each other and I think her new boyfriend was just someone there at the time. I also understand what you guys mean about thinking to hard into this. It's really not important given the circumstances, It's really more for my wandering mind really. But answering a few questions you asked: she's never really had normal 5 day periods, But i think the pill has to take the blame for that. She didn't even realise she was pregnant at all until she had a lot of blood loss on Sunday unexpectedly. About a week ago, She had a short period for about two days, Nothing out of the ordinary, She has done pregnancy tests the last few days which all came back negative. She seems to have been honest with me (hopefully) about the short relationship with the new guy, but I just remembered something vital (if true). She mentioned that she did not sleep with him until about two weeks roughly into the relationship (which would mean roughly about 5 weeks ago.) Not 7 weeks as mentioned. Basically, after losing the blood sunday, she saw her doctor straight away who said i think you could be having a miscarriage but I'm not sure and you'll need to have a scan. The scan was done today, but the hospital said there was nothing left and so I'm guessing that's why no rough conception date was given. Forgive my ignorance, but surely if the pregnancy tests are showing negative during a miscarriage, wouldn't this mean she would have been pregnant a while ago because apparently It takes quite a while for the hormones to leave the system after or during a miscarriage. Would any of this extra information shed any light on my original question? I will not ask be bringing up this subject with her again because it's hard enough for her at the moment and we to move on. This post is just so I can feel a bit more secure that I made the girl I love pregnant and not some random nobody.. Again, thank you all for your kind words and support on this matter. Any more response is appreciated for my benefit only really. Thankyou.

 

[mrs_metal]

So sorry for you and your girlfriend, a miscarriage is horrible no matter the circumstances

If, as you say, she used condoms and the pill with the other guy then the chances are very low that he could have got her pregant. As the others say with a missed miscarriage it's very difficult to tell dates even if the scan had been in time to see a baby, I was 11 1/2 weeks pregnant but the baby only measured 5 1/2 week and the week the bleeding started the few pregnancy tests I tried got fainter and fainter.

I can understand that you need to know but with a miscarrige it's impossible. Personally from the contraception used I think it's much more likely the baby was yours.

 

[puppylove]

Sorry i cant help with any advice but wanna send some to you both.

 

[firstangel]

I want to give you and your girlfriend some and I wouldnt as you say look into it much as It will just be upsetting for you both.

I had a missed miscarrage at 11 weeks a few months ago