To split or not to split

[Colourmeblue]

Things have gone from bad to worse with OH. Think its a mix of a lot of things. Firstly an most importantly he finds it unable to bond with my 10 year old from another relationship. He goes through bouts where he will try and bond with her and get along and make jokes etc, but then he will have moments where i can tell he gets really iriitated, so instead of saying anything he will just go silent and ignore us all....which is horrible and unbearable. We speak about this situation all the time, and the end result is he always promises he will make more of an effort with her, and then the same thing keeps happening. Over the course of time that we have been together, being with him has made me feel like a bad mum to my daughter, for putting her through with a man who doesnt bond with her. She has now started to feel happier at her dads, rather than with us, which breaks my heart. She doesnt outwardly blame this on my partner, but i know this is the leading cause of it. Aside from all this making me feel like the worst mum, its made me really resent my partner, and now almost hate him and have fallen out of love with him. On top of this major issues, we have other issues too, such as he has a cheating past (of sexting other women twice), therefore this has made me jealous and insecure. Also, apart from financially, i dont feel supported by him. I am still on mat leave, but i literally run the house, the cleaning, the cooking, and look after the baby pretty much completely by myself. I forever tell him how i feel, that i need more help with house and baby etc, and he always promises to make more of an effort, and again it doesnt happen. Our relationship has now got to a a point where i actually feel like im suffering with depression, i feel sad and alone most days, and truly unhappy. Our converstaiton is pretty much non existant. He says hes given up trying to tell me about his day at work, as all i do is get jealous. I find he is only happy when with his family (his dad, and brother/sister etc). He gets annoyed at me all the time, and i get annoyed at him all the time, and being together is sometimes unbearable, and other times just plain quiet.....its no wonder my 10 year old would rather be at her dads. Last night we decided to call it a day...he said he would move out over the weekend. ...i cried all night at the sadness of it all.....and by morning i think we'd both pretty much decided we couldnt bear to be apart from our little baby - who is now 8 months, so decided we couldnt split. The thing is i know he is only with me for the baby and this makes me even more unhappy. What do i do?

 

[lisey]

I can't say split or don't split but I wouldn't put up with it myself, I have a son from a previous relationship and if my partner couldn't accept him then there is no way I could be with him and I don't blame you for feeling resentful towards him for that.
The only thing I would say is if you feel you do have depression then it may be best not to make any drastic decisions right now. I have suffered with depression a lot over the years and when I am going through it, my feelings towards everything are very different to how they are when I am feeling ok.
I hope you can work out what's best for you and I understand it must be really hard x

 

[Mum2betash]

Only you can make that choice. It must be very hard. I know if I had a new partner that couldn't accept my daughter there would be no way on earth I'd stay. But then it makes it more tricky having a baby together. You can't stay together just for the baby though as it isn't fair on anyone. (even though I would) I hope you pull through this and everything turns out alright for you. I can't imagine what you're going through. I hope there are other on here that can give you some good advice. I wish you all the best xxx

 

[SR35]

Hi I'm sorry to hear you're going through all of this, it sounds like there are many issues so its bound to feel overwhelming trying to cope with it all. But it sounds like neither of you really want to split even if it is because of your baby, so maybe it is possible to work on your problems and become happier. My first thought would be to try some counselling as it can really help you both to talk about how you're feeling with somebody impartial and without it turning into an argument. I'm a stepmum to two children myself and know how hard it can be for everyone involved but maybe with a bit of time, effort and patience things can turn around? Good luck, hope everything sorts itself out soon xxx

 

[Colourmeblue]

Feel like it's near impossible to be with him, but also do not feel ready or strong enough for a break up right now. Since our near break up the other night, again he's made no effort to make it any better. No real effort with my daughter, and no real effort with me. But yet he will come home and tell me about how he has banter with this person and that person at work, who just happen to be women, and how he was on a different task the other day, and was made to show visitors around the office, so beacuse he was bored, he called one of the girls who used to work in his office to come and keep him company.....sorry but am i going nuts over nothing? - or is the man trying to drive me insane???

 

[lisey]

Yes it sound like he is trying to get at you there. I would take it that way anyway, I had a partner who used to do this along with many other things that amounted to emotional abuse. He knocked my confidence completely. It must be very hard for you and its no wonder you are feeling the way you do x

 

[Colourmeblue]

Yes it sound like he is trying to get at you there. I would take it that way anyway, I had a partner who used to do this along with many other things that amounted to emotional abuse. He knocked my confidence completely. It must be very hard for you and its no wonder you are feeling the way you do x

Yeah but he makes out like its perfectly normal to behave the way he does, and apparently theres lots more at work that he doesnt tell me about, cos i 'go crazy'. Honestly hun, i think hes driving me crazy. Whats funny is that he doesnt call and speak to me when hes at work - i dont get one phone call from him, not even to see how the baby is, but then he'll tell me that hes speaking to some girl at work about this or that. I'm so angry all the time that i'm scared that if this relationship does end, it will now look like it was my fault as i'm the one whos always angry and moaning, but i never used to be this way. It's all these things he has does and still does that drive me insane. Perhaps he is looking for a reaction, i dunno, but he makes out that theres nothing in what he is doing, and im the wierd one. All this coupled with all our other problems, i really do feel like im cracking up a little more each day.

