Time to split up or just hormones?

[Sarah2627]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum lark but I really need someone to talk to. I don't want to talk to any of my friends about it just yet, although I know they'll be supportive, because I'm just not ready to 'go public'. My current feelings are a bit of a U-turn on everything I've been saying for the last 12 months! But I badly need a fresh take on my situation and I'm hoping some of you can help me.

Sorry if this goes on... and on... and on...

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. The first two were quite difficult and we split up for nine months, but then we worked things out and got back together and it's been pretty excellent for the last three years. I really believed we had a mature, honest relationship that would stand the test of time. Getting pregnant was a mutual decision that we made after 12 months of talking about it. I was a bit worried that it meant less to him than to me (he already has three kids by two other women, all of which are adorable and a regular feature in our lives), but having a baby together was definitely a joint, planned decision. We conceived after 3 months of trying.

I'm now 9 weeks pregnant and the last 3 weeks have been awful. I'm well known for being a very positive and energetic person. I walk five miles a day with our dogs, work full time in a company where I'm just about to be made a partner, have a good social network, and can always be relied on to have a happy outlook on life. For the last 3 weeks I could barely function. I was permanently tired - I mean REALLY tired - irritable and highly emotional. I tried to keep a lid on it but couldn't prevent the odd dig at my boyfriend for not pulling his weight around the house, etc. I thought, under the circumstances, that he'd bear with me, but far from it. He went on a 3-day sulk about not feeling appreciated and things have been awful since although I'm now feeling a lot better physically. To begin with, I felt awful for upsetting him and tried to make it up to him, but then I got to thinking about the balance of responsibility in our relationship and now I feel really mad at him.

During the last 3 weeks while I've been really ill, he's walked the dogs five times (this amounts to less than 2 days normal walking activity), done the vacuuming once (due to 2 dogs and 2 cats it needs doing about 4 times a week), done the shopping once (and forgot a load of stuff so that I had to go again 2 days later), and done the washing/drying up less than half a dozen times. He never picks up the dog mess in the garden, and never does any clothes washing or ironing. Although I've asked him to help out more, and explained that once the baby arrives I'll need him to pull his weight around the house more than ever, I'm just being accused of being a nag. In fairness to him, I have been nagging him about him lately, and no one likes a nag, but it's only because talking to him in a mature non-accusatory way, which I've been doing for the last 9 months, has got me precisely nowhere.

I just feel like our relationship is totally falling apart. I'm the breadwinner in our household and pay 95% of the bills. My boyfriend does work but he doesn't earn very much and he has to pay maintenance. I'm fine with that but I think it's unfair that I pay for everything AND do all the housework AND be expected to be happy and sensitive to HIS needs all the time. He's not paying too much attention to mine. I've tried to talk to him about how miserable I've been feeling about five or six times, and each time I've been blanked in favour of the TV (I'm beginning to hate his relationship with the TV, which is on permanently when he's at home). Likewise, I had really bad back pains the other day due to being consitpated for 9 days. I asked him to give me a massage, which he did, but it lasted all of 3 minutes and large parts of it consisted of his hands resting stationary on my back because his attention had been gripped by Big Brother!

Looking back on things, I've always done a lot more around the house than my boyfriend, and in terms of responsiblity our relationship has not been very equal ever. But it's never bothered me before. Now, all I can think of is that life will easier if I leave him and become a single parent. At least then I'll only have one person to pick up after. I currently consider my boyfriend a financial, practical and emotional drain, and I'm not even sure I love him anymore. However, because I don't feel like myself very much at the moment, I'm worried in case this is just hormones talking. What if we split up and I regret it later?

I'd really appreciate a fresh viewpoint on this, so anyone with an opinion please reply. Thanks. Sorry for rambling on for so long. Sarah.

 

[Amanda]

Blimey Sarah - were we twins seperated at birth????? I too am the major wage earner, pay all the bills, do all the housework, walk the dog, all the shopping, washing, etc, and make all the decisions. DH also has a very large relationship with the tv.

