Visitors after baby is born/MIL issues

[Em91]

After your opinions please!

Am i being unreasonable? Bit of a back story, when DD was born my waters broke whilst the in laws were down at the Olympics in London. We rang to let them know but said don't come back! After all as a ftm labour was unlikely to be quick, got to labour ward to be told i had meconium in my waters and was put on the induction drip to speed things up. 4 hours in around 2pm the midwife comes in and says 'Your in laws are in the waiting room, Mother in law wants to come in' We don't overly get on so i said no tell her to go home (they live a 5 minute drive from the hospital) Fast forward to 10pm when in short DD got distressed so i was taken for a c-section. Got back to delivery suite and got our first skin to skin at 11pm ish, she had her first feed etc and cuddles with daddy. At midnight the midwife comes in and says 'Your mother in law is refusing to leave until you let her see the baby' I didn't even realise she was still there tbh! Apparently OH popped out whilst i was in recovery to say we'd had a girl etc and they could go home as she was fine etc & come see her tomorrow!
Being young and naive i said fine 2 minutes! DD once again was feeding by this point. She waltzed in grabbed her off my chest without saying a word then passed me the camera and said 'Take a picture of me and J (Oh) with the baby'.... I took one, she stood and cuddled DD for 5 mins telling OH how proud of him she was... then put DD in the fish bowl and walked out. Not another word uttered in my direction. Once we got home they were there every day of OHs pat leave. They didn't help or even make themselves tea i just got ' I will hold the baby whilst you make the tea' or 'Oh she needs feeding again?! Can't you just give her a bottle so we can feed her? breastfeeding is selfish....". I could go on but you get the gist! My dad wasn't much better when he visited, i had to go upstairs to feed because he would micky take and say he didn't feel comfortable" .. Being young and naive i just hid upstairs to feed, which meant i rarely saw OH in the first weeks because he was downstairs entertaining them!

2.5years later, baby no2 is due in 5ish weeks! All the way through this pregnancy ive made a point to drop into conversation that aren't having visitors for 24/48hrs after he's born, not even family. We want to let DD adjust to having a new baby around and we want some time just the 4 of us. We will call when ready for them to come. My family all sort of shrugged and said fair enough, MIL has just ignored me when its been said or said 'Yeah but... we might have DD so we will have to bring her back" To which i said no thankyou OH or my friend who is here for labour will pick her up & we're planning a homebirth so she may not need to go anywhere if its at night!

OH says last night his mum phoned him in tears saying it wasn't fair im being so selfish not letting her come in the first day or 2 and why should she miss out on her grandson because im being horrible keeping him from her! She's so manipulative, she cried on the phone to him the xmas i was pregnant with DD saying how she was cancelling Christmas and no one could come because she was upset she wouldn't have her oldest boy next year for Christmas (it wasn't something we'd even discussed) So we ended up agreeing to spend DDs first xmas with them!
Thankfully OH says he said it was just how we wanted it because we missed out on bonding last time... but whether he actually said that or blamed it on me i don't know!
Am i being unreasonable not wanting them here as soon as he's born? Has anyone else said no to visitors for a day or two? Or am i genuinely being selfish wanting us to spend time as a 4 before they come and start interfering?

 

[Rooster30]

Urm, no. You are not being selfish. Your MIL has wound me up and I don't even know her. Sounds like she is the one being selfish. Stand your ground and make sure your OH sticks up for you too.

 

[buttonbear]

Not selfish in the slightest, i agree yout MIL has annoyed me just reading that!! GRRRR!!

You can't get those first precious moments back so stick your ground and have time together, we plan to do the same and let LO get used to his sister etc.

 

[cossie13]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. As this is our first we have said that my parents & sister and OH's parents can come visit in hospital but we will call them when we are ready for visitors - both sets of parents seem happy with this. My nan on the other hand is not happy at all that I'm putting my mum & dad and OH's mum and dad before her and she doesn't see why she can't come and visit as I'll "be in hospital for at least a week!" - She really doesn't get it! But we are standing our ground as we want time to adjust to becoming parents before we are flooded with people wanting to see our son.

We have nothing against family wanting to come over to see him but a) not all at once, b) they are to text us first to see if the timing is convenient, and c) definitely not while I'm in hospital or during the first few days at least! I'm very lucky my OH is 100% behind me on this.

