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trouble with the ex and him seeing my daughter? help!
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Pregnopaws
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hi hun.. Sorry to hear your having to deal with such crap from your ex! Basically if you were never married to Charlotte's father he has almost zero rights, Sad for some dads, but prob a blessing in your case. Seeing a solicitor is a good idea. I believe that if you feel threatened in any way you can have a restraining order brought against him in order to stop him going anywhere near you or your daughter. Good idea to get the law on your side.
He sounds like quite an unstable chap so Im not suprised your not keen to let him have her! If it were my situation I would allow very controlled access (1 hour visitation) min, and only when he shows signs of acting appropriately.
You must put your daughter first here at all costs! Your ex basically lost his case and any rights he might have had, when he kicked you both out didn't he! But the real question is, does Charlotte want to see him? If the answer is no, perhaps she is already old enough to have made her own decision about him. Nothing could be worse than dumping a child on someone they feel is a virtual stranger/ and are uncomfortable afraid to be with..? Maybe he will change at some point in the future. Hope this helps a little.
He sounds like quite an unstable chap so Im not suprised your not keen to let him have her! If it were my situation I would allow very controlled access (1 hour visitation) min, and only when he shows signs of acting appropriately.
You must put your daughter first here at all costs! Your ex basically lost his case and any rights he might have had, when he kicked you both out didn't he! But the real question is, does Charlotte want to see him? If the answer is no, perhaps she is already old enough to have made her own decision about him. Nothing could be worse than dumping a child on someone they feel is a virtual stranger/ and are uncomfortable afraid to be with..? Maybe he will change at some point in the future. Hope this helps a little.
Babylicious
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I've been here with my ex for a similar thing and the best thing for Paris was to be brought up buy Sean (my current partner and father of this LO) - it also sounds like he can't be bothered. With kids you need to be consistent.
Tell him to piss off
Does he pay CSA for her? Is he named on her birth certificate and were you married when she was born? If any of them are yes then he does have parental rights, but considering he's made no effort to see her then the court won't see it in her best interest to have contact with this looser, especially if you mention about the drug taking.
How does she get on with your OH? Paris calls sean Dad now
Tell him to piss off
Does he pay CSA for her? Is he named on her birth certificate and were you married when she was born? If any of them are yes then he does have parental rights, but considering he's made no effort to see her then the court won't see it in her best interest to have contact with this looser, especially if you mention about the drug taking.
How does she get on with your OH? Paris calls sean Dad now
well... i said ur not gonna see him for a while as hes gone away to work in the begining - december/jan time.. and she said ok..and she doesnt mention him now..so im not gonna bring it bk up n say anything coz i dont want her to become confused again..if she asks then i will jsut tell her that he still working away.. i think that way she doesnt feel abandoned but im making an excuse again for him.. i dunno its really hard
he is on the birth cert.. and no to the others...but the law only changed in 2004 that dads have parental responsibility after 2004, and she was born in 2002, hence y we could get her name changed without his concent.
Babylicious
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Then in my opinion then she is better off without him in her life, she needs someone who's going to be consistant. Her relationship with her step dad will only get stronger, plus she'll probably start calling your hubby dad when the LO does! 
Sounds like you are doing the right thing - if you want any legal advise pm me
Sounds like you are doing the right thing - if you want any legal advise pm me
she already calls him dad.. sorry i forgot to mention that..im going to the solicitor tmro, that womens aid have set up for me as they know all my history with him basically and still have my records there...so i have even more proof that she shouldnt see him, all i wanted to know was if others have been through courts what should i expect? and if i should get an injunction out against him will it look better for us if it goes further?
Babylicious
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they won't give you an injunction unless he makes an attempt to contact her, you may get a residency order (stating that she is soley in your care) and a prohibited steps order, which means no one can take her without your prior say so. Considering he's paid nothing towards her up keep, can't be bothered to see her and gawd knows what he has done to you prior to this!
Although be warned they may get cafcas involved or a social worker and have her interviewed to see how she feels about contact. I doubt that will happen though.
Currently going through all this myself with my ex, now he can't get legal aid hes changed his mind about taking me to court. He has a violent past
Although be warned they may get cafcas involved or a social worker and have her interviewed to see how she feels about contact. I doubt that will happen though.