I have just been signed off until my maternity leave starts with a bad back, and been ordered to rest. So I have asked DH for more help around the house. His answer was to get my 13 year old daughter to do it as her punishment whilst grounded! I had midwifes yesterday, and LO is still breech, so I sat them both down last night and explained that if he didn't turn, I would have a c-section. And that would mean doing nothing for 6 weeks afterwards as it is major surgery. DH's answer was that we would be having loads of takeaways for those 6 weeks then! And when I said that I was off work for the next 10 weeks, his response was that the house would be spotless when he got home from work!!!

I'm supposed to be bloody resting for pitys sake!!!!!!!! Sometimes I could gladly strangle him. I too have lost it on the odd occassion since being pg, and screamed at him that I am sick of doing everything, and his reaction is to sulk. I've now realised that he is not going to change. He lived on his own before he met me, and his house was a pig sty, the dog didn't get walked at all, and he lived on beer and kebabs. This is the man I fell in love with and the man I married. He is the father of the little man inside me, and step-father to my daughter (more of a dad to her than her own). I have begun to realise that the more I nag, the more stressed I become, and more tearful, and he then sulks. It's easier not to nag.

I know some people out there will tell me to stop being a doormat and get him to pull his own weight, but they don't see the other side to him. He has slept on the sofa for the past 4 months so I can get comfortable in bed. He never moans about anything I do. He tells me constantly how happy he is that we are married. He cannot wait to be a Daddy. Even though I am a blimp at the minute, and moan about every ache and pain, he still pinches my bum and tells me I turn him on! And he only has to look at me with those big brown eyes and I melt.

What you are feeling hun is totally normal, and yes, it is those bloody hormones. You have never noticed how little he does around the house, until now. Having been a single mum, I would say to wait before you make a decision as life-changing as splitting up. I'm not saying anything against single mums, and sometimes it is defintely the best thing for all, but please wait a while. You are now coming into the second trimester, which will hopefully be the best stage of your pregnancy. Your extreme tiredness should hopefully go, you will have more energy, you'll start to bloom, and things won't get you down as much.

Blimey - I've waffled on!! Sorry to hijack your post, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. I'm off for a lie down after all that!!

 

[weestar21]

hi hun and welcome to the forum for starts

On the view of your relationship maybe a few days break would do you the world of good. Could you go away for a weekend or something, be pamperd or even just go to a friends or parents house just to think things over that way youhave a break from all the house hold stuff and your BF and maybe it is just the hormoans but it will be a long and bumpy ride if your having doubts already and your only 9 weeks PG.

Try once more sitting him down and talking about how you BOTH feel about becomming parents.

im not very good at advice in relationships as mine aint perfect either but i wish you all teh best and good luck for the rest of your pregnancy
xxxxx

 

[hannahbet20]

hiya hun welcome to the forum i do think ur partner is being very selfish and he does need to buck things up you have every right to nag i doubt you could nag quite as much as me lol my partner is similar i dont think men understand just how hard it is i agree with tankett don't do anything rash talk to him explain urself he was in on the agreement to have this baby so he should be more supportive its also quite worrying thinking if he doesnt help now hows he going to support you when the baby comes, but i find men come to terms with it a lot more when baby arrives talk to him i do think hormones affect the way you percieve yoyr realationship i thought about ending it a couple of times when i was pregnant i was anemic when pregnant so really tired have you been tested yet?

i hope you feel better soon im sure you will and congrats on your pregnancy xhannahx

 

[emilia]

Hi there... welcome to the forum!

Reading your situation, left me feeling a certain way. I don't know if it has got anything to do with my age and the fact that I know "life is too short".
You sound like a mature, responsible, well-liked and respected person. You're bursting with energy and all I can see, is that this person has fallen with his backside in the butter and little will change. He has his bread buttered on both sides!

During pregnancy, our hormones are all over the place, BUT, underlying issues always surface in the process of making and planning a beautiful entry into this world for our babies. If ever there seems to be any thread of it being negatively affected, we naturally tend to react and wonder about other options. Not many of us are in the financial or emotional situation to take serious action and as a result, we put up with things.

Sorry, a situation I wouldn't want to be in, but one I certainly woudn't be able to emotionally tolerate. Having a baby is a truly wonderful experience, but if our emotions, energy and general mental state is always negatively affected by our environments, than that makes having and raising baby, a harder job!

