unmarried and asian

[niknaks]

hi everyone im new to this but need some advice. as you can tell from the title im asian and unmarried. im 8/9 weeks pregnant and been with my oh for 2.5 years. im really excited about this pregnancy cos i feel like im ready to be a mum but one of the only things playing on my mind is telling my parents. my mums always said to me if i get pregnant im on my own and out the house blah blah blah. which i can deal with but as they'd be my babys only grandparents i dont want them to disown me. does anyone have any advice on telling them and if i should tell them after my 12 week scan which is what i was planning to do?

 

[Sarah13]

How old are you if you don't mind me asking? I'm sure your parents wont react as badly as you imagine, maybe if your very young they might be quite mad at first but if your over 18 and been with your boyfriend a long time they will probably come round quickly. I take it you still live with them since you say you would be out of the house? Could you make plans to set up home with your boyfriend anyway so you can both care for baby and be together properly? Most mums soon come round when they realize they are going to become a gran. You say your from an Asian background, is it a strict Asian background? This could make a difference how you approach the subject with them and when is best to tell them. Sorry I'm not much help!

 

[Lulu_Laroo]

I would say you're right to wait until after the 12 week scan, then maybe you can show them the scan picture and they might not be so hard on you after seeing a picture of their future grandchild?
Try to keep positive and definitely stick around on this forum as everyone is so supportive xx

 

[niknaks]

thankyou both for the advice. I've been onto a couple of other pregnancy forums which i think could have been american and they werent very helpful.
Sarah 13 I'm 25. I'm currently doing a nursing degree and working part time so baby hasnt really come at the right time but there been a couple of ladies in my class who have had babies so i know theres help around and i can go back after babys born but this is also a problem or will be with my parents. they think ive made wrong choices and wasted too many years studying things i didnt want to so i know they're not going to be happy with that either. As for setting up with my partner we were actually doing that but his work cut down his hours and mine werent giving me overtime and with uni and everything we had to give up the flat and my parents are letting him stay in the spare room. our plan was to save for a mortgage but thats out the window so now if we get kicked out we might have to rent a room till we get back on our feet, so maybe it isnt the right time to have a child but i cant see myself giving up my chance to be a mother as ive been through that and its not something i want to do again. my parents are from goa so are catholic but their not very religious just traditional no sex before marriage types and they care alot about what people think so that would be a big problem.

thanks too lulu for your advice. i will wait till the scan which is on the 7th. its just upsetting that i cant share these experiences with my mum and i really hope if they do want to see the scan they will be pleased but just so scared. i am trying not 2 dwell on it too much but its hard. as well my parents arent very wellso that dont make things any easier

 

[suzzi]

hi

i know this is a long shot but if your having a baby then your making a commitment so how about getting engaged!! they can then see its for life and might not be so hard on you about baby. also i would be looking at places to rent now just incase she is true to her word and kicks you out, the less stress the better.

good luck xxx

 

[suzzi]

also im 37 and dreading telling my mum!!! lol xx

 

[Sarah13]

I agree with suzzi, why not show your commitment too each other (if you want to and plan too in the future of course) they let him live with you so already accept you as a couple. My friend married while pregnant to get a military house before baby arrived! Make plans to move out anyway, you won't want to live at home with your mum forever!

Speak to uni and sort things out there, I'm a mature student and they said I can take a temporary break than go back and finish my masters, just a form to fill in. Least your parents will see you have your plans in place there too.

I didnt tell my mum until scan either, think thats quite normal, as you will want to know pregnancy is viable etc. When you tell them why not go in with your boyfriend for support all excited and happy with your scan picture (after all you are!) your happiness might be infectious, show no worry to them, your an adult with your own mind after all! They could end up coming round quickly, will this be their first grandchild? They probably know that your relationship is more than holding hands anyway at your age, sometimes parents just don't want 'that kind of thing' under their roof how ever old you are!

Good luck, keep us updated x

 

[i.love]

hi niknaks, how are you doing?