Stand your ground hun. At the end of the day if my MIL was behaving like that it would make me more determined not to have her there for the first few days as I genuinely think it sounds like she's doing it for the attention and I can't stand attention seekers! Put your family first and by your family I mean you, your OH and your 2 children.

I hope things get sorted for you hun. It's not a nice situation to be put in. And family members are the last thing you want to be worrying about when you have a daughter and an unborn son to think of xx

 

[Podpie]

Definitely not selfish and I would be very upset!!!

My MIL has told us theyre coming to stay for a week 10 days after due date. Considering baby isn't likely to be on time I have really stressed myself out thinking I'll have to be induced while they're here and all sorts and we wouldn't be able to come home and be a new family because they'd be here and they're not the easiest family to deal with at the best of times.
I've struggled with feeling guilty about not wanting them here because they live quite a way away and I don't want them to miss out on seeing their grandson, but I talked it over with my partner and told him that if I go overdue, and if baby isn't here at least 5 days before their visit then we will ask them to delay for a few days to give us the space we need to settle just the three of us before being descended on by family! OH has agreed to this because he realised how stressed it was making me but we haven't discussed it with the in laws yet so we'll have to see how that goes. I'm hoping baby comes on time and we don't have to have that awkward conversation.
Another issue is that not only has MIL told us she's coming for a week, and obviously FIL is coming too... My partners sister is also coming which makes it even more stressful. And just a few days ago she told us they're bringing their dog!!! Had to put my foot down at that point and say no. Our dog will have enough upheaval as it is with a new baby in the house I am not having the added stress of another dog being around, as I know ours would never settle.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is stick to your guns, really try and explain to your OH what and why you're feeling and make sure he understands. Mine just does whatever his mum tells him to do, so I had to make sure that actually I'm not being selfish, but when I've just had a brand new baby it's me and his son he needs to be thinking of rather than his mum.

Your MIL will get over it, but you don't need the added stress. Make sure you get your own way!!

 

[Chazabell]

Defo not selfish!!

I had a thread about this topic and lots of ladies agreed with what I wanted. My MIL didn't doeak to me much last year because she didn't like her Christmas present, wasn't impressed with wedding guest list etc etc. it was t until hubby told her it was his choices too she opened her eyes. She's very selfish and he is her golden boy! She moaned she wasn't invited to my hen doo even tho she wouldn't have come along. So I made sure if I had a baby shower whoever organised it invited her and made sure she was free.....did she turn up? Did she he'll! So I'm done with trying!

My MIL has said breastfeeding is selfish too, and my choices are setting h up for bullying. She's also taken it as a personal attack that I don't want hospital visitors. So I'm leaving her to it. I've got bigger fish to fry and I'm standing my ground. Hubby is backing me up too as he's had enough of her crap!!

It's your baby, your family your choice. If she doesn't like it I say tough!! xxx

 

[GF91]

Not selfish at all! U need that time to bond with your baby! When I had my daughter last week she was born at 2.51 am but I didn't actually get to have skin to skin with her until 4.30'am as I haemorrhaged. OH left at 4.45am & my mum stayed as there was a risk I could haemorrhage again. She left just after 6. It was bliss having time just with my baby, to look at her, feed her, just me & her. at 7am my MIL walked in unannounced! She works in the hospital, she'd come in early (bearing in mind she knew what had happened) I was still on the bed I'd delivered on, completely naked under just a hospital gown, catheterised, attatched to 4 drips, monitors, sweaty, smelly.... She totally ruined the moment & made me feel so uncomfortable.
Be strong and put your foot down. I haven't allowed her to come round since- I want some time alone with my baby!! Xxx

 

[MrsS143]

I think I'm quite lucky
I get on with my husbands family and only person i really have anything to do with on my side is my mum
My hubby backs me 100% and we tend to feel the same way about things
I reckon id be pretty easy going if people showed up or visited but i think its because we get on, they'd all help out and not overstay their welcome x

 

[Orion]

You're not being selfish. I'm not having hospital visitors and everyone has to wait until I'm ready and settled at home before I invite them round. Anyone going against my wishes will be left outside.

I think that you've probably given in to your MIL so much, that you'll have a real battle on your hands with every decision you make. But if you don't enforce your wishes, she'll carry on with her behaviour.

Imagine she's a toddler. If they ask for 2 more minutes before going to bed, and you give in, ok it's only 2 minutes no big deal, but ultimately you've taught them they can have their own way. You have to be just as vigilant with MIL if you want her to learn that your way is the only way. And OH must be completely on your side and firm with his mother.