Good luck and Congratulations too
Hope things work out for you!!

Emilia xx

 

[Amanda]

I had a thought this morning Sarah, and wondered if it related to you, as it definitely does to me. Sorry if this doesn't mean anything to you, and I definitely don't want to offend.

I realised this morning that I am happiest when I am like this. I am a control freak, and wouldn't like it if DH started to make more of the decisions. Although I moan that I am always the one that has to decide whats for dinner, then cook it, I don't think I would like it if the decision was taken out of my hands. Does that make sense?

I've had a good look back on all of my other relationships, and they were all the same. I seem to go for/attract the same sort of man, and have realised that it is because I love to be the one in control. I don't like to be looked after, I enjoy doing stuff myself, and moaning to myself whilst I am doing it. I think I'm a bit of a martyr.

Like I said, sorry if this doesn't help, or doesn't relate to you, but your story sounded so familiar to me.

 

[x-kirsty-x]

I had a thought this morning Sarah, and wondered if it related to you, as it definitely does to me. Sorry if this doesn't mean anything to you, and I definitely don't want to offend.

I realised this morning that I am happiest when I am like this. I am a control freak, and wouldn't like it if DH started to make more of the decisions. Although I moan that I am always the one that has to decide whats for dinner, then cook it, I don't think I would like it if the decision was taken out of my hands. Does that make sense?

I've had a good look back on all of my other relationships, and they were all the same. I seem to go for/attract the same sort of man, and have realised that it is because I love to be the one in control. I don't like to be looked after, I enjoy doing stuff myself, and moaning to myself whilst I am doing it. I think I'm a bit of a martyr.

Like I said, sorry if this doesn't help, or doesn't relate to you, but your story sounded so familiar to me.

Well even if nobody else understands what you mean, I DO!!!

I'm exactly the same, I moan at OH and complain when he doesnt help me but then when he tries to help me I tell him he's not doing it right or I think to myself I wouldnt do it like that and i get irritated!

I know everyone has their own way of doing things but I like things done my way!

 

[Sarah2627]

Hi everyone,

Wow! You're all so fantastic! I never expected this many thoughtful replies and so quickly. It's been interesting reading through them and gaining some new perspectives on my situation. I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who have taken the time out of your lives to think about mine and have offered some constructive advice. I appreciate it.

I still don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm actually a lot less bothered about it now. I think pouring everything out yesterday really helped me. My gut instinct is still to leave and I'm a bit worried that the thought of leaving fills me more with excitement than it does dread. That may prove to be telling... However. I'm also aware that making life-changing decisions in a hormonal state of mind is probably not a good idea so I've not made any firm choices yet.

I've told my boyfriend how I feel and explained that splitting up is a real possibility for us unless things change. I'm already sleeping in a different room, which is partly a practical necessity because I suffer from really bad hay fever - which I can't take tablets for due to being pregnant - and boyfriend keeps leaving main bedroom window open which lets pollen in all over the bedsheets and results in bedtime being a miserable experience for me. I have asked him not to do it, but he always forgets. Anyway, boyfriend knows that the ball is in his court and that I'm prepared to discuss things calmly when he's ready. He hasn't approached me yet, but he did walk the dogs last night and do the washing up this morning, so there's hope...

By the way tankett, there's definitely an element of truth in what you say about control freaks - I don't like being looked after as a general rule, I can be fiercely independent and I do like things done properly. That said, I'm not rigid about it. I don't really care if he puts whites in with darks in the washing machine, just as long as he did some washing, and it's hard to get anally retentive about washing up or vacuuming - it's either done or it isn't! I've never once criticised him for not doing housework 'my way'. In fact, I've always praised him and thanked him because I read somewhere that this is the best way to get men to do more about the house. Hah!

Anyway, that's it for now. I'll let you know how things pan out, but I'm feeling much better about it all now. Whatever happens, I know I'll cope, and whether I raise this child as a single mum or in a partnership I know it's going to be wonderful. I'm lucky to have a great job, excellent friends, a good, reliable support network, and above all a personality that doesn't really do depression for longer than a few days, so in the words of Gloria Gaynor, I will survive. And I'll have fun doing it. Thanks to all of you.