I agree with the girls - the best thing for you would be to get engaged (if you are serious about each other, of course). It could put your parents' mind at rest.

I once needed to go against my family's wishes - I moved to the UK to be with a guy who I hardly knew at the time (we are now married for almost 3 years and I'm pregnant). My parents were first really worried about me and did not want to let me go. My dad told me that if I go, I will be on my own, and I should not count on any help from them.

I went anyway. When my parents realised, that it's all serious, they accepted my decision. They now love their son in law, and all this "you are on your own" is long forgotten.

I understand that my and your families can be very different due to cultural and other differences. Just thought I should share my experience, maybe it will help you.

Anyway, keep us updated and wish you the best of luck xxx

 

[niknaks]

thanks again for all the advice u all have given me. We are kinda engaged. my friends reckon we are but im just waiting for the ring. he proposed new years day last year. we just have been having much luck and with the flat and everything things have been a bit hard. moving into my parents is helping us alot and weve started saving for a place. i havent told many people about the proposal because of the ring(stupid i know) just wanted to do things properly but too late for that now. my parents kinda know already though that we will get married one day as they keep saying to me to save for our wedding and i overheard my mum saying to my oh that one day the house will be ours cos he was saying the garden looked nice or something. so i know they have accepted him. it did take them a long time cos hes mixed race and portugese which isnt the problem just that he hasnt got a good job but his brothers getting him another job.

i really do hope my parents get used to the idea as i dont want my baby to grow up without grandparents. mine died young so kinda missed out a bit. my dad the type who thinks if im happy hes happy so i know he might be ok, my mum on the other hand didnt talk to me for 3 days when i got my nose pierced at 22 so shes the stubborn type. just a bit scared what its gonna be like when she finds out.

also a quick question.. how many tests did u girls do when u discovered u were pregnant. im getting a bit scared that im getting excited over nothing. i dunno if its just that its 2 early to tell anyone or maybe that my appointments are so far away. my oh and my friends who do know think im just being paranoid :-s xx

 

[i.love]

niknaks, I did 8 tests I think lol... I bought a pack of cheapies on ebay, and had nothing else to do with them, so I just kept redoing the test just because I liked to watch the second line appear

I also couldn't believe that I was actually pregnant for quite some time - I think it's normal

when is your appointment? I had mine at 8 weeks, so maybe you can get one soon too? I just called my surgery and said that I am pregnant, and they arranged an appointment for me. But they wouldn't do that if I didn't call them in the first place.

 

[Sarah13]

Things sound ok from what your saying, your parents like your partner, hopefully all will go well when you tell them x

I did about 7 tests! I couldn't quite believe it so kept checking!

 

[BabysMomma]

My Mum was forever telling me that if I kept on moving out, moving back, then out again etc, that it'd be the last time Think it was my Mum's way of trying to keep me close and not let me go.

Parents usually come around in the end. My Mum, although culturely different, was one for thinking too much about what the neighbours thought etc, but she couldn't have been more supportive when I got pregnant with my DS, 14yrs ago, and just a matter of weeks before my 19th birthday!

It does sound like your parents have accepted your OH and may surprise you with their reaction. I hope it all goes well for you both when the time comes to give them the fantastic news. x

 

[niknaks]

did they make u do a test at the docs any of u? i went last week tues and she said basically i am cos they usually go by the test result anyway then she got me to leave my details with the midwife who rang straight away bbut she only had appointment available on the 31st and she said i was roughly 8/9 weeks so booked my 12 week scan for the 7th. soo excited. i think my mind will be more at ease when i go for those appointments. my oh says he thinks ive gone wider and look bigger up top so he thinks i dont need to do another one and also i went to see my goddaughter a few weeks ago and her mum was like your blooming and she defo thought i was before i took the test. and i heard women who have kids are usually right about these things. but as for going wider i heard this early in a pregnancy its not the baby its water retention. (ive been going a bit mad on research :-s).

i think im gonna book another appointment with the doc cos i have tedonitis in my left knee and hip and since i discovered im pregnant i feel like its getting more painful so a bit worried as i gt bigger and might just ask to do a test.

