Very scared

[Eryinera]

Ok so I have a missed mc and I think it's starting I'm getting lots of pain in my back and in my sides. I'm not bleeding yet as far as I know. I was hoping to hold out a bit longer. My heart is still dodgy and I was hoping that it would have healed before I go through this. My heart muscle is inflamed due to a stupid bloke with a common cold sneezing on me at work. I am having tachycardia (increased heart rates) panic attacks and difficulties breathing if I'm not lying down and sometimes when I'm lying down as well. I must admit I'm terrified that this is going to be too much for me. I could deal with my past 2 mcs they just happened and had started before i knew aboit them but knowing that I have to go through this. I'm getting such pains in my chest.

 

[kaz1983]

So sorry youre going through this....i had a missed mc an its horrible i didny have the heart issue tho.....i started with pains and thought it was the start of it but i only had the smallest of bleeding/discharge i still had to go for medical management

Try an rest as much as possible big hugs xx

 

[Eryinera]

That's reassuring I want the medical management ideally. I know it would mean another trip to hospital but I feel safe there if you get me. I feel they have let me out too soon. My oh says it's a good thing that I've been released it means I'm healthy enough to be home and I'm better here in a more homely environment.
I just can't shake this stupid paranoia in my head that they sent me home because there is nothing they can do for me and to put it bluntly and I know this is stupidly irrational but I when I go through "an episode" I feel like they have just sent me home to die so I don't mess with their statistics. I know that's stupid but argh my brain won't shut off and i can't tell anyone in person my fears they will think I'm mad or wanting attention or something. But seriously I'm awake at stupid o'clock coz I'm scared to sleep if everyone else is asleep in case I don't wake up. Ooo I know it's silly. I just can't get these thoughts out my head. I haven't dealt with the mc yet despite me thinking I have. I'm more panicked that the mc will kill me. I'm being ridiculous I know. I think it's because I couldn't understand my doctor he just said lots of long words said I can stop all the meds I was on and go home. I asked him to explain it again he basically said the same with a smile and so I felt compelled to Google and I really really shouldn't have done that. I want my own doctor with bedside manner to talk to me but he hadn't sent my notes over yet.

 

[kaz1983]

Tbh i felt kinda the same i work at the same hospital i was treated at the maternity unit is joined on an i felt they just kicked me out after they gave md options i was offered no counselling wat so ever i had to seek that myself granted my work did send me to occ health wen i returned to work but tbh it was useless so 4months after the mc i got my gp to refer me and i had three sessions of cbt (cognitive behaviour therapy) an although it was hard it really did help

I wanted the medical management as i was too frightened to have surgery in case i didnt wake up an i didnt wang to wait for it to happen naturally - medical management for me was i would see it happening an as awful as that sounds it meant i knew it was real and over an my baby was gone but wen i did pass the baby/pregnancy i never looked as i knew that was it mostly over an i had enough mental images in my head without another

Wat i will say is take as much time as u nd off in total i had 3weeks off an tho i thi i had sorted my head it was nowhete near long enough work was a dick wen i went bak moved me and another girl to a different offoce an it was too overwhelming they didny really try an understand an i know if uve not bn theu it it is hard i had a gd few shouting matches at my boss an i do feel bad now but at the time an still now i partly blame work for the mc for the stress i was under an them calling me a bully wen in actual fact it was a colleague that was bullying me

If u wana talk more i can give u my mobile number im here to listen hun i know how hard an lonely u can feel ur not alone xxx

 

[Eryinera]

Thanks for the offer. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone. In fact writing it down allowed me to sleep! I do feel like I'm getting worse not better but I guess it's got to get worse before its gets better that being said I think after 4 weeks it would be getting better?

 

[kaz1983]

Not necessarily time is not always a great healer i found it was months after it hit me an still does now even writing down on here to you i felt the tears running down my cheek but i feel like its helping you me giving u my experience an i felt alone i even felt uncomfortable around good friends its been nearly 13 months since my mc an still it haunts me so take ur time ur doing great do wat u feel like doing if u dont feel like doin anything then dont xxx

 

[Eryinera]

I'm sorry yours has still hit you so hard. I must admit I sometimes still struggle with my first 2 mcs. In fact I wrote a poem it's on here somewhere in the depths. It's not a brilliant poem but every time I read it I cry. I found it quite cathartic just to let it all out. I hate the waiting that's the worst part.