 

[Amanda]

You do sound so much happier today Sarah. I can actually see you smiling when you typed that!

Whatever you decide will definitely be the best for you and LO, I can tell that just by reading your post.

Good luck with everything, and please stick around and feel free to rant to us whenever!

 

[sonia205]

He sounds like a right idiot! You shouldnt be doin half them things if your 9 months preg!! MEN
Erm i should think its your hormones your probably all over the place right now, maybe you should talk to his mates if he has any and tell them he should be doin more?!
gd luck babes we r always here for a chat

 

[x-kirsty-x]

^^^ think you mean 9 WEEKS pregnant, not months lol!

 

[JMC]

Read both your posts Sarah.....

Its a tough decision... you feel the relationship just isn't working for obvious recisions and they are valid of course...

You say you have been together for like 5 years in total...

Well I can really only answer this with little experience using me and my G/F as a perfect example

we have been together for 6 months... meeting for 10 months....

The first few months of actually being together where great, really excisting, butterflies in your stomach type of thing...

But the more time you spend with each other, the less you appreciate it kind of thing. I mean dont get me wrong I love every minute i spend with her but I spend so much time with her that sometimes I dont appreciate it

And of course the more your in each others faces the more you annoy each other... so sometimes we might have a bad week and question whether we belong together

But thats alls it is, a bad week. Compare that to the months/years you have been with them.....

I just think every relationship is up and down, you get your good times and you get your bad times... Providing the bad times arn't amazingly bad I'd just take it on the chin.. and try not to sulk over things....

But it really does depend on how long you have been feeling like this for... If its been growing inside of you for months then I really would concider it...

But whats to say that you have another 3 bad months... both really not happy with each other than you go on holiday, have an amazing time together, come back and then live together happily ever after until your dying days

Is the relationship worth fighting for?
How much do you love him
How much does he love you
Do the good times make up for the bad times

Let us all know how you get on and what you decide

And by the way I dont mean to sound pantronising if thats how I've come accross, I'm sure 90% of the people in here have more experience with relationships than me

 

[Sarah2627]

Thanks for the thoughtful reply JMC, and don't worry, you don't come accross as patronising.

Things have now gone somewhat weird! Four days after inviting him to talk to me about things, he still hadn't said anything, so I took the bull by the horns and wrote him a long letter. In it I explained exactly how I was feeling and what I saw as our options - from working it out to splitting up. I took pains to make sure that it wasn't a 'having a go' letter. I concentrated on how I was feeling rather than saying 'you did this or you didn't do that'. I also explained that the longer we were not talking, the more I was withdrawing emotionally and the more independent I was being practically, which meant that it would be more likely that splitting up would be the outcome.

He read that letter on saturday, and acknowledged that he had read it, and hasn't mentioned it since. I'm still sleeping in the spare room and there's no romance at all. But the strange thing is that he's being much more helpful around the house and things are quite friendly and polite. There's no atmosphere like you'd expect. It's almost like nothing's happened and it's well weird!

Some of you might think I'm making 5 from 2+2 here, but knowing my boyfriend as I do (his personality and his past, etc), and having talked things through with a couple of mutual friends of ours, I think it's probably over. It turns out that he hasn't mentioned anything about the baby to any of his friends - no excitement about it or anything. Despite spending the last 12 months talking about it and giving him plenty of opportunity to say no, I think he doesn't want this child and was too scared of disappointing me to say no. It's understandable I guess but rather immature and cowardly when you consider the stakes. Also, given what I said in the letter about the passage of time, I can only think that he does want to split up and is just being nice because he's relieved that I've said I want to keep things amicable if that happens.

So, I'm totally confused but remarkably un-upset. With every passing day I feel stronger emotionally as I'm withdrawing from him. I'm still not 100% that I want it to be over, but it takes two to make a relationship work and if he doesn't want it to then I've too much pride to spend a lot of time being depressed about it. Life's too short.