as for my parents i think ill just tell them after my scan and hope for the best. theres nothing else i can do. it does make it easier that they get on with my oh but i just hope it doesnt change when they find out :-s x

 

[suzzi]

i told my mum yesterday im 37 this will be my 3rd baby and i was petrified i thought she'd flip, but all was well she is really pleased for us, so it may not be as bad as you think! its certainly a weight of your shoulders x x xgood luck xx

 

[Sarah13]

I didn't get tested at doctors either, they trust the home ones now, sometimes they are better! That's exciting you have a scan booked! And yeah I think women with kids do pick up on pregnancy although none of us did when my friend accidentally fell pregnant, not even her for a while!

Suzzi, how scary is it telling people when your a bit older, I'm sure it's like being really young, you think people might be negative! I knew nobody would be expecting it and everyone has been lovely but so shocked! My mum had a tear in her eye, she's a real maternal type, likes getting all these grandkids!

 

[purplehippy]

Hey NikNak. They always say it's safest to wait til after the 12 week scan, just incase. So that will give you some time to let it sink in for you, and in the meantime you can always chat wedding with your parents, perhaps even let them know that you are both serious, but doing what's best for you both first (like arranging somewhere to live etc). I'd definitely speak to your uni and see if they can help.

I worked in a school in Slough, my mum still works there, and I'm aware of how strict a lot of our kid's families were, even with their older kids. But you will always be their little girl, you are just very precious to them. Let them know your intentions and that you are both happy and that you hope in time they will be too - because the littlun is their family too.

Good luck!

 

[Sassysugar]

Good luck for your scan, it's so fab seeing them up on the screen, I couldn't stop laughing (think it was nerves) and my wee blump was upsidedown so she had to tilt the bed back so my feet were in the air and started poking my belly and blump spun round so they were on their back, was fab to see that happen. It all became very real that day!

 

[niknaks]

Aww im really glad it worked out well for u suzzi. hope some of your luck rubs off on me. my oh was teasing me today that hes gonna tell my mum that ive been unwell the past few days but hes just trying to make light of the situation. and thanx for letting me know too sarah. think ive been a bit emotional and just paranoid about everything. just want everything to be perfect and feel like its all a dream. dunno aswell what to expect.
ive decided i am definetly gonna wait till my scan to tell the parents. jst wish it werent soo far away. just want everything to speed up a bit. (ill probably regret that doing the night feed :-s) but just wanna start buying stuff. my goddaughters mum wants to give me all her stuff but my oh is like he dont want 2nd hand stuff for a newborn which i dont mind cos shes got different taste to mine.
purple hippy how long were u in slough 4? which school was it? but your right. its like even at work theres a lot of older asians there and my mum works there 2 so a bit paranoid cos they all like gossiping about everything and i dont care if they say anything about me, its only my mum im worried about. i know what your saying but at the moment i just cant see it. everyones saying the same too. my dad i know could handle it but hes a sick man and already had a minor heart attck which he didnt know about dnt want to make it worse. its mainly my mum and her family. they can be a bit backward.
thanx sassysugar. im soo excited. cant wait to see it for the first time. thats really cool. its gonna be so strange seeing it and thinking thats growing inside me. i think its soo amazing. i just wish time would fly by x

 

[Sarah13]

Tri 1 certainly dragged for me too! Getting a bit quicker now, think it's because nobody knows your pregnant in tri 1! You will have to put your scan pics on here once you've had it, it is exciting, can't wait for my 20 week one now!

 

[niknaks]

yeah it really does seem to be dragging. but now it seems to be going a bit quicker as its a week today till i have my appointment with the midwife and 2 weeks today till my first scan :-D i cant wait. a bit nervous too as i dont really know what to expect. and oh yes i will definetly do that if i can work it out lol. rubbish at uploading pics lol looks like you got your scan 2 days after mine. you must be soo excited. are you gonna find out the sex? it is the 20 week scan you find that out isnt it? x