 

[lisey]

If he 'thinks' you are moaning or get angry with him then why on earth would he add fuel to the fire by pointing out the way he acts with women at work? Does he mention conversations he has with the guys there?
Also, if you do break up, don't worry about what anyone thinks in regards to it being your fault. You know the relationship, not them.
My ex used to drive me crazy, he would mention women, he would mention my weight (I have never ever been overweight so he was putting me down), he would grind me down in every way and I also got to the point where I was constantly wound up. Its hard work and draining x

 

[Colourmeblue]

He does tell me stories about his male friends also, but he seems to have this knack of keeping the girls as friends even when he moves on from a job. Maybe im a mug and he's cheating anyway, whenever he goes toilet/bathroom the phone goes with him (he reckons hes playing a game on there), and the other night he signed up to a gym and then weirdly came home and told me on the weekends he would be going to the gym at midnight, so as not to spend time away from us during the day. Maybe the tiredness from looking after the baby has taken away my ability to read between the lines???

 

[lisey]

I wouldn't immediately think he is cheating, my OH takes his phone to the toilet with him to read the news lol. He does leave his phone around though. The gym thing seems odd, I didn't know gyms stayed open that late? Maybe they do though, I have not ventured into one for many years!
If he talks about the men at work too then maybe he is not trying to cause upset, I thought he may have been only speaking about the women to cause jealously etc x

 

[ClimbingRose]

From all that you're saying, this doesnt sound like a good relationship for you or your eldest child. It must be very difficult as you have a small baby together, but in all honesty, people who have kids together do break up, and it works out fine, your LO is so young, they will totally adjust to having 2 parents who dont live together.
From experiences of seeing other couples go through this, the worst thing you can do is stay in a damaging unhealthy relationship for the sake of the children.
I would be very jealous and paranoid if my partner was doing that kind of thing... it sounds so suspicious. It may be innocent, but the truth is, you are still feeling jealous, insecure etc and your children will grow up seeing you this way and think thats what a relationship should be like. (and copy it, would you feel comfortable with your daughter in this kind of relationship?)
My parents were similar but also very violent to each other, and the best thing they ever did for us kids was to break up. It was not healthy.
HOw long have you been together? Can you see any real change in the future?
Sometimes a drastic action is needed to make them see sense! LEaving him may not be the worst thing as it might make him see what hes missing and push him to make positive changes, also giving you the room to see clearly the whole situation and try and figure out what it is you exactly want.
Sorry if this is a bit blunt and negative, but I really dont think the best thing for children is for the parents to live together, no matter what the relationship is like.

 

[Colourmeblue]

From all that you're saying, this doesnt sound like a good relationship for you or your eldest child. It must be very difficult as you have a small baby together, but in all honesty, people who have kids together do break up, and it works out fine, your LO is so young, they will totally adjust to having 2 parents who dont live together.
From experiences of seeing other couples go through this, the worst thing you can do is stay in a damaging unhealthy relationship for the sake of the children.
I would be very jealous and paranoid if my partner was doing that kind of thing... it sounds so suspicious. It may be innocent, but the truth is, you are still feeling jealous, insecure etc and your children will grow up seeing you this way and think thats what a relationship should be like. (and copy it, would you feel comfortable with your daughter in this kind of relationship?)
My parents were similar but also very violent to each other, and the best thing they ever did for us kids was to break up. It was not healthy.
HOw long have you been together? Can you see any real change in the future?
Sometimes a drastic action is needed to make them see sense! LEaving him may not be the worst thing as it might make him see what hes missing and push him to make positive changes, also giving you the room to see clearly the whole situation and try and figure out what it is you exactly want.
Sorry if this is a bit blunt and negative, but I really dont think the best thing for children is for the parents to live together, no matter what the relationship is like.

Thanks for your reply...this is exactly what we are doing at the moment...staying together for the sake of our baby....but at the same time i think this is just damaging to my eldest....and then i wonder what their relationship will be like as the little one grows. The lo will see her dad give her all the attention, and none at all to her sister....wont be good for their relationship either. Feel like all we do is bicker and argue and when he does speak to me i can tell its all fake, and all im doing is annoying him

 

[ClimbingRose]