 

[cassi]

To be completely honest i think that since this is you that is saying to him you might want to split up but your not sure etc he could be relieved or really hurting inside and if the latter is the case then its really not fare on you to keep saying, i might be leaving you soon...and then to go on as if nothing has happened...And waiting for him to talk to you. If you are feeling so strongly about leaving him and arnt sure wether he wants it to end or not i think the only way for you to find out is to just sit down and speak to him instead of flogging a dead horse for any longer and waiting for him to speak to you, because he might never do it, it sounds like he is really scared and i think you just need to either talk and sort things out, or end it once and for all for the sake of both of you and your l/o. I dont think letters and small talk is the best way to go about it.

Sorry if i sound harsh and forward but as i have said to others, i say what i think in the nicest way possible.

I am really sorry that things are like this for you and that he dosnt do much, its not fair on you to have to live like that, its a shame. And i am also very sorry that such a long relationship has come to this, but as they say things happen for a reason and its lovely that if it does end it will be on good terms (by the sounds of things) and it will be for the best.

I really do hope everything works out for you.

And congratulations with your pregnancy.

Cassi x

 

[v11kae]

My advice would be never to make decisions lightly. I have lost count of the times I was going to leave my OH during my pregnancy. Not for not doing things, he is the oposite in my case. But for not being there emotionally for me, talking to me and most of all for not understanding. Really I was never looking for answers or for things to be fixed, like the majority of men try and do, to save the day! I just wanted someone to listen and atleast try and understand.

I have to admit, I am glad I never left. We have never been close or more fond of each other. Might sound crazy as our lives have never been more upside down. Before, although we own a house together we were never really attached, you could have walked away and went our seperate ways. Having made a baby together that is part of us both has made us realise what we both mean to each other, and what we are both capable of. We now know the love we can create and have. we never take each other for granted.

Last week we were hectic and our LO one christened yesterday so as you can imagine our house is a tip. I should have been on cleanaholics but yet this week I havent lifted a finger. No words have beenn exchanged but at this very moment my OH is in the kitchen cleaning and sterilising bottles for tomorrow. He came home from work made me a snack, went to football training came home and made me dinner while I sat and done nothing.

Incase your lost, my point is. No matter what you are both going through, if you both learn to understand each other and talk when you have something on your mind, there is no secrets, no falling apart. Just 2 people who are their for each other if you truly love each other. When your LO comes along, you'll soon realise there is no time for silly mind games or beating about the bush as life is far too short and precious.

All I'm saying is, if you are positive you dont love him anymore and he is treating you in an unacceptable manner then take time to think but dont make any harsh decisions. Pregnancy is something beautiful to share, you should enjoy it. Like tankett said, your approaching your 2nd trimester, your blossoming time and trust me even if it doesnt feel like it, YOU WILL BLOSSOM!

I just wish you happiness, everyone deserves it!

x

 

[JMC]

Yeh as v11kae was saying you may think you dont want them or things are dying but it could just be the hormones coming out...

I said in a previous topic that you may have a really bad 3 months together were you are just fighting all the time and thinking its over. Then you get back and track and live happily ever after

Or you may split with him and live happily ever after with another person...

Its just a case of whether your willing to take the chance. When their is a baby involved its always worth going the extra mile to make it work...

But reading your post Sarah I find it hard to understand what your OH is feeling inside

Does he want the baby?
Is he just scared?
Will he accept things better and change in time?

You know him best, make the decision based on that ! Not what others tell you about him

I am not bein sexest or biast here but women will always say Men dont know what its like and dont understand and in conclusion dont care !! To an extent thats right... i mean we cant physically feel your pain and sickness. But speaking from direct experience I can tell you that we do carry the emotion.

People show it in different ways... Just because he isnt talking to you doesnt mean he doesnt care... Just because he isnt excited telling all his friends doesnt mean he doesnt care...

Its hard for both mother and father emotionally, you may see it more with the mother due to hormones and bein sick but at night when your asleep you cant hear your OH cryin in bed...

Just remember people deal with pregnancy differently. Dont make any decisions based on the way he's acting

You need to see whats going on inside his head, hopefully he wil make it easy for you and tell you. Otherwise you will just have to see if you can decipher it yourself !!

Good luck