 

[LaceyKeo]

Of course breast feeding is selfish.

Then if you bottle-fed, that'd be wrong because "best for baby" blah.
Your choices are your own and for good reason.

I'd get a permanent marker and scrawl across the front of your mat notes "no one to be allowed in to visit at any point in hospital except father (OH name)".

I'm sorry the relatives are a pain in the ass xx

 

[Emapot1]

Reading this infuriated me to how damn selfish mil / fil so on etc and that they just don't get how to back the f... Off. Sorry but I get a guilt trip too and when I delivered annabel still born my mil displayed I was unfair for not letting her hold her!!!!!! Take it from me there's no easy way around it. Be firm be solid and be straight!! You won't get this time back again! X

 

[Sm1lerno1]

You and quite right and don't back down.

Just as well she's not my MIL lol

Chin up. Your family-your rules!!

 

[jenb1301]

Stick to your guns! From reading your post I really don't like your MIL and I don't even know the woman!
You are absolutely not being selfish . Your baby, your decision! I hope your OH backs you up and you get what you want and feel comfortable with x

 

[i.love]

I think your MIL is being horrible no way I would let her come in the first couple of days!!

 

[Tors23]

why are MIL such a pain in the a**e sometimes? On the whole I get on well with mine but she has her moments. when my second son was born we were adamant that we didn't want anyone visiting us in hospital apart from his big brother. We didn't expect to be in long anyway as everything had gone fine. Unfortunately, a friend had talked her way in - told the midwives she lived miles away and was heading home that night and really wanted to see us (in reality she was 5 mins away). It wasn't even visiting hours but they let her in without checking. I was so cross because my first son hadn't met his little brother yet. Later that night my mum and dad brought my first son to the hospital and we'd agreed that my husband would meet them in the car park and bring him up. when the time came, they ended up coming up with him but stood back and let him go in first (he was 3.5yrs old). They didn't stay just had a peek and went and left us to it. for a long time we didn't tell MIL about either my friend or parents coming up but somehow one day she found out and since then had always gone on about how she wasn't allowed to the hospital. our third child is due in a couple of weeks and we've said again we don't want anyone to see them before the boys have, only this time we are going to make it clear to the staff and definitely not even letting my parents in just to avoid any upset again. It's so hard, it's such a precious time between you and your oh and siblings why don't people understand that?

 

[Cakey]

Oh my gosh, no you're definitely not being unreasonable! Your MIL sounds so selfish and self centered. I know it's hard because sometimes OH's will do what makes their mums happy but you need to make it clear you don't want a repeat of last time.
I've absolutely said I don't want anyone at the hospital unless I have to stay in a while, but even then I'm not very keen. My MIL wasn't happy that I said that but I really don't care, it's me giving birth and I don't want a bloody audience. Hope you can sort things out xxx

 

[littlemonkey]

Personally if she's that bad at not respecting boundaries, I would not tell her baby had arrived until a few days afterwards.

My mil has already expressed her upset at my request for no visitors in hospital this time, but she knows better than to turn up unannounced. Ifshe is slagging me off about it, OH has the sense to keep it from me!

 

[Kiagirl]

That's awful! I think my mil could be a bit like that but daren't as she knows what she would get lol. My mum and OH mum came to the hosp just after Lucie was born but I had been in for 3 days at that point and was climbing the walls lol, they didn't stay long but it was nice to show her off. They came the next day at visiting too as we were in for at least 2 days after due to blood sugar checks. Tbh it was nice as OH went home at visiting to sort the dog/eat/sleep as I was in labour for 3 days he never really left my side. But I totally get why some people wouldn't want that.

 

[TTC no2]

omg... I got angry reading that.. ur mil sounds bloody awful. is it any wonder why u wouldn't want her there. stick to ur guns dont like het do what she done before and when she comes to visit when ur ok with it tell her ubknw where the kitchen is make ur own tea. u deserve a medal....

 

[girly2007]

I've not read all the replies but absolutely say no. Put your foot down. Your baby your rules! What a bloody cow that woman sounds like!! I was in a similar boat, I just wanted it to be the 3 of us,but after he was born, and I was trying to sleep after being awake for nearly 3 days, we got a phone all every 30 mins saying they were coming and it took 15 minutes each time to convince them not to. I had my son at 8 am and visiting hours finished at 8pm, so at 7:30 I rang them and said they could come. They were forced to leave after 10 minutes by the hospital, so it worked perfectly