Visiting step children

[Babyno.1]

My partner has a 9 yr old children from a previous relationship. She is hard work, possibly a little jelose of this little one, it's my first & I really don't want her to spoil my first few days with this little one. I want her to come meet her little brother or sister at the hospital but would I be being unreasonable to say I don't want her staying for long or even over night with us the first night or 2. I'm going to be breast feeding & I don't feel comfortable feeding in front of her either. I understand my partner wants to involve his daughter, but this is my baby to & I'm worried she's going to demand all the attention off him & neither of us will be able to relax. I don't want leave her out but don't think I'll be able to hold my tounge if she's being difficult. It's really starting to worry me.
How can I bring this up without coming across as horrible!

 

[MrsS143]

Just say you need routine first
Baby will be up and down all night crying etc
Doubt she will want to listen lol
Hubby will be tired too so sell it to him that he wont be up to running round after her as much either

 

[Mrs M]

There is a pretty good chance you'll be up a lot of the first couple of nights. How often does she normally stay? Could you stick to your normal routine if possible, and then after a couple of week see if you could have her an extra day and have a lovely family day out? Make a bit of a fuss of her then?

 

[Babyno.1]

She comes most weekends. It's always on her mothers terms too. So would be difficult to say sorry not this weekend as we've never said no whenever she's come up & I'm sure her mother would kick up a stink if we did! Her mother has 3 other children now & we had her for 1st few days (even when the other children were at home with her) on each... She isn't the most reasonable!!!
I'm in a right tiss & it's really starting to put a dampener on the upcoming arrival x

 

[Mrs M]

Could this be discussed before the babies arrives then? So at least she is aware of what you're thinking? You don't know what sort of birth you're gonna have, and you could maybe offer to have an extra night in the next school holidays?

 

[CharlotteH24]

I'm going to go against the grain here, I don't mean it in a horrible way but I came from a separated family where my dad remarried and had a baby when I was quite young so I tend to see these things from a little girls view too.
Does your OH's parents live nearby? Could you see if they'd want her over the first weekend baby is there, then she can come to the hospital or yours for a little while if you allow your OH's parents to come for half an hour or so?
You have to be careful not to exclude her too much, bare in mind that a 9 year old girl doesn't see a crying baby who needs a routine, they'll see a crying baby who's getting attention from her Daddy who now doesn't want her now the baby has arrived. Kids aren't always the most rational about these things and they don't tend to see situations in the same way adults do, you'll probably be better off trying to involve her where ever you can as she'll be less likely to play up for her fathers attention if she feels like she's included. It's a huge change for her too and feeling like she's unwanted in her dad's new family will probably make her play up more. X

 

[El1en]

I would just tell her mother you are trying to establish breast feeding and a routine. If she is the jealous type and is already being difficult she will probably just be more demanding when baby is crying and getting everyone's attention

 

[Babyno.1]

Thanks ladies, it's so difficult to know what to do for the best. I really don't want to exclude her, I understand she's going to feel left out, her mother has already put that thought in her head ��but I'm worried because I will obviously be preocupied so won't be able to pay her as much attention & my partner will have to be extra attentive. The last thing I want to do is feel uncomfortable & worried about her when I should be focusing on myself & baby. I think a full weekend will be way to much so will insist on maybe 1 night. Hopefully baby will come on a Monday so we will have a few day to get sorted!!! X

 

[littlemonkey]

l will be honest, I'm coming from the point of view where I have a son already and am doing what I can to make sure he doesn't feel excluded when the baby comes. I think it's best to have her there and do as much as you can to get everyone used to the new family dynamics as soon as possible. Yes it will be difficult if she misbehaves, but it is likely she will behave that way whether it is when the baby is just born or a few weeks old when they first meet. And things will still be all over the place and you'll be sleep deprived for a few weeks with a new baby. As for bf in front of her, again the sooner you all get used to it the better. It sounds mean, but she needs to get used to the situation and deal with it. It's much better in my opinion for her to be included from the start so she learns that there is a baby now and she won't always have you and OHs undivided attention. But it also tells her she is part of this new family and welcome in this important time. Not having her there would just reinforce all her fears about being excluded in my opinion.