Currently going through all this myself with my ex, now he can't get legal aid hes changed his mind about taking me to court. He has a violent past
lisa Just wanted to say that as Charlotte grows up her biological dad won't be able to hide anymore or be so selfish as she'll be old enough to make up her own mind and I'm sure she will understand why you have said and done as you have, you're a great Mummy
Jen & Her Men
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Hi Lisa, I read your post with great sadness because I can really identify with Charlotte as your/her situation sounds very similar to that of myself when I was growing up so hopefully I can offer you some insight.
My dad left my mum and I when I was 3 but continued to see me. This became very sporadic as I got older and by the time I was 6 was very occasional. He was an alcoholic and a womaniser and basically saw me when he felt like. A pattern emerged where he would see me bi monthly for a month then get fed up or the novelty wore off or the pub called and he just didnt turn up. I lost coumt of the times I was stood in a car park waiting for him or at a relatives and he just wouldnt show up, and there I was a little girl of 7 or 8 waiting for hours on end for her daddy to show up and he never did. It really affected my confidence and I have a major issue with trusting men. I think things would have been a lot better if my stepdad had been how Alex sounds - he sounds great. Unfortunately mine never realyl accepted me, and was also jealous of my real dad so I wasnt allowed to see him which is why I had to go to carparks to meet him or round to my grandmas and we would have to lie about where Iwas going. I think that if my step dad had been more accepting of me I wouldnt have the hang ups and feelings of abandonment I do. I have to say my mum played it completely right because I dont blame her at all - she allowed me to see my daddy who despite everything I did love - so I have no resentment towards her at all. Plus she was always very honest with me about where he was and why he hadnt turned up, which did hurt but it means I have no rose tinted spectacles about my biological father and no desire to contact him or see him. Therefore, if Charlotte asks about her dad I would be as honest with her as possible and if she wants to see him you should think about maybe providing some sort of supervised visit because these sort of things stick with children. I know now that my dad was a bad man, and I was allowed to formulate that opinion for myself. We all want to protect our children but sometimes we can do that so much that we cloud the reality of the situation for the child, which then leads them to have distorted memories in future and a bigger sense of loss for their real parent because they never got the opportunity to realise for themseives that not seeing them was the best thing for them. On the other hand, if she is calling Alex daddy and never asks about her real dad then it may be for the best that her biological dad has no access and she accepts Alex as her dad. I think you do really need to take the lead from your little girl. If she asks about him, talk to her about him and dont try and sweep it under the carpet as this can be damaging when she gets older and she starts to question why she didnt see him etc. I hope this makes sense.
My dad left my mum and I when I was 3 but continued to see me. This became very sporadic as I got older and by the time I was 6 was very occasional. He was an alcoholic and a womaniser and basically saw me when he felt like. A pattern emerged where he would see me bi monthly for a month then get fed up or the novelty wore off or the pub called and he just didnt turn up. I lost coumt of the times I was stood in a car park waiting for him or at a relatives and he just wouldnt show up, and there I was a little girl of 7 or 8 waiting for hours on end for her daddy to show up and he never did. It really affected my confidence and I have a major issue with trusting men. I think things would have been a lot better if my stepdad had been how Alex sounds - he sounds great. Unfortunately mine never realyl accepted me, and was also jealous of my real dad so I wasnt allowed to see him which is why I had to go to carparks to meet him or round to my grandmas and we would have to lie about where Iwas going. I think that if my step dad had been more accepting of me I wouldnt have the hang ups and feelings of abandonment I do. I have to say my mum played it completely right because I dont blame her at all - she allowed me to see my daddy who despite everything I did love - so I have no resentment towards her at all. Plus she was always very honest with me about where he was and why he hadnt turned up, which did hurt but it means I have no rose tinted spectacles about my biological father and no desire to contact him or see him. Therefore, if Charlotte asks about her dad I would be as honest with her as possible and if she wants to see him you should think about maybe providing some sort of supervised visit because these sort of things stick with children. I know now that my dad was a bad man, and I was allowed to formulate that opinion for myself. We all want to protect our children but sometimes we can do that so much that we cloud the reality of the situation for the child, which then leads them to have distorted memories in future and a bigger sense of loss for their real parent because they never got the opportunity to realise for themseives that not seeing them was the best thing for them. On the other hand, if she is calling Alex daddy and never asks about her real dad then it may be for the best that her biological dad has no access and she accepts Alex as her dad. I think you do really need to take the lead from your little girl. If she asks about him, talk to her about him and dont try and sweep it under the carpet as this can be damaging when she gets older and she starts to question why she didnt see him etc. I hope this makes sense.
anks for that post, like yourself i also grew up having a cr*ppy relationship with my real dad.. actually i didnt know him, but my brothers dad adopted me, and also treated me like your real dad treated you, again like you, i also have emotional difficulties and trust issues,
this may be hard to believe but i have just qualified as a counsellor, and although i see things in others relationships its hard to see your own faults and problems (esp when ur pregnant lol) i can see the damage the relationship with charlotte and her father is doing, i dont want her to have emotional issues when she is older, our house give her a secure base on which she should be able to florish and grow into a mature, responsible, secure adult.. here she has love, unconditionally, she knows where she stands and she has boundaries.
any questions she has had i am honest with her, although i told her that hes gone away to work which is a lie, she is to young to understand that he just didnt give a sh*t about her, so my way of helping her to deal with it was a little white lie. over the past few months i have tried to say to her that he isnt well and thats y he cant see her -which is the truth it is not my job to harm her, it is my job to protect and love her the best i can, she has the roll of a father filled completly by my husband and she isnt missing out on anything if she saw her father then she would be missing out on the security.
ive been to see a solicitor and hes written to him asking to stop contacting me, i also recieved a letter from him, which was filled with lies. so its made em even more sure in my decision. - i just hope it turns out to be the best one in the long run.. not seeing my real father has not caused me any harm, but being messed around by my adopted father did..
this may be hard to believe but i have just qualified as a counsellor, and although i see things in others relationships its hard to see your own faults and problems (esp when ur pregnant lol) i can see the damage the relationship with charlotte and her father is doing, i dont want her to have emotional issues when she is older, our house give her a secure base on which she should be able to florish and grow into a mature, responsible, secure adult.. here she has love, unconditionally, she knows where she stands and she has boundaries.
any questions she has had i am honest with her, although i told her that hes gone away to work which is a lie, she is to young to understand that he just didnt give a sh*t about her, so my way of helping her to deal with it was a little white lie. over the past few months i have tried to say to her that he isnt well and thats y he cant see her -which is the truth it is not my job to harm her, it is my job to protect and love her the best i can, she has the roll of a father filled completly by my husband and she isnt missing out on anything if she saw her father then she would be missing out on the security.
ive been to see a solicitor and hes written to him asking to stop contacting me, i also recieved a letter from him, which was filled with lies. so its made em even more sure in my decision. - i just hope it turns out to be the best one in the long run.. not seeing my real father has not caused me any harm, but being messed around by my adopted father did..
Jen & Her Men
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Hi Lisa
Well it certainly sounds like you have your head screwed on and have considered all your options so I salute you for that. It is such a difficult situation and sometimes so difficult to know what to do for the best. I agree that the emotional scarring that can be left through being messed around is definitely worse than that left from just not seeing a parent. All I was trying to say is that when she is old enough, she should know the reasons why she didnt see him at all, so that she doesnt get rose tinted spectacles about him, blame you for not seeing him, and then try and seek him out which could then cause her the pain you have tried so hard to avoid for her.
I wish you all the best and hope he just stays away and she can grow up in the loving and caring environment you and Alex provide her without the spectre of her biological father always threatening to ruin things.
Good luck to you xx
Well it certainly sounds like you have your head screwed on and have considered all your options so I salute you for that. It is such a difficult situation and sometimes so difficult to know what to do for the best. I agree that the emotional scarring that can be left through being messed around is definitely worse than that left from just not seeing a parent. All I was trying to say is that when she is old enough, she should know the reasons why she didnt see him at all, so that she doesnt get rose tinted spectacles about him, blame you for not seeing him, and then try and seek him out which could then cause her the pain you have tried so hard to avoid for her.
I wish you all the best and hope he just stays away and she can grow up in the loving and caring environment you and Alex provide her without the spectre of her biological father always threatening to ruin things.
Good luck to you xx
If you haven't done already, get a diary and everytime he phones/writes etc log it down. I was told to do this by a social worker when my ex was doing what yours is. In the end with my situation I arranged contact once a month which I supervised and if he kept up the arrangement then it would get more often. This was all done through solicitors so it was formal. He turned up twice and stopped so I had the proof that what I was saying was true. (he always said it was my fault he wasn't seeing the children).
Tia's dad has been an absolute crappy father to her and she's 8 now. When she got meningitis he went away camping with his mates as he did for her first birthday. He threw a wobbly when I refused to let Tia stay with him over night because he was growing weed in HER bedroom. And he has had little to no contact with her over the last two years. He hasn't seen her for three.