From all that you're saying, this doesnt sound like a good relationship for you or your eldest child. It must be very difficult as you have a small baby together, but in all honesty, people who have kids together do break up, and it works out fine, your LO is so young, they will totally adjust to having 2 parents who dont live together.
From experiences of seeing other couples go through this, the worst thing you can do is stay in a damaging unhealthy relationship for the sake of the children.
I would be very jealous and paranoid if my partner was doing that kind of thing... it sounds so suspicious. It may be innocent, but the truth is, you are still feeling jealous, insecure etc and your children will grow up seeing you this way and think thats what a relationship should be like. (and copy it, would you feel comfortable with your daughter in this kind of relationship?)
My parents were similar but also very violent to each other, and the best thing they ever did for us kids was to break up. It was not healthy.
HOw long have you been together? Can you see any real change in the future?
Sometimes a drastic action is needed to make them see sense! LEaving him may not be the worst thing as it might make him see what hes missing and push him to make positive changes, also giving you the room to see clearly the whole situation and try and figure out what it is you exactly want.
Sorry if this is a bit blunt and negative, but I really dont think the best thing for children is for the parents to live together, no matter what the relationship is like.

Thanks for your reply...this is exactly what we are doing at the moment...staying together for the sake of our baby....but at the same time i think this is just damaging to my eldest....and then i wonder what their relationship will be like as the little one grows. The lo will see her dad give her all the attention, and none at all to her sister....wont be good for their relationship either. Feel like all we do is bicker and argue and when he does speak to me i can tell its all fake, and all im doing is annoying him

It sounds really tricky, and I dont envy your situation. You might want to try posting in the Single parents section asking others on their experiences of leaving a relationship when you have children. You probably feel very alone in all this, so might be nice to get some feedback from people who've been there, done it and are doing ok!
I know this is a stupidly simple way of looking at it, but what happens if you weigh up the pros and cons of your relationship? Writing it down on paper might help you make sense of whether there is anything worth saving or how your life might be better without him? I really do wish you lots of luck with it, not an easy choice to make xx

 

[honeybear]

Hi hun,
im really sorry to read about your situation. My honest opinion no matter how much you want a stable relationship or household for your children it probably wont work out that way. Your eldest is at a delicate age of going into a teenager and she needs to know her mum is there for her 24/7 and the stress your o.h is causing you may spiral into very bad depression, its already taking a toll on you. Your baby as well as daughter needs a happy healthy adult to raise them. Your o.h can sound quite manipulative with some of things he does. weather some of his actions are innocent or guilty i cant say. My partner has his phone strapped to his side 24/7 and at first i did think it was sinister but hes just addicted to his games i always catch him on in the bathroom.
My honest opinion after going through a heck of alot of stress and problems in my relationship is that if he isnt showing a will to change and give to change why should you suffer? he will miss out and realise the lovely family he will have lost and as some girls said may be the kick up the backside he needed and if not it sounds horrible but will surely show he isnt worth the fresh air. As painful as it is and all serious breakups absolutely destroy you for the first couple of weeks until you get used to the new environment, you still have your wonderful children who will fill you with so many joys maybe more than what you have right now
xxx

 

[mylullaby]

Sounds like a crap situation hun and sorry to hear you're having a tough time of it. Speak to your GP about things if you're 'feeling depressed' - you get no medals for trying to tackle depression alone. Speak to the pros sooner rather than later.

Re: your OH - if you do decide to stay, I really think that you should consider relationship counselling. Assuming he wants to actually work at the relationship? It's fucking horrible being with someone who makes you feel like shit. But if he's willing to try seriously to turn things around for the sake of your baby, why don't you contact Relate (http://www.relate.org.uk/) and see if they can help.

Take care xx

 

[Colourmeblue]

Great to hear all your replies, the support feels great cos really in this relationship i feel completely unsupported. Perhaps i will also post on the single parent section, and get some feedback from people who hae been through a split and or on the other side. I honestly feel like now he is just trying to rub me up the wrong way, while im seriously trying to bite my tongue and just try and get along and give this a last shot. This morning i found him deliberately saying things to irritate me, things he knows i will argue over, but i just said nothing. And i know hes just constantly annoyed with me...can feel it in the way he speaks to me and what he says. I am thinking of going to the gp for the way im feeling, but im worried about the future and if this ends up in some kind of nasty court battle, i dont want it on my records that im on anti depressants, or suffering with depression. So now im just alone with the baby, my big girls gone to her dads, which im feeling shitty about cos i want her here, and my oh is at work, making me feel bad that he is doing overtime because im still on mat leave, even though i still pay half of everything. He makes out me being on mat leave is making hi suffer. He truly is mean

 

[mylullaby]

I really think you should discuss relationship counselling with him. If he's open to the idea, you can always give it a chance and see how you both get on. If he isn't, at least you know where you stand. If he can't treat you the way you deserve to be treated - with some respect for starters - and take steps to improve your relationship, then leave.

Go and speak to your GP anyway and raise your concerns about anti-depressants if/when they are mentioned. They aren't always the answer - sometimes you'll be referred for talking therapy if they think you'll respond better to that. And anti-depressants won't count against you in court - as long as your baby is being taken care of, she'll stay with you.

If you do leave, make sure you contact the CSA immediately, because they'll back date his payments to the date you contacted them.

Do you have friends and family nearby to support you? xx