 

[Orion]

I'd let her stay. She's going to have to get used to the idea that there are times she'll have to wait if baby needs something, and really it's your OH that's going to be rushed off his feet dealing with her and not you - you'll be taking it easy to recover.

So as long as your OH is on board for being firm and telling her to be quiet when you're napping, be patient when baby needs something, and gives her some of his undivided attention when he's not busy, then all should be okay. She'll soon learn that acting up won't get her anywhere as you can't just stop in the middle of feeding or changing baby to see to her.

 

[MrsS143]

At her age she might be more than happy to help and get involved!

 

[Sm1lerno1]

See at the end of the day. It's your situation, and it's all very well asking for advice but you must do what you feel is right at the time.
You don't know how you're going to feel after the birth, everyone is different, so again, you will need to wait and see. Not just you, your new baby too, some babies are great, others don't sleep very well.
You will have the mw out quite often too. It can be hectic, and if you're tired you can't be bothered with anyone, you just wanna shut your eyes when baby does.

My issue is not so much with the 9yr old. I have a 9yr old. She's a lovely girl and helps, but at that age they do require a lot of attention. My girl always wants to play games, or sit and cuddle up, or something, but I'm always so busy with everything else, it's a shame, but if you're busy you're busy. I try for just me and her time when my own wee ones are sleeping or otherwise occupied.

I think you need to be having a word with her mother. She can't call the shots all the time. You will have a wee baby to think about now, and it may not always be suitable what she decides. I think you need to start putting your foot down where she is concerned. She shouldn't be telling her daughter you will be leaving her out. That's not fair.

Don't make any decisions yet, just see how you feel and you decide and tell people what will be happening. You never know, this could turn out to be brilliant for the 9yr old, she could be a wee mini mummy (they can be a good help) get you nappies, rock the baby, watch he baby til you go to he loo. That makes them feel needed and important too.

I feel for you cause it's a toughy.

 

[Babyno.1]

Thanks SM1, that's a big help. Suppose I shouldn't be worrying. It's my decision not her mothers! I think I'll just take it as it comes. Worst comes to worse I will get OH to tell her were not home just yet. They don't live close so wouldn't know. I know the mother is going to cause a fuss what ever decision we make so just preparing myself. Don't think I will be able to stay as diplomatic once my baby is being effected & still tired from the birth you see.
The little ones mother told mutual friends she hopes my baby dies!!! So as you can imagine she's not a nice lady! X

 

[MrsS143]

Thats awful
What an evil mother

 

[Sm1lerno1]

Oh I've been there with the bitchy words from my mans ex. She better hope she never meets me!

Try not to stress, and yes, your feelings and emotions will change as soon as that wee baby in your arms. Most placid people pre baby turn into demons when things affect their new addition lol

 

[Demaris]

It's such a difficult situation to be in, I have had to lay the law down with my husbands ex as she has gone the other way since we announced I was pregnant. Pre pregnancy she was very controlling and is so possessive over their son ( he is 8) and would not allow us to have him over on his own-I have met him but only when she is present. She is a very jealous person and despite the fact their relationship was over 5 years ago she does anything she can to interfere. I have had silent phone calls, fake fb accounts all from her etc.

Anyway now she knows I am pregnant and their son will have a little brother she is being overly nice, saying she can't wait for baby cuddles (!!!!) that she has been buying bits and bobs for baby and telling everyone about the arrival. I'm not sure what I prefer the nasty her or the new her!

The bottom line is, I have said to my husband his son can come round with her on the first visit, but after that it's him alone and he gets picked up and dropped off. I really want my son to have a relationship with his half brother but not at the cost of his mother being the 'third parent'.