He has since given up his drugs to go into his army (strange how he can quit drugs to do something he's always wanted to but can't for his little girl) needless to say the damage is done and he's a complete stranger to her now. Tia hasn't seen him since she was five but she still remembers him and loves him dearly. When he doesn't call or write on the important days like Christmas or Birthday's, she too asks if daddy still loves her..and what did she do wrong??? I feel so sorry for her, she doesn't deserve that...and despite the horrible way he treats her she still treats him with love, gratitude and respect.
A few days ago...out of the blue we get a CD of photos and two letter from him. He's being posted to Afganastan and I think he might be a little scared that he may not come back because they are good bye letters. I haven't read them to Tia. She has seen the news and often asks if her daddy will die.... Hopefully their distance between them will mean she can go on pretending that he's alive if he does die.
I can't tell you what to do....But I am in a very similar situation to you, and I personally wouldn't go out of my way to help this man see your daughter. Always let your daughter know that she has a daddy somewhere else, and when she is old enough, she can go an visit him, but at the age she is now, she is too young to be left alone with someone that irresponsible. I would never have left Tia alone with my ex when she was 4, he would have ended up killing her or something. Also if he is a stranger to your daughter, she would just be confused at being sent off to spend time with someone she doesn't know. If your ex really wants to see her, he would come to your front door and he would have a role in her life such as paying support. He hasn't.
Don't feel sorry for him...it's his fault things are the way they are anyway. If he truly loved her he would have been there for her, but he couldn't see past his own selfish needs and now that door has closed.
Your daughter will probably want to know more when she is older. I am sure Tia will. Tia also wants to have her surname changed to Peltonen like my husbands and has agreed to be adopted, and she is at an age where she really is old enough to decide now.
I keep the doors open for my ex to see her when he wants and he makes the choice not to... but at least I can say in the years to come, that I never stopped Tia from seeing her natural father, and thats all you can do as a mother.
He has since given up his drugs to go into his army (strange how he can quit drugs to do something he's always wanted to but can't for his little girl) needless to say the damage is done and he's a complete stranger to her now. Tia hasn't seen him since she was five but she still remembers him and loves him dearly. When he doesn't call or write on the important days like Christmas or Birthday's, she too asks if daddy still loves her..and what did she do wrong??? I feel so sorry for her, she doesn't deserve that...and despite the horrible way he treats her she still treats him with love, gratitude and respect.
A few days ago...out of the blue we get a CD of photos and two letter from him. He's being posted to Afganastan and I think he might be a little scared that he may not come back because they are good bye letters. I haven't read them to Tia. She has seen the news and often asks if her daddy will die.... Hopefully their distance between them will mean she can go on pretending that he's alive if he does die.
I can't tell you what to do....But I am in a very similar situation to you, and I personally wouldn't go out of my way to help this man see your daughter. Always let your daughter know that she has a daddy somewhere else, and when she is old enough, she can go an visit him, but at the age she is now, she is too young to be left alone with someone that irresponsible. I would never have left Tia alone with my ex when she was 4, he would have ended up killing her or something. Also if he is a stranger to your daughter, she would just be confused at being sent off to spend time with someone she doesn't know. If your ex really wants to see her, he would come to your front door and he would have a role in her life such as paying support. He hasn't.
Don't feel sorry for him...it's his fault things are the way they are anyway. If he truly loved her he would have been there for her, but he couldn't see past his own selfish needs and now that door has closed.
Your daughter will probably want to know more when she is older. I am sure Tia will. Tia also wants to have her surname changed to Peltonen like my husbands and has agreed to be adopted, and she is at an age where she really is old enough to decide now.
I keep the doors open for my ex to see her when he wants and he makes the choice not to... but at least I can say in the years to come, that I never stopped Tia from seeing her natural father, and thats all you can do as a mother.
mrs_tommo22
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Sounds like your doing the best you can and protecting your child is paramount as it would be to any loving parent.
I would be doing the same thing as you if i had a ex like yours.
I would be doing the same thing as you if i had a ex like yours.
My husband is going through the courts right now for his son who is 9, the birth mother is a real dragon and has told constant lies, stopped contact etc.......(she is actually serving a 10 yr sentance right now but she still has asay)
what I am saying is that the court system is really stressful and you have to think about that. I would try to avoid that if at all possible.
I think that if your ex does actually go to court the probability would be that he would get some sort of contact as it is seen to be in the childs best interest.