These things are never black and white are they, I hope you find some middle ground x

 

[Babyno.1]

Oh dear! She sounds just as nice as this one! My partner & her were split up before she told him about being pregnant so they have never actually been an 'item' as such. She didn't let his see her much for first year or two. But now she's married with 3 other little ones it's like she doesn't want to know her, poor little one. Wish we could have her come love with us & she could visit her mum on our terms. She stays with us fri - Sunday/Monday most weekends sometimes even Tuesdays. The little one goes to dance Tuesday night for 2 hours, usually with her friend & her mum (so she goes straight from school & home at 7.30) so she hardly sees her.... No doubt she'll want her for Mother's Day this Sunday.

I have told my OH that she comes nowhere near me or my baby because I will not be able to stay quiet, his daughter there or not! But I really would prefer a few days to ourselves without his daughter. I don't mind her visiting for few hours here & there but full weekend is going to be over whelming. She demands so much attention that I will just not be upto it & think is unfair of my partner to put that extra pressure on so soon after baby arrives.

 

[Pismo]

Hi, please keep in mind that I'm coming at this from a different angle in that I am no longer with my son's father so, in essence my DS is my OH step son (IYSWIM), its also wise to point out that DS lives with us and I have been with my OH since DS was 17mo (now 8yo!). So our situation is quite different. But I still feel like a have experience to offer.

I would be incredibly saddened if OH told me he didn't want DS to be around when our LO is born, DS is as much a part of our family as this LO and I refuse for him to be made to feel like he was too much too handle just because there is a new person in the house. Equally, I understand that this baby is you're first but what will you do in future if you choose to have another LO - send both your soon to be LO and step child away?

I just cant help but think about this from my son's point of view and I know he'd be hurt. Children are difficult - whether they are biologically yours or not so yes they require a lot of attention. This could be the prime time to instil that although your SD has had all the attention thus far she now has a sibling and they are equal.

x

 

[Babyno.1]

Thank you your pov. I really do think of SD, but I'm also thinking about me & what I'd like (sound very selfish saying that but I'm anything but selfish when it comes to her, I do everything with her & for her) I just feel like it's my time with my new baby, something I haven't experienced before & I'd like it to be relaxed & about me & baby.

To be honest I think I would like the first night home alone with future babies too. Obviously I haven't got a baby so can't say 100% but I know both grandmas would be more than happy to have child over night. I would tell little one that I wasn't home or we were not sure what time we were coming home. They would be none the wiser.
We have included her in everything from choosing pram, helping with nursery. Picking out lil tops saying 'I have best big sis' on & so on. I just want to be comfortable & settled at home before she arrives & takes up all our time.

 

[MummyMouse]

Sorry but I agree with piano! I have two children (my DH step children and they live with us full time and see their dad on sat/sun night) im having this baby by section in 5 days. My son is 12 and daughter almost 10! I have already been and bought my son a new xbox game and daughter a new gymnastic costume that they want and know nothing about. They will be coming to the hospital after I have the baby (same day just give myself a few hours to get sorted after section the. Hubby will collect them from school) as its their sister as much as it is my daughter that they will be seeing. I will give them their presents then off their sister and they will bring their presens in or her! And believe me when I say my children are diamonds in terms of behaviour but together in the same room they are HARD work!!
But I was the 'outsider' child and it hurts like hell!! ...... My dad had me and my sis and then re married, my step mam was lovely did everything for us etc THEN she had her baby.....and boy did she change, "your not stopping this weekend" "your not helping" "keep quiet" "go and play somewhere else" you name it we heard it.....my love for SM soon turned into resentment towards her and rightly so (their were so many other things) we started to act up just to get attention and became "naughty kids' when all we wanted was a bit of attention off our step mum and. Dad like we used to get!! LONG story short......I know havnt spoken to my dad and step mam and my brothers for over 5 years, they haven't seen my kids, didn't even come to my daughters funeral and don't know im pregnant again!! And no can honestly say this all started the day I was pushed out!! My advice .... Include your step daughter from the off....she will go home and then you can have your time alone but buy her a gift from her sibling and take her to buy her one for baby, include her by asking her to help pass uou nappies and bath items. Go for a walk to park and ask her to push the pram (if she's like my 9yo she will love that) but please don't exclude her, it really does effect a child mentally more than you will ever know (unless you have been that child) x