This is what I would do.......offer contact via a contact center, that way if he misses any visits they can be recorded as missed visits, then when it goes to court, you can use the missed visits as part of your case.
If on the other hand he actually attends the visits, your daughter will be able to make a relationship with her father which can only be a positive thing.
Good luck x
what I am saying is that the court system is really stressful and you have to think about that. I would try to avoid that if at all possible.
I think that if your ex does actually go to court the probability would be that he would get some sort of contact as it is seen to be in the childs best interest.
This is what I would do.......offer contact via a contact center, that way if he misses any visits they can be recorded as missed visits, then when it goes to court, you can use the missed visits as part of your case.
If on the other hand he actually attends the visits, your daughter will be able to make a relationship with her father which can only be a positive thing.
Good luck x
reallyoldmum
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Oh my heart goes out to you and your daughter; my exhusband had a great relationship with my children when we first broke up, dd was 9 and ds was 7 but when he met his now wife 12 months later the trouble started. She didnt want them in their house as they looked like me!! Anyway 10 years ago he told my daughter to f**k off - we all live in a small town in shropshire and over the 10 years we would bump into them in the street or in a restaurant and he would just ignore the children. This was awful for my children, especially my daughter - every special occasion like birthdays and christmas or when they did well in school or passed her driving test we would have tears - why didnt her daddy love her!!!???
Anyway just after Christmas this year he wrote to her at her university (they still had contact with his mum who must have said which uni she went to) it sent her into a real panic - he said he was so sorry and that his marriage had broken down and he wanted to see them....... She emailed him and explaned she was scared in case he would let them down again - he made all sorts of promises - two weeks later he got back with wife - dd received an email saying it had all been her fault (my daughters that is!!!) and that she had put him under pressure (at 10!!!!) so he had no choice but to stop seeing them - she hasnt heard a word since ........
Now over the years my daughter has had some issues with my now husband - resented him a bit I think because of her dad - the nicest end to this story is as a 20 year old adult - without telling me - she rang Dave and just said to him - why did I spend so much time worrying that my dad didnt care when he did, because I now realise you are more of a dad than my father could ever be!!!! My ohh so strong husband just sat there in tears - talk about daughters wrapping their daddies around their little fingers - I've never seen him so proud!!
Moral of the story is let your ex do his worst - protect your little one as much as you can - she will realise the truth one day and only love you more for it x x x x
PM me if you want to talk more........
One last thing - it really is true that it takes about 5 minutes to become a father but a lifetime be become a daddy!!!
Anyway just after Christmas this year he wrote to her at her university (they still had contact with his mum who must have said which uni she went to) it sent her into a real panic - he said he was so sorry and that his marriage had broken down and he wanted to see them....... She emailed him and explaned she was scared in case he would let them down again - he made all sorts of promises - two weeks later he got back with wife - dd received an email saying it had all been her fault (my daughters that is!!!) and that she had put him under pressure (at 10!!!!) so he had no choice but to stop seeing them - she hasnt heard a word since ........
Now over the years my daughter has had some issues with my now husband - resented him a bit I think because of her dad - the nicest end to this story is as a 20 year old adult - without telling me - she rang Dave and just said to him - why did I spend so much time worrying that my dad didnt care when he did, because I now realise you are more of a dad than my father could ever be!!!! My ohh so strong husband just sat there in tears - talk about daughters wrapping their daddies around their little fingers - I've never seen him so proud!!
Moral of the story is let your ex do his worst - protect your little one as much as you can - she will realise the truth one day and only love you more for it x x x x
PM me if you want to talk more........
One last thing - it really is true that it takes about 5 minutes to become a father but a lifetime be become a daddy!!!
We all have our childrens best interests at heart, but trust me on this one, the courts dont always agree with our version of the childs best interest.
Keep a diary of everything, if it does go to court you will need a statement and you have to be exact in its content, one slip and his team will make you out to be the biggest liar.
As someone who has been through the court system for the last 2 years I know a little of what to expect, and like I say the courts do not always agree with the mothers version of events.
Maybe not what you want to hear, but its realistic.
Keep a diary of everything, if it does go to court you will need a statement and you have to be exact in its content, one slip and his team will make you out to be the biggest liar.
As someone who has been through the court system for the last 2 years I know a little of what to expect, and like I say the courts do not always agree with the mothers version of events.
Maybe not what you want to hear, but its